(Original Post: September 3, 2016)
As comic book enthusiasts and casual fans of the series alike prepare themselves for the third season of the CW’s critically-acclaimed “The Flash” television series, anonymous leaks to Arrow/Flash fansite, DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, have left many fans of the Scarlet Speedster feeling the Jitters.
Just as the first two seasons of The Flash revolved around a single primary antagonist, so, too, will Season 3 revolve around a single ultimate adversary for Barry Allen to overcome, but this rival speedster – the only remaining character in the DC multiverse still capable of matching Barry Allen’s velocity – is none other than Jamaican gold medalist Usain Bolt.
“After watching him defeat Reverse Flash and Zoom, the writers of the show asked themselves – who the heck is there for Flash to fight now?” anonymous sources reported to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com. “Well, we were going to read this big stack of old comic books DC dropped off for us to review, then there was this big Blackout. While we were goofing off waiting for the Light to come back on, one of us brought up the Olympics, and that’s when it hit us – Usain Bolt!”
Appearing early in Season 3 under the moniker “Reverse Bolt”, Usain will appear in Flash canon as a former Olympian who, after falling into a contaminated green diving pool during a previous summer Olympic games, gained speed-based superpowers far beyond those of a normal human. A Multiplex of other “medal-humans”, as they will be called, encountered by “The Flash” in this season will feature similar origins related to the viridian-hued waters of the strange diving pool. Anonymous sources have already confirmed many single-episode Flash villains with names such as “Dur-Ant Man”, a basketball player with SuperSonic speed capable of shrinking using a non-Marvel-copyrighted shrink suit, “Mike Eel Freestyle”, an ace swimmer/amateur rap artist capable of generating an electric field while drinking under the influence, and “Venus De Vile-o”, a really evil Tennis player capable of creating exactly one almost identical clone of herself.
As filming went underway, some on the production team apparently questioned the direction that Season 3 was going, but their meltdown was silenced after an unnamed Everyman on the team uncovered some of the rejected ideas for antagonists thrown away by “The Flash” writers before accepting and pushing forward with the Usain Bolt idea.
“Speed Buggy.” another member of the film crew revealed to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com’s anonymous sources. “They were going to call him Room-a-Zoom-Zoom Zoom.”
“I think Speed Racer was in the mix, too.” he later added. “Pretty much everything everything animated or in a comic book with Speed in its name made it into the discussion at some point. There was even a plan to make an entire episode about Speedos. It was not a Golden day in the drawing room when they discussed that one.”
While it has been confirmed via multiple sources that Usain Bolt will not play himself in the upcoming Season Three of Flash, there are reports he will still appear in the show at some point.
“We’re thinking of making him the next Firestorm. We’ve had everyone else be Firestorm. Might as well throw him in there, too.”
While more than a few fans are objecting to the information revealed about “The Flash” Season Three by DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, they are not the only ones. Kevin Durant, Michael Phelps, and Venus Williams have already filed preliminary lawsuits, as has the entire International Olympics Committee and nation of Brazil in the World Court.
“Really? A contaminated GREEN diving pool in a Summer Olympic games physically affecting the bodies of those who swim in it?” Andre de Santos, Director of the Department of Public Health and Safety for the Brazilian state of Rio de Janiero, said to reporters early yesterday morning, while standing in front of an empty Olympics aquatics facility crisscrossed with yellow caution tape and signs reading “Caution” and “Biohazard” in Portuguese.
“Besides, a green liquid causing mutation is just crazy.” a large human-sized talking Turtle said from somewhere behind Mr. Santos while spinning a pair of Japanese nunchaku weapons. “But enough about that. Anybody know where I can order a Coast City pizza around here? I could Rilla-Go for one right now.”