Tag: Kamala Harris

[SATIRE] Biden Accepts Newest Challenge from Vladimir Putin – “Lightsaber Duel” in Place of Televised Debate

(Original Post: March 22, 2021)

Imperial Palace, Coruscant – Preparations are being hastily made for what is being called a “Duel of the Fates” as Vladimir Putin, President of Russia, escalated his previous challenge to Joe Biden for a televised debate, now requesting a Jedi lightsaber duel in the heart of the Imperial Palace on planet Coruscant, a request which U.S. President Biden has, surprisingly, accepted.

Leaving a spaceport in Moscow clothed entirely in black robes, Vladimir Putin, also known as “Darth Sykkle”, activated the hyperdrive on his small Imperial model shuttlecraft to take him to the Palace on Coruscant ahead of Biden, to await him, lightsaber in hand, ready to show all of America the power of the Communist “red side” of the Force.

It is unclear what the outcome of this battle will be, but video footage supposedly of the battle itself was delivered to the “Eye of Zatara” by an old man in a Hoveround muttering about Benjamin Franklin.  The following unconfirmed information is the record of the battle.

“Listen, Buddy, if you wanna… You’re… You’re a knucklehead, you know that?  I could… I could kick your one Force pony into next week!  You hear me?” President Biden muttered to a house plant hanging on the wall along one side of the duelists’ ring in the heart of the Imperial Palace.

“Mr. Biden, I know you are busy, but, before I cut you down, there is something you must know…” Darth Sykkle smiled beneath the black Sith hood of his robes, igniting the crimson blade of his silver-hilted energy sword.

“Look, if you’re about to say you’re my father, you’re a heck of a lot older than you look.”

“No…” Vladimir Putin answered with an insidious cackle.  “I am… CORN POP’S father.  I am the reason he went down the wrong path, and threatened you at that pool you used to work at.”

Hearing this, U.S. President Biden’s expression changed in an instant, the once frail-looking leader standing up tall and facing Darth Sykkle with a ferocious look of knowing determination as he activated his own “Luigi Green” colored lightsaber and raised it in challenge like a master fencer’s rapier towards the face of the corrupted Russian dictator.

“Not good enough.” Putin laughed as he waved his hand at Biden, striking him with a burst of Force energy and throwing him down the staircase located directly behind him on the dueling platform.  “And, by the way, that’s the SECOND time I’ve thrown you down a staircase with the Force in the last week, Mr. President!”

Putin laughed maniacally, as Biden collapsed pathetically on the staircase.

“It’s over…” Putin smiled as he walked to the top of the staircase and stared down at the once again confused and befuddled American leader.

“It is NOT.” Another voice chimed in from the shadows, as a new weapon activated behind Darth Sykkle, revealing the face of a black and red armored Kamala Harris holding a large, shuriken-like, four-bladed lightsaber ring, each blade on the weapon a shade of red matching exactly the color of freshly spilt blood.

“What?” Putin raised an eyebrow in confusion, turning around to face his new challenger.

“It is said with Sith there are always two – a Master and an Apprentice.  This is true.” Vice President Harris showed but the tiniest hint of a smirk as she threw her strange lightsaber at Putin in a blur too fast for his eyes to even track, cutting him down in a single slashing movement without giving him so much as a chance to defend himself against her.  “You made the mistake of challenging the Apprentice.  Now you fall before the Master…”

“And you have made the same mistake…” another voice echoed in the old duelists’ arena, an odd, unnaturally-colored, orange-skinned right hand reaching down to retrieve the still glowing red lightsaber from the injured Putin’s grasp, a “Luigi Green” saber already shining in his left.  “You have slain MY Apprentice – one I picked on the Russia version of my show, The Apprentice.  Now, thanks to that, once I finish you, I will control Vanuatu, the United States, Coruscant, AND Russia.  Then, I will make the whole GALAXY great again!”

The strange orange alien with a fuzzy, hair-like growth on his head chuckled, wrapped head-to-toe in a red cloak made out of “MAGA” hats overlaid on an awkwardly-drawn American flag with the incorrect number of stars and stripes on it.

“Kamala… or, should I say… Darth Ka-Maula…” former President Trump smiled in the light of his two stolen lightsabers, glowing bright in each of his hands from the fallen Apprentices of the two Dark Lords now facing off against one another at last.  “Winning is literally my thing.  What chance do you think you have against someone like me?”

“Winning may be something you excel at…” the Vice President spoke calmly, using the Force to bring her lightsaber ring weapon back into hand.  “But, if I recall correctly, the only time someone stopped you from winning… it was an election, it was last year, and it was ME.”

