[REVIEW] “Ghostbusters: Afterlife” (2020) – The Newcomer

Written by: “The Watchman”

This is the review that I’m sure you came here to read. How does the new “Ghostbusters” outing from 2020 compare to the original two movies that it is trying to add on to? I was skeptical going into this movie, because I had heard very mixed reviews about it. The general consensus seemed to be “It’s above average, but they tried really hard, so go and watch it for that reason.” If the movie was only that good, I would have accepted it, but still been a little disappointed after watching the first two back-to-back before it. Let me tell you a little secret, though. The movie is much better than that. I loved it!

“Ghostbusters: Afterlife” has a very different feel than the original two “Ghostbusters” movies. This takes a little getting used to. It’s directed by the son of the director of the original movie, and has a little bit different aura about it. It was quite a while into the movie before I came to a conclusion about how I felt about it. There was even a point in the middle where I missed the energy of the first two movies, but that feeling would pass as I drew closer to the ending.

One notable reviewer I trust found the movie to be too full of “member berries”, callbacks to previous movies in the franchise, but I never found that to be the case. The movie has a lot of callbacks to Ghostbusters I because it has some of the same antagonists as that movie, and, in many ways, continues the plot of the original “Ghostbusters” more than it does “Ghostbusters II”. Taking that into account, I never found its use of “member berries” to be excessive, and I usually smiled at the callbacks the movie included, especially since they were all so fresh in my mind from the last twenty-four hours of my weekend.

Overall, the movie is fun, and the characters, while different and new, are very likeable. At first glance, the protagonist, Phoebe, is usually exactly the kind of modern-day movie hero that I hate – a know-it-all girl that seems to be able to do anything without help… except that’s not who Phoebe is at all! She has a lot of trouble socializing and fitting in even with her own family, and seems to lack a clear idea of who she is, and what she even wants to do with her life, compensating for this with her incredible knowledge and analytical skills. Honestly, coming straight off Ghostbusters I and II, I simply nodded every time she did something strange, saying to myself, “Yep, that’s exactly how Egon would have been as a kid.” All this when combined with the talent of the actress, McKenna Grace, made me really like Phoebe and never once question her as the movie’s protagonist.

I liked her friends and family, as well, especially Paul Rudd’s character, not really finding any of them annoying (to my surprise), although I think I liked Phoebe’s brother the least out of the main cast of characters. Either him, or his love interest. It’s hard to decide, as both were a bit bland, but still acceptable.

Now let’s talk about the best part of the movie. Without getting too much more into the plot, I just have to say that the ending of the movie was so genuinely emotional that I actually shed a few tears, which is immensely rare for me. It felt both powerful and satisfying, making all the awkwardness and insecurity of the lead-up to the end absolutely 100% worth it.

While it’s a little slow coming, “Ghostbusters: Afterlife” ends as a truly successful “Ghostbusters” reboot/sequel, one which in no way violates the canon of the original two movies, but, instead, adds much to it, and extends the time period of the original “Ghostbusters” movies to the present in a way that feels very much like a single, coherent cycle, and not just an unneeded tacked-on addition as so many reboot/sequels do these days. Making the ending even better are the two “After Credits” scenes, which are both fabulous.

Unlike “Ghostbusters I”, which I already owned, and “Ghostbusters II”, which I rented for $4, I had to actually buy “Ghostbusters: Afterlife” to watch it, and I feel every dollar was worth it to support an interesting, thoughtful, and truly fan-honoring conclusion to such a beloved science fiction trilogy, one which was arguably spit on by the recent ‘Ghostbusters: Answer the Call” “reboot” and really needed a win to redeem its good name.

While not a perfect movie by any measure, nor comparatively as good even as “Ghostbusters II” (although close), “Ghostbusters: Afterlife” definitely succeeds as a win for the franchise, albeit in a way that has its own unique feel that no other “Ghostbusters” movie has quite come close to capturing. It’s not as fast or as flashy or as funny as the original two movies, but it certainly has the same heart as them, and, in the end, I think that’s all that really matters.

Final Score: 8/10

“A satisfying, fan-honoring sequel to the beloved ‘Ghostbusters’ science fiction trilogy, one which has its own unique story to tell, and a new style to match, but which every true lover of the original movies will be hard-pressed not to be brought to tears by as it turns the original films into a complete and coherent trilogy.”

