Politics – The Eye of Zatara

[SATIRE] Donald Trump Boycotts “The Falcon and the Winter Soldier” – Says MCU Should Focus on “Making Captain America Great Again”

(Original Post: March 26, 2021)

Port Vila, Vanuatu – According to an exclusive report obtained by senior investigator for CBC News, Michael Hamden, former U.S. President Donald Trump has officially boycotted the new Disney+ original series, “The Falcon and the Winter Soldier”, claiming Disney should instead focus on “Making Captain America Great Again” by creating a new series starring the MCU’s Captain America, Steve Rogers, as portrayed by actor Chris Evans.

“The Falcon and the Winter Soldier are side characters. Losers!” Donald Trump explained, while relaxing on the golden throne he built in a mansion in the heart of the small Pacific island nation of Vanuatu, as Hamden interviewed him. “Disney should focus on winners, like the original Avengers, and especially, my favorite Avenger, Captain America. You know when I was a kid, I had a solid gold Captain America action figure my parents bought for me? I used to play with it all day, until a reporter from CNN came over to my house and stole it from me because he hates America.”

“I think we’re getting a little off topic…” Hamden interjected, scratching his head as he tried to make sense of the notes he had written down thus far.

“Yes, of course, like I was saying, the Falcon can fly. So what? I have five gold-plated private jets that I can fly in whenever I want. That doesn’t make me a superhero. I AM a superhero, but it isn’t only because I can fly.” Donald Trump explained, while eating a Taco Bowl flown over to him from the cafeteria in Trump Tower using one of his aforementioned golden jets, a little cheese spilling from the Taco Bowl on the orange-colored ‘Trump Man’ costume he was wearing. “And the Winter Soldier? Some guy with a rough life who fights with a metal arm? Boo hoo, I had a rough life too! I mean, come on, Superman would have a field day with this joker. I think even Joe Biden could beat him in a fight, and he lost to Vladimir Putin a few days ago after falling down some stairs again!”

“So, you’re boycotting the series?” Mr. Hamden jumped in, trying to keep Donald Trump on topic. “And I assume you’re encouraging your followers both here and in the United States to do the same?”

“Of course! Honestly, I had a great Twitter post all planned out to really ‘rally the troops’, so to speak, and put a little fire under the Disney CEO’s feet. But, then, I remembered that horrible thing that happened when all those Unamerican liberals at Twitter got scared and decided to ban me.” Donald Trump continued, holding out his phone to show the inappropriate Tweet he had all typed out in his Twitter app that refused to post even after multiple presses of the “Submit” button. “Obviously, Twitter’s in bed with Disney, just like they are with the Dominion voting machines. So sad! Just wait until I start my own social media company. I’d like to see them try to ban me from that! They can’t – in fact, I’ll ban them! Twice, even!”

As Donald Trump’s interview with Michael Hamden continued on for… quite some time… after this point, Jeremy Renner, the actor who plays Avengers character “Hawkeye” in the MCU, shared some harsh words of his own about the new Disney+ series in a quick sitdown interview with SLNC News’ Timothy Gibbings in Los Angeles.

“Look, HAWK-Eye. It’s in my name. I’m supposed to be the main bird-themed hero in the Marvel Cinematic Universe!” Renner ranted angrily, fiddling dangerously with an actual working longbow in his hand that was aimed just to the left of Timothy Gibbings. “DC has Hawk-MAN, and Marvel has Hawk-EYE. I’m Hawk-EYE. Where’d this Falcon guy even come from? Some side character from one of the Captain America movies? I fought in New York against the Chitauri! I’m one of the original Avengers, for Stark’s sake! Now he and Bucky have this fancy new series, and no one’s going to even want to watch my MCU show when it comes out! Hey, it’s… It’s… It’s still coming out, right? You haven’t heard anything about that, huh?”

“Um…” Timothy Gibbings paused, watching the longbow pointed extremely close to his left side very carefully. “Everything’s fine as far as I know…”

Even the Atlanta Falcons seemed annoyed at their name being used for an up-and-coming major MCU hero without their team being involved in the show’s production at all. Teaming up with the same swarm of actual peregrine falcons that went after the Patriots following the Falcons’ overtime loss to them in Super Bowl LI, they attempted to ambush and abduct series stars Anthony Mackie and Sebastian Stan outside a cast party for the show near a busy Los Angeles intersection only to be overpowered by two working Iron Man suits that Elon Mask had gifted the two actors with after the successful reception of their show by general audiences.