Trump’s eyes filled with fury, but he said nothing to his confident opponent.

“What’s wrong?  Nothing to say without Twitter to hide behind?” Kamala mocked, raising her weapon in challenge to the 45th President.

“I’m going to beat you so bad even a Dominion voting machine can’t put you back together again…” Trump smiled, charging at Kamala as the two clashed blades in an epic cascade of sparking flashes of light.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the background, a third figure watched over the battle, interlacing her fingers and smiling silently to herself, cloaked in a shadow of the Force so thick that even the Dark Lords clashing before her had no idea she was even there at all.

“Excellent…” Kathleen Kennedy smiled over the battle as Kamala and Trump battled evenly against one another in a tremendous display of swordsmanship and skill.  “I’m not sure which of the two of them will win in the end.  But, whichever one does… I will make them MY new apprentice…”

A cold chill filled the hearts of everyone in the galaxy.

~The Gatekeeper

 

 

[SATIRE] Biden Addresses Crisis at Border – “Sky Wall” to Be Built on Northern Border to Keep Out Canadian Geese

(Original Post: March 16, 2021)

Derby Line, Vermont – Citizens on the Canadian border town of Derby Line, Vermont celebrated today as the Biden administration announced plans to begin construction on a new “Sky Wall” to help keep Canadian Geese from flying freely into our country.

“The racist right would like you to focus only on immigration across our Southern border,” Press Secretary Jen Psaki explained to reporters gathered in the White House press briefing room this morning.  “Our new Pokéball initiatve helps address this problem, but the time has come to circle back to our Canadian border.  Geese swarming unchecked into our country are stealing the bread from old ladies that American ducks would otherwise receive.  How are these ducks supposed to feed their families?”

“I am happy to announce today,” President Biden elaborated, in a small video statement he made in-between “Afternoon Naptime #1” and “Afternoon Naptime #2” on his schedule, “That included in the recently signed COVID relief bill are funds to build the ‘Sky Wall’ needed to protect American interests on the Canadian border.  This will consist of an electrified chain link fence covering nearly 6,000 miles of border equipped with motion detection speakers that quack out ‘Keep Out, Aye!’ in goose honks to any approaching Canadian immigrants.  The fence will be over 10,000 feet high and will include solar panels made by our good friends in China to power the speakers.  End of statement.  You can stop reading the teleprompter, Joe.  It just went blank.  Wait, who… What… Where am I again?”

“There were many on the right and on the left who criticized the Obama administration for not addressing Canadian Goose immigration when they passed the Avian Affordable Care Act in 2010, the bill which promised free moldy bread pieces and discounted health insurance to annoying pond birds in certain low income brackets who qualify,” explained Vice President Harris in a brief sit-down interview with Timothy Gibbings from SLNC News.  “The Harris Administration has now done what the Obama Administration was afraid to, constructing a glorious new ‘Sky Wall’ to guard our nation’s children from being woken up at 3 in the morning by loud obnoxious goose honking noises.  We have also issued 1400 lb. stimulus breads to American ducks that have been effected by the ongoing Canadian Goose immigration crisis to help them recover financially from previous administrations’ lack of follow-through.”

“My concern is what will be done with the Canadian Geese who are already here.” Senator Ted Cruz tweeted from inside a Pokéball in Carrizo Springs, Texas.  “It’s not like they’re simply going to fly south to another country or something in six months.  They’re a part of the economy now.  Are we going to offer them a pathway to citizenship, or are we going to round them up with some kind of Goose Nets and throw them back into Canada?”

Ted Cruz clarified his position with a following tweet.

“Personally, I hope we use the Goose Nets.”

[SATIRE] Biden Administration Offers “Pokéballs” as Solution to Migrant Housing Facilities

[March 4, 2021]

Washington, D.C. – Facing backlash for increasing the number of “kids in cages” since he took office, U.S. President Joe Biden, along with Satoshi Tajiri, the President of the Japanese video game company “Game Freak”, has announced a new solution to temporarily housing migrant children separated from their parents after crossing the southern border – storing these children electronically as data in small red and white capsule devices known as “Pokéballs”.

“While originally designed for containing elemental monsters such as the electric mouse, Pikachu, or winged fire lizard, Charizard,” Tajiri explained in an interview earlier this morning, “our recently invented real life versions of Pokéballs are as equally good at converting human beings into energy and storing them electronically as they are Pokémon, especially since Pokémon don’t exist yet.”

“No longer will we continue the Trump tradition of putting children in cages!” Biden declared triumphantly to a small gaggle of reporters later in the afternoon.  “Instead, we will store children in Pokéballs, and put the Pokéballs in the cages!  Win, win!”