What’s next? “Who you gonna call?”

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GHOSTBUSTERS

GHOSTBUSTERS II

[REVIEW] “Ghostbusters II” (1989) – The Sequel

By: “The Watchman”

I don’t think I have ever seen “Ghostbusters II”. I had heard that it wasn’t as good as the original, and was never inclined to watch it for that reason. Watching it back-to-back with the original movie, I must say that it was, however, a very good sequel, and one that I thoroughly enjoyed.

No, it is not as good as the original, but is that a fair comparison? How many movies are? It continued with the characters and concepts of 1984’s original “Ghostbusters” in a fun and believable direction that always left me wondering what would happen next. It was funny, too. It made me genuinely laugh out loud, which is very hard to do, proving the cleverness and quality of writing that Aykroyd and Ramis employed while trying to reach the bar of their original movie.

Is this Vigo character and his strange foreign henchman as intimidating as the hell hounds and glowing temple of Gozer the Gozerian from Ghostbusters I? No, not quite, but the… instrument… that the Ghostbusters used to help them reach Vigo in the final act made me genuinely smile with delight.

Seeing the interactions between Bill Murray’s character (Peter Venkman) and Sigourney Weaver’s character (Dana Barrett) once again, I was surprised by how much the addition of a baby added to the novelty of their strange “Will they? Won’t they?” romance. I also liked the addition of Rick Moranis’ character as a compliment to the Ghostbusters’ business, albeit still in the comic relief role we saw him fill from the first movie. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he put a giant “Dark Helmet” on his head, and started rambling about someone named “Lone Starr”. (Go watch “Spaceballs” if you don’t get that one. Another classic.)

As I said before, it’s true that “Ghostbusters II” is not as good as the original 1984 entry, but I’ve come to believe that focusing on that point is a red herring argument. “Ghostbusters II” is a very good movie that is worth watching. There are no qualifications that need to be added to the end of that sentence. Any franchise would be lucky to have a sequel of this quality, especially considering the kind of awkward place that Ghostbusters I ended, storywise, creating a difficult starting point for this sequel to work from.

All the main characters from the original movie are in this one, and are acting in character for themselves, although I guess you could also say that none of them really grew as a result of the first movie in a way that changed their characters all that much, if you really want to find something negative to say about this movie. That, and it is also a little hard to believe that all of New York simply forgot about ghosts after the events of the first movie and ruled the Ghostbusters off as charlatans, but the movie still manages to make it more or less believable.

Beyond all that, I really have nothing bad to say about this movie. It’s a solid 8.5/10.

Final Score: 8.5/10

“A solid sequel that brings us back to the world of the original ‘Ghostbusters’ in a way that feels exciting and interesting. All the characters you loved are back and ready to make you laugh out loud again, albeit one or two less times.”

What’s next? “Who you gonna call?”

BACK TO “THE EYE OF ZATARA”

GHOSTBUSTERS

GHOSTBUSTERS: AFTERLIFE

[REVIEW] “Ghostbusters” (1984) – The Original

By: “The Watchman”

I’d forgotten how good the original Ghostbusters is. Or, rather, I don’t think I’ve ever really noticed. Not having gotten into Ghostbusters much as a kid (it released a year before I was born), it was just this weekend when I sat down with a critical eye to watch it that I realized just how perfectly crafted and clever it is.

The pacing is excellent. The jokes are funny. The characters are all memorable, while being very distinct from one another. Even the special effects don’t look too bad after all these years. I almost wish I had realized sooner how wonderful a movie this is, except that it would have taken from the joy I felt this weekend watching it for, what felt like, the first time.

The movie was genuinely funny. Several times, I repeated scenes to watch them again, especially the final scene in the mayor’s office, because they made me laugh and I wanted to go over them one more time before continuing the movie. Every scene has a point, and every plot point has a purpose. It laid the groundwork for an excellent science fiction universe.

While, admittedly, it didn’t easily lend itself to sequels, as the cast and crew had no idea, at the time they were making it, that the show would be such a standalone hit, it still has a lot of interesting ideas that I wanted to see more of after the movie ended. Hence, my continuation to the next entries in the trilogy.