“Look, I don’t care what Donald Trump says, I don’t care what Jeremy Renner says, and I sure as heck don’t care what the Atlanta Patriots have to say about anything after losing to Tom Brady in ’17,” Anthony Mackie said in a brief comment to the Associated Press following the mass falcon attack. “‘The Falcon and the Winter Soldier’ is a good show. Maybe even a GREAT show. And while the idea of making ‘Captain America Great Again’ appeals to me, too… I think the idea of making the entire MCU great again, like it was leading up to Endgame, appeals to me even more!”

Sebastian Stan quietly added a final comment.

“Also, Mephisto, the X-Men, and Galactus all show up in the show’s final episode.” Stan revealed, as fanboys across the Internet exploded simultaneously into multi-colored streamers of confetti, joy, and dreams. “Just kidding! Or am I? Watch our show, and see for yourself!”

A final MCU actor, Benedict Cumberbatch, who plays “Doctor Strange” in the Marvel Cinematic Universe was also asked about “The Falcon and the Winter Soldier” and gave an “on the record” comment this afternoon to a small news service.

“I went forward in time to view alternate futures. To see all possible television shows I could watch in the next six months. I saw fourteen million, six hundred and five futures.” he explained to Internet news site, NowNews.

“In how many did you NOT watch ‘The Falcon and the Winter Soldier’?” the online reporter asked.

Benedict Cumberbatch smiled.

“None.”

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] Biden Accepts Newest Challenge from Vladimir Putin – “Lightsaber Duel” in Place of Televised Debate

(Original Post: March 22, 2021)

Imperial Palace, Coruscant – Preparations are being hastily made for what is being called a “Duel of the Fates” as Vladimir Putin, President of Russia, escalated his previous challenge to Joe Biden for a televised debate, now requesting a Jedi lightsaber duel in the heart of the Imperial Palace on planet Coruscant, a request which U.S. President Biden has, surprisingly, accepted.

Leaving a spaceport in Moscow clothed entirely in black robes, Vladimir Putin, also known as “Darth Sykkle”, activated the hyperdrive on his small Imperial model shuttlecraft to take him to the Palace on Coruscant ahead of Biden, to await him, lightsaber in hand, ready to show all of America the power of the Communist “red side” of the Force.

It is unclear what the outcome of this battle will be, but video footage supposedly of the battle itself was delivered to the “Eye of Zatara” by an old man in a Hoveround muttering about Benjamin Franklin. The following unconfirmed information is the record of the battle.

“Listen, Buddy, if you wanna… You’re… You’re a knucklehead, you know that? I could… I could kick your one Force pony into next week! You hear me?” President Biden muttered to a house plant hanging on the wall along one side of the duelists’ ring in the heart of the Imperial Palace.

“Mr. Biden, I know you are busy, but, before I cut you down, there is something you must know…” Darth Sykkle smiled beneath the black Sith hood of his robes, igniting the crimson blade of his silver-hilted energy sword.

“Look, if you’re about to say you’re my father, you’re a heck of a lot older than you look.”

“No…” Vladimir Putin answered with an insidious cackle. “I am… CORN POP’S father. I am the reason he went down the wrong path, and threatened you at that pool you used to work at.”

Hearing this, U.S. President Biden’s expression changed in an instant, the once frail-looking leader standing up tall and facing Darth Sykkle with a ferocious look of knowing determination as he activated his own “Luigi Green” colored lightsaber and raised it in challenge like a master fencer’s rapier towards the face of the corrupted Russian dictator.

“Not good enough.” Putin laughed as he waved his hand at Biden, striking him with a burst of Force energy and throwing him down the staircase located directly behind him on the dueling platform. “And, by the way, that’s the SECOND time I’ve thrown you down a staircase with the Force in the last week, Mr. President!”

Putin laughed maniacally, as Biden collapsed pathetically on the staircase.

“It’s over…” Putin smiled as he walked to the top of the staircase and stared down at the once again confused and befuddled American leader.

