(Original Post: December 1, 2016)
Greetings, Readers, from your friend and primary editor, contributor, and creator of “The Eye of Zatara”, The Gatekeeper!
I’d like to take a quick break from my brief birthday week hiatus to inform all Eye of Zatara readers of some very exciting news – the “Eye of Zatara” now has its first official sponsor, “Three Wolves” Brand Green Beans! To thank them for their support, I’ve written a small promotional message for them below. I hope you’ll glance through my first attempt at an advertisement and thoughtfully consider adding “Three Wolves” Brand products to your grocery list today. Here goes:
Are you aware that horrible canine/monster hybrids known as “wolves” walk the streets, looking for humans to feed upon like livestock? Are you aware of the forces, both human and coyote, that fight against these terrifying creatures to preserve the homo sapiens species from the super-lethal alpha predators mistakenly believed by common folk to be “cute, fluffy, grey dog things”. Do you like green beans?
If you answered yes to any or none of those questions, then maybe “Three Wolves” brand green beans are right for you. Made in a special farm by a subset of sentient ultra-intelligent canine species known colloquially as “wolves”, 100% of the sale of every can of “Three Wolves” brand green beans goes to funding the wolves’ campaign to dominate and feast upon humanity, while protecting themselves from the coyotes and often self-proclaimed “Wolf Hunters” that plague their existence, treating them like criminals simply for following their natural genetic predisposition to eat us. Not only that, but every can is “Wolf-Certified” fresh and delicious, guaranteed to put a smile on your children’s face except for that one picky one who hates all vegetables. You know the one.
If your mind’s not made up already, let me remind you that “Three Wolves” brand green beans are certified organic and gluten/trans fat free, meaning your vegan kid can’t complain about them (but probably will anyway). In summary, if you love food, nutrition, great taste, and funding canine/monster hybrids bent upon replacing humanity at the top of the food chain, “Three Wolves” brand is certainly a product you can’t live without! Hurry to your local KroBar, HighCostCo, Meijeijier, Nearly-All-Mart, Not-So-OK-Mart, or Lose Dixie (Is That Still a Thing?) and pick up a can or twenty-five today! As a special bonus, tell your cashier that “The Eye of Zatara” sent you, and receive a free “This guy is crazy.” glance with your purchase! While supplies last!
Thanks for your support, Everyone!
~The Gatekeeper
EDIT: As of the posting of this article, “The Eye of Zatara” is no longer sponsored by “Three Wolves” Brand Green Beans. Maybe let them write the article next time?
~The Watchman
EDIT: Awww….. 🙁
~The Gatekeeper