Avengers – The Eye of Zatara

[SATIRE] Donald Trump Boycotts “The Falcon and the Winter Soldier” – Says MCU Should Focus on “Making Captain America Great Again”

(Original Post: March 26, 2021)

Port Vila, Vanuatu – According to an exclusive report obtained by senior investigator for CBC News, Michael Hamden, former U.S. President Donald Trump has officially boycotted the new Disney+ original series, “The Falcon and the Winter Soldier”, claiming Disney should instead focus on “Making Captain America Great Again” by creating a new series starring the MCU’s Captain America, Steve Rogers, as portrayed by actor Chris Evans.

“The Falcon and the Winter Soldier are side characters. Losers!” Donald Trump explained, while relaxing on the golden throne he built in a mansion in the heart of the small Pacific island nation of Vanuatu, as Hamden interviewed him. “Disney should focus on winners, like the original Avengers, and especially, my favorite Avenger, Captain America. You know when I was a kid, I had a solid gold Captain America action figure my parents bought for me? I used to play with it all day, until a reporter from CNN came over to my house and stole it from me because he hates America.”

“I think we’re getting a little off topic…” Hamden interjected, scratching his head as he tried to make sense of the notes he had written down thus far.

“Yes, of course, like I was saying, the Falcon can fly. So what? I have five gold-plated private jets that I can fly in whenever I want. That doesn’t make me a superhero. I AM a superhero, but it isn’t only because I can fly.” Donald Trump explained, while eating a Taco Bowl flown over to him from the cafeteria in Trump Tower using one of his aforementioned golden jets, a little cheese spilling from the Taco Bowl on the orange-colored ‘Trump Man’ costume he was wearing. “And the Winter Soldier? Some guy with a rough life who fights with a metal arm? Boo hoo, I had a rough life too! I mean, come on, Superman would have a field day with this joker. I think even Joe Biden could beat him in a fight, and he lost to Vladimir Putin a few days ago after falling down some stairs again!”

“So, you’re boycotting the series?” Mr. Hamden jumped in, trying to keep Donald Trump on topic. “And I assume you’re encouraging your followers both here and in the United States to do the same?”

“Of course! Honestly, I had a great Twitter post all planned out to really ‘rally the troops’, so to speak, and put a little fire under the Disney CEO’s feet. But, then, I remembered that horrible thing that happened when all those Unamerican liberals at Twitter got scared and decided to ban me.” Donald Trump continued, holding out his phone to show the inappropriate Tweet he had all typed out in his Twitter app that refused to post even after multiple presses of the “Submit” button. “Obviously, Twitter’s in bed with Disney, just like they are with the Dominion voting machines. So sad! Just wait until I start my own social media company. I’d like to see them try to ban me from that! They can’t – in fact, I’ll ban them! Twice, even!”

As Donald Trump’s interview with Michael Hamden continued on for… quite some time… after this point, Jeremy Renner, the actor who plays Avengers character “Hawkeye” in the MCU, shared some harsh words of his own about the new Disney+ series in a quick sitdown interview with SLNC News’ Timothy Gibbings in Los Angeles.

“Look, HAWK-Eye. It’s in my name. I’m supposed to be the main bird-themed hero in the Marvel Cinematic Universe!” Renner ranted angrily, fiddling dangerously with an actual working longbow in his hand that was aimed just to the left of Timothy Gibbings. “DC has Hawk-MAN, and Marvel has Hawk-EYE. I’m Hawk-EYE. Where’d this Falcon guy even come from? Some side character from one of the Captain America movies? I fought in New York against the Chitauri! I’m one of the original Avengers, for Stark’s sake! Now he and Bucky have this fancy new series, and no one’s going to even want to watch my MCU show when it comes out! Hey, it’s… It’s… It’s still coming out, right? You haven’t heard anything about that, huh?”

