Tag: Bill O’Reilly

[SATIRE] Ousted Bill O’Reilly Announces New “Killing” Series Book – “Killing My Career”

[Original Post: May 1, 2017]

New York, NY – Exactly one week after his abrupt ousting from the 8 pm time slot on the Fox News Channel, Republican news commentator Bill O’Reilly has announced the first major step in his unexpected career transition by moving up the timetable of his next mostly ghost written book, another in his recent series of “Killing” books which documents the death or downfall of a major historical person or party in the ever heart-stirring words of the charismatic and articulate Martin Dugard, (no, I don’t know who that is, either), his next likely New York Times bestseller apparently focusing on the public downfall of Mr. Bill O’Reilly himself, with the title “Killing My Career: How the No Spin Zone Spun Out Into the End Zone”.

Shortly after announcing his next work on social media, Bill O’Reilly sat down with CBC News veteran reporter Michael Hamden for an impromptu interview, in which he discussed both his departure from the Fox News Channel and his upcoming new book… sort of.

“I have no intention to bloviate, but I am a jocund, erudite intellectual possessing a clear and overwhelming conglomeration of sapience.  The cretins spreading delusive canards like a cudgel against my character are but anserine, obtuse rogues and chimeras who impugn my transcendent excellence armed with but rumors and bavardage.  I am no incubus.” Bill O’Reilly explained to a somewhat bewildered-looking Michael Hamden.  “In time, those varlets will reveal themselves as charlatans, and my true chivalry and sagacity will eminate prominently throughout this planetoid once again.”

“Uh… what?” Michael Hamden asked with a puzzled look on his face, quickly pulling up a dictionary on his cell phone while Mr. O’Reilly re-ordered his last statement and spoke again.

“They cavil against me, those peevish eldritch ninnyhammers!” Bill O’Reilly clarified (or halfway attempted to), as Michael Hamden looked cluelessly at him as if he were speaking an entirely different language than the veteran reporter.  “Vexation!  This is not arcane fandangle!  I am not a blatherskite!  Are you acting the farceur to infuriate me?”

“Ninnyhammer… that’s one of the four monthly vocabularly words on your BillOReilly.com website this month.  Are you… just using as many big words as possible to avoid answering my questions about the sexual harassment charges against you?” Michael Hamden asked, raising a suspicous eyebrow against the former master of the “No Spin Zone”, attempting to decipher Bill’s last comment using various references pulled up on his phone.  “Blatherskite… ‘A bloviator who goes on and on without making sense’.  That’s a ‘Word of the Day’ from March.  You’re literally just using all these unnecessary big vocabularly words from your website, aren’t you?”

“Uh… culture war.  Old school.  Um… Talking Points Memo?” Bill O’Reilly mumbled incoherently before running out of the CBC News studio as quickly as he could.  “PRODUCER, CUT HIS MIKE!!!”

A second interview between Michael Hamden and ghost writer of Mr. O’Reilly’s new “Killing” series book, Martin Dugard, was fortunately a little bit more enlightening.

“Why’d he choose to write a book about himself this time?” Mr. Dugard asked, quickly confirming Michael Hamden’s question for him before answering.  “Well, Why do you think?  So far he’s written books about the ‘Killing’ of George S. Patton, three popular American Presidents, the entire nation of World War II era Japan, and Jesus Christ, the Son of God.  Even before being fired from Fox, the only person Bill could think of to write about on the same level as figures like Lincoln and Kennedy is, of course, in his mind – himself.  Can you imagine spending every day working with a guy like that?”

Michael Hamden frowned, glancing at the Programming Director of CBC News watching his interview with Martin Dugard through a nearby window looking into Hamden’s office before looking back at Mr. Dugard.

“No, I can’t… Not at all.”

While overwhelmingly high pre-orders of his newly announced “Killing My Career” book have assured Bill O’Reilly’s continued presence in the public spotlight for several years to come, his departure from Fox News has led to other positive developments for several other Republican and conservative commentators still employed by the Fox News network.

