Tag: Nancy Pelosi

[SATIRE] Donald Trump Elected President of Vanuatu, According to Trump – Vanuatu People Respond “Please Send Help”

[February 15, 2021]

Port Vila, Vanuatu – In what is being described by him as a “landslide” victory, Donald J. Trump, the former 45th President of the United States of America, has apparently been elected the newly seated President of the small pacific island nation of Vanuatu effective immediately, according to Donald Trump himself and no other sources.

“Yeah that thing in the U.S. didn’t go so well.  So sad.  But I’m a winner.” Donald Trump explained to CBC News reporter Michael Hamden, apparently on vacation in the remote island nation when the story broke.  “I won the 2016 U.S. Presidential election.  I won the 2020 U.S. Presidential election.  And now I won the 2021 Vanuatu Presidential election.  Good for Vanuatu!  Now, we can make America great again… but in Vanuatu!”

When asked if he was surprised about the results of the Vanuatu election, sitting Prime Minister of the Parliament in Vanuatu, Bob Loughman, replied, “Very.  We only hold elections for President here in our country every 5 years, and the last President took office in 2017.  Not only that, but Presidents are elected by Parliament and the Presidents of Regional Councils, not by direct ballot of the people.  I’m not sure how Donald Trump got elected exactly.”

Now former Vanuatu President Tallis Obed Moses also weighed in, saying “This is worse than the time that Survivor filmed here.” and “Someone, please send help!”

“That’s fake news!” Donald Trump responded, when asked about the details of the election by CBC News later that day.  “CNN wants you to think there is a sitting President here in Vanuatu that I am ‘overthrowing’ in some kind of ‘insurrection’, but the people of Vanuatu have spoken.  I am their newly elected President, and will be building a golden throne here in the… whatever Vanuatu has for a White House… with which to rule their good people.  Fine people.  The best, in fact.  That’s why they voted for me!”

Correspondents for internet news site “NowNews” reached out for comment to former Vice President of the United States, Mike Pence, who replaced the Welch’s Grape Juice company as second in command of the nation in the first year of #45’s four year term, to which Mr. Pence replied, “By the grace of glorious heaven, what has he done? That man must be stopped!”

Democratic Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, has already announced piles to file… another… impeachment charge against Donald Trump for his actions in Vanuatu, causing her colleagues to explain to the 79 year old Speaker that the Constitution has no provision for “impeaching” the politician of another country, even if they once held citizenship and office in the United States, to which the Madam Speaker replied, “What?  Constitution? What is this, Dungeons and Dragons? I don’t care about Constitution.  This is the rule of law we’re talking about!”

All in all, despite several popular hashtags trending on Twitter such as #freevanuatu, #sendhelp, #comegettrump, and #whereisvanuatu, many of the people of Vanuatu themselves seem to have begrudgingly accepted Trump as their new allegedly-elected President.

“President Trump has promised to film a new season of ‘The Apprentice’ here in Vanuatu, which will create many jobs.  He is also working on building a wall around Vanuatu to protect us from illegal immigrants which he assures us will be coming across… the ocean… to steal our existing jobs any day now.” one citizen explained to CBC News Reporter Michael Hamden later this evening.

U.S. President Joe Biden was asked about the situation in Vanuatu, but appeared not to understand the question.

“I tell you what, when I was growing up, I had a friend from Vanuatu.  Mackey B., we called him.  Now Mackey B. was a cool guy, but you didn’t want to cross him.  He would fight… errr… I would… well… One time, he fought for me against some bullies, but those bullies followed him back to his house and stood around outside waving sticks and rattling the fences saying ‘Come on out, Mackey B.  We’re going to get you.’  But back then, you see… we had these cars called Cadillacs and I had one of those, a nice one!”

President Biden’s answer to the question apparently continued on from this point, but no reporter was able to stand waiting in the room long enough to hear the rest of the gibberish.