Bill Murray really steals the show in many of the scenes. While Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis are excellent (and wrote the script), Bill Murray’s charisma shines brightly throughout its most memorable moments, and his interactions with Sigourney Weaver were both genuinely engaging and also quite a bit odd. Rick Moranis’ character was a bit strange, but never really bothered me. Somehow, he always stayed believable, even while the unbelievable happened all around him.

I could continue rambling on about this movie for a while, but that would miss the point of a comparative three part review! I’ll just go ahead and grade this movie with the incredible 9.5/10 that it deserves, and let you go on to the next movies in sequence, now that the benchmark has been set by this irreplaceable piece of science fiction history. Let’s see how well the next two movies in the universe hold up to the original.

Final Score: 9.5/10

“Perfect in nearly every way, this movie’s greatest fault is making it difficult for writers to expand upon the narrative of its universe, and even more difficult for them to try to surpass it.”

What’s next? “Who you gonna call?”

BACK TO “THE EYE OF ZATARA”

GHOSTBUSTERS II

GHOSTBUSTERS: AFTERLIFE

[REVIEW] GHOSTBUSTERS COMPARATIVE REVIEW – “Ghostbusters”, “Ghostbusters II”, “Ghostbusters: Afterlife”

By: “The Watchman”

I had heard mixed things about “Ghostbusters: Afterlife”, the latest in the “Ghostbusters” franchise, so I took some time this weekend to watch the entire canonical trilogy of “Ghostbusters” movies – the original, the sequel, and “Afterlife” to see what they were like and how they fit together. I have never seen “Ghostbusters II” or “Afterlife” before, and it’s been a while since I’ve seen the original. I’ve never been a huge “Ghostbusters” fan, but, after watching the whole trilogy back-to-back, I have to say that might have changed…

I’ve written a comparative review of each of the three “Ghostbusters” movies, reviewing them both individually and, also, how they fit into the greater whole. These will be mostly spoiler free reviews, as is always the case when I review a movie.

Go ahead. “Choose the form of the Destructor”:

“GHOSTBUSTERS” (1984) – THE ORIGINAL

“GHOSTBUSTERS II” (1989) – THE SEQUEL

“GHOSTBUSTERS: AFTERLIFE” (2020) – THE NEWCOMER

[REVIEW] “Spider-Man: No Way Home”

By: “The Watchman”

In an infinite multiverse where all things that can happen, do happen, what are the odds that “Spiderman: No Way Home” can live up to the hype? How can a single Spiderman movie possibly hold up to the heavy expectations laid upon it by Marvel fans? If Doctor Strange looked into 14,000,605 possible outcomes for this movie with the Time Stone, only one would be truly satisfying. Fortunately, we live in the universe with that one. “Spiderman: No Way Home” is great!

[MOSTLY SPOILER FREE REVIEW]

Following the cliffhanger ending of the last Tom Holland Spiderman movie in which Mysterio reveals the identity of Spiderman to the entire world, Peter Parker finds it difficult to live a normal life and seeks the help of Doctor Strange to set things right. This ultimately leads to a break in the multiverse itself, causing Spiderman villains from the other Sony Spiderman movieverses to slip into Tom Holland’s reality and attack him. Doctor Octopus from Tobey McGuire’s Spiderman 2 is the first to appear, leading to a chaotic romp throughout the now multiversally-mingled MCU that only further complicates Peter’s already very complicated life as a publically-identified superhero.

Not only does this movie feature multiple villains from previous Spiderman movies, the original actors themselves returning to play many of the parts, but it features the usual cast of characters from the Tom Holland MCU Spiderverse including his best friend Ned, his girlfriend M.J., and other MCU staples like Doctor Strange. The movie is a wonderful mix of intriguing life dilemma and intense super-powered action, a train ride of excellence that never stops all the way until the final moments of the movie, throwing out constant surprises to delight the geeky Spiderman fan in your life mixed with an ample dose of true human courage and heart.

The theme of your actions having consequences is played very heavily in this movie, and it is handled in a very adult and mature way. Not everything has a happy ending. Sometimes things go bad no matter how much you want them to go right, and no matter how honest and true your intentions were at the start. None the less, “With great power, comes great responsibility.” as Uncle Ben’s memory always reminds us, and Tom Holland’s Spiderman is now powerful enough to have to take responsibility for his actions as a superhero, even with the entire world breathing down his neck and criticizing him every step of the way.

