Pokemon – The Eye of Zatara

[SATIRE] Biden Administration Offers “Pokéballs” as Solution to Migrant Housing Facilities

[March 4, 2021]

Washington, D.C. – Facing backlash for increasing the number of “kids in cages” since he took office, U.S. President Joe Biden, along with Satoshi Tajiri, the President of the Japanese video game company “Game Freak”, has announced a new solution to temporarily housing migrant children separated from their parents after crossing the southern border – storing these children electronically as data in small red and white capsule devices known as “Pokéballs”.

“While originally designed for containing elemental monsters such as the electric mouse, Pikachu, or winged fire lizard, Charizard,” Tajiri explained in an interview earlier this morning, “our recently invented real life versions of Pokéballs are as equally good at converting human beings into energy and storing them electronically as they are Pokémon, especially since Pokémon don’t exist yet.”

“No longer will we continue the Trump tradition of putting children in cages!” Biden declared triumphantly to a small gaggle of reporters later in the afternoon. “Instead, we will store children in Pokéballs, and put the Pokéballs in the cages! Win, win!”

“Building Pokéballs just to contain children. That’s sad.” former U.S. President Donald Trump shook his head, during a brief conversation on the topic with CBC News reporter Michael Hamden today. “That money could go to better things. Greater things. American things. Like more cages. Children love cages. They’re like little hotels to them. Stick a tiny TV in there, and they’re good for weeks at a time. I usually have the TVs play ‘The Apprentice’ on loop. Don’t want to risk them watching CNN and getting brainwashed by fake news, after all.”

“Kids love Pokémon.” Biden shrugged, when asked how he came up with the idea for the new policy, while sitting down in the prison that is his portion of the White House, with SLNC News Reporter, Timothy Gibbings, while Kamala Harris stood watch outside to make sure the U.S. President didn’t try to sneak out the window again today. “So, I figure, why not treat kids LIKE Pokémon. I’m told they’ll be computer files while in the Pokéballs, so they won’t remember a thing anyway. Not even my hairy legs.”

“When will you begin implementation of the new policy?” Mr. Gibbings asked, trying to get the President’s attention away from a game of Mario Kart he was getting rather involved in on his White House Nintendo Switch.

“Huh? What? Oh, we have already!” the President announced with a smile, before firing a series of red turtle shells at an online player by the name of “BarackYourWorld” but somehow missing with all of them. “The good thing about Pokéballs, I’m told, is you can carry them on a belt on your waist. If you hit something with them, the Pokéball automatically opens to catch them, converting them into computer whatsit. I had a bunch of Border Patrol guys hang around the Alamo and throw Pokéballs at every kid they could see. Caught a bunch of them already! Sent them straight to Carrizo Springs…”

“The Alamo’s not on the border. It’s more of a tourist haven for Americans.” Mr. Gibbings raised an eyebrow at the President.

“Oh…” Biden cocked his head funny, before focusing back on his game of Mario Kart. “That explains all the phone calls I got today.”

Deployment of the new devices at the Alamo aside, many Americans on both sides of the aisle have shown approval of the new policy of storing kids as computer information inside small spherical devices of dubious technology rather than keep them in what were called during Trump’s presidency “cages” but which are now being called “migrant facilities”. However, several prominent voices, both Democrat and Republic alike, have been vocal in their criticism of the new policy.

“Using Pokéballs to corral immigrating children without also giving them at least a $24 minimum wage while in the Pokéballs is a compromise, a deep one.” said Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez shortly before the printing of this article. “I am utterly embarrassed we are even having this conversation about storing children in computerized devices based on Nintendo video games without at least a $24 minimum wage for them also being discussed. Also, I was nearly killed by a Pokéball thrown at me by Ted Cruz last week, so, frankly, I’m not big on supporting such Conservative-friendly technology to begin with.”

