(Original Post: June 11, 2016)
The following is an unpaid joke advertisement from Fallout Universe Medical Solutions, LLC. The opinions expressed in this fake advertisement for a fake product will not make sense, and thus most likely do not reflect the opinion of myself or the “Eye of Zatara”:
Things went well for me as a hot-headed youth in the mean streets of the Capitol Wasteland, but as I started getting older, I started to notice the way I dealt with things was changing. Conflicts I was once interested in having, I would start to back away from. Bullies I previously would stand up to, I found myself trying to negotiate with or just avoid. It was like something was missing from who I used to be – like a fire had gone out inside me – and I couldn’t quite get back to the way I used to be.
That’s why I went to my local doctor, and he told me I may have an actual medical condition called “Wastelander Unnecessary Savior Syndrome” or “WUSS”. My doctor told me that my good karma was getting in the way of being the scary Raider warlord I had been in my prime, but he had a solution. That’s when my doctor told me about Psycho.
Psycho is a once daily medication created and tested by American scientists during the Battle of Anchorage to boost combat ability in power-armored soldiers. Psycho has been proven in studies to increase aggressive, territorial behavior in men, women, and Ghouls by suppressing the natural inhibitors used by the brain to repress regressive, animalistic tendencies. 90 out of 100 participants with WUSS examined by the Brotherhood of Steel showed significantly decreased karma within seconds or minutes of being prescribed Psycho, and, of those 90 participants, almost 85% showed a complete remission of WUSS symptoms with continued prescription use.
Side effects of Psycho may include violence, memory loss, shaking, seizures, destruction of property, guilt, forceful ejection from civilized society or imprisonment, and intentional or unintentional injury to nearby Scribes said by the prescribant to have “a stupid look on their face that really makes me mad”.
If you think you might have WUSS symptoms, ask your doctor today if Psycho might be right for you!
Psycho is a trademark of absolutely no one, as it does not currently exist. Opinions expressed in the above parody of an advertisement have not been evaluated by the FDA, and are not certified to diagnose, treat, or in any way affect medical conditions in the real world, only in the fictional Fallout Universe. If you feel you may have symptoms of Wasteland Unnecessary Savior Syndrome, please consult your doctor in addition to a trained clinical psychologist or close personal friend who can pray for you.
This news article from the future is brought to you by “Rob Co.” Rob Co. – “Don’t make us flip the crazy switch on your cleaning robot. We’ll do it. We’re jerks.”