Tag: Arrow

[SATIRE] Justice League Recommends Superheroes “Double Mask” to Better Protect Their Secret Identities

[February 24, 2021]

Hall of Justice, Washington, D.C. – The superhero organization, Justice League of America, consisting of legendary stalwart defenders of the world such as Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman, has issued new recommendations to ground level superheroes on the streets of America and beyond – specifically, that when going into action, they “double mask” to better protect their secret identities from supervillains trying to rip off their capes and cowls to find out who they are.

“We’ve lost some good heroes lately…” Batman recounted to reporters gathered at the small Justice League press conference on their new “double mask” initiative.  “Just last month, the Joker ripped Nightwing’s mask right off his face, snapped a picture of him with a cell phone, and posted it right to Instagram before anyone could stop him.  If only he’d listened to me about wearing a second mask… he’d still be out there passive aggressively fighting crime alongside me sometimes.”

“I didn’t realize it when I went on the prowl, but one of the strings on my mask was a little frayed.” The Green Arrow explained, in a social media post supporting the new double mask recommendation, “There I was, fighting my archnemesis, Zach Snyder, (“The Director”), when there’s this… strong breeze out of nowhere, and my mask goes flying across the street into a subway entrance.  Good thing I’m CW version Green Arrow, and all of my friends and enemies already know my secret identity anyway.”

“Yeah, I don’t know about this whole double mask thing, guys.” the Flash chimed in, while trying to clean some blood off the side of his trademark red and yellow costume.  “I mean, I rush around town at approximately 90-150 miles per hour, and it’s hard enough to see through this mask/hood thing I’ve got going on at that speed.  I tried wearing a second mask the other day while cruisin’ around town on patrol, and… I kind of… crashed into a bunch of things.  A BUNCH of things.  I think I may have killed a man…”

“Come on, it’s not that hard to see in two masks.” Superman replied, having overheard Flash’s remarks with his super hearing and flown over to join the conversation faster than a speeding bullet.

“Says the guy who doesn’t wear any masks.” the Flash rolled his eyes.

“I am confused.  I don’t wear a ‘mask’, per se.  Should I wear a double tiara instead?” Wonder Woman chimed in, having made herself invisible to eavesdrop on the conversation, since making things invisible is apparently now one of her powers.  “I’m certainly not wearing a regular mask combined with my tiara.  I can’t breathe in those things.”

Despite some strong objections to the new policy, many superheroes affiliated with the Justice League have begun alterations to their costume to comply with the new “double mask” recommendation.  Others have begun testing a new “secret identity vaccine” that injects some of the Martian Manhunter’s shapeshifting cells into the face of a superhero to let them temporarily alter their appearance in the event that their mask is removed.

Few, however, have noted the strange hand of a powerful cosmic entity who calls himself “Dr. Forcey” in the creation of these new recommendations, one whose relentlessly controlling grip on the superhero industry is not to be trifled with by mortal men, and whose intellect surpasses all imagination.  He can do no wrong.  His superpower?  “Fact-checking” those who oppose his recommendations on social media, making them appear like crackpot lunatics, ostracizing them from all public discourse until they are completely ignored by society, shunned and abandoned even by the heroes and institutions created to protect them.  This is all for their own good, however, we have been assured.

Of the major Justice League of America superheroes, only Aquaman was unavailable for comment at this time on the new “double mask” initiative.  It is rumored this is because he is in an inpatient alcohol abuse rehabilitation center, after becoming addicted while trying to be “edgy”, a consequence of his addition to the DC Extended Universe movies.  Green Lantern was, however, available for comment, but would only say to one lone reporter, “No, I ain’t having any part of this mess.  You all figure it out.  It’s way too stupid on both sides right now.”  Supergirl and Hawkgirl agreed.

[SATIRE] Blog Editor Claims Misinformation Due to Temporal Manipulation by Speedster

(Original Post: October 11, 2016)

The series premieres of the CW’s line-up of DC Comics-based shows has brought joy to many, but anger to others, as spoilers from DC-TV-Spoilers.Com about the main antagonists for Season 3 of The Flash and Season 5 of Arrow have been quickly revealed as untrue, leading many followers of that website to abandon the site, and others redirected to it by other news blogs, including the Eye of Zatara, to also question those referencing and linking to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com’s information.  The editor of that website holds firm to his sources, however, and is claiming that the creation of an alternate timeline is responsible for his supposed misinformation.