“It is NOT.” Another voice chimed in from the shadows, as a new weapon activated behind Darth Sykkle, revealing the face of a black and red armored Kamala Harris holding a large, shuriken-like, four-bladed lightsaber ring, each blade on the weapon a shade of red matching exactly the color of freshly spilt blood.

“What?” Putin raised an eyebrow in confusion, turning around to face his new challenger.

“It is said with Sith there are always two – a Master and an Apprentice. This is true.” Vice President Harris showed but the tiniest hint of a smirk as she threw her strange lightsaber at Putin in a blur too fast for his eyes to even track, cutting him down in a single slashing movement without giving him so much as a chance to defend himself against her. “You made the mistake of challenging the Apprentice. Now you fall before the Master…”

“And you have made the same mistake…” another voice echoed in the old duelists’ arena, an odd, unnaturally-colored, orange-skinned right hand reaching down to retrieve the still glowing red lightsaber from the injured Putin’s grasp, a “Luigi Green” saber already shining in his left. “You have slain MY Apprentice – one I picked on the Russia version of my show, The Apprentice. Now, thanks to that, once I finish you, I will control Vanuatu, the United States, Coruscant, AND Russia. Then, I will make the whole GALAXY great again!”

The strange orange alien with a fuzzy, hair-like growth on his head chuckled, wrapped head-to-toe in a red cloak made out of “MAGA” hats overlaid on an awkwardly-drawn American flag with the incorrect number of stars and stripes on it.

“Kamala… or, should I say… Darth Ka-Maula…” former President Trump smiled in the light of his two stolen lightsabers, glowing bright in each of his hands from the fallen Apprentices of the two Dark Lords now facing off against one another at last. “Winning is literally my thing. What chance do you think you have against someone like me?”

“Winning may be something you excel at…” the Vice President spoke calmly, using the Force to bring her lightsaber ring weapon back into hand. “But, if I recall correctly, the only time someone stopped you from winning… it was an election, it was last year, and it was ME.”

Trump’s eyes filled with fury, but he said nothing to his confident opponent.

“What’s wrong? Nothing to say without Twitter to hide behind?” Kamala mocked, raising her weapon in challenge to the 45th President.

“I’m going to beat you so bad even a Dominion voting machine can’t put you back together again…” Trump smiled, charging at Kamala as the two clashed blades in an epic cascade of sparking flashes of light.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the background, a third figure watched over the battle, interlacing her fingers and smiling silently to herself, cloaked in a shadow of the Force so thick that even the Dark Lords clashing before her had no idea she was even there at all.

“Excellent…” Kathleen Kennedy smiled over the battle as Kamala and Trump battled evenly against one another in a tremendous display of swordsmanship and skill. “I’m not sure which of the two of them will win in the end. But, whichever one does… I will make them MY new apprentice…”

A cold chill filled the hearts of everyone in the galaxy.

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] Biden Addresses Crisis at Border – “Sky Wall” to Be Built on Northern Border to Keep Out Canadian Geese

(Original Post: March 16, 2021)

Derby Line, Vermont – Citizens on the Canadian border town of Derby Line, Vermont celebrated today as the Biden administration announced plans to begin construction on a new “Sky Wall” to help keep Canadian Geese from flying freely into our country.

“The racist right would like you to focus only on immigration across our Southern border,” Press Secretary Jen Psaki explained to reporters gathered in the White House press briefing room this morning. “Our new Pokéball initiatve helps address this problem, but the time has come to circle back to our Canadian border. Geese swarming unchecked into our country are stealing the bread from old ladies that American ducks would otherwise receive. How are these ducks supposed to feed their families?”

“I am happy to announce today,” President Biden elaborated, in a small video statement he made in-between “Afternoon Naptime #1” and “Afternoon Naptime #2” on his schedule, “That included in the recently signed COVID relief bill are funds to build the ‘Sky Wall’ needed to protect American interests on the Canadian border. This will consist of an electrified chain link fence covering nearly 6,000 miles of border equipped with motion detection speakers that quack out ‘Keep Out, Aye!’ in goose honks to any approaching Canadian immigrants. The fence will be over 10,000 feet high and will include solar panels made by our good friends in China to power the speakers. End of statement. You can stop reading the teleprompter, Joe. It just went blank. Wait, who… What… Where am I again?”