It’s hard to talk too much about this movie without giving out significant spoilers, so, let me just say, there are some incredibly awesome things that happen in this movie that I don’t want to spoil for you. You definitely need to see this one for yourself, if you have watched any Spiderman movies in the last decade, and especially if you have seen the last MCU Spiderman movie, “Far from Home”. Watching Tom Holland’s Spiderman fight old fan-favorite villains like Alfred Molina’s vicious Doctor Octopus from Spiderman 2 is genuinely enjoyable, made more complicated by the Daily Bugle videotaping everything Spiderman does in another version of J. Jonah Jameson’s familiar crusade against masked vigilantes.

In the end, “Spiderman: No Way Home” is a lesson about choice and responsibility, and about what it means to be a hero in a world where doing the right thing can be very costly and difficult. While choosing to be fun and light-hearted whenever possible in true Marvel style, it still refuses to shy away from tough issues – it refuses to sunshine over every frowny face in the world with a spray paint can of distracting action and humor. No, in true comic book hero fashion, the movie courageously battles these issues directly, fighting them like Spiderman does his own menagerie of villains. What conclusion does Tom Holland’s Spiderman come to at the end of all of this, shall we say, multiversal madness? Well, I’m afraid you’ll have to watch the movie for yourself to find that out! (This is a mostly spoiler free review, after all!) I HIGHLY recommend you see it at your next opportunity if movies like this are even REMOTELY on your radar. And, if you’ve only seen it once, I’d even recommend you see it again, or buy the DVD and watch it. The movie really is just that good.

Final score for “Spiderman: No Way Home” is a very impressive 9/10, one short web swing away from total perfection, a very successful attempt at creating a thoroughly enjoyable outing for our friendly neighborhood Spiderman.

Final Score: 9/10
“One of the best MCU movies to date, filled with nostalgia for returning Spiderman fans, and enough true, unfiltered character and heart to make forever Spiderman fans out of everyone else. Listen to your friends who have seen it! Don’t miss out on this one!!!”

[SATIRE] “The Eye of Zatara” Reviews – THE MATRIX: RESURRECTIONS — The “Real” Review (Blue Pill)

Review By: “The Gatekeeper”

“The Matrix: Resurrections” is the most interesting movie I have ever seen about Microsoft Excel, and the only movie about Microsoft Excel that, to my knowledge, stars Keanu Reeves. Apparently the sequel to another trilogy of movies that I haven’t seen, “The Matrix: Resurrections” is the story about a homeless man named “Neato” who wanders into some kind of modern day technology firm and begins working on an Excel matrix there until it seems to take over his life, and even cause him to seek after some other homeless-looking lady named “Serenity” which I think is from that show, Firefly, but I can’t say for certain, because I also haven’t seen that.

Apparently, in a previous “Matrix” movie, a younger looking dude that looks nothing like today’s Keanu Reeves hooked up with Serenity in some kind of green-looking city that kind of hurt my eyes to see flashbacks of. Then, John Smith, the guy who married Pocahontas if I remember third grade history class correctly, tried to kill this younger Keanu Reeves person for some reason, but Keanu stopped them using the power of his X-Box One, hereafter just referred to as his “The One”, possibly by hacking their Excel matrix. (Honestly, I didn’t even know Microsoft Excel could run on an X-Box, but I guess that’s what made him such a cool hacker in the previous films. Who knew?)

There is a lot of shooting things in this movie. Like, a lot, a lot. And, sometimes, when he’s being shot at, Neato (Keanu Reeves)’s internet connection to the Excel matrix seems to lag up, as the bullets stop hitting him and everything kind of moves slow for a while. Honestly, it’s kind of like playing Overwatch. I think he said his internet service provider was “Bullet Time”, which I have never heard of, so no wonder he has such poor connection speeds. Also, based on his scruffy hair and beard, I am still assuming that Neato is homeless, so he probably doesn’t have any money to upgrade his internet connection with, either.

At the end of the movie, something happens, but I can’t tell you what that something is because I kind of fell asleep playing “Pokemon: Shining Diamond” while watching the movie, and had a weird mixed dream about the two where Keanu Reeves was telling me about the legend of Dialga, and I woke up screaming “Use the Master Ball!” right as “Resurrections” started its end credits. So, since I did not see the ending of the movie, I will now make one up, and will sternly judge the movie based upon the merits of the ending that I happened to think of as the first thing on the top of my head after watching it.