“Um…” Timothy Gibbings paused, watching the longbow pointed extremely close to his left side very carefully. “Everything’s fine as far as I know…”

Even the Atlanta Falcons seemed annoyed at their name being used for an up-and-coming major MCU hero without their team being involved in the show’s production at all. Teaming up with the same swarm of actual peregrine falcons that went after the Patriots following the Falcons’ overtime loss to them in Super Bowl LI, they attempted to ambush and abduct series stars Anthony Mackie and Sebastian Stan outside a cast party for the show near a busy Los Angeles intersection only to be overpowered by two working Iron Man suits that Elon Mask had gifted the two actors with after the successful reception of their show by general audiences.

“Look, I don’t care what Donald Trump says, I don’t care what Jeremy Renner says, and I sure as heck don’t care what the Atlanta Patriots have to say about anything after losing to Tom Brady in ’17,” Anthony Mackie said in a brief comment to the Associated Press following the mass falcon attack. “‘The Falcon and the Winter Soldier’ is a good show. Maybe even a GREAT show. And while the idea of making ‘Captain America Great Again’ appeals to me, too… I think the idea of making the entire MCU great again, like it was leading up to Endgame, appeals to me even more!”

Sebastian Stan quietly added a final comment.

“Also, Mephisto, the X-Men, and Galactus all show up in the show’s final episode.” Stan revealed, as fanboys across the Internet exploded simultaneously into multi-colored streamers of confetti, joy, and dreams. “Just kidding! Or am I? Watch our show, and see for yourself!”

A final MCU actor, Benedict Cumberbatch, who plays “Doctor Strange” in the Marvel Cinematic Universe was also asked about “The Falcon and the Winter Soldier” and gave an “on the record” comment this afternoon to a small news service.

“I went forward in time to view alternate futures. To see all possible television shows I could watch in the next six months. I saw fourteen million, six hundred and five futures.” he explained to Internet news site, NowNews.

“In how many did you NOT watch ‘The Falcon and the Winter Soldier’?” the online reporter asked.

Benedict Cumberbatch smiled.

“None.”

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] President Trump Forgets to Change Toilet Paper Roll After Using Last Piece; Democratic Protesters Flood the Streets

(Original Post: February 2, 2017)

In a shocking revelation that has made even Republican politicians once strongly supportive of President Trump cringe and back away from the now beleaguered new President, an unnamed White House staff member reported in a candid whistleblower interview with SLNC News’ Timothy Gibbings this morning that after spending “an inordinate time” in the White House bathroom closest to the Oval Office last night, the 45th President of the United States used the last fragment of toilet paper from the current roll in the tissue holder next to the bathroom’s only porcelain throne, and, after only lightly washing his hands, left the bathroom for a National Security briefing he was now a few minutes late for… WITHOUT replacing the toilet paper roll he had expended for the next unsuspecting victim to his scandalous Stall of Shame to use.

“It just shows where the priorities of this new President lie,” Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer explained a few hours ago to veteran reporter Michael Hamden from CBC News. “He claims to be in favor of capitalism and the average American citizen, but he really just wants to use up all the nation’s resources for his own satisfaction, and leave the rest of us to clean up the mess ourselves… exactly like he did in the White House bathroom by the Oval Office.”

As protestors flood into the streets around the White House carrying signs bearing the slogan of “Make America’s Bathrooms Great Again”, similar protests have continued throughout the night on the campus of UC Berkeley, where Brietbart editor Milo Yiannopoulis was scheduled to make a speech, until a report appeared on popular internet news blog NowNews early yesterday afternoon that Mr. Yiannopoulis had only left a scant 5% tip at a casual dining restaurant he visited in the Berkeley area for lunch that day, despite admittedly receiving “excellent service”. Mr. Yiannopoulis attempted to explain his remarks through a series of statements issued to the protestors a few hours later, but found his poorly constructed arguments were completely unable to break the stout logical wall of “We’re going to break store front windows and burn lots of things” retorted by the linguisticly-superior liberal advocates protesting against him, an argument they made not only rhetorically, but honorably followed through with in spades.