“There were many on the right and on the left who criticized the Obama administration for not addressing Canadian Goose immigration when they passed the Avian Affordable Care Act in 2010, the bill which promised free moldy bread pieces and discounted health insurance to annoying pond birds in certain low income brackets who qualify,” explained Vice President Harris in a brief sit-down interview with Timothy Gibbings from SLNC News. “The Harris Administration has now done what the Obama Administration was afraid to, constructing a glorious new ‘Sky Wall’ to guard our nation’s children from being woken up at 3 in the morning by loud obnoxious goose honking noises. We have also issued 1400 lb. stimulus breads to American ducks that have been effected by the ongoing Canadian Goose immigration crisis to help them recover financially from previous administrations’ lack of follow-through.”

“My concern is what will be done with the Canadian Geese who are already here.” Senator Ted Cruz tweeted from inside a Pokéball in Carrizo Springs, Texas. “It’s not like they’re simply going to fly south to another country or something in six months. They’re a part of the economy now. Are we going to offer them a pathway to citizenship, or are we going to round them up with some kind of Goose Nets and throw them back into Canada?”

Ted Cruz clarified his position with a following tweet.

“Personally, I hope we use the Goose Nets.”

[SATIRE] Biden Administration Offers “Pokéballs” as Solution to Migrant Housing Facilities

[March 4, 2021]

Washington, D.C. – Facing backlash for increasing the number of “kids in cages” since he took office, U.S. President Joe Biden, along with Satoshi Tajiri, the President of the Japanese video game company “Game Freak”, has announced a new solution to temporarily housing migrant children separated from their parents after crossing the southern border – storing these children electronically as data in small red and white capsule devices known as “Pokéballs”.

“While originally designed for containing elemental monsters such as the electric mouse, Pikachu, or winged fire lizard, Charizard,” Tajiri explained in an interview earlier this morning, “our recently invented real life versions of Pokéballs are as equally good at converting human beings into energy and storing them electronically as they are Pokémon, especially since Pokémon don’t exist yet.”

“No longer will we continue the Trump tradition of putting children in cages!” Biden declared triumphantly to a small gaggle of reporters later in the afternoon. “Instead, we will store children in Pokéballs, and put the Pokéballs in the cages! Win, win!”

“Building Pokéballs just to contain children. That’s sad.” former U.S. President Donald Trump shook his head, during a brief conversation on the topic with CBC News reporter Michael Hamden today. “That money could go to better things. Greater things. American things. Like more cages. Children love cages. They’re like little hotels to them. Stick a tiny TV in there, and they’re good for weeks at a time. I usually have the TVs play ‘The Apprentice’ on loop. Don’t want to risk them watching CNN and getting brainwashed by fake news, after all.”

“Kids love Pokémon.” Biden shrugged, when asked how he came up with the idea for the new policy, while sitting down in the prison that is his portion of the White House, with SLNC News Reporter, Timothy Gibbings, while Kamala Harris stood watch outside to make sure the U.S. President didn’t try to sneak out the window again today. “So, I figure, why not treat kids LIKE Pokémon. I’m told they’ll be computer files while in the Pokéballs, so they won’t remember a thing anyway. Not even my hairy legs.”

“When will you begin implementation of the new policy?” Mr. Gibbings asked, trying to get the President’s attention away from a game of Mario Kart he was getting rather involved in on his White House Nintendo Switch.

“Huh? What? Oh, we have already!” the President announced with a smile, before firing a series of red turtle shells at an online player by the name of “BarackYourWorld” but somehow missing with all of them. “The good thing about Pokéballs, I’m told, is you can carry them on a belt on your waist. If you hit something with them, the Pokéball automatically opens to catch them, converting them into computer whatsit. I had a bunch of Border Patrol guys hang around the Alamo and throw Pokéballs at every kid they could see. Caught a bunch of them already! Sent them straight to Carrizo Springs…”

“The Alamo’s not on the border. It’s more of a tourist haven for Americans.” Mr. Gibbings raised an eyebrow at the President.

“Oh…” Biden cocked his head funny, before focusing back on his game of Mario Kart. “That explains all the phone calls I got today.”