[SATIRE] Obama Admits to Wiretapping Trump Tower, But Only to Record Inbound Prank Calls to Trump

(Original Post: March 6, 2017)

Washington, D.C. – Capitol Hill is in a stir today as seemingly unsubstantiated claims by President Trump over the weekend that Trump Tower had been wiretapped by agents in the Obama administration during his run for Presidency have apparently been confirmed by former President Obama, but with a strange caveat.  Apparently, the only calls wiretapped from Trump Tower were inbound prank calls made by Obama officials to Donald Trump they wanted to “post to YouTube someday” because “[they’re] freaking hilarious”.

“Yeah, we’re sorry about not getting a warrant or anything, but, Man, once you hear the prank calls, you’re going to be laughing so much, you aren’t even going to care!” President Obama explained to veteran CBC News reporter, Michael Hamden, in a quick interview at Martha’s Vineyard yesterday.  “Me and Joe were rolling on the floor laughing so loud the Secret Service rushed in, thinking we’d been attacked or something.  Sorry, agents Jackson and Carlisle, even the Leader of the Free World can’t always stop the funny from spilling out.”

While sources close to Donald Trump were apparently very skeptical of the Obama administration’s admissions, at first, continuing to stick by their unprecedented claim that all calls to and from Trump Tower had been wiretapped by President Obama, not just those related to prank calls (despite failing to offer even a single shred of hard evidence to support their assertion), Vice President Joe Biden has apparently stepped in to defend President Obama’s claims, leaking several of the former Commander-in-Chief’s wiretapped calls to the SLNC News Network, which aired them this morning during their 6 am news program, “Silence and Friends”.  Since then, transcripted copies of the calls have been provided to a variety of media sources, including “The Eye of Zatara”.  Several of the transcripted calls are included, word for word, below:

(October 10th)
[OBAMA]: “Hey, is this Trump Tower?”
[TRUMP]: “Um, yeah, this is Donald Trump.  Can I help you with something?  Chop, chop, I’m in a hurry today.  Lots of things to do in my pink work bathrobe, you know.”
[OBAMA]: [Laughing in the Background.] Yeah, this is, um… Brett O’Connor from the EPA.  We just wanna see if your refrigerators are running there in Trump Tower?”
[TRUMP]: “What?  Are you serious?  Of course they are.  How else would we make the best taco bowls, like we do at Trump Tower Grill?”
[OBAMA]: [More Laughing in the Background.] (Whispered) “Here, Joe, you do the punchline.  You do it better.”
[BIDEN] “Um, ok, yes, this is Brett O’Connor again.  So, the refrigerators ARE running?  Ok, well, um, good job destroying the environment, you electricity-guzzling, coal-loving Republican teabagger!” [Loud phone-slamming sound as call is abruptly disconnected.]
[TRUMP]: “What the… (Censored)? [Call disconnects.]”

***
(November 1st)
[BIDEN]: “Um, yes, this is Moe Griden from the FBI.  We’re looking into the disappearance of a one Prince Albert from, um… the nation of Albertistan?  We heard you have him in a can somewhere in Trump Tower – is that true?”
[PELOSI]: (Whispered from Background.) Hey, let me do this one here.  Here, give me the phone.  I can take it over from here.
[TRUMP]: “What’s that?  Is this Melania?  Honey, I told you to stop the drinking.  You don’t make any sense when you drink.”
[PELOSI]: (Whispered) Trust me.  I’ve got this.  (Normal Volume.) “Well, you better go catch him!  Oh, crap, I think I messed it up.” [Call disconnects.]

***
(December 11th)
[OBAMA]: “Hey, is this Trump Tower?  Is your refrigerator still running?”
[TRUMP]: “Oh, not this again.  Look, I’ve got Flynn and Putin on the other line in a Conference Call, can we do this another time already?”
[OBAMA]: “(Censored) You!” [Loud phone-slamming sound as call is abruptly disconnected.]
[TRUMP]: “YOU’RE FIRED!  YOU HEAR ME?  WHOEVER YOU ARE, WHEREVER YOU ARE, YOU ARE FIRED!  EVEN IF I HAVE TO SPEND MY WHOLE FORTUNE DOING IT, I’M GOING TO TRACK WHOEVER YOU ARE DOWN, BUY WHATEVER COMPANY YOU BELONG, AND MAKE ABSOLUTELY SURE YOU DON’T HAVE A JOB THIS TIME NEXT MONTH.  YOU HEAR ME, YOU LITTLE PUNK?  YOU CROSSED THE WRONG LOUD, MEGALOMANIACALLY-MINDED MILLIONAIRE!  DECEMBER IS GOING TO BE YOUR LAST FULL MONTH OF EMPLOYMENT IN THIS COUNTRY… OR ANYWHERE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER!” [Call disconnects.]