So, Neato and Serenity ultimately get cornered by the villain of this movie, Orville Redenbacher, who attempts to trade them popcorn in exchange for helping him record his business expenses on Neato’s latest Excel matrix. Neato refuses, however, and calls a fleet of those Imperial Star Destroyers with Death Star lasers on them from the last horrible Star Wars movie and blasts Orville Redenbacher into non-existence along with half of the greater Seattle area. (I’m just kind of assuming they all live in Seattle.) Then, Neato and Serenity move to Cleveland to open a general goods store, and live happily ever after, until the sequel where they’re recruited by Nick Fury to fight Thanos’ evil little brother, Kyle, who has seven Infinity Stones now, one more than his older brother because he’s more evil. The End.

Overall, I would recommend “The Matrix Resurrections” to anyone looking to get a good night’s sleep, to anyone who is a fan of Microsoft Excel, or to anyone who has seen either “Firefly” or the original “Matrix” movies. I would think that having any idea who Neato and Serenity are instead of just imagining it in their heads will get a lot more enjoyment out of this movie than I did. I would like to warn anyone watching this movie, however, that the ending is kind of bad. Like the Orvile Redenbacher thing makes no sense, and seems completely thrown it there at random, and the Imperial Star Destroyers blowing up the city around Neato and Serenity seemed really contrived. Overall, I’d give the movie a 7 out of 5, which is an improper fraction, a testament to the improper way I felt this movie treated its source material, if it has any, as I do not know – I have never seen any of the other “Matrix” movies.

There you go. Final score, 7/5. I will now return to playing Pokémon and/or napping until my next review. Don’t wake me until then. (Unless you want to trade Pokémon.)

~The Gatekeeper

(Click here to see The Watchman’s review now.)

[REVIEW] “The Eye of Zatara” Reviews – THE MATRIX: RESURRECTIONS — The Normal Review (Red Pill)

Review By: “The Watchman”

“The Matrix: Resurrections” is a genuine, thoughtful attempt to reboot “The Matrix” trilogy in a way that doesn’t feel like simply another tired rehash of a once interesting story for a quick corporate payout like we see so often today in creatively bankrupt Hollywood. This is quite a monumental task when faced with the challenge of adding on to a trilogy with as much history and love as “The Matrix”, but, for the most part, I’d say the writer’s attempt at creating something interesting and new is successful. “The Matrix: Resurrections” is in no way on the same level as the original “The Matrix” movie, but I’m not sure that it even intends to be. The writers of “Resurrections” seemed to be genuinely concerned about the effect of adding on to the closed loop of their original trilogy. They tried their best to capture as much of the original magic of the first three films as they could, but also made sure to tell a new story that stands soundly on its own merits, not as a faded Xerox copy of the original movies, but as something unique and new, albeit something which is more than a little bit flawed at times.

After finishing “The Matrix: Resurrections”, I have to say, overall, that some of my least favorite parts of the entire movie were the times they seemed to be trying too hard to callback characters and scenes from the original Matrix movies (including the first 20 minutes which felt very rough), whereas I thoroughly enjoyed a lot of the new characters and concepts introduced in their place, with the antagonist of the movie being one of my all-time favorites in the entire film (behind Keanu Reeves, of course).

Like the original “Matrix”, the film does its best to keep you guessing for a while about the nature of what is really going on in the film – what is real and what is not – and how can you even know? What is the difference between facts and fiction, where is in the line between them? Are memories facts or fiction? Can they be both? What really happened in the span of time between “Revolutions” and “Resurrections”? Did the events of the original three movies as we know them even happen at all?

Even once things begin to gain a certain degree of clarity, I found it hard to ever figure out what was going to happen next in the movie, or even how major scenes were going to play out. For 2 1/2 hours, the film had my full attention, as I genuinely watched each and every minute to see how the story would go, wanting more and more to see the unpredictable ending that it was building up to. (I say this, but my mind may have honestly drifted a little during the action sequences, although I’m not the biggest action guy, so that’s not saying much. Still, even to me, they did seem like a notch down from the action in the original Matrix. How can action scenes be both over-the-top, yet also bland? Some of the action scenes in this movie were exactly that. Sorry, action lovers.)