As Donald Trump and those of the conservative or Republican persuasion face continuously increasing scrutiny from those on the left calling them Nazis while at the same time organizing violently against them, (a situation which would be very ironic if Donald Trump was not a racist, sexist, Islamophobe, reincarnated Egyptian mummy who clearly deserves whatever horrible things people say or do across the country in protest of his hatefulness, because if the lessons of Nazi Germany taught us anything, it’s definitely not that the ends don’t justify the means, right?) Republicans are already preparing themselves for the inevitable impeachment proceedings that will be required to remove President Trump from office as the scandal of his failure to replace a toilet paper roll he used the last of in the White House bathroom continues to drive the more kind and intellectual members of the American populace onto the street armed with molotov cocktails, driven by the knowledge that everything Donald Trump does, no matter how small, is in some way subconsciously motivated by his extreme white privilege, and will serve to discriminate against both women and minorities. It may also be worth noting that the White House whistleblower who reported Donald Trump’s lack of courtesy in the bathroom, when they themselves tried to use the facility immediately after the President, is a female of undisclosed minority status with a grandmother who once visited Syria. This, on top of everything else we already know about the newly-elected President, should confirm in all our minds exactly what kind of sinister man he really is.

Newly confirmed Secretary of State Rex Tillerson attempted to deploy the eXxon-Men to deescalate the violence in the protests at UC Berkeley, but they disappeared en route after being greeted by an excited Barron Trump, ten year old son of President Trump, whose middle name has recently been revealed to be “Zemo”. If the eXxon-Men do not turn up soon, whatever the cause may be behind their disappearance, Secretary Tillerson has vowed to create a new superhero team to, among other things, “Avenge” them, but has yet to disclose the name of this proposed second force of super-powered metahumans.

[SATIRE] Avengers: Age of Voltron [A Belated Review]

(Original Post: November 29, 2016)

While our usual contributor, “The Gatekeeper”, takes a much needed birthday vacation this week, I received an unusual email at our general “Eye of Zatara” business address from a friend of his named Donovan Savage who writes for the “American Sesquipedalian” magazine based out of Luxingfort, KY. Apparently, he bought a DVD over the weekend, and reviewed a movie he insists upon calling “Avengers: Age of Voltron” which no one at his magazine will publish – most likely since the movie came out in May of 2015. On the absolute insistence of The Gatekeeper via instant messenger, however, I have decided to post his review here on “The Eye of Zatara” for your perusal. Be forewarned, though, this Donovan Savage review doesn’t make much more sense than the usual dissociative mutterings of our dear Gatekeeper…

“Avengers: Age of Voltron”
[A Belated Review]
By: Donovan Savage, Contributing Writer and Editor for the “American Sesquipedalian” Magazine, and Luxingfort, KY Resident

Last Friday, I was lounging in my luxurious, pleather Slothboy recliner in my exquisite studio apartment when I decided to slum it with the less privileged by enjoying a DVD lent to me by a less fortunate colleague in the writing business, another one of those incessant Marvel movies that goes by the name of “Avengers: Age of Voltron”. After refilling my wine glass with a chilled gentlemanly mixture of 2% cow’s milk and genuine Hershey’s chocolate syrup ordered directly from the Hershey plant in Pennsylvania, I sat back as the familiar, rectangular red and white logo of the pretentious Marvel comic book company scrolled across my massive 30″ flatscreen television and the almighty “Avengers” immediately swung into action fighting some sort of Germans who had appeared to have stolen Queen Elizabeth’s glowing blue crystal scepter or something like that. I’m not sure, I don’t really understand the politics of this Marvel universe. I think one of the antagonists’ names was “Libra” or “Zebra” or something. “Hydra” maybe. No, that can’t be right. Greek mythology is far beyond the cognitive awareness of those nerdy comic book types at Marvel. We’ll just stick with “Zebra” for now. That seems to be a little more on their level.

Anyway, and Spoiler Alert for anyone who hasn’t seen this movie yet, it turns out the Germans had kidnapped some Russian kids and made them into copies of characters from the Marvel “X-Man” universe using the Queen’s royal powers. Fortunately, Ironing Man, Brigadier General America, Black Willow, the Hunk, Eagle Eye, and Ben-Hur (?), or, referring to them by their real names, Lance, Keith, Princess Allura, Hunk, Pidge, and Sven, overpower the Germans and hold off the Russians, preventing a repeat of World War II, but, rather than returning Queen Elizabeth’s scepter to her, use it to make a giant fighting robot composed of five smaller lion-shaped robots given life by some sort of glowing MacGuffin Stone in the heart of the Queen’s staff. Without the teamwork and cooperation of five pilots controlling the fighting robot from the inside, however, it goes berserk, and teams up with the Russians to randomly attack things.

