Tag: Back to the Future

[SATIRE] Warning to Hill Valley Residents – Entire Town Will Go “Back to the Future” at 2 AM

(Original Post: March 13, 2021)

Hill Valley, California – Residents of the sleepy town of Hill Valley were less than amused late last night when a man, looking suspiciously like a younger Christopher Lloyd, began running through the streets of their small suburban utopia screaming about time travel.

“Everyone, you have to prepare yourselves!” Emmett “Doc” Brown explained, waking everyone up at the nocturnal hour of 2 am this morning.  “Based on my calculations, this time tomorrow, everyone and everything in this town will go… ‘Back to the Future’.  One hour in the future, to be precise, and everything that would otherwise occur between the hours of 2 am and 3 am on Sunday, March 14th, 2021 will cease to exist!”

“We know!” A rather irritated looking woman shouted back through the second floor window of her townhouse as “Doc” Brown ran by screaming.  “It’s called Daylight Savings Time!  Leave us alone!”

“You KNOW about this???” Mr. Brown stopped in his tracks, looking confused.  “If they know about the future, then someone else in this town must have gained access to my DeLorean.  The only explanation is that someone used the DeLorean to time travel into the future, found out about the missing hour on March 14th, and then returned to this time and told everyone about it.  But, to what end?  Great Scott, the consequences to the fabric of time and space itself from such interference will be enormous!”

“Yo, Doc… I think maybe we should go home and take those pills I was trying to give you earlier.  You know, the ones that make you less like a bad movie character.” a strangely hip young Michael J. Fox lookalike rushed up to the old man a little winded, having been unable to find a hoverboard to help him catch up to the ranting and running old man more quickly after learning of his escapades.  “Einstein hasn’t been fed in like a week, and the ASPCA have left like five letters on your door.  I don’t think Daylight Savings Time is going to change any of that.”

“YOU know about it, too?” “Doc” Brown eyed his young comrade suspiciously.  “But… how?  Don’t tell me… YOU’RE the one who took the DeLorean to the future and told all these people about the time skip ahead of me???”

“No, it’s like… Benjamin Franklin started all this.  I think.” the orange-jacketed young man scratched his head trying to remember the details of a history class that occurred off-screen.  “It’s to ration daylight.  So it’s brighter during normal business hours no matter what time of year it is.  Any of this ringing a bell?”

“I should have known it was that Franklin chap that started all of this…” the old man’s eyes narrowed, a look of fierce determination in his gaze.  “Get my Hoveround, Marty… We’re going to go give ‘Poor Richard’ something to almanac about.”

When residents woke up and began investigating the strange screaming that had disturbed their sleep over the course of the night, not a soul in Hill Valley could locate the man who calls himself “Doc Brown” or the young scruffy-headed teenager who had been trying to get him to take his medication.  However, when they began going about their business later that day, the more affluent members of their community noticed that the portrait in the middle of any $100 bills in their possession had changed overnight, replaced with a blurry photo of an old man with white hair sitting on a modern, electric motor scooter.

Members of a group calling themselves the “Legends of Tomorrow” appeared in their town shortly after, to investigate the “second instance of time travel that had occurred in California this week”, but nobody cared.

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] Teen Installs Tesla AutoPilot into Delorean; Disappears at 88 MPH

(Original Post: July 7, 2016)

In yet another shocking report revealed today by Tesla Motors concerning their experimental, self-driving “AutoPilot” system, officials in the small town of Hill Valley, California have confirmed the disappearance of one Martin J. McFly in what has been described as “a brilliant flash of otherworldly light leaving two tire tracks of fire extending forward on the road along the projected path of his vehicle”. Mr. McFly, a local delinquent with a history of assault convictions due to what several prosecutors have called a “hair trigger temper instantly ignited by the utterance of the common name for domesticed poultry”, had reportedly come across a Tesla AutoPilot system during a short-lived part time job at a mechanic’s shop, and, on a dare, installed the AutoPilot into a neighbor’s classic Delorean DMC-12 sedan before taking the then stolen vehicle on a brief, computer-guided joy ride.

Mr. McFly’s parents are grief-stricken about his disappearance just over a week ago today, but have refused to give up hope that their boy will someday return to them.

“I just know Marty’s still alive out there somewhere…” his mother, Mrs. McFly babbled, while stuffing her face with a handful of gravy-covered mashed potatoes from a popular fast food restaurant before washing the starchy appetizer down with a glass of cheap wine. “I got a post card from him the other day. Postmarked 1985. I don’t really understand that part, but the point is that my boy is still doing fine, living his life somewhere near… what appears to be a working clock tower, although the photo’s kind of grainy.”

“I’d say it was actually Hill Valley,” his mother added, “but our clock tower hasn’t worked in years.”

Reporters have attempted to interview the owner of the stolen Delorean, a local scientist and inventor, Doctor Emmett Brown, but our sources report that Hill Valley officials ended this line of investigation due to “Mr. Brown’s clearly declining mental state”.

“GREAT SCOTT! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS???” Mr. Brown screamed obliviously into our reporter’s face as she attempted to interview him earlier this morning concerning Mr. McFly’s sudden disappearance. “NO… NO… I DON’T WANT TO KNOW. I CAN’T KNOW. ANY LITTLE PIECE OF INFORMATION YOU GIVE ME COULD CAUSE A TEMPORAL PARADOX THAT THREATENS TO TEAR A HOLE IN THE FABRIC OF THE SPACE/TIME CONTINUUM! OR WORSE, YOUR ADVISING ME OF THE PAST, COULD CAUSE OUR TIMELINE TO VEER OFF INTO AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE, WHERE THE ACTOR, RONALD REAGAN, IS ACTUALLY ELECTED PRESIDENT. AND WHO KNOWS HOW THAT WOULD EFFECT THINGS? THIS ISN’T GOOD. THIS ISN’T GOOD. I’VE GOT TO GO BACK! DON’T YOU AGREE, EINSTEIN? I’VE GOT TO GO BACK NOW!”

“Um… Go where?” our reporter then asked nervously, reaching anxiously for the small can of mace hidden somewhere deep within her purse beneath a couple recently purchased CDs from a band called “The Starlighters”.

“WHAT? YOU STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND? WHY, BACK TO THE FUTURE, OF COURSE!”

At this point, our reporter immediately terminated the interview, fearing for her safety as a result of Mr. Brown’s clearly aggitated and incoherent mental state, and running for the door as quickly as possible before driving off in one of our news vans also at ironically about 88 MPH.

Hill Valley officials say the search for Mr. McFly’s current whereabouts is ongoing, but advise the public not to automatically assume the Tesla AutoPilot system is to blame before the completion of their full investigation.

“It is clear that Delorean DMC-12s do not usually disappear into thin air in the middle of shopping mall parking lots while leaving nothing but a spinning ‘OUTATIME’ vanity plate and trails of sparks and flame on the ground behind them.” Local police chief James Strickland was quoted this morning during a formal press conference on the subject. “Nonetheless, we have learned that Mr. McFly had recently gotten involved in betting on horse races, so we are continuing to investigate this and other angles until Mr. McFly’s whereabouts can, at last, be confirmed.”

“He may also be operating under the alias of ‘Calvin Klein’.” Chief Strickland later added.

When a reporter from BBC News asked if there were any updates on a similar case involving a Tesla AutoPilot system being installed in 1960s London police box held by a collector in Hill Valley before the makeshift transportation device also disappeared without a trace. Mr. Strickland’s only reply was that “The Master” would not allow him to speak on the topic any further. The press conference was then abruptly terminated, and all attendees were advised to watch out for statues going home.