(Original Post: May 12, 2016)
As Donald Trump becomes the presumptive 2016 Presidential nominee for the Republican Party, inside sources from within the Trump campaign have supposedly leaked the somewhat shocking extent to which Mr. Trump was willing to go in order to secure his nomination amidst heated opposition from Texas Senator Ted Cruz and Ohio Governor Jon Kasich. Based on opposition research accumulated from former Trump supporters by political operatives close to former Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, Donald Trump was apparently in the process of preemptively naming his choice for Vice President should he secure the nomination, as way to galvanize his supporters, similar to the move made by Democratic hopefuls Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders as reported here in early April (http://eyeofzatara.com/2016/08/06/clinton/).
In a possibly extra-Constitutional move, Mr. Trump planned for the first time in America’s history, to name a company, in its entirety, as his President running mate for the 2016 United States Presidential race. This company, Welch Foods Inc., known primarily for its fruit juice products, would have caused an amendment to Trump’s original campaign slogan of “Make America Great Again” to a new, revised slogan saying “Make America GRAPE Again. TM, Welch Foods Inc., All Rights Reserved.” While Senator Cruz and Governor Kasich were quick to criticize this reported move when it was leaked, additional sources have confirmed that both Cruz and Kasich were planning similar moves, having already been aware of Trump’s plans to unite himself with a grape juice company to strengthen his 2016 Presidential ticket.
In the works for both campaigns was a unification of Ted Cruz and his Vice Presidential company selection, Tropicana Products, with a new campaign slogan of “Orange You Tired of Trump? Vote Cruz!” to appear as the banner for his party bid in a new 30 second ad spot to be run on prime time for three weeks immediately following Senator Cruz’s announcement; and, on Kasich’s side, a slightly more bizarre choice of American apple-based product company, Mott’s, to become his Vice Presidential hopeful with a slogan reading “I Like Applesauce. : ) “, a slogan apparently written by Governor Kasich himself shortly after the selection decision, much to the chagrin of his campaign staff and close supporters.
Whoever becomes President this 2016 election cycle, it is clear that this will be an election to go down in the history books. The only saving grace, for those of us of stable mind, is the sound advice of advisers to the Obama campaign, who, while explaining to the former constitutional law professor why he is unable to run against Hillary Clinton in this year’s Democratic Presidential primaries, talked him out of running commercials replacing Joe Biden with Vice Presidential selection, Ocean Spray Cranberries, Inc., with an ad slogan of “Cran Barry Get Four More Years?” Obama advisors did, however, compliment the President on his choice to replace Joe Biden with absolutely anyone else should he theoretically ever run for any sort of elected office again. Media sources are currently unable to confirm additional reports of an alternate Obama 2016 ad campaign entitled “Only Two Terms? We Need V8 More.”
This news story was sponsored by NENSPAC, the Non-Existent Nonsensical Political Action Committee, which like its name suggests, does not exist. Don’t mess with us. We know stuff. About stuff. Probably… (Actually, we don’t know anything. Please don’t hurt us. 🙁 )