Tag: Justice League

[SATIRE] “Justice League” Movie News! – HBO Max Release of “Snyder Cut” to Be Joined by New “Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover Cut”

[March 1, 2021]

New York City, New York – As many fans of DC universe superheroes like Superman, Batman, and the Flash wait for the upcoming release of the “Snyder Cut” of 2017’s DCEU “Justice League” movie, which is scheduled to be released on WarnerMedia’s “HBO Max” streaming service on March 18th, Jason Kilar, CEO of WarnerMedia has announced another new cut of “Justice League” that will also debut on March 18th alongside the Snyder Cut – the “Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover Cut”.

“Many fans of the DCEU feel that the original cut of 2017’s ‘Justice League’ movie simply did not address the Justice League heroes’ love of America’s favorite Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover snacks.” Mr. Kilar explained in a small press briefing this morning outside WarnerMedia’s headquarters in New York.  “This cut of the movie, which features many new scenes of Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, the Flash, and even Cyborg stopping to catch a breath in the middle of big action scenes to enjoy a bag of their favorite salty pretzel bites, will remedy that obvious mistake.”

When asked how he thought the new movie iteration would stand up to the long awaited ‘Snyder Cut’, Mr. Kilar held his ground.

“Sure, the ‘Snyder Cut’ may show a ‘better’ version of the painfully average ‘Justice League’ movie in a form that long-time fans of DC Comics superheroes will find satisfying,” the CEO conceded, before moving on to his bigger point.  “But what is more satisfying than a bag of Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover?  Nothing.  Frankly, I’m surprised my bosses still want to release the almost pretzel-less ‘Snyder Cut’ of the movie at all, knowing it’s going up against this bad boy.”

Asked if there would be any other changes to the movie other than the inclusion of scenes showing superheroes eating pretzels, Mr. Kilar smiled and happily elaborated.

“Yes, you know that thing that Lex Luthor did in ‘Batman v. Superman’ where he kept eating Jolly Ranchers in the weirdest possible way while making squeaky noises?” the CEO explained giddily to the slightly skeptical reporters gathered before him.  “Well, we’ve done some re-editing and a full voice over re-recording of Flash’s lines so now that’s literally ALL he does.  For the whole movie.  He’s like Lex Luthor 2.0, except… well, we’ve added Lex Luthor back in to the movie, too.”

“Also,” Mr. Kilar continued.  “Since ‘Wonder Woman 1984’ broke canon by having Wonder Woman be a superhero in the 80’s despite us originally saying in the DCEU that she disappeared from society after the events of the first Wonder Woman movie, we’re going to add in a scene later in the movie where Gal Gadot comes out and says ‘Remember what I said about not being Wonder Woman anymore since WWI?   I was just kidding.’  I know.  Brilliant, right?”

“Oh, oh, oh… and there’s this one more thing!  This is a big one!” the WarnerMedia CEO continued, as freaked out reporters started gradually walking away from the press conference hoping Mr. Kilar wouldn’t notice.  “Remember how Steppenwolf had like no personality in the original movie other than ‘generic CGI villain’?  Well, now he’s going to be a pro video gamer who plays Overwatch.  And instead of these box things he’s looking for being ‘Mother Cubes’ or whatever, they’re going to be special seasonal Loot Boxes redeemable in Overwatch.  See?  Now he has a clear motive for all the bad guy stuff he does in the movie!”

Following the WarnerMedia press conference with CEO Jason Kilar, Zach Snyder himself was asked for comment by senior reporter, Michael Hamden, of CBC News, to whom he gave a few thoughts on the “Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover Cut” being added to HBO Max on March 18th alongside his own “Snyder Cut”.

“All is darkness.  Who are we, like gods, to choose what is life over what is death?  Insert slow motion fight scene.  Now, have Batman kill like five people.” Zach Snyder whispered in a hushed tone to Mr. Hamden, looking around wildly as if other people were in the room, but it was only Snyder and Hamden.  “Excuse me, now, I have to go rip off The Flash’s mask so I can reveal his identity to the world.  Please enjoy the ‘Snyder Cut’ of that one not terrible movie I made.  Bring popcorn, though, because it’s five hours long.”

In a final comment from WarnerMedia, Mr. Kilar tweeted that subscription numbers for HBO Max have more than tripled since the announcement of the “Snyder Cut” and the “Snyder’s Pretzel of Hanover Cut” were made.  “The Eye of Zatara” reached out to all five subscribers of HBO Max from before those announcements and confirmed, bandwidth for the service has been heavily strained since the number of subscribers recently leaped from five to something like sixteen or seventeen.  Eight of these new subscribers, however, have sworn to burn every streaming device in their house with fire should the “Snyder Cut” of “Justice League” be anything like “Wonder Woman 1984” in quality.   (Or “Tom & Jerry”.)