Furious at Lance/Ironing Man for making such a decision without consulting his team leader Keith, the Avengers begin to fight and argue amongst themselves, which proves all the more disastrous after Voltron hijacks the planet Arus and plans to drop it, castle and all, directly on the earth, perhaps directed to do so by King Zarkon whom we see briefly after the credits putting on some sort of weird Fallout 4 Power Fist. Fortunately, the Avengers recover the original MacGuffin Stone from within Queen Elizabeth’s scepter, and use it to create a new Voltron with which to battle the now evil Voltron fighting on behalf of Planet Doom. Eliciting the help of the same Russians who previously had attempted to kill them, as well as back-up support from the Highwind from Final Fantasy VII piloted by a slimmer interpretation of Barrett Wallace portrayed by Mace Windu from Star Wars, this new seven man Voltron, “Vision Voltron”, I believe they called it, allows the Avengers to defeat the now outdated five man Voltron created by Lance/Ironing Man earlier, saving the day, although a Russian randomly gets killed for some reason at the end. They then use Voltron’s Lion Torches to incinerate the entire planet Arus before it hits Earth, which seems like overkill, but the Highwind evacuated everyone first, with the aid of some Golden Chocobos, I believe, so to each his own.

Overall, the movie was quite interesting, with a lot of well-executed action scenes, and a variety of unique combat powers for each member of the “Avengers”/Voltron Force that were satisfying to behold, from Ironing Man’s Haggarium Armor and assorted Fallout energy weapons to Eagle Eye’s cosplay replica of the Green Arrow’s bow to Brigadier General America’s… well, ok, so Brigadier General America’s flag-painted hubcap/frisbee golf disc wasn’t all that interesting, but most of the rest of the characters in “Age of Voltron” had extremely unique and complicated abilities that made action scenes feel kinetic and inventive, even while fighting an endless army of Baby Evil Voltrons controlled by the original Voltron… perhaps they were meant to be Robeasts???

I was excited by the new take on the Voltron Force material. It has been some time since I saw something new and interesting come out of the Beast King GoLion franchise’s American counterparts, perhaps excluding the new Voltron series on Netflix, as I do not watch “streaming” television shows and movies like an uncivilized ape. Netflix is the “buffet” of the entertainment world. True gentlemen watch television live in HD, or not at all, and movies in theaters, and at home only in occasion to remind themselves of their aristocracy, as I am doing here, while redeeming myself from my sin through brilliant intellectual criticism. I fear others of my standing in the community will look down on me for watching a DVD even for this reason, however, such is my status in the heirarchy of Luxingfort, KY.

To conclude, if I had to rate on a commoner’s scale of 1 to 10, and, oh, how I hate such a scale, the quality of the Avengers: Age of Voltron movie, I would like to give it a strong 8.5, perhaps a 9, I am a little annoyed at the moment after spilling some of my chocolate milk on the carpet while typing up this review. Chocolate syrup straight from Hershey, PA isn’t cheap, you know, and neither is carpet cleaning, as I can’t be bothered to attempt the job myself. I am disappointed that, once again, Marvel has been excluding my beloved Yoohoo beverages from their screenplays, but such has been the case ever since I watched “Captain America: Yoohoo Civil War” I am sure, and such will continue to be the case long into the future with that ridiculous “Sam Lee” at the head of Marvel. The man must be drunk on his success by now, and I feel I will have to keep harping on my point about Yoohoos until Mr. Lee is dragged out of the luxurious party of his fortune to address them. Even still, he has made a great movie here today in the form of “Avengers: Age of Voltron” and I recommend everyone of you who is not as privileged as myself to purchase a copy of its DVD form from your local distributor of such trivial baubles, and enjoy watching it on your black-and-white television box or whatever it is common people use to watch films on at home these days. Is Blockbuster still a thing? No? No matter, I’m sure you shabby folk can figure it out if you’re motivated enough. Until next time, this is Donovan Savage from the “American Sesquipedalian” magazine reminding you that “Milk is for boys. Chocolate milk is for men.” Farewell, my broad and adoring audience of odd psuedointellectual miscreants.

