(Original Post: January 18, 2017)
As the inauguration of 45th United States President, Donald Trump, looms on the horizon but a few days away, debate continues on Capitol Hill about many of the choices made by the President-Elect to fill the seats of his upcoming Cabinet, including his controversial choice to appoint Rex Tillerson, C.E.O. of Exxon Mobil, to the powerful and prestigious post of Secretary of State. Even after his confirmation hearing last Wednesday, doubts remain for many on both sides of the aisle as to his qualification for the post, including significant bi-partisan concern for his shocking new plan to combat the growing threat posed to global peace by antagonistic nations like Russia by the creation of an elite combat team of oil-altered mutant superheroes known as the “eXxon-Men”, who will directly battle national security threats on a global scale.
“By working with noted psychologist, geneticist, and human rights advocate, Professor Charles Francis Xavier, I have implemented a plan to transform a select group of ‘gifted youngsters’ into a well-rounded superhero fighting team, transformed by contact with experimental derivations of Exxon Mobil product, and wielding powers that no nation on Earth will be able to compete with.” Tillerson explained in an interview with CBC News reporter Michael Hamden yesterday. “These eXxon Men, even if they are not accepted by some, will prove to the world our American exceptionalism, even if their true names and identities will not be disclosed to the public for fear of personal retaliation against the eXxon Men by their future enemies.”
Despite attempting to retain his journalistic neutrality, Michael Hamden was clearly unnerved by Mr. Tillerson’s proposal, and responded to his bold declaration by asking if there was a specific threat that the Candidate for Secretary of State had in mind when deciding to create a team of super-powered Rogues in the name of national security.
“Magneto.” Mr. Tillerson answered quickly.
“Magneto?” Michael Hamden cocked his head in disbelief.
“I believe you know him as Vladimir Putin, but we in the Trump administration are aware of his true identity.” Mr. Tillerson responded again, with a cocky smile. “Have you noticed that this man you know as ‘Putin’ never seems to age? It’s almost as if a shapeshifter had taken his place, and was re-creating him the same way year after year while another shadowy figure pulls the strings from behind the scenes. As Secretary of State of the United States, I refuse to buy into the Mystique surrounding the President of Russia.”
Following the CBC News interview, other news outlets have sent follow-up questions to Mr. Tillerson regarding his identification of enemies whose otherwise unopposable threat justifies the Havoc that creating a team of teenage oil-mutated superheroes will undoubtedly unleash onto the world of tomorrow. In a short appearance on Cable news early this morning, Mr. Tillerson shared more of the Sinister threats he imagined would have to stopped, in the end, by his supermutants.
“Shadow King.” Mr. Tillerson explained. “You may know him as Kim Jong-un. Have you noticed how similar he is to his father? It’s almost like his body is just a host, and something more… unnatural… is possessing him, just as it did his father before him. We in the Trump Administration have named this supernatural astral being the ‘Shadow King’. Any other questions?”
“Yes, any other enemies you’d care to name today?” the now Jubilant small time morning show host asked Secretary of State Candidate, Rex Tillerson, overjoyed to have someone so prestigious on their humble little broadcast.
“Well, there’s the leadership of Communist China, or as we call them, the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants.” Mr. Tillerson answered. “We’re also looking into some more local threats for the eXxon-Men to fight. There was a push to address overweight liberal film maker Michael Moore as ‘The Blob’ in all official Trump administration emails, but some bleeding heart hired by Ivonka shot that one down as ‘offensive’ for whatever reason. I’ve thrown about the idea of calling David Letterman ‘Sabretooth’, as well, but that’s more for my own personal amusement.”
“I see…” the TV host replied, somewhat confused, before trying to return the conversation to a more serious direction.
When asked if the eXxon-Men would also be equipped to help with war efforts in Iraq and Afghanistan, Mr. Tillerson looked noticeably uncomfortable, before hesitantly commenting that he planned to keep his superhero team out of the “Savage Land” for now, at least until they’re “ready to deal with Sauron’s hypnosis”.
When his multiple interviews revealing information about enemies for the eXxon-Men only seemed to increase rather than decrease the number of questions, concerns, and personal insults received from the press about his eXxon-Men strategy, Tillerson released a final statement just before the publication of this article, and is now refusing to discuss the issue further until his installment as Secretary of State.
“No matter what you or the American people themselves may think of my plan to create the super-powered force known as the eXxon-Men, the truth is that we are in a different world today than we lived in ten years ago.” the statement read, obtained only a few minutes prior by Eye of Zatara sources. “A vastly different and Marvelous world, but one that threatens to fall like Dominos if we do not embrace the Longshot of creating a superhero team to oppose the Beasts and brutes that threaten its security. The threats we face are real. It may seem a bit of a Gambit to oppose these dangers with force, but I believe we can successfully ride the Storms of our current world if use every knight, rook, and Bishop at our disposal to win this global game of chess known as national security. What choice do we have? If we simply avert our eyes to the truth, if we ignore our duty as stalwart Sentinels of the American dream and refuse to even try to Forge a better world for our children, there is no future for us but this – but to fall to the fierce, united Phalanx of our enemies and watch the world slowly fall, like a dying Phoenix, into the crimson Hellfire of a then well-deserved Apocalypse.”
Attached to the bottom of Mr. Tillerson’s public statement was a similar sentiment from proposed eXxon-Men leader Charles Xavier, as well as a mugshot from a still unidentified, grey-haired older man wearing shades with a scribbled note at the bottom of his picture that this was his “cameo” and that “the eXxon-Men will return in 2018”.
Excellent! Funny, but somewhat serious, too, in a strange way!