DISCLAIMER: “Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover” is not currently affiliated in any way with “The Eye of Zatara”, although we would like them to be.  If someone at this or any other pretzel company would like to join “Three Wolves” Brand Green Beans as one of our sponsors, please send the usual fifty-five cents and an expired Burger King coupon in an envelope to an address we will provide to you upon receipt of our first bag of discounted Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover, and we will be in contact with you shortly to confirm our sponsorship.  That is all.

(If this becomes a YouTube video, insert ad for Displate, Raycon, or Raid: Shadow Legends here… Maybe SurfShark?)

[SATIRE] Justice League Recommends Superheroes “Double Mask” to Better Protect Their Secret Identities

[February 24, 2021]

Hall of Justice, Washington, D.C. – The superhero organization, Justice League of America, consisting of legendary stalwart defenders of the world such as Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman, has issued new recommendations to ground level superheroes on the streets of America and beyond – specifically, that when going into action, they “double mask” to better protect their secret identities from supervillains trying to rip off their capes and cowls to find out who they are.

“We’ve lost some good heroes lately…” Batman recounted to reporters gathered at the small Justice League press conference on their new “double mask” initiative.  “Just last month, the Joker ripped Nightwing’s mask right off his face, snapped a picture of him with a cell phone, and posted it right to Instagram before anyone could stop him.  If only he’d listened to me about wearing a second mask… he’d still be out there passive aggressively fighting crime alongside me sometimes.”

“I didn’t realize it when I went on the prowl, but one of the strings on my mask was a little frayed.” The Green Arrow explained, in a social media post supporting the new double mask recommendation, “There I was, fighting my archnemesis, Zach Snyder, (“The Director”), when there’s this… strong breeze out of nowhere, and my mask goes flying across the street into a subway entrance.  Good thing I’m CW version Green Arrow, and all of my friends and enemies already know my secret identity anyway.”

“Yeah, I don’t know about this whole double mask thing, guys.” the Flash chimed in, while trying to clean some blood off the side of his trademark red and yellow costume.  “I mean, I rush around town at approximately 90-150 miles per hour, and it’s hard enough to see through this mask/hood thing I’ve got going on at that speed.  I tried wearing a second mask the other day while cruisin’ around town on patrol, and… I kind of… crashed into a bunch of things.  A BUNCH of things.  I think I may have killed a man…”

“Come on, it’s not that hard to see in two masks.” Superman replied, having overheard Flash’s remarks with his super hearing and flown over to join the conversation faster than a speeding bullet.

“Says the guy who doesn’t wear any masks.” the Flash rolled his eyes.

“I am confused.  I don’t wear a ‘mask’, per se.  Should I wear a double tiara instead?” Wonder Woman chimed in, having made herself invisible to eavesdrop on the conversation, since making things invisible is apparently now one of her powers.  “I’m certainly not wearing a regular mask combined with my tiara.  I can’t breathe in those things.”

Despite some strong objections to the new policy, many superheroes affiliated with the Justice League have begun alterations to their costume to comply with the new “double mask” recommendation.  Others have begun testing a new “secret identity vaccine” that injects some of the Martian Manhunter’s shapeshifting cells into the face of a superhero to let them temporarily alter their appearance in the event that their mask is removed.

Few, however, have noted the strange hand of a powerful cosmic entity who calls himself “Dr. Forcey” in the creation of these new recommendations, one whose relentlessly controlling grip on the superhero industry is not to be trifled with by mortal men, and whose intellect surpasses all imagination.  He can do no wrong.  His superpower?  “Fact-checking” those who oppose his recommendations on social media, making them appear like crackpot lunatics, ostracizing them from all public discourse until they are completely ignored by society, shunned and abandoned even by the heroes and institutions created to protect them.  This is all for their own good, however, we have been assured.

Of the major Justice League of America superheroes, only Aquaman was unavailable for comment at this time on the new “double mask” initiative.  It is rumored this is because he is in an inpatient alcohol abuse rehabilitation center, after becoming addicted while trying to be “edgy”, a consequence of his addition to the DC Extended Universe movies.  Green Lantern was, however, available for comment, but would only say to one lone reporter, “No, I ain’t having any part of this mess.  You all figure it out.  It’s way too stupid on both sides right now.”  Supergirl and Hawkgirl agreed.