“You know good and well I was in Cancun last week.” Ted Cruz replied in a quick social media livestream to Ocasio-Cortez. “My wife said, ‘Ted, it’s your turn to take the trash out tonight, isn’t it?’ and, bam, before she knew it, Cancun. I flew back later that night, but, when I got home, the temperature was below 100, which is very low for Texas, so I hopped right back on my private jet, and flew down to Mexico again. I’d probably be down there right now, honestly, but I stopped in San Antonio to spend some time admiring how beautiful the Alamo is this time of year. Wait, what is that strange man throwing at me? Some kind of… red and white baseball?”

After that, Ted Cruz’s feed cut out.

Despite objections from some on both sides about his Pokéball policy, President Biden is moving forward with immediate implementation of the sweeping changes, equipping every Border Patrol agent and some police officers named Jenny with a full belt of Pokéballs to be used to contain those that would otherwise be thrown into “migrant facilities”.

Those already in facilities are being given the option to stay in their current lodgings, or move into a Pokéball. Sources close to the “Eye of Zatara” have revealed, however, that most have chosen to abandon reality for Pokéballs after their TVs that previously played “The Apprentice” on loop have been switched to playing The CW’s “Batwoman” instead.

[SATIRE] Players Excited About Upcoming Pokémon Go Feature – “Fun”

(Original Post: September 3, 2016)

As anticipation swirls around the next upcoming patch to overnight success Pokémon Go, Niantic has officially confirmed the most exciting and innovating of the game’s rumored new features – as of the application’s next regularly scheduled update, Pokémon Go will now contain “Fun”.

“We know we had Fun in the original version, but it was just so buggy, we had to take it out for a while,” Head Programmer Larry Oak confirmed to several online gaming blogs Thursday. “We’ve been tweaking the feature behind the scenes for quite a while now, though, and we believe we’ve finally worked out the kinks. As of the next Pokémon Go update, Fun will be back in the game again.”

While some are extremely optimistic about the upcoming re-addition, others continue to say that Pokémon Go has already seen and moved past its heyday.

“That jerk Vinny down the street keeps beating all the Pokémon I put in our school’s gym, and sticking in freaking 3000 CP Dragonites. 3000 CP DRAGONITES!” school kid Bugsby Pinscyther reported to Pokemon-Go-LOL.com earlier this morning. “Not everyone has rich parents that can let them buy Lucky Eggs from the App Store all the time. YOU HEAR THAT, VINNY? YOU MAY HAVE MONEY, BUT YOU’RE STILL A N00B IN MY BOOK! A N00B!”

Bugsby later added, “I like shorts. They are comfy and easy to wear.”

Whether or not the re-addition of Fun is everything Niantic is hoping to revitalize the Pokémon Go fanbase, most objective sources admit that directly responding to the needs of their players in this way is a good direction for the company.

“Many players have been directly complaining about the removal of Fun from Pokémon Go from almost the very beginning of the app’s life span.” Professor Blaine Firenflame observed on his own popular Pokémon gaming blog, ‘The Weekly Cinnabar Report’, “Re-adding Fun just as their fanbase begins to wane could be exactly what the game needs to lure in more players than ever before! By my calculations, we may see Team Valor grow into the millions, Team Mystic grow into the billions, and Team Instinct get its first member since… since… since, well, sometime in the middle of August, putting them well on their way to having a triple digit team size! Professor Willow may even have to get a new assistant to accommodate all the new players… anyone up for joining Team Volcano? Eh? Eh? What, no takers…?”

While the exact date that the Fun feature will return to Pokémon Go has not been officially announced, it is sure to be a welcome milestone in the life of this widely popular enhanced reality game. Unfortunately, this announcement has only given further encouragement to some disreputable users of the app. Many less scrupulous Pokémon Go users across the Internet have already announced their intentions to gain access to the area of the Pokémon Go servers connected to the Fun feature, creating online maps for others players to use in order to locate the placement and timing of Fun on the virtual Pokémon Go map of the area around them, in direct violation of the game’s Terms of Service.

“Until they create a way for us to quickly and easily locate Fun in a way that works best for Team Rock, I mean, Team Mystic, we will continue to take use whatever resources we have available to display the location of Fun to any player willing and able to gain an edge over their friends and neighbors using our website.” a very short, slightly furry-looking man very closely resembling a Meowth explained on an anonymous Youtube video as a male and female henchman in concealing trenchcoats snickered behind him. “That, and capture Pikachu. Those are our goals as three tried and true players of Pokémon Go’s illustrious Team Rock…mystic. Mystic. Team Mystic. Wait, what did I say?”

