Tag: Illegal Immigration

[SATIRE] Biden Addresses Crisis at Border – “Sky Wall” to Be Built on Northern Border to Keep Out Canadian Geese

(Original Post: March 16, 2021)

Derby Line, Vermont – Citizens on the Canadian border town of Derby Line, Vermont celebrated today as the Biden administration announced plans to begin construction on a new “Sky Wall” to help keep Canadian Geese from flying freely into our country.

“The racist right would like you to focus only on immigration across our Southern border,” Press Secretary Jen Psaki explained to reporters gathered in the White House press briefing room this morning.  “Our new Pokéball initiatve helps address this problem, but the time has come to circle back to our Canadian border.  Geese swarming unchecked into our country are stealing the bread from old ladies that American ducks would otherwise receive.  How are these ducks supposed to feed their families?”

“I am happy to announce today,” President Biden elaborated, in a small video statement he made in-between “Afternoon Naptime #1” and “Afternoon Naptime #2” on his schedule, “That included in the recently signed COVID relief bill are funds to build the ‘Sky Wall’ needed to protect American interests on the Canadian border.  This will consist of an electrified chain link fence covering nearly 6,000 miles of border equipped with motion detection speakers that quack out ‘Keep Out, Aye!’ in goose honks to any approaching Canadian immigrants.  The fence will be over 10,000 feet high and will include solar panels made by our good friends in China to power the speakers.  End of statement.  You can stop reading the teleprompter, Joe.  It just went blank.  Wait, who… What… Where am I again?”

“There were many on the right and on the left who criticized the Obama administration for not addressing Canadian Goose immigration when they passed the Avian Affordable Care Act in 2010, the bill which promised free moldy bread pieces and discounted health insurance to annoying pond birds in certain low income brackets who qualify,” explained Vice President Harris in a brief sit-down interview with Timothy Gibbings from SLNC News.  “The Harris Administration has now done what the Obama Administration was afraid to, constructing a glorious new ‘Sky Wall’ to guard our nation’s children from being woken up at 3 in the morning by loud obnoxious goose honking noises.  We have also issued 1400 lb. stimulus breads to American ducks that have been effected by the ongoing Canadian Goose immigration crisis to help them recover financially from previous administrations’ lack of follow-through.”

“My concern is what will be done with the Canadian Geese who are already here.” Senator Ted Cruz tweeted from inside a Pokéball in Carrizo Springs, Texas.  “It’s not like they’re simply going to fly south to another country or something in six months.  They’re a part of the economy now.  Are we going to offer them a pathway to citizenship, or are we going to round them up with some kind of Goose Nets and throw them back into Canada?”

Ted Cruz clarified his position with a following tweet.

“Personally, I hope we use the Goose Nets.”

[SATIRE] Biden Administration Offers “Pokéballs” as Solution to Migrant Housing Facilities

[March 4, 2021]

Washington, D.C. – Facing backlash for increasing the number of “kids in cages” since he took office, U.S. President Joe Biden, along with Satoshi Tajiri, the President of the Japanese video game company “Game Freak”, has announced a new solution to temporarily housing migrant children separated from their parents after crossing the southern border – storing these children electronically as data in small red and white capsule devices known as “Pokéballs”.

“While originally designed for containing elemental monsters such as the electric mouse, Pikachu, or winged fire lizard, Charizard,” Tajiri explained in an interview earlier this morning, “our recently invented real life versions of Pokéballs are as equally good at converting human beings into energy and storing them electronically as they are Pokémon, especially since Pokémon don’t exist yet.”

“No longer will we continue the Trump tradition of putting children in cages!” Biden declared triumphantly to a small gaggle of reporters later in the afternoon.  “Instead, we will store children in Pokéballs, and put the Pokéballs in the cages!  Win, win!”

