(Original Post: August 6, 2016)
Near the end of his life, the ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle once postulated that “If you put an infinite number of monkeys in a room with infinite typewriters, they will eventually type the collective works of Shakespeare in their entirety.” His student, Socrates, later added “If you put a single monkey in a room with a single typewriter, and make him feel important enough, he’ll eventually start a blog.” To this end, web hosting was made prohibitively expensive throughout the duration of both the Greek and Roman Empires’ domination of the ancient world, and even well into the Middle Ages. In the current era, however, Big Macs and terrible television shows with titles starting with “The Real Housewives of” have numbed the collective unconscious of our current generation, causing affordable, reliable web hosting options to come into being that even crackpots, conspiracy theorists, and Green Party supporters can quickly and easily obtain. As a result, countless blogs on every topic from Big Macs to toothpicks to Gary Busey’s hair have come into being, wasting the time of millions of unfortunate family members and friends of these so-called “bloggers”, guilt-tripped into occasionally reading the garbage passed off as “content” by their loved ones while wading through an infinite number of Facebook posts from these “bloggers” advertising their gibberish. Eventually, even the closest relatives and companions of these pitiable victims of their own ignorance and ego are forced to remove the “blogger” from their Newsfeed, and sometimes “accidentally” de-friend them… repeatedly.
Case in point, a blog started by an experimental lobotomy patient calling himself “The Gatekeeper” – his blog, the “Eye of Zatara”, purports to be a news site, but the articles contained within have more to do with the reality of Lewis Carroll’s “The Jabberwocky” than with anything to be found on any earth-like planet I am aware of. Claiming to only be able to write under the influence of “an unhealthy amount of Crystal Pepsi and Yoohoo! chocolate drink, sometimes mixed together with multiple Zero bars”, The Gatekeeper has already accumulated a grand fool’s collection of useless, idiotic ramblings about subjects as diverse as movies, politics, video games, and anime. Generally, anything that triggers a psychotic break in our professional idiot seems to fair game for his next inspiration. Worse of all, he seems to have recently gotten his hands on a couple of free Photoshop knockoffs, yielding all the more twisted and terrifying results in his drool-like madman’s drippings of false and irrational non-fiction.
As “The Watchman”, I have been paid a very hefty thirty pieces of silver to announce the official opening of the “Eye of Zatara”, and, so have I done, even at the cost of the final ragged shreds of my personal integrity as a spokesman. Be warned, however, if you continue to peruse the offerings of the “Eye of Zatara”, whatever fate may befall your sanity is on your own head. I will not bear the blood guilt for your eventual and total declination into unsober madness. You have been warned. Whatever humor may be found in The Gatekeeper’s articles, whatever sharp and witty criticism of current events, whatever insightful analysis of the world around him… you are only killing your own brain cells giving in to his facade of offering you humor. You will come to regret it. So, sit back, enjoy reading about Donald Trump’s selection of Welch’s Grape Juice for a running mate, Tesla installing an Autopilot into Doctor Who’s Tardis, and Cthulhu’s inclusion as a leading actor in the new Ghostbusters Reboot. Enjoy, until one day, you laugh your way straight into a straight jacket, giggling and spitting up on yourself while seeing imaginary butterflies spinning around your head under the light of a perfect, hot pink full moon you can see through the window of the hospital repairing your broken bones after you ran out into the street catching Pokemans with a burlap sack because the voices in your head told you to. That is the future that awaits this blog’s readers.
Again, you have been warned.
~The Watchman
Wow, a strong endorsement from The Watchman. Thumbs up! Keep reading “The Eye of Zatara”! New content coming soon, once I get some more Crystal Pepsi! 😉
~The Gatekeeper
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~The Watchman