Tag: Pokemon Go

[SATIRE] Players Excited About Upcoming Pokémon Go Feature – “Fun”

(Original Post: September 3, 2016)

As anticipation swirls around the next upcoming patch to overnight success Pokémon Go, Niantic has officially confirmed the most exciting and innovating of the game’s rumored new features – as of the application’s next regularly scheduled update, Pokémon Go will now contain “Fun”.

“We know we had Fun in the original version, but it was just so buggy, we had to take it out for a while,” Head Programmer Larry Oak confirmed to several online gaming blogs Thursday.  “We’ve been tweaking the feature behind the scenes for quite a while now, though, and we believe we’ve finally worked out the kinks.  As of the next Pokémon Go update, Fun will be back in the game again.”

While some are extremely optimistic about the upcoming re-addition, others continue to say that Pokémon Go has already seen and moved past its heyday.

“That jerk Vinny down the street keeps beating all the Pokémon I put in our school’s gym, and sticking in freaking 3000 CP Dragonites.  3000 CP DRAGONITES!” school kid Bugsby Pinscyther reported to Pokemon-Go-LOL.com earlier this morning.  “Not everyone has rich parents that can let them buy Lucky Eggs from the App Store all the time.  YOU HEAR THAT, VINNY?  YOU MAY HAVE MONEY, BUT YOU’RE STILL A N00B IN MY BOOK!  A N00B!”

Bugsby later added, “I like shorts.  They are comfy and easy to wear.”

Whether or not the re-addition of Fun is everything Niantic is hoping to revitalize the Pokémon Go fanbase, most objective sources admit that directly responding to the needs of their players in this way is a good direction for the company.

“Many players have been directly complaining about the removal of Fun from Pokémon Go from almost the very beginning of the app’s life span.” Professor Blaine Firenflame observed on his own popular Pokémon gaming blog, ‘The Weekly Cinnabar Report’, “Re-adding Fun just as their fanbase begins to wane could be exactly what the game needs to lure in more players than ever before!  By my calculations, we may see Team Valor grow into the millions, Team Mystic grow into the billions, and Team Instinct get its first member since… since… since, well, sometime in the middle of August, putting them well on their way to having a triple digit team size!  Professor Willow may even have to get a new assistant to accommodate all the new players… anyone up for joining Team Volcano?  Eh?  Eh?  What, no takers…?”

While the exact date that the Fun feature will return to Pokémon Go has not been officially announced, it is sure to be a welcome milestone in the life of this widely popular enhanced reality game.  Unfortunately, this announcement has only given further encouragement to some disreputable users of the app.  Many less scrupulous Pokémon Go users across the Internet have already announced their intentions to gain access to the area of the Pokémon Go servers connected to the Fun feature, creating online maps for others players to use in order to locate the placement and timing of Fun on the virtual Pokémon Go map of the area around them, in direct violation of the game’s Terms of Service.

“Until they create a way for us to quickly and easily locate Fun in a way that works best for Team Rock, I mean, Team Mystic, we will continue to take use whatever resources we have available to display the location of Fun to any player willing and able to gain an edge over their friends and neighbors using our website.” a very short, slightly furry-looking man very closely resembling a Meowth explained on an anonymous Youtube video as a male and female henchman in concealing trenchcoats snickered behind him.  “That, and capture Pikachu.  Those are our goals as three tried and true players of Pokémon Go’s illustrious Team Rock…mystic.  Mystic.  Team Mystic.  Wait, what did I say?”

Since the posting of this article, Niantic has already banned the three odd players responsible for posting the YouTube video about Fun and Pikachus.  In addition, they have confirmed a $25 US price tag to activate the “Fun” feature once downloaded into Pokémon Go via its next update.  This purchase will activate Fun for 24 hours real time, before having to be repurchased at the in-game App Store with another $25 in Pokécoins.  Apparently, “Fun” comes at a price, but Niantic assures you that you will always be able to avoid spending real world money on Pokécoins using the extremely-lucrative accumulation of Pokécoins from placing your Pokémon into gyms.  In fact, as of the writing of this article, the author has himself accumulated almost 30 coins in this way, almost 1% of the cost of a Fun download!  Questions were emailed to Niantic by “The Eye of Zatara” on the possibility of future features to help with the non-monetary acquisition of Pokécoins, but were deleted without being opened.

[SATIRE] “Pokémon Go” Announced as First Computer Virus Capable of Spreading to Human Host

(Original Post: July 11, 2016)

Bulbasaur Cubone

As downloads of popular game application, “Pokémon Go” continue to skyrocket with more and more users immersing themselves in the augmented reality cell phone game by the day, Intel Security Group, makers of the popular “McAfee” line of anti-virus solutions, announced today that based upon their studies of smartphone memory, battery, and data use, as well as a suspiciously high number of real world money transactions initiated by the program, “Pokémon Go” will be re-classified as “malware/virus” by the next updates to their computer and mobile device software.

In addition, Intel Security Group has sent an open letter to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, asking that immediate action be taken to identify “Pokémon Go” as a Class A contagion capable of effecting human beings in the same way as their smartphones.

“While we are not as proficient in diagnosing infection in human beings as we are in computers and mobile devices, the signs are all there.” reads Intel Security Group’s open letter, “The normal functions of a human being effected by Pokémon Go are rapidly and increasing superseded by the demands of the Pokémon Go virus, henceforth referred to as ‘Niantic’s Disease’. An effected human begins to forego normal social interactions and activities while dedicating exponentially growing amounts of time, attention, energy, financial resources, and conveyance to increase the ‘level’ of the virus within their body, the human gradually beginning to lose the ability to differentiate between the real world and that of Pokémon Go, claiming to see imaginary creatures all around them at home, work, and school that unaffected friends and family can clearly attest are not really there, and finding themselves drawn to reclusive churches, statues, parks, landmarks, and restaurants at all hours of the day, these locations having been identified by McAfee security software experts as habitats which supply the essential ‘Items’ fed upon by Niantic’s Disease in order to sustain itself. This is clearly not normal human behavior, and most closely resembles a form of parasitic infection.”

While some have shot back at Intel Security Group’s conclusions, calling them “unfounded”, “unrealistic”, and, in some cases, “discriminatory against Pokénthusiasts.”, major pharmaceutical corporation Pfizer has taken up Intel Security Group’s call to arms, saying their biochemical researchers have also come to the same conclusion, but are currently in development of a medication that has proven in early tests to reverse the devastating effects of Niantic’s Disease on the human body and mind.

“The name of the medication is ‘Rocketeem’.” Pfizer spokesman James Jessen announced Friday during an open press conference at a restaurant Pokéstop in New York City with a lure model attached. “Once it officially earns FDA approval, it can be purchased from any local pharmacy or the Google Play Store. It will likely be covered under most traditional health care plans, but can also be bought without a prescription either in cash or in Pokécoins.”

“There is a catch, however.” Mr. Jessen explained, after plugging his almost dead cell phone into a nearby power outlet to recharge. “‘Rocketeem’ can only sever one’s affliction by Niantic’s Disease completely if, after taking a dose of ‘Rocketeem’, the user then rids themselves of all further poisonous connection to the Pokémon Go contagion by freely trading all of their Pokémon and items to another Pokémon Go User, once that option is available, and then deleting the Pokémon Go app from their phone. To this end, Pfizer is setting up their own Pokémon Go account, user name HailGiovanni, that you will be able to donate your collection of Pokémon and items to.”

Mr. Jessen paused for a second to spin the photo circle at his Pokéstop before continuing.

“We sincerely hope this will make the recovery process a little easier for the victims of Niantic’s Disease.”