“Building Pokéballs just to contain children.  That’s sad.” former U.S. President Donald Trump shook his head, during a brief conversation on the topic with CBC News reporter Michael Hamden today.  “That money could go to better things.  Greater things.  American things.  Like more cages.  Children love cages.  They’re like little hotels to them.  Stick a tiny TV in there, and they’re good for weeks at a time.  I usually have the TVs play ‘The Apprentice’ on loop.  Don’t want to risk them watching CNN and getting brainwashed by fake news, after all.”

“Kids love Pokémon.” Biden shrugged, when asked how he came up with the idea for the new policy, while sitting down in the prison that is his portion of the White House, with SLNC News Reporter, Timothy Gibbings, while Kamala Harris stood watch outside to make sure the U.S. President didn’t try to sneak out the window again today.  “So, I figure, why not treat kids LIKE Pokémon.  I’m told they’ll be computer files while in the Pokéballs, so they won’t remember a thing anyway.  Not even my hairy legs.”

“When will you begin implementation of the new policy?” Mr. Gibbings asked, trying to get the President’s attention away from a game of Mario Kart he was getting rather involved in on his White House Nintendo Switch.

“Huh?  What?  Oh, we have already!” the President announced with a smile, before firing a series of red turtle shells at an online player by the name of “BarackYourWorld” but somehow missing with all of them.  “The good thing about Pokéballs, I’m told, is you can carry them on a belt on your waist.  If you hit something with them, the Pokéball automatically opens to catch them, converting them into computer whatsit.  I had a bunch of Border Patrol guys hang around the Alamo and throw Pokéballs at every kid they could see.  Caught a bunch of them already!  Sent them straight to Carrizo Springs…”

“The Alamo’s not on the border.  It’s more of a tourist haven for Americans.” Mr. Gibbings raised an eyebrow at the President.

“Oh…” Biden cocked his head funny, before focusing back on his game of Mario Kart.  “That explains all the phone calls I got today.”

Deployment of the new devices at the Alamo aside, many Americans on both sides of the aisle have shown approval of the new policy of storing kids as computer information inside small spherical devices of dubious technology rather than keep them in what were called during Trump’s presidency “cages” but which are now being called “migrant facilities”.  However, several prominent voices, both Democrat and Republic alike, have been vocal in their criticism of the new policy.

“Using Pokéballs to corral immigrating children without also giving them at least a $24 minimum wage while in the Pokéballs is a compromise, a deep one.” said Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez shortly before the printing of this article.  “I am utterly embarrassed we are even having this conversation about storing children in computerized devices based on Nintendo video games without at least a $24 minimum wage for them also being discussed.  Also, I was nearly killed by a Pokéball thrown at me by Ted Cruz last week, so, frankly, I’m not big on supporting such Conservative-friendly technology to begin with.”

“You know good and well I was in Cancun last week.” Ted Cruz replied in a quick social media livestream to Ocasio-Cortez.  “My wife said, ‘Ted, it’s your turn to take the trash out tonight, isn’t it?’ and, bam, before she knew it, Cancun.  I flew back later that night, but, when I got home, the temperature was below 100, which is very low for Texas, so I hopped right back on my private jet, and flew down to Mexico again.  I’d probably be down there right now, honestly, but I stopped in San Antonio to spend some time admiring how beautiful the Alamo is this time of year.  Wait, what is that strange man throwing at me?  Some kind of… red and white baseball?”

After that, Ted Cruz’s feed cut out.

Despite objections from some on both sides about his Pokéball policy, President Biden is moving forward with immediate implementation of the sweeping changes, equipping every Border Patrol agent and some police officers named Jenny with a full belt of Pokéballs to be used to contain those that would otherwise be thrown into “migrant facilities”.

Those already in facilities are being given the option to stay in their current lodgings, or move into a Pokéball.  Sources close to the “Eye of Zatara” have revealed, however, that most have chosen to abandon reality for Pokéballs after their TVs that previously played “The Apprentice” on loop have been switched to playing The CW’s “Batwoman” instead.

[SATIRE] Biden to Keep “Space Force”, Also Announces “MySpace Force” to Guard Americans Against “AOL Chat Rooms”

[February 23, 2020]

Washington, D.C. – In an unexpected announcement, U.S. President Joe Biden revealed in a press conference this morning that not only will he be continuing to add the “Space Force” to the U.S. armed forces, as initiated by the Trump administration, but will also be adding another new military branch known as the “MySpace Force”, in order to combat “misinformation” and “foreign government interference” targeting the population through “hip, new” social media outlets like “MySpace” and “AOL chat rooms”.