“I’m not really sure what happened, but the information I was given was completely accurate at the time I posted it to my blog.  I wouldn’t have typed it up otherwise.” the editor of DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, known only to the Internet community as “Kal-AOL”, explains in a special statement at the top of his news blog.  “Clearly, some sort of Speedster has altered the timeline, and created a new reality in which Usain Bolt is not the primary antagonist for Season 3 of The Flash, and director Zach Synder is not the Green Arrow’s adversary in Season 5 of Arrow.  I’m honestly not sure how this is even possible, but it is the only explanation I can offer.”

Despite the clear impossibility of what Kal-AOL is saying, other bloggers have jumped to his defense, pointing out other inconsistencies with our current interpretation of reality that seems to align with the theory that we are living in an alternate version of the present created by Speedster intervention in the past.

“Has anyone questioning Kal-AOL’s theory even seen Season 4 of Arrow?” fellow Arrow/Flash universe blogger, “Marvin Manhunter”, wrote in an article today on his news blog, “DC Comix Rox”.  “If temporal manipulation was not involved in the making of our current reality, how could a fifth season of Arrow even be made as bad as Season 4 was?  Did you see the choreography?  Black Canary’s primary tactic in battle was to run in a straight line at anyone shooting an automatic weapon at her, and, somehow, not die five minutes into the first episode.  Don’t get me started on the ‘shoot first’ enemies only failing to go for the kill whenever a main character is surrounded, at which point, they suddenly hold back their fire.  Or the enemies basically standing still any time a weaponless main character confronted them, offering absolutely no resistance to someone very slowly and awkwardly punching them, even when that character was outnumbered.  I hope whatever Speedster selfishly ruined the original choreography for Season 4 gets eaten by a time wraith for it.  I really do.”

“And what’s with Hulu not getting CW stuff anymore?” blogger “Flash Ketchum from Earth 2 Pallet Town” wrote on his news blog, “All’s Wells That Ends Thon”, “I definitely remember Hulu getting CW stuff in the original timeline.  This is some parallel universe, multiversal tachyon bullcrap right here, that’s what this is.”

On non-DC-related news blogs, the current U.S. President race between Republican Party candidate Donald Trump and Democratic Party candidate Hillary Clinton has also been cited as compelling evidence of possible temporal tampering.

“The real question you should be asking,” Kal-AOL continued in the original statement on this subject posted late last week to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, “is that if we are really living in an alternate timeline, what can we do to return things back to the way they are supposed to be?”

After several minutes of discussion on his own personal theories on time travel, mostly a mix of Back to the Future and Hot Tub Time Machine, Kal-AOL finally gave the best answer he could to the problem of how to resolve the possible temporal conflict believed to be directly affecting all of reality around us.

“Honestly, I have no idea.” Kal-AOL shrugged, using stage directions to note his shrug in the otherwise article-formatted prose of his most recent blog post.  “And, even if we did fix the timeline, the unfathomable awesome that is Luke Cage might turn out the worse for it.  Whatever your stance on fixing Arrow Season 4, I think you’ll agree with me that’s a risk our world just can’t afford to take.  Forget Donald and Hillary… Luke Cage 2016!”

Since the original posting of this article to the Eye of Zatara, a “Luke Cage” section has been added to Kal-AOL’s blog, DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, much to the protest of his primary DC-based readership – at least, until they watched their first episode of the Netflix Original Series and immediately celebrated along with the rest of us.  Rumors have also begun to circulate that Libertarian Party candidate for U.S. President, Gary Johnson, has replaced his current running mate with the actor from Luke Cage in an attempt to bolster his chances in the election.  It is now estimated he will receive a 0.02% share of the popular vote, up 400% from previous vote estimates of 0.005% before including Luke Cage in his platform.

[SATIRE] Arrow Season Five’s Antagonist Has “Failed Everyone”

Overwhelmed by the hits to their blog after posting insider information about Flash Season 3, DC-TV-Spoilers.Com reached out to another confidential source earlier this week and obtained similar information about the upcoming Season 5 of Arrow, information which was posted in its entirety to the blog’s main page late last night, creating an even greater shock and buzz among the show’s still growing fanbase than the Flash posting.

