(Original Post: April 6, 2016)
In an attempt to further solidify her position as likely Democratic nominee for President, Hillary Clinton made an unprecedented move by announcing her initial choice for running mate should she triumph, as expected, over opponent Bernie Sanders in the Democratic primary.
“The primary responsibility of any Vice-President,” former Governor Clinton began. “Is to take over the seat of President should something, legal perhaps, happen to the current President. Like, for example, an unfounded FBI witch hunt over private email servers. Just for example. Well, I can tell you that my choice for running mate is a pillar of political integrity in the Democratic party, and, most of all, someone who could easily fill the seat of President in my absence. Mostly because he himself was President just a few years short ago! My husband… William Jefferson Clinton!”
As the press went into a buzz over the shocking announcement, fellow Democratic hopeful Bernie Sanders imitated Clinton’s tactics, by also appointing a same last named nominee for Vice President.
“In spite of popular opinion, I do not hate business and I can prove it. Allow me to introduce to you my running mate should I become Democratic nominee for President of the United States… Kentucky’s own Colonel Harland Sanders.”
As puzzled press questioned whether or not Mr. Sanders realized that the actual Colonel Harlan Sanders had been dead for many years, and the man standing next to him was actually an impostor from a KFC television commercial, Sanders looked confused for a few minutes before whispering to the white-suited man standing beside him, and requesting his actual name.
“What I meant, was that my running mate, who LOOKS like Kentucky’s own Colonel Sanders, is local Tennessee actor and Colonel Sanders impersonator, Michael Farthington!”
As Mr. Sanders then proceeded to fall asleep on stage while nuzzling his head against his podium microphone in full view of reporters, his potential running mate, Mr. Farthington began to sell the crowd on KFC’s new “Nashville Hot Chicken”, available at your local Kentucky Fried Chicken store for, according to reporters on scene, “a limited time only”.
“There’s a clear choice for Democratic president nominee this year!” Clinton followed up, in an interview on MSNBC the following day. “The Clinton/Clinton ticket beats any other Presidentual combination out there! And, to quell the rumors before they crop up, no, Monica Lewinsky will not be ‘Secretary of State’ as some of you on the Internet have suggested.”
“Awwww…. why not?” a voice oddly similar to that of former President Bill Clinton interjected from somewhere in the background of the MSNBC studio set.
“BECAUSE I SAID SO, BILL, THAT’S WHY!” Hillary shouted off into the crowd, before making the “I’m watching you” gesture with her fingers by pointing at her eyes and then off at the mysterious figure in the crowd she was addressing.
“What about Socks the cat for Secretary of Defense?”
“WE’LL TALK ABOUT IT AT HOME, BILL!” Hillary interjected, gesturing angrily at the silver-haired gentleman in the distance to quit talking.
“Awwww…. ok.”
When asked for a response by CNN, current Republican frontrunner Donald Trump responded by insulting multiple minority groups, suggesting the creation of a ‘large bonfire’ to scare away terrorists in France, and by selling several CNN employees the first two seasons of “The Apprentice” on Blu-Ray DVD. Also asked the same question by CNN, Ted Cruz merely shook his head and sighed, while John Kasich drooled on himself and asked for a lollipop. During each of these CNN interviews, Mitt Romney snuck onto the set and waved from the background to get viewers’ attention while standing just out of view of each candidate. Current President Obama was unavailable for comment, as he is vacationing in Martha’s Vineyard preceding his upcoming trip next week to Martha’s Vineyard for some much needed R&R.
This news story was sponsored by NENSPAC, the Non-Existent Non-Sensical Political Action Committee, which like its name suggests, does not exist. Do not try to donate to it. It would not work out for you.