“In the digital age, we have to fight our enemies on the field of technology.” the President explained, while clearly reading what he was saying off of notes scribbled on the inside of his right hand with blue pen.  “And so, to prevent foreign… wait, what does that say?  Horse?  Worse?”

“That’s ‘Wars’…” the Vice President leaned in and whispered into the 46th President’s ear.

“Bratwurst?  No, thank you, I’m not hungry.” Biden continued, now abandoning his script entirely.  “Ok, listen, People, we  gotta band together to protect our folks in the red, white, and blue from Commie bullies using Yahoo! search engines and LiveJournals to target our kids.  To that end, the MySpace Force will be established to train digital soldiers to fight… What was I saying again?  Where am I?  Wait, no, get away, Kamala, I remember.  To fight the wars of the future on popular social media platforms like Myface, Spacebook, YouChat, and SnapTube.  It’s for the children, gosh darn it!

While most reporters simply bowed at the President’s feet in awe in response to his historic announcement, one asking him what flavor of ice cream he thinks will be the favorite of soldiers in the MySpace Force, intern reporter Michael Hamden, Jr. from CBC News was not so elated.

“Wait, is this in addition to the ‘Voltron Force’ you said would be joining the Space Force last week?” Hamden Jr. asked, as the the President leaned down to respectfully sniff the hair of each reporter gathered at his feet one at a time.  “The one that you said would be building ‘multi-colored lion-shaped robots’ that can combine together to form ‘Voltron, Defender of the Universe’ and fight Russians with its ‘Lion Torches’ and ‘Blazing Sword’?  Also, isn’t that all from a cartoon from the 80’s?”

“Clearly, the President was joking about the Voltron Force…” Vice President Harris replied, stepping quickly up to the press conference podium to glare down the inexperienced CBC News reporter.

“Wait, I said that?” Biden chimed in unexpectedly.  “That sounds like a great idea!  Let’s do that instead, Kamala!”

“No, Joe, you don’t mean that…” the Vice President placed a firm hand on the President’s shoulder, increasing the pressure with a smile.

“Ow, not again!  My leg!  You’re breaking my leg!” Biden shouted, while flailing his arms frantically.  “Somebody, call Corn Pop!  I need back-up!”

“What the President means is that in addition to fixing the ‘Space Force’ debacle left to us by the criminal administration that preceded us,” the Vice President spoke to Hamden, Jr. calmly, but in a tone that scared him to the very core of his being, “We will also be investigating social media’s influence on our elections, especially as used by foreign powers to brainwash potential voters into believing things about our candidates and elections that are simply not true.  That is what the President means by a ‘MySpace Force’, as he calls it.  What quaint euphemisms he speaks in, doesn’t he?  We are not, of course, making this a branch of the armed forces.  That would be silly.”

“…we’re not?” the Vice President asked, trying unsuccessfully to sniff the Vice President’s hair while being held by her grip on his shoulder.

“No.”

As talking heads on American news networks fiercely debated the idea of adding a “MySpace Force” to the armed services, or to the U.S. government in general, former U.S. President Donald Trump announced he would be adding a “Space Force”, a “MySpace Force”, AND a “Voltron Force” to the military of the country of Vanuatu, which he is now the allegedly elected leader of.

“Joe wants to do good things for the country.  I could believe that.  But his Vice President won’t let him.  So sad.” Donald Trump explained to SLNC News’ chief reporter, Timothy Gibbings, a few hours ago from Vanuatu’s capital of Port Vila.  “But I’m President of Vanuatu now, and we’re going to ‘Make Oceania Great Again.’  How can we make Oceania great again?  By controlling space, controlling social media, and also by creating lion-shaped robots to guard our wonderful Vanuatu oceans from liberals and terrorists – which are the same thing, by the way – in fact, it was just this morning that I was talking to the former President of Vanuatu before me who is now my butler, and I said ‘Moses, how can we make the world a safer place?’  And after crying about losing to me ‘unconstitutionally’ in an ‘election that didn’t happen’, he said something about hoping I was eaten by wild animals, and it hit me… we won’t just make lion robots to guard the oceans around Vanuatu – we’ll make tiger robots, too!  Everyone knows that tigers can beat lions in a fight, hands down.  They’re winners.  Like me.  Our lion and tiger robots will be better than anything that any President of Vanuatu OR the United States has made before me.  I guarantee it.”

President Biden was scheduled to appear in a follow-up press conference on the ‘MySpace Force” later this evening, but it has been postponed indefinitely due to the President being “all tied up today”.  Some visitors to the White House around this time reported hearing “Let me out, Kamala!” ringing through the halls near the residence portion of the mansion, but their Twitter accounts were banned when they tried to post about it.