“Building Pokéballs just to contain children.  That’s sad.” former U.S. President Donald Trump shook his head, during a brief conversation on the topic with CBC News reporter Michael Hamden today.  “That money could go to better things.  Greater things.  American things.  Like more cages.  Children love cages.  They’re like little hotels to them.  Stick a tiny TV in there, and they’re good for weeks at a time.  I usually have the TVs play ‘The Apprentice’ on loop.  Don’t want to risk them watching CNN and getting brainwashed by fake news, after all.”

“Kids love Pokémon.” Biden shrugged, when asked how he came up with the idea for the new policy, while sitting down in the prison that is his portion of the White House, with SLNC News Reporter, Timothy Gibbings, while Kamala Harris stood watch outside to make sure the U.S. President didn’t try to sneak out the window again today.  “So, I figure, why not treat kids LIKE Pokémon.  I’m told they’ll be computer files while in the Pokéballs, so they won’t remember a thing anyway.  Not even my hairy legs.”

“When will you begin implementation of the new policy?” Mr. Gibbings asked, trying to get the President’s attention away from a game of Mario Kart he was getting rather involved in on his White House Nintendo Switch.

“Huh?  What?  Oh, we have already!” the President announced with a smile, before firing a series of red turtle shells at an online player by the name of “BarackYourWorld” but somehow missing with all of them.  “The good thing about Pokéballs, I’m told, is you can carry them on a belt on your waist.  If you hit something with them, the Pokéball automatically opens to catch them, converting them into computer whatsit.  I had a bunch of Border Patrol guys hang around the Alamo and throw Pokéballs at every kid they could see.  Caught a bunch of them already!  Sent them straight to Carrizo Springs…”

“The Alamo’s not on the border.  It’s more of a tourist haven for Americans.” Mr. Gibbings raised an eyebrow at the President.

“Oh…” Biden cocked his head funny, before focusing back on his game of Mario Kart.  “That explains all the phone calls I got today.”

Deployment of the new devices at the Alamo aside, many Americans on both sides of the aisle have shown approval of the new policy of storing kids as computer information inside small spherical devices of dubious technology rather than keep them in what were called during Trump’s presidency “cages” but which are now being called “migrant facilities”.  However, several prominent voices, both Democrat and Republic alike, have been vocal in their criticism of the new policy.

“Using Pokéballs to corral immigrating children without also giving them at least a $24 minimum wage while in the Pokéballs is a compromise, a deep one.” said Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez shortly before the printing of this article.  “I am utterly embarrassed we are even having this conversation about storing children in computerized devices based on Nintendo video games without at least a $24 minimum wage for them also being discussed.  Also, I was nearly killed by a Pokéball thrown at me by Ted Cruz last week, so, frankly, I’m not big on supporting such Conservative-friendly technology to begin with.”

“You know good and well I was in Cancun last week.” Ted Cruz replied in a quick social media livestream to Ocasio-Cortez.  “My wife said, ‘Ted, it’s your turn to take the trash out tonight, isn’t it?’ and, bam, before she knew it, Cancun.  I flew back later that night, but, when I got home, the temperature was below 100, which is very low for Texas, so I hopped right back on my private jet, and flew down to Mexico again.  I’d probably be down there right now, honestly, but I stopped in San Antonio to spend some time admiring how beautiful the Alamo is this time of year.  Wait, what is that strange man throwing at me?  Some kind of… red and white baseball?”

After that, Ted Cruz’s feed cut out.

Despite objections from some on both sides about his Pokéball policy, President Biden is moving forward with immediate implementation of the sweeping changes, equipping every Border Patrol agent and some police officers named Jenny with a full belt of Pokéballs to be used to contain those that would otherwise be thrown into “migrant facilities”.

Those already in facilities are being given the option to stay in their current lodgings, or move into a Pokéball.  Sources close to the “Eye of Zatara” have revealed, however, that most have chosen to abandon reality for Pokéballs after their TVs that previously played “The Apprentice” on loop have been switched to playing The CW’s “Batwoman” instead.