“To be fair, he kind of followed through with that threat.” Joe Biden added, in an interview with SLNC News’ Timothy Gibbings earlier today, after the above audio clip was played on Gibbings’ news show, “Racquetball with Timothy Gibbings”, that airs five times a day on SLNC News’ failing left-leaning television network.  “I still don’t think he realized who it was that had been calling him until I left my YouTube channel open on Barack’s computer on our way out of the White House in January.  Right now, the video’s still set to Private, so he wouldn’t have found it otherwise.”

“Wait, you mean, you’ve already technically posted all this to YouTube?” Timothy Gibbings asked, his eyebrow raising sharply as a clear indication of either shock or stroke.

“Yeah, what’s wrong with that?” Joe asked, somewhat confused, while eating a $70 steak out of his famed Vice Presidential lunch pail right in front of the semi-popular SLNC news anchor.  “How else am I going to get Subscribers?”

“Um… well… that’s um… interesting.  Very, um… wow.  Ok, let me ask you a more sane question, then, if I could, Mister Former Vice President.” Timothy Gibbings stuttered helplessly aloud, knowing his liberal producer wouldn’t allow him to say anything negative towards their decidedly liberal guest despite the overwhelmingly disturbing nature of his last comment, and awkwardly trying to move the interview in another direction as quickly as possible.    “Did you and Barack ever wiretap anyone else while making prank calls on them like you did Candidate Trump?”

“Not that I can think of.” Former Vice President Biden answered rather quickly.  “Oh, wait, Hillary once, too, but that didn’t work out too well…”

“What do you mean?” Timothy Gibbings pressed the former VP for more details.

“Well, I altered my voice a little and she kind of thought the one prank calling her was this kid who used to work for her as an intern.  Jason Heeney or something.” Biden admitted, somewhat sheepishly, a little less amused by this prank than those he had made against then candidate and President-Elect Donald Trump.  “The Missing Persons case was officially closed a few weeks ago, I think.  The police never did figure out what happened to that boy.”

“I, um… I… I see!” Timothy Gibbings chuckled and swallowed hard, loosening his collar as his show’s producer began to glare at him angrily from the other side of SLNC News Studio 12.  “And, with that, I think it’s time for a commercial break.  Yes, definitely time for a break.  Don’t you agree, folks?”

Racquetball with Timothy Gibbings then concluded their advertsied hour long interview with Joe Biden 30 minutes early, playing a short 10 minute compilation called “The Best of Timothy Gibbings” three more times to fill dead air after returning from an impromptu commercial in the middle of the SLNC News host’s discussion with the former Vice President of the United States about his prank calls on Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.

Faced with the new information that has come out about the very limited Obama wiretaps of Trump Tower, most senior Trump officials have now announced they are no longer pursuing this matter, but would appreciate if former Vice President Joe Biden would at least delete the relevant videos from his YouTube channel rather than opening them to public view, even for “Subscribers”.  President Trump himself, however, has only buckled down on his original claim since these facts came to light, now insisting that every phone call he made from any device or location since he first joined the Presidential race was monitored and/or recorded by the Obama administration, and, furthermore, that the refrigerators in Trump Tower have very low energy usage, and, thus, are not destroying the environment as insinuated by President Obama during his prank call on Trump Tower early last October.

“The Eye of Zatara” attempted to reach out to Spokesman for the President, Sean Spicer, for further comment on this story from the White House, but he did not immediately return our calls.  According to Internet news blog, NowNews, Mr. Spicer was busy today visiting a Washington, D.C. area doctor for a last minute appointment seeking a prescription for high blood pressure medication, or, alternatively, just a friendly shoulder for him to cry on, but these reports, however likely they may be, are currently unsubstantiated.