Head Editor Notes: Donovan Savage is a beloved, albeit personally insulting editor and contributing writer for the “American Sesquipedalian” since its first issue launched in 2007. His recent articles include “Taking the Stairs – The Worst Part of Fire Drills” and “Why Won’t Kelsey Grammar Return My Emails? – A Personal Anecdote”. Yes, we know he’s crazy. Please don’t send him angry letters. It just encourages him.

[SATIRE] Gavin Woods Announces “X-Men Origins: X-Aggerator”, First X-Men Movie About a Horse

(Original Post: May 28, 2016)

Undaunted by the lackluster success of new X-Men movie installment, “X-Men Apocalypse,” Gavin Woods, Director of “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” has announced via Twitter the next in the series of Marvel mutant superflicks, “X-Men Origins: X-Aggerator”. Finally revealing the much wondered about backstory of the genetically mutated superhorse, “X-Aggerator”, on the big screen for all to see, “X-Men Origins: X-Aggerator” will attempt to combine the critically lauded “X-Men: Days of Preakness Past” storyline from Marvel Comics’ short-lived X-Men spin-off series, “X-Horce”, with the new tale of the mutant champion’s past, including his early childhood conflicts with later rival and fellow supermutant horse, “Nyquistsilver”.

After the inclusion of Spiderman, previously a Sony Pictures movie property, into the Marvel Avengers movie anthology, Twitter followers were quick to respond to Gavin Woods’ tweet by asking if this was a sign that X-Aggerator may find himself included in the next Avengers installation, as well, to which Mr. Woods responded almost immediately with the following: “I dont knoo. 😉 Whateerver gets people to watcjh the movey on opneing nite, I gesuss. Lolz. ‪#‎ImDrunkRightNow‬ ‪#‎HesTotallyinAvengers3‬“.

Whether or not X-Aggerator is introduced to the Avengers movie universe as so subtlely hinted at by Mr. Woods, the announcement of another “X-Men Origins” movie to explore this character’s rich and exciting past has been welcomed with open arms by the Marvel fanbase and movie-going community.

“What the ****?” quoted a man dressed like a green half-human half-pterodactyl who would only identity himself by the monicker of Sauron. “First, Ghostbusters, and now this? I might as well just stop asking my mom to take me to the movies.”

“Excelsior!” quoted another man, a grey-haired older gentleman with large, dark glasses, who said he had gone to every premier of X-Men Apocalypse possible in the last twenty-four hours, as he “can’t stand there being a Marvel movie [he is] not somehow a part of.”

Tenatively set to release in the early summer of 2017 alongside other popular movie sequels such as “Fast and Furious MCDXIII” and “The LAST Airbender Hopefully It’s Really the Last One This Time”, “X-Men Origins: X-Aggerator” is sure to delight audiences new and old, and may even greenlight the return of the “X-Horce” comic book series as long awaited by at least a half dozen devoted collectors and fans.

“Holy crap, what have I done?” Gavin Woods added in a follow-up tweet the morning after his possibly intoxicated revelation of the “X-Men Origins: X-Aggerator” project the night before. “Oh well, absolute worst case scenario, Bryan Singer can always retcon it away with another time travel movie, right? Right??? Ah, you know I’m right… ‪#‎DeadpoolLaserEyesRoflSwordHands‬ ‪#‎NeverDirectaMovieWhileDrunk‬ ‪#‎PlotLinesAreForSoberPeopleandtheMalcontented‬ ‪#‎CanBryanSingerFixTerminatorGenisysTooMaybe‬ ‪#‎HashBrowns‬”

(An artist’s rendering of possible box art for “X-Men Origins: X-Aggerator” has been attached to this article for aesthetic purposes. The art depicted may or may not resemble the content of the actual horse-based Marvel superhero movie.)

#HashBrowns