(Original Post: May 16, 2016)
Hey, a friend of mine who’s Head Editor for the “American Sesquipedalian” magazine sent over this review for the new Captain America movie one of their writers who lives in Luxingfort, KY sent in. Apparently, they didn’t have room for it in their magazine this month, and said I could post it on the “Eye of Zatara” if I wanted. I thought it was pretty good, so I figured I’d share it. I hope you like it, too!
“Captain America: Yoohoo Civil War”
[A Biased and Unfair Review]
By: Donovan Savage, Contributing Writer and Editor for the “American Sesquipedalian” Magazine, and Luxingfort, KY Resident
This last Friday evening, I was graced through my vast social and political connections in town to acquire an exclusive, after public release, free-after-paying-regular-admission-price ticket to the latest Marvel superhero film, “Captain America: Yoohoo Civil War” at the local Royalty cinemas, the girl at the counter, apparently aware of my power and influence, even allowing me to choose my own seat and noting it in the system so no underprivileged freeloader could steal my optimal location while I was securing refreshment, and also bestowing special, movie-enhancing glasses with top-of-the-line, multi-dimensional technology to increase my film enjoyment at no additional charge.
Overall, I had a… reasonably… enjoyable experience, but, as a man of opinion, I feel that to give back to the little people who helped me secure my entertainment for the evening at so little of my own expense, I must share my thoughts and feelings about the movie with any who will listen, and offer a review to other potential moviegoers that would like to know if this movie is worthy of an affluent intellectual’s time. And, so, here is my review. (“Spoiler Warning” would be the commoner’s expression to include at this point, would it not? Bah.)
MOVIE: 9/10 – The movie was well written, well executed, and extremely enjoyable. Despite being called “Yoohoo Civil War”, there was far less connection to the delicious, chocolate and strawberry flavored beverages in the plot than I expected, but the emotional and political conflict that replaced it seemed adequate enough. I was told to stay after the credits for some sort of additional scene, but I can’t be bothered with such things. Credits are best saved for environmentalists and the malcontented.
POPCORN: 6/10 – The popcorn I acquired at the refreshment station that greeted me upon my triumphant entry to the greater Royalty theater complex was buttery and satisfying. I was even offered a small “combination” deal should I also acquire a drink and other amenities from the station, but felt that I had been shown enough preferential treatment for the night and declined, choosing instead to pay individually for my drink. The 6/10 comes from the fact that I spilled some of my popcorn while getting settled into the king-like, reclining throne made available for me instead of a normal movie seat by the Royalty staff. I am not quite sure how me spilling my popcorn is really anyone else’s fault, but I’m sure it had to be as a result of some distraction by the loud movie previews of other films I can’t be bothered to watch all of. Movie previews are for dog breeders and the malcontented.
SODA: 8/10 – The soda I purchased along with my popcorn, a “Classic” version of Coca-Cola obviously reserved exclusively for those with the most sophisticated of palettes, was quite delicious, like a fine wine, except hundreds of dollars cheaper. I was even offered a free “refill” since I had purchased a larger, more carafe-like vessel for its consumption than the typical, smaller trinkets chosen by many of the less privileged around me. I took advantage of this “refilling” on my way out of the theater, a final token of respect by the Royalty employees for my seat of influence in the Luxingfort community.
HISTORICAL ACCURACY: 1/10 – This is one point I have to hold against “Yoohoo Civil War”. While I am willing to accept a fair grain of artistic liberty regarding the “Captains of America” and “Tony Stank” characters represented in this movie, I am fairly certain they are not accurate representations of any actual American Civil War personas. The movie begins in some sort of nonsensical city called “Wakanda”, instead of Fort Sumter, as with the actual American Civil War, and the movie only loses more historical veracity from that point. At no point in American history at all, much less during the years of 1861 to 1865, have Union and Confederate armies ever engaged in a firefight by throwing shields and shooting spider webs at one another. What is this nonsense? I enjoyed the movie’s plot line with the same joy I might an imaginative fairy tail, but by saying this movie has some connections to the bloody events that nearly tore the United States apart a few centuries ago, the producers of this film likely have Abraham Lincoln rolling over in his grave. I am fairly certain the sixteenth President of the United States never broke criminals out of prison with a bow and arrow, nor did General Ulysses S. Grant ever run around calling himself “Grant Man” while shrinking to the size of a small bug or insect of some sort. It is almost comical how ridiculous this representation of history was, but my amusement ended when I realized it would likely be treated as accurate by the less intellectual, such as misguided Trump supporters and the malcontented.
ATMOSPHERE: 4/10 – The lighting, sounds, and projection systems built into the futuristic, third-dimensional entertainment venue I was granted access to by the Royalty employees with by privilege-bought, admission price ticket, were all adequate for my needs as a man of leisure seeking entertainment. There was, however, a fair amount of popcorn spilled onto the floor in my area very early on in the “previews” section of the “Yoohoo Civil War” presentation. This was not cleaned up immediately, and was still present when I left the theater viewing room. This is not acceptable. Spilled popcorn on the floor is for libertarians and the malcontented.
YOOHOO REPRESENTATION: 0/10 – Thinking through the movie again as I write this, I realize now there were no actual scenes containing Yoohoo beverages in this film, either in the “previews”, or in the actual movie itself. There may have been something after the credits, but, as I explained before, watching credits is for the xanthophobic and the malcontented. This is an outrage! No accurately-represented Civil War events, and no Yoohoo drinks? I simply cannot ignore this. This is false advertising in the highest sense! Bait and switch! I call bait and switch, my good sirs! Marvel Studios will hear about my discontentment! Yoohoo Civil War may have been one of the best “superhero”-type movies that I have seen in my thirty long years of privilege on this planet, but false advertising is for Klingon speakers, taser owners, and the malcontented! Not for one of my position and station in life! Enough talking about this. My high blood pressure cannot bear it any longer. Just know that “Sam Lee” or whatever his name is will be working at Fed Ex by the time I am done expressing my fury to his superiors.
Overall, “Yoohoo Civil War” is a great movie, one which I recommend to anyone, especially fans of the “superhero” movie archetype, but it has no Yoohoos, and does not mirror the American Civil War in any way. My review “score” for the characters, plot, theme, visuals, soundtrack, action, and excitement of the movie itself is a 9/10. My total review “score” for the movie including factors such as my enjoyment of popcorn, soda, atmosphere, and the movie’s representations of both Yoohoo chocolate beverages and the American Civil War is 4.5/10, and that is quite generous, in my opinion.
Hmph. I don’t even know why I bothered writing such a bothersome piece of mostly advertising documentation. “Movie reviews” are for trading card game collectors, muffin bakers, vegetarians, and the malcontented. They are not worth the time of a busy and affluent intellectual like myself. Where’s my driver? I need a few circles around Polygon Park in my Honda Element to regain my calm…
Head Editor Notes: Donovan Savage is a beloved, albeit somewhat misguided editor and contributing writer for the “American Sesquipedalian” since its first issue launched in 2007. His most famous articles include “Quizno’s? What in the Name of All That is Good is a Quizno’s?” and “The Gentleman’s Guide to Chocolate Milk”. Please don’t email us about him. We have a hard enough job. We have to work with him everyday, you know. I really hope he doesn’t read this…”