Like with the original “Matrix”, I feel compelled to watch the movie again in order to really understand it. Will it grow on me with each successive view like the original? Or will it lose its luster over time like with “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”? Can the interesting premise started in this new (possibly?) trilogy of movies be continued with the same originality and sparkle as “Resurrections”, or is this the Star Wars sequel trilogy all over again? Only time will tell. For the moment, I cannot be certain.

What I can say is, as a fan of the original “Matrix” trilogy, I found this movie genuinely enjoyable and will likely watch it again before it leaves HBO Max. If you liked the original movies, I would highly recommend that you give it a try, especially if you have HBO Max. Make sure you are willing to watch at least 30 minutes of it, however, as I feel like the first few scenes of “Resurrections” are some of the weakest in the entire film and are very lacking in any emotional value until you’ve gotten later into the movie and know the characters shown in those scenes. Once you see Neo again, however… I dare you to give up and walk away without a fight. Overall, this movie isn’t “The One” like the first “Matrix”, but it is, at the very least, a Decent One.

Overall Score: 7.5/10

~The Watchman

(Click here to see The Gatekeeper’s review.)

[REVIEW/SATIRE] “The Eye of Zatara” Reviews – THE MATRIX: RESURRECTIONS [Real Reviews by Real Weirdos]

[Original Post: Wednesday, December 22, 2021]

Hello, Everyone, and greetings from the only sane member of the “Eye of Zatara” crew, “The Watchman”!

The latest Matrix film, “The Matrix Resurrections”, dropped on HBO Max earlier today, so I sat down with our usual writer, “The Gatekeeper”, so we could share our thoughts and opinions on the new film with you. (Yes, for real. This is not satire.) Below you will find two very different reviews for the movie:

(1) My completely normal, genuine, honest, and thought-provoking review, spoiler free. I know. Real content on here. Strange, right?

(2) The Gatekeeper’s usual incoherent nonsense woven loosely together into a strange mind-rotting review that is as much insane as it is insightful. Read this one at your own risk. It’s much more in line with our usual content.

Make your choice below:


Click this red link, and I, The Watchman, will tell you the truth about “The Matrix Resurrections” without ridiculous over-the-top satire.

OR:

Click this blue link, and The Gatekeeper will ramble on about strange things that don’t really make sense to anyone but himself, but which could be considered funny maybe? Maybe? I don’t know. I’m just the editor here.

Red or blue?

Fantasy or truth?

Both options are available. Which will you choose?

[SATIRE] The “Eye of Zatara” Investigates – MEN IN GREEN

[Original Article: Monday, October 4th, 2021]

“You may have heard the rumors about the men in nice suits that show up whenever you see something that… shouldn’t quite exist in our world. The hushed whispers of secret government cover-ups, inhuman infiltrators of our society, and magic-like occurrences that defy modern civilization and its technology. Heck, you may have even seen a movie about these, so-called, “Men in Green”. Well, I am here to tell you that they are very real.

It was a rainy St. Patrick’s Day in the town of Meadup, Louisiana. The precipitation had finally let up, and a rainbow could be seen leading just over a nearby hill to something I could not quite make out. I had taken the week off work to celebrate my wife’s birthday with a cruise we were leaving for tomorrow, so I had the leisure to walk a few minutes forward until I could try to see what was at the end of the little rainbow by my house. That’s when I saw it.

They call them “UPGO”, or “Unidentified Pot of Gold Objects”, small black kettles of otherworldly locomotion that float impossibly above the ground while surrounded in an array of otherworldly lights, all centered around the end of a rainbow, as if the bridge of many colors led, at its far point, to another world beyond imagining, one which I was not supposed to be aware of. A shadowy figure emerged from within the golden metallic coins that littered the top of the floating kettle, a small green-clothed humanoid with a ragged hairy red beard and a hat with a four leaf clover on it. I had seen an honest-to-goodness “little green man”. The minute it saw me, it disappeared. Down into the end of the rainbow in a flash of light with the rainbow disappearing a few short seconds behind it, and I thought that would be the end of my story. Until the next day, when the men in nice suits showed up.