“So, you bought a giant money vault on a hill with a golden dollar sign hanging on the outside in which to fill with a literal swimming pool of gold coins to kick and splash around in?” SLNC News reporter Timothy Gibbings asked new 8 PM time slot inhabitant, Tucker Carlson, the opinionist namesake of Fox News Channel’s new and popular “Tucker Carlson Tonight” show.

“Yes, what else would I do with the literal building worth of gold coins given to me by Fox News for anchoring their new weekday primetime line-up?” Tucker asked Timothy Gibbings while wielding his trademark, somewhat blank “What’s wrong with you?” stare.

“O…k…” Timothy Gibbings blinked uncomfortably, not even sure what to do with this interview going further, and unknowingly mumbling something about Trump being Hitler as a nervous twitch inherited from his recent, cult-like mainstream media “induction ceremony” upon joining SLNC News six months prior.

“Did you just compare Trump to Hitler?” Tucker asked, cocking his head slightly to the side in a convicting manner, having heard Timothy Gibbings’ quiet whispers with his nearly superhuman hearing.

“Uh… no, I said Trump works for Putin.” Gibbings caught himself with another quick, instinctual mainstream media comeback.  “Yes, I said Trump works for Putin.  That’s what I said.  And he didn’t go to the recent White House Correspondents’ Dinner, either.  Or pay any of his taxes last year.  What a tool, huh?  Total fascist, that one.”

Tucker Carlson blinked in feigned miscomprehension.

“And what does that have to do with my giant wasteful building of gold coins I swim in like old Scrooge McDuck from the classic Disney cartoon show, ‘Duck Tales’?”

“Uh…”

Several debate points later, Timothy Gibbings was on the floor crying like a baby, and Tucker Carlson had his lead segment for the next airing of “Tucker Carlson Tonight”.  Smelling blood in the water, Bill O’Reilly immediately announced the next book in his “Killing” series to be published in a mere two months from now, immediately after the public release of “Killing My Career”, this one called “Killing Timothy Gibbings: The Obvious Bias of the Mainstream Media Exposed”, a book title which immediately swept Mr. O’Reilly up into another big legal controversy, led by several high-paid lawyers for both SLNC News and for the now somewhat desheveled and tear-stained Timothy Gibbings, but also successfully managing to triple online pre-orders of both “Killing My Career” and “Killing Timothy Gibbings” by his die-hard followers and fans.

Mr. O’Reilly’s only official comment regarding the new legal controversy regarding his “Killing Timothy Gibbings” book was to publicly call Mr. Gibbings a “snowflake”.  When asked what he meant by this, Mr. O’Reilly merely smiled and told Mr. Gibbings’ lawyers they’d need to get a BillOReilly.com premium membership in order to find an answer to that.  He then handed each of them a signed copy of one of his books for being “fair and balanced” before breaking down crying at their feet.

[SATIRE] “Crisis of Character” and the Fox News Scandal

“CRISIS OF CHARACTER” AND THE FOX NEWS SCANDAL
by NENSPAC

(Original Post: July 1, 2016)

As the countdown to November continues among Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump and Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, some on the Republican side are questioning why a recently released book by decorated military officer and former Secret Service agent, Gary J. Byrne, “Crisis of Character”, in which Mr. Byrne describes his experiences in guarding Former President Bill Clinton, often times from his own wife, who was reported to have been considered a threat to her husband’s safety, and, on at least one occasion, appears to have given him a black eye after throwing a vase at his head in a fit of anger, has not gotten almost any attention from the mainstream media.

One reporter brought up this point during a press conference with Mrs. Clinton late last week, asking her if she was aware of this book, and whether or not the allegations contained within it about her hair-trigger fuse and often violent anger did, in fact, have any validity.

“Of course not!” Hillary Clinton laughed politely, while smiling at the litany of reporters gathered around her podium. “This just goes to show that those on the Republican side will say and do anything to keep a woman from being elected President. You know, I haven’t even heard of this book. Tell me, do you have a copy here with you? I’d like to take a picture with it for the press just so everyone can see how ridiculous this whole thing is.”