Since the posting of this article, Niantic has already banned the three odd players responsible for posting the YouTube video about Fun and Pikachus. In addition, they have confirmed a $25 US price tag to activate the “Fun” feature once downloaded into Pokémon Go via its next update. This purchase will activate Fun for 24 hours real time, before having to be repurchased at the in-game App Store with another $25 in Pokécoins. Apparently, “Fun” comes at a price, but Niantic assures you that you will always be able to avoid spending real world money on Pokécoins using the extremely-lucrative accumulation of Pokécoins from placing your Pokémon into gyms. In fact, as of the writing of this article, the author has himself accumulated almost 30 coins in this way, almost 1% of the cost of a Fun download! Questions were emailed to Niantic by “The Eye of Zatara” on the possibility of future features to help with the non-monetary acquisition of Pokécoins, but were deleted without being opened.

[SATIRE] Nintendo “Out of Ideas for New Pokémon”; New Games Will Feature Old Pokémon in New Colors

(Original Post: August 25, 2016)

In a surprising announcement from spokesman Hijiro Sadokawa at a handheld gaming symposium in Ikebukuro on Sunday, Nintendo has officially confirmed what many in the Pokémon community had already come to suspect.

“It has been over twenty years since the creation of our beloved Pokémon franchise by Satoshi Tajiri in 1995, and, frankly, we’re just out of ideas.” Hijiro confessed before a crowd of gamers gathered for their “Future of Pokémon” panel at the symposium. “We’ve done cats, dogs, birds, ghosts, even an ice cream sundae Pokémon, and, frankly, our creative team just doesn’t have anything left.”

“This does not, however, mean the end of the Pokémon franchise.” Hijiro then went on to clarify, as several overweight older men in Pikachu T-shirts broke down crying in the middle of the crowd. “Instead of featuring new Pokémon, all future Pokémon games, partially starting with Pokémon Sun and Moon, will feature fresh, revolutionary new variations of already existing Pokémon in awesome and exciting alternate color schemes!”

Looking to the left and right of his small stage to confirm the presence of symposium security on either side of him, Hijiro dodged a tomato chucked at his head by a female cosplayer dressed as a Bulbasaur and tried desperately to continue his prepared remarks over the audible booing of the now dwindling crowd of distraught Pokémaniacs.

“We understand this will be a big transition for the Pokémon community to make, which is why we are including several new Pokémon designs in Pokémon Sun and Moon, to help make this as gradual a process as possible for our fans.” Hijiro shouted as a large, hairy man dressed head-to-toe in pink Clefairy-adorned Pokémon merchandise made a quick, unsuccessful attempt to rush the stage, stopped by several members of the symposium’s security detail at the last second before reaching Spokesman Tajiri. “We’ve gathered together all the rejected designs submitted by our creative staff over the years, and from several members of the team’s elementary age children, and transformed them into real, new Pokémon to be included in Pokémon Sun and Moon along with our alternate version Pokémon from Pokémon Red, Blue, and Green. I mean, haven’t you ever wanted a donkey Pokémon that fights with dirt? Meet Mudbray! How about a dead-looking Pikachu that’s actually a ghost? Mimikyu may just be for you! How about a space debris Pokémon that can be broken in battle? Just watch out for Minior showers!”

As the remainder of the once massive crowd gathered before Hijiro for his panel then began to actively throw fan-made Pokéballs (and a couple of actual rocks they called “Geodudes”) at Mr. Sadokawa in mass, symposium security quickly shutdown his panel for the Nintendo spokesman’s safety, and closed the symposium early for the day, promising to post the remainder of Hijiro’s press release on their website for later viewing by event-goers in its entirety. It is unclear if that actually happened, however, as shortly after the time that Mr. Sadokawa’s speech was promised to appear on their website, hackers replaced the full contents of the symposium’s webspace with an animated .gif of Ash Ketchum from the Pokémon anime crying while surrounded by the logos for Pokémon Sun and Moon.