I was almost finished packing for the cruise when I heard a knock at the front door a few rooms away. Tossing another polo shirt into my suitcase, I then hurried over to my home’s threshold and opened the door to be greeted by a suspiciously serious looking middle-aged man in a green suit and tie, along with another man that looked a lot like Will Smith. They flashed some kind of ID in my face, something strange that looked like they had gotten it from the bottom of a cereal box, and started asking me about hearts, stars, horseshoes, clovers, and blue moons. I told them I knew nothing of these things, but had seen a strange pot of gold at the end of a rainbow in my front yard yesterday. They frowned.

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to step outside.” the more serious-looking man said in a somber tone, taking… something… out of his jacket. The strange cylindrical device looked like one of those pens from grade school that could write in any color depending on which button on the top of the pen you pushed first. But on the top of the thick, pen-like machine was what was clearly some kind of plain brown potato. I was more than a little confused.

“Look into the potato please, Sir.” the man said very seriously, while his assistant mumbled something under his breath about making pancakes for Shrek. I refused. Why would I stare at a stupid potato, and what did this have to do with the UPGO I saw the day before?

“We’re from the government, and I need you to look into this potato.” the man said more seriously, reaching for something else inside his emerald suit coat… possibly a weapon? His partner reached for a weapon as well, while whispering to me something about finally being able to make up for “After Earth”. At this point, I’d had enough. I slammed my front door in the face of these strange “Men in Green” and looked for my cell phone to contact the police when, suddenly, some kind of talking dog, a pug, was in my house in front of me, holding the same “potato pen” device as the others. I saw the strange sight for only a moment before a bright emerald light filled my eyes and I woke in my bedroom, laying on the bed beside my still only half-packed suitcase, having apparently fallen asleep while preparing for my cruise.

I sighed with relief, happy the strange series of events had turned out to merely be the musings of my resting mind. Then, I heard it. The sound of… something… perched on the open sill of my nearby bedroom window.

“If you thought that was bad,” a multi-colored toucan carrying a box of “Froot Loops” under one arm mused in perfect English. “Just wait ’till you see what agents they send now that you’ve seen me.”

My startled scream could be heard all the way to the other side of another fleeting rainbow in the little town of Meadup, Louisiana.”

***
As per our usual standards, “The Eye of Zatara” confirmed the above account with its usual rigorous filtering process before posting it to this website (AKA we asked our ‘Magic 8 Ball’ if it was true and it said ‘Probably’.)  Stay tuned for more in-depth investigations into the strange and paranormal as “Halloween Month” continues on “The Eye of Zatara”!

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] Donald Trump Boycotts “The Falcon and the Winter Soldier” – Says MCU Should Focus on “Making Captain America Great Again”

(Original Post: March 26, 2021)

Port Vila, Vanuatu – According to an exclusive report obtained by senior investigator for CBC News, Michael Hamden, former U.S. President Donald Trump has officially boycotted the new Disney+ original series, “The Falcon and the Winter Soldier”, claiming Disney should instead focus on “Making Captain America Great Again” by creating a new series starring the MCU’s Captain America, Steve Rogers, as portrayed by actor Chris Evans.

“The Falcon and the Winter Soldier are side characters.  Losers!” Donald Trump explained, while relaxing on the golden throne he built in a mansion in the heart of the small Pacific island nation of Vanuatu, as Hamden interviewed him.  “Disney should focus on winners, like the original Avengers, and especially, my favorite Avenger, Captain America.  You know when I was a kid, I had a solid gold Captain America action figure my parents bought for me?  I used to play with it all day, until a reporter from CNN came over to my house and stole it from me because he hates America.”

“I think we’re getting a little off topic…” Hamden interjected, scratching his head as he tried to make sense of the notes he had written down thus far.

“Yes, of course, like I was saying, the Falcon can fly.  So what?  I have five gold-plated private jets that I can fly in whenever I want.  That doesn’t make me a superhero.  I AM a superhero, but it isn’t only because I can fly.” Donald Trump explained, while eating a Taco Bowl flown over to him from the cafeteria in Trump Tower using one of his aforementioned golden jets, a little cheese spilling from the Taco Bowl on the orange-colored ‘Trump Man’ costume he was wearing.  “And the Winter Soldier?  Some guy with a rough life who fights with a metal arm?  Boo hoo, I had a rough life too! I mean, come on, Superman would have a field day with this joker.  I think even Joe Biden could beat him in a fight, and he lost to Vladimir Putin a few days ago after falling down some stairs again!

