Tag: Bugs

[Original Article: Saturday, October 23, 2021]

When I was a kid, I used to be deathly afraid of bees.  I wasn’t allergic to them or anything, but the threat of something so small, so unintrusive that could slip its way into my world and fill me with what seemed at the time to be unimaginable pain for simply happening upon it at an unfortunate moment… I think that’s what really frightened me as a kid.

Now, I respect bees for what they are – an essential part of our ecosystem that pollinates the plants that make our human habitats beautiful and healthy, something which is now disappearing from our world at an increasing rate.  I’m sure you’ve heard about the decreases in the honeybee population, but I’ve come to find out a little more about it than you’ll ever hear in your local media news hour.  CNN, Fox News… they don’t want to talk about it, either.  It’s true that bees are dying at an almost alarming rate in some parts of the country.  What you’re not being told is what killed them, and, even more terrifying, what happens to them after they die.  They don’t simply rot on the ground like they were squashed under a human shoe.  No, they come back with a vengeance against the cold mechanical world that so cruelly extinguished them… they come back as zom-bees.

The year is 2017.  Unsold DVD copies of the 2016 movie “Ghostbusters: Answer the Call” were just beginning to pile up in city garbage dumps after retail outlets gave up on trying to hawk them in their discount movie sections and finally let them be hauled away as refuse.  Workers at a dump in Seattle, Washington, noticed a peculiar phenomenon that occurred after Seattle’s constant rain poured down long enough on a 1 mile square radius section of unsold Ghostbusters DVD’s in a corner of the refuse yard.  All the insects in that part of the dump were laying dead around the DVD’s, apparently killed by some sort of toxic, unfunny chemicals that seeped from the unwanted movies after being eroded away long enough by Seattle’s acidic rain.  In that moment, a new pesticide was born.

Known to exterminators testing the chemical in the area as “The Just Won’t Be Silent Killer”, the chemical seemed to stimulate deep-seated mental and emotional pain receptors in any living being that came into contact with it, overwhelming them in a way that many insects, having never built up any immunity from previous exposures to Melissa McCarthy, had no tolerance for, causing them a rapid, horrifying death.  The chemical was a godsend, able to kill tough pests like bedbugs without fail, and was set to begin a much larger, countrywide test run before being officially approved for international use when the first bees began to come into contact with the substance… and it changed them.

At first, the bees simply died like all other insects (and some humans) when exposed to concentrated, liquified Melissa McCarthy humor.  But, then, everything turned quickly for the worst.  Perhaps something deeply naïve and innocent in the gentle, flower-loving little creatures fought back against the sudden influx of darkness into their tiny insect souls, clinging desperately to life out of sheer rage of how their existence was being extinguished.  Perhaps other factors were involved.  All we know is from that moment on, the DVD-laced chemical was never used again, and all the bees that accidentally came into contact with it during its test run came back from their initial bout of death… as creatures that could no longer experience death.  Furious, comedy-loathing, human-hating, swords of inconsolable, unkillable, unstoppable stinging that attacked in swarms anything that moved… and then ate the brains of whatever they killed, apparently seeking fresh brain tissue to regenerate the parts of their minds forever scarred from their contact with liquid Ghostbusters 2016.

Roaming through the Pacific Northwest, these swarms of zom-bees now sting and infect their own kind, killing off the normal honeybee population and turning their sacrificed former kindred into more of their own stinging zombie legions.  A quick excuse about “murder hornets” from Asia helped to distract the population from the true threat for a time, but, now, many in our country are beginning to again awaken to the truth that swarms of stinging, slaughtering, human-hating, brain-eating zombie honeybees are wreaking havoc all along America’s west coast.  As they spread into California, wildfires were started to try to exterminate the bees and keep them from infiltrating the state, but to no avail.  Zom-bees are real, and they are winning the fight with humanity.  One painful sting at a time.

So, if you find yourself on the western side of our beautiful US of A, and you see a swarm of oddly grey-colored bees moving about from an oversized hive of pinkish, grayish goo that looks like human brain tissue… don’t worry!  You have nothing to fear.  Because it will all be over for you shortly.  The only thing you have to worry about now is what you will do to keep your mind off the pain in the 60 seconds of being stung all over at once you will experience when the zom-bees see you… and come for you in vengeance for being exposed to Ghostbusters 2016.

You have been warned!

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Throughout the month of October, the “Eye of Zatara” is continuing to investigate the strange and paranormal in our community, bringing to light mysteries that could question and unravel everything we know about the world around us.  Keep in mind that this story is REAL, according to everything we were told about it by this one guy we met at Starbucks the other day who seemed really credible, although he wouldn’t give me his name.  Or maybe he did, and I just forgot it.  Was it… Frank, maybe?  He ordered a mocha white hot chocolate.  I do remember that.  How can you possibly question anything being told to you by a man with such a fine taste in drinks?  Well?  Yeah, I didn’t think so.

If you have any reports of zom-bees sightings in your area to pass along, or other paranormal encounters you’d like us to investigate, please reach out to the “Eye of Zatara” today through our Comments section or through my P.O. box, and by P.O. box, I mean unfinished bird house sitting on a bench in my backyard waiting for me to do something with it.  That I’ve taped a sticky note to that says “P.O. Box”.  Trust me, it’s very secure.  So, reach out to the “Eye of Zatara” today!

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~The Gatekeeper