When asked on social media for a follow-up statement to his remarks at the Annual Ikebukuro August Handheld Gaming Symposium, Hijiro Sadokawa simply remarked “If they don’t like it, I guess there’s always Pokémon Go.” Multiple news outlets reported, however, in the following minute, 50% of the overweight, single male demographic of the world shrugged in unison while chorusing “Meh.”

Satoshi Tajiri did not return our calls for a comment, but unnamed sources report a 800% increase in the number of Kleenex boxes and gift cards for comfort food restaurants purchased from his Amazon Prime account and delivered to his residence in the days since the shocking announcement.

[SATIRE] “Pokémon Go” Announced as First Computer Virus Capable of Spreading to Human Host

(Original Post: July 11, 2016)

Bulbasaur Cubone

As downloads of popular game application, “Pokémon Go” continue to skyrocket with more and more users immersing themselves in the augmented reality cell phone game by the day, Intel Security Group, makers of the popular “McAfee” line of anti-virus solutions, announced today that based upon their studies of smartphone memory, battery, and data use, as well as a suspiciously high number of real world money transactions initiated by the program, “Pokémon Go” will be re-classified as “malware/virus” by the next updates to their computer and mobile device software.

In addition, Intel Security Group has sent an open letter to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, asking that immediate action be taken to identify “Pokémon Go” as a Class A contagion capable of effecting human beings in the same way as their smartphones.

“While we are not as proficient in diagnosing infection in human beings as we are in computers and mobile devices, the signs are all there.” reads Intel Security Group’s open letter, “The normal functions of a human being effected by Pokémon Go are rapidly and increasing superseded by the demands of the Pokémon Go virus, henceforth referred to as ‘Niantic’s Disease’. An effected human begins to forego normal social interactions and activities while dedicating exponentially growing amounts of time, attention, energy, financial resources, and conveyance to increase the ‘level’ of the virus within their body, the human gradually beginning to lose the ability to differentiate between the real world and that of Pokémon Go, claiming to see imaginary creatures all around them at home, work, and school that unaffected friends and family can clearly attest are not really there, and finding themselves drawn to reclusive churches, statues, parks, landmarks, and restaurants at all hours of the day, these locations having been identified by McAfee security software experts as habitats which supply the essential ‘Items’ fed upon by Niantic’s Disease in order to sustain itself. This is clearly not normal human behavior, and most closely resembles a form of parasitic infection.”

While some have shot back at Intel Security Group’s conclusions, calling them “unfounded”, “unrealistic”, and, in some cases, “discriminatory against Pokénthusiasts.”, major pharmaceutical corporation Pfizer has taken up Intel Security Group’s call to arms, saying their biochemical researchers have also come to the same conclusion, but are currently in development of a medication that has proven in early tests to reverse the devastating effects of Niantic’s Disease on the human body and mind.

“The name of the medication is ‘Rocketeem’.” Pfizer spokesman James Jessen announced Friday during an open press conference at a restaurant Pokéstop in New York City with a lure model attached. “Once it officially earns FDA approval, it can be purchased from any local pharmacy or the Google Play Store. It will likely be covered under most traditional health care plans, but can also be bought without a prescription either in cash or in Pokécoins.”

“There is a catch, however.” Mr. Jessen explained, after plugging his almost dead cell phone into a nearby power outlet to recharge. “‘Rocketeem’ can only sever one’s affliction by Niantic’s Disease completely if, after taking a dose of ‘Rocketeem’, the user then rids themselves of all further poisonous connection to the Pokémon Go contagion by freely trading all of their Pokémon and items to another Pokémon Go User, once that option is available, and then deleting the Pokémon Go app from their phone. To this end, Pfizer is setting up their own Pokémon Go account, user name HailGiovanni, that you will be able to donate your collection of Pokémon and items to.”

Mr. Jessen paused for a second to spin the photo circle at his Pokéstop before continuing.

“We sincerely hope this will make the recovery process a little easier for the victims of Niantic’s Disease.”