“So, you’re boycotting the series?” Mr. Hamden jumped in, trying to keep Donald Trump on topic.  “And I assume you’re encouraging your followers both here and in the United States to do the same?”

“Of course!  Honestly, I had a great Twitter post all planned out to really ‘rally the troops’, so to speak, and put a little fire under the Disney CEO’s feet.  But, then, I remembered that horrible thing that happened when all those Unamerican liberals at Twitter got scared and decided to ban me.” Donald Trump continued, holding out his phone to show the inappropriate Tweet he had all typed out in his Twitter app that refused to post even after multiple presses of the “Submit” button.  “Obviously, Twitter’s in bed with Disney, just like they are with the Dominion voting machines.  So sad!  Just wait until I start my own social media company.  I’d like to see them try to ban me from that!  They can’t – in fact, I’ll ban them!  Twice, even!”

As Donald Trump’s interview with Michael Hamden continued on for… quite some time… after this point, Jeremy Renner, the actor who plays Avengers character “Hawkeye” in the MCU, shared some harsh words of his own about the new Disney+ series in a quick sitdown interview with SLNC News’ Timothy Gibbings in Los Angeles.

“Look, HAWK-Eye.  It’s in my name.  I’m supposed to be the main bird-themed hero in the Marvel Cinematic Universe!” Renner ranted angrily, fiddling dangerously with an actual working longbow in his hand that was aimed just to the left of Timothy Gibbings.  “DC has Hawk-MAN, and Marvel has Hawk-EYE.  I’m Hawk-EYE.  Where’d this Falcon guy even come from?  Some side character from one of the Captain America movies?  I fought in New York against the Chitauri!  I’m one of the original Avengers, for Stark’s sake!  Now he and Bucky have this fancy new series, and no one’s going to even want to watch my MCU show when it comes out!  Hey, it’s… It’s… It’s still coming out, right?  You haven’t heard anything about that, huh?”

“Um…” Timothy Gibbings paused, watching the longbow pointed extremely close to his left side very carefully.  “Everything’s fine as far as I know…”

Even the Atlanta Falcons seemed annoyed at their name being used for an up-and-coming major MCU hero without their team being involved in the show’s production at all.  Teaming up with the same swarm of actual peregrine falcons that went after the Patriots following the Falcons’ overtime loss to them in Super Bowl LI, they attempted to ambush and abduct series stars Anthony Mackie and Sebastian Stan outside a cast party for the show near a busy Los Angeles intersection only to be overpowered by two working Iron Man suits that Elon Mask had gifted the two actors with after the successful reception of their show by general audiences.

“Look, I don’t care what Donald Trump says, I don’t care what Jeremy Renner says, and I sure as heck don’t care what the Atlanta Patriots have to say about anything after losing to Tom Brady in ’17,” Anthony Mackie said in a brief comment to the Associated Press following the mass falcon attack.  “‘The Falcon and the Winter Soldier’ is a good show.  Maybe even a GREAT show.  And while the idea of making ‘Captain America Great Again’ appeals to me, too… I think the idea of making the entire MCU great again, like it was leading up to Endgame, appeals to me even more!”

Sebastian Stan quietly added a final comment.

“Also, Mephisto, the X-Men, and Galactus all show up in the show’s final episode.” Stan revealed, as fanboys across the Internet exploded simultaneously into multi-colored streamers of confetti, joy, and dreams.  “Just kidding!  Or am I?  Watch our show, and see for yourself!”

A final MCU actor, Benedict Cumberbatch, who plays “Doctor Strange” in the Marvel Cinematic Universe was also asked about “The Falcon and the Winter Soldier” and gave an “on the record” comment this afternoon to a small news service.

“I went forward in time to view alternate futures.  To see all possible television shows I could watch in the next six months.  I saw fourteen million, six hundred and five futures.” he explained to Internet news site, NowNews.

“In how many did you NOT watch ‘The Falcon and the Winter Soldier’?” the online reporter asked.

Benedict Cumberbatch smiled.

“None.”

~The Gatekeeper