(Original Post: March 16, 2021)
Derby Line, Vermont – Citizens on the Canadian border town of Derby Line, Vermont celebrated today as the Biden administration announced plans to begin construction on a new “Sky Wall” to help keep Canadian Geese from flying freely into our country.
“The racist right would like you to focus only on immigration across our Southern border,” Press Secretary Jen Psaki explained to reporters gathered in the White House press briefing room this morning. “Our new Pokéball initiatve helps address this problem, but the time has come to circle back to our Canadian border. Geese swarming unchecked into our country are stealing the bread from old ladies that American ducks would otherwise receive. How are these ducks supposed to feed their families?”
“I am happy to announce today,” President Biden elaborated, in a small video statement he made in-between “Afternoon Naptime #1” and “Afternoon Naptime #2” on his schedule, “That included in the recently signed COVID relief bill are funds to build the ‘Sky Wall’ needed to protect American interests on the Canadian border. This will consist of an electrified chain link fence covering nearly 6,000 miles of border equipped with motion detection speakers that quack out ‘Keep Out, Aye!’ in goose honks to any approaching Canadian immigrants. The fence will be over 10,000 feet high and will include solar panels made by our good friends in China to power the speakers. End of statement. You can stop reading the teleprompter, Joe. It just went blank. Wait, who… What… Where am I again?”
“There were many on the right and on the left who criticized the Obama administration for not addressing Canadian Goose immigration when they passed the Avian Affordable Care Act in 2010, the bill which promised free moldy bread pieces and discounted health insurance to annoying pond birds in certain low income brackets who qualify,” explained Vice President Harris in a brief sit-down interview with Timothy Gibbings from SLNC News. “The Harris Administration has now done what the Obama Administration was afraid to, constructing a glorious new ‘Sky Wall’ to guard our nation’s children from being woken up at 3 in the morning by loud obnoxious goose honking noises. We have also issued 1400 lb. stimulus breads to American ducks that have been effected by the ongoing Canadian Goose immigration crisis to help them recover financially from previous administrations’ lack of follow-through.”
“My concern is what will be done with the Canadian Geese who are already here.” Senator Ted Cruz tweeted from inside a Pokéball in Carrizo Springs, Texas. “It’s not like they’re simply going to fly south to another country or something in six months. They’re a part of the economy now. Are we going to offer them a pathway to citizenship, or are we going to round them up with some kind of Goose Nets and throw them back into Canada?”
Ted Cruz clarified his position with a following tweet.
“Personally, I hope we use the Goose Nets.”