“I do actually.” the reporter acknowledged, handing Former Secretary of State Clinton a copy from the brown messenger bag hanging from his shoulder. “Here… you can keep it.”

“Why, thank you…” Hillary smiled kindly, before wrenching the book out of the reporter’s hands and chucking it into his face as hard as she could, successfully knocking the reporter unconscious. “Again, there is absolutely NO credibility to any of the claims made in this outlandish book. Do I look like an angry person to you? Maybe when I don’t have my coffee, but I don’t exactly go around throwing things at people when I’m a little caffeine-starved, despite what some of the conservative extremists in the Donald Trump campaign may tell you.”

“Um… Mrs. Clinton?” another reporter chimed in, taking a step back from the first reporter to avoid getting blood on his new dress shoes. “Did you just knock Michael Hamden from CBC News unconscious with a copy of the ‘Crisis of Character’ book he just gave you?”

“No… of course not. That’s ridiculous! What is this, a Tea Party rally?” Clinton smiled, before taking a step down from her podium to rest a hand comfortingly on the second reporter’s shoulder. “Don’t you have any REAL questions to ask me, instead of these Republican talking points memos?”

Feeling instinctual fear for the first time in his entire career as a reporter for the Daily Trumpet, the second reporter, John Lachum from Nebraska, slowly shook his head no while sweating profusely, holding his breath until Mrs. Clinton smiled and took her hand off his shoulder, returning to her podium on the stage above him.

The matter did not drop with Mr. Lachum, however. It was ironically the often liberal-identifying MSNBC network to next bring up the story of Candidate Clinton’s supposed hurling of a bestselling novel at the head of a CBC News reporter, being one of the primary topics on Chris Matthews’ “Hardball” show the next evening.

“Hillary Clinton, physically accosted by a reporter from Fox News, and forced to defend herself by throwing a book at this cowardly extension of the Republican party, who then used another reporter like a human shield, causing that reporter to be knocked unconscious and taken to the hospital for medical treatment. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF ANYTHING THIS RIDICULOUS??? FOX NEWS SHOULD BE ASHAMED, AND, IF THEY HAD ANY DECENCY AT ALL, THEY WOULD APOLOGIZE IMMEDIATELY, BOTH TO ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEED FUTURE PRESIDENT HILLARY CLINTON, AND TO THE CBC REPORTER, MICHAEL HAMDEN, AND HIS FAMILY.”

“Resist, we much. We must. And we will much. About that, be committed.” added Al Sharpton, on his own MSNBC program the next day.

Unable to determine how they even got involved in the apparent media scandal despite having abstained from even sending a reporter to any of Hillary Clinton’s press conferences since just before Christmas, Fox News responded in the only way they knew how, by inviting Donald Trump on each and every one of their evening programs for an interview, and repeatedly discussing the matter with him at length.

“I think Native Americans should pay taxes just like the rest of us.” Donald Trump explained, while Fox News personality Bill O’Reilly stared introspectively at the button on his broadcast booth to turn off Mr. Trump’s microphone. “Did I mention I love Cinco De Mayo? Trump Tower Grill makes the best taco bowls in town! You’re fired! Sorry, force of habit.”

As Trump continued to ramble on incoherently throughout Fox News’ evening line-up, Michael Hamden released a statement of his own to the media, after being confronted by a reporter on his way back to the hospital to have his stitches removed.

“I don’t really remember a lot about the last few weeks, honestly. Supposedly, it’s a side effect of having such a severe concussion.” Mr. Hamden said hurriedly, looking around nervously for any sign of books flying at him. “All I know is I’m never wearing a messenger bag full of reading materials to another press conference event again. Next time I’m worried about getting bored at work, I’ll just download ‘Generally Disgruntled Birds’ on my phone like everybody else. Or ‘Candy Crush: Diabetes Saga’. Wait… who am I again?”

This news story was sponsored by NENSPAC, the Non-Existent Nonsensical Political Action Committee, which like its name suggests, does not exist. Just like MSNBC’s viewers. Please don’t throw books at us. We don’t have good health insurance here.