![[SATIRE] Justice League Recommends Superheroes “Double Mask” to Better Protect Their Secret Identities](http://eyeofzatara.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/02/20210224192440.jpg)
[February 24, 2021]
Hall of Justice, Washington, D.C. – The superhero organization, Justice League of America, consisting of legendary stalwart defenders of the world such as Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman, has issued new recommendations to ground level superheroes on the streets of America and beyond – specifically, that when going into action, they “double mask” to better protect their secret identities from supervillains trying to rip off their capes and cowls to find out who they are.
“We’ve lost some good heroes lately…” Batman recounted to reporters gathered at the small Justice League press conference on their new “double mask” initiative. “Just last month, the Joker ripped Nightwing’s mask right off his face, snapped a picture of him with a cell phone, and posted it right to Instagram before anyone could stop him. If only he’d listened to me about wearing a second mask… he’d still be out there passive aggressively fighting crime alongside me sometimes.”
“I didn’t realize it when I went on the prowl, but one of the strings on my mask was a little frayed.” The Green Arrow explained, in a social media post supporting the new double mask recommendation, “There I was, fighting my archnemesis, Zach Snyder, (“The Director”), when there’s this… strong breeze out of nowhere, and my mask goes flying across the street into a subway entrance. Good thing I’m CW version Green Arrow, and all of my friends and enemies already know my secret identity anyway.”
“Yeah, I don’t know about this whole double mask thing, guys.” the Flash chimed in, while trying to clean some blood off the side of his trademark red and yellow costume. “I mean, I rush around town at approximately 90-150 miles per hour, and it’s hard enough to see through this mask/hood thing I’ve got going on at that speed. I tried wearing a second mask the other day while cruisin’ around town on patrol, and… I kind of… crashed into a bunch of things. A BUNCH of things. I think I may have killed a man…”
“Come on, it’s not that hard to see in two masks.” Superman replied, having overheard Flash’s remarks with his super hearing and flown over to join the conversation faster than a speeding bullet.
“Says the guy who doesn’t wear any masks.” the Flash rolled his eyes.
“I am confused. I don’t wear a ‘mask’, per se. Should I wear a double tiara instead?” Wonder Woman chimed in, having made herself invisible to eavesdrop on the conversation, since making things invisible is apparently now one of her powers. “I’m certainly not wearing a regular mask combined with my tiara. I can’t breathe in those things.”
Despite some strong objections to the new policy, many superheroes affiliated with the Justice League have begun alterations to their costume to comply with the new “double mask” recommendation. Others have begun testing a new “secret identity vaccine” that injects some of the Martian Manhunter’s shapeshifting cells into the face of a superhero to let them temporarily alter their appearance in the event that their mask is removed.
Few, however, have noted the strange hand of a powerful cosmic entity who calls himself “Dr. Forcey” in the creation of these new recommendations, one whose relentlessly controlling grip on the superhero industry is not to be trifled with by mortal men, and whose intellect surpasses all imagination. He can do no wrong. His superpower? “Fact-checking” those who oppose his recommendations on social media, making them appear like crackpot lunatics, ostracizing them from all public discourse until they are completely ignored by society, shunned and abandoned even by the heroes and institutions created to protect them. This is all for their own good, however, we have been assured.
Of the major Justice League of America superheroes, only Aquaman was unavailable for comment at this time on the new “double mask” initiative. It is rumored this is because he is in an inpatient alcohol abuse rehabilitation center, after becoming addicted while trying to be “edgy”, a consequence of his addition to the DC Extended Universe movies. Green Lantern was, however, available for comment, but would only say to one lone reporter, “No, I ain’t having any part of this mess. You all figure it out. It’s way too stupid on both sides right now.” Supergirl and Hawkgirl agreed.