“Season Five will attempt to bring Green Arrow into a larger DC Universe than ever before,” an unnamed, eye-patched informant with the code name “Deep Stroke” reported to DC-TV-Spoilers.com in posted information.  “Seeking to unify the growing numbers of superheroes combating the rising tide of supervillains throughout the Flash/Arrow universe, Oliver Queen travels in the beginning of Season 5 to the cities of Gotham City and Metropolis to enlist the aid of two well-noted superheroes rumored to be operating out of those cities.  When he gets there, however, things are not as he expected.  Superman is dead, and Batman is in prison for branding and killing criminals instead of simply catching them and turning them over to the Gotham City Police as in the past.  That’s when Green Arrow encounters the evil mastermind behind it all, the one responsible for destroying two of the greatest superheroes in the entire DC Universe – Zach Snyder.”

Known in the Flash/Arrow universe as “The Director”, Zach Snyder is an enemy with the ability to completely re-write everything that the Arrow believes in and stands for, something no villain before him has been able to do.

“Merlyn made Oliver question his past, and forced him to face an enemy with his same set of abilities, only greater.  Mysel, I mean, Deathstroke made Oliver question his own ability to make a difference for good, while bringing the threats and danger of Lian Yu with him back to Starling City.” confidential informant Deep Stroke continued, speaking with the editor of DC-TV-Spoilers.Com via Farcebook Messenger.  “Ra’s al Ghul forced Oliver to confront his own darkness, and the potential inevitability of falling prey to that darkness.  Damian Darhk tempted Oliver to return to the darkness, questioned the validity of his decision to remain in the light, and confronted the non-superpowered hero with magical powers the Green Arrow could barely understand much less equal with his mere physical prowess and arrows.”

“The Director” will apparently question Oliver Queen’s very identity itself, using a power called “Rewrite” to change everything about who the Green Arrow is in an instant, converting him from a hero of light back into the gritty darkness that clothed him in Season 1 and worse, an anti-hero willing to kill without second thought, even if the reason he was killing people made absolutely no sense.

“The Director” features other powers, as well, according to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com’s source, however, including the power to alter human perception, causing his opponents to engage in strange dream sequences that make them feel confused and disjointed when returning to normal reality, along with other strange perception-based gimmicks like causing opponents to feel they are moving in slow motion for “dramatic effect” to throw off their timing, and making opponents become overly emotional in response to certain hypnotically-planted keywords in their mind such as the name of their city, the name of their mother, etc..

In the end, Season Five will lead up to a massive battle between Team Arrow and “The Director”, beginning with Oliver Queen’s assertion that Zach Snyder “has failed EVERYONE.”

In addition to revealing this new information about Season Five, however, the spoiler from Deep Stroke to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com also shut down some rumors swirling around the Internet in regards to what some fans were expecting in the upcoming season of Arrow.

“I know there was a lot of talk that a multitude of other superheroes would make quick, unexpected, and frankly, unneeded, cameos in Season Five to establish the groundwork for a Flash/Arrow universe ‘Justice League’ as quickly as possible,” Deep Stroke explained, while staring at an old grainy photo of a young Japanese woman and softly crying to himself when he thought the editor of DC-TV-Spoilers.Com wasn’t looking.  “But, no, we’re not doing that.  That’s stupid.  Arrow is Arrow.  What does this look like?  A fan fiction?”

After revealing so much insider information about the upcoming seasons of both The Flash and Arrow, many dedicated fans of the DC-TV-Spoilers.Com blog asked if they would soon also be spoiling details about the upcoming season of closely linked new shows, “Supergirl” and “Legends of Tomorrow”, to which the editor of the Flash/Arrow universe blog responded, “What?  No.  What are those?  Are you just making crap up to confuse me?  Those things aren’t real.”

The editor of DC-TV-Spoilers.Com then banned the IP of the inquisitive site viewer for “trolling”.

Since the posting of this article, DC-TV-Spoilers has officially admitted to the existence of new DC universe television show “Supergirl”, but still continues to assert that “Legends of Tomorrow” is just the name of an old kids game show featuring a talking stone face named Olmec that asked the kids stupid questions.  Attempts to ask them the identity of their confidential, eye-patched informant “Deep Stroke” have also gone unanswered.