(Original Post: June 30, 2016)
As millions of disgruntled users continue to begrudgingly rely on the current version of their lazily-accepted new operating system, Windows 10, sources inside the upper levels of Microsoft have confirmed the startling and unexpected termination of the Project Lead behind their next Windows version, Casper Agoteal, after a shocking tweet posted to social media late last week in which the once lauded computer programmer and Windows enthusiast asked fellow Twitterites to advise him “What comes after Windows 10? Wait, wait… don’t tell me. It’s 12, right? I can never remember these things.”
In response, Microsoft loyalists following Mr. Agoteal on social media at first thought he was simply joking, replying with the usual range of humorous acknowledgements, such as “lol”, “good one, Casper”, and “Where’s John Connor?” As the night went on, however, Mr. Agoteal’s Tweets continued. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m not stupid. I’m the guy who designed the touch screen interface for Windows 8, you know. Yeah, that was me. You’re welcome.” was next, immediately followed by, “Look, I only got this job because my dad knows someone on the board. I mean, I can sort of program, but all those numbers. They just run together in my head. I don’t even know what I’m doing here. I can’t lose this job. I won’t go back to McDonalds! Somebody, help me figure out what to call this project!!!”
Before long, the posts grew desperate. It was at this point that Microsoft became aware of the issue. “Oh, no… oh, Man… my boss is calling me. He must have seen my Tweets. Look, I’m just kidding. I know what comes after 10. It’s um… 20. Or, um… 100. I’m not stupid. I’m really not. I really need this job, Man!!!” This was shortly followed by “I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M EVEN DOING HERE… I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT COMPUTERS… SOMEBODY, HELP ME OUT… MY WHOLE LIFE IS LIKE SERIOUSLY FREAKING OVER!!!” Around this time, followers of Mr. Agoteal helpfully began trying to tweet him the answer to his inquiry, that the name of his project should be simply “Windows 11”, but, at the same time, Internet trolls also jumped on the band wagon, suggesting that the next number after 10 in standard mathematics was everything from “10 1/2” to “15” to “Q” to “John Stossel”. Unable to sort through the posts in his increasingly confused and emotional mind, Mr. Agoteal’s “fight or flight response” triggered, and he ran screaming from his computer, curled up immediately in the fetal position, and fell asleep crying on the floor of his studio apartment in downtown Los Angeles, as reported on social media the next morning by some of Mr. Agoteal’s more nosy, and apparently telescope-wielding neighbors.
The Head of Upper Level Programming and Development Technology at Microsoft Industries and Mr. Agoteal’s boss, Double Doctorate in the fields of Computer Science and Communications, “Big Bo” Samns, tweeted the next afternoon, one final time from Mr. Agoteal’s account, before news of his termination hit the press. “Microsoft apologizes for any inconvenience caused by the actions of former Windows 11 Project Lead, Casper Agoteal. Due to core problems with the initial conceptualization of the next Windows version, Microsoft Industries has permanently discontinued the Windows 11 project, and, instead, will issue regular updates to Windows 10 as a permanent, final version of Microsoft Windows, similar to OS-X.” Despite the shocking reversal of Microsoft’s originally announced development schedule, most irritated Windows users were reported as claiming general indifference to the revolutionary announcement.
Since last week, media sources have attempted to reach out to Mr. Agoteal for comment, but have been mostly unsuccessful, with the exception of a single popular computer and technologies blog, The Daily Hard Drive, who fervently claim to have gotten an interview with Mr. Agoteal. The most interesting question of note from that interview, “What are you going to do next after being fired from Microsoft? Are you really going back into the fast food industry?” was asked near the end of the Q&A, at which point, Mr. Agoteal unexpectedly responded, “Nah, my uncle is actually connected to one of the guys who works at Bungie, and he says he can get me a job there making video games if I want. I have a lot of great ideas about how we can re-integrate Call of Duty style weapon loadouts and the Reach reticle bloom back into Halo 6 to make it freaking awesome again. Also, wouldn’t it be cool if Mister Chief was really a chick like that Samus girl in Nintendo?” When advised that Bungie no longer owns the Halo property, but, rather, his former employer, Microsoft does, Mr. Agoteal’s reply was unintelligible, but did ironically contain exactly eleven different variations of vulgarity.