Deployment of the new devices at the Alamo aside, many Americans on both sides of the aisle have shown approval of the new policy of storing kids as computer information inside small spherical devices of dubious technology rather than keep them in what were called during Trump’s presidency “cages” but which are now being called “migrant facilities”. However, several prominent voices, both Democrat and Republic alike, have been vocal in their criticism of the new policy.

“Using Pokéballs to corral immigrating children without also giving them at least a $24 minimum wage while in the Pokéballs is a compromise, a deep one.” said Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez shortly before the printing of this article. “I am utterly embarrassed we are even having this conversation about storing children in computerized devices based on Nintendo video games without at least a $24 minimum wage for them also being discussed. Also, I was nearly killed by a Pokéball thrown at me by Ted Cruz last week, so, frankly, I’m not big on supporting such Conservative-friendly technology to begin with.”

“You know good and well I was in Cancun last week.” Ted Cruz replied in a quick social media livestream to Ocasio-Cortez. “My wife said, ‘Ted, it’s your turn to take the trash out tonight, isn’t it?’ and, bam, before she knew it, Cancun. I flew back later that night, but, when I got home, the temperature was below 100, which is very low for Texas, so I hopped right back on my private jet, and flew down to Mexico again. I’d probably be down there right now, honestly, but I stopped in San Antonio to spend some time admiring how beautiful the Alamo is this time of year. Wait, what is that strange man throwing at me? Some kind of… red and white baseball?”

After that, Ted Cruz’s feed cut out.

Despite objections from some on both sides about his Pokéball policy, President Biden is moving forward with immediate implementation of the sweeping changes, equipping every Border Patrol agent and some police officers named Jenny with a full belt of Pokéballs to be used to contain those that would otherwise be thrown into “migrant facilities”.

Those already in facilities are being given the option to stay in their current lodgings, or move into a Pokéball. Sources close to the “Eye of Zatara” have revealed, however, that most have chosen to abandon reality for Pokéballs after their TVs that previously played “The Apprentice” on loop have been switched to playing The CW’s “Batwoman” instead.

[SATIRE] Emperor Palpatine Faces Backlash for Misreporting Alderaan “Weapons Test” Deaths of 2,000,000,000 as “0”

[February 28, 2021]

Imperial City, Coruscant – Tyrannical dictator of the multi-planetary Galactic Empire, Sheev “Darth Sidious” Palpatine, has come under fire by galactic news services after reports came to light that he had miscounted the number of deaths that resulted on the planet Alderaan from an “accidental weapons test” of the Empire’s new “emergency self-defense weapon”, the “Death Star”, from an estimated 0 deaths as originally reported by the Empire last year, to an estimated 2,000,000,000 deaths as revealed by new reports early last week.

“It was an honest miscalculation,” the Emperor explained in a press conference held Friday afternoon from a dark-lit room filled with white armored Stormtroopers pointing laser rifles at the head of the gathered reporters. “Surely, you cannot fault an old man for a simple miscalculation…”

The Emperor smiled beneath his dark hood as but a single intrepid reporter, Michael Hamden-Skywalker, of Space CBC News, shakely rose his hand to ask the undisputed sovereign ruler of galactic space a question about the misreported numbers. The Emperor tried to force the reporter’s hand down with a tug from the Dark Side of the Force, but Hamden-Skywalker’s high midichlorian count allowed him to resist the simple manipulation.

“Yes, my child? What would you like to ask me?” the Emperor’s eyes glowed a fiery yellow as he locked eyes with the rebellious young journalist.

“Yes, my Emperor-ship, I, um… Well, in addition to new reports showing that, in stark contradiction to your previous claims, billions upon billions of people died in the ‘weapons test’ of the ‘self-defense weapon’ you decided to name the ‘Death Star’ for some reason, I have also heard that the Death Star itself has now unexplainably exploded, resulting in another 1,148,309 fatalies, and the loss of Grand Moff Tarkin, one of the highest ranking commanders in the Imperial Fleet. Is there any truth to these rumors, Lord Palpatine?”

The Emperor wrung his hands and frowned. Michael Hamden-Skywalker continued.

“Also, reports have come out from some of the female staff that serve with you in the Imperial Palace that you have been sexually harassing them, asking them to play ‘Strip Sabacc’ and asking if they’ve ever been involved with ‘astronomically older men’. Do you have a comment in response to these allegations?”

“These are not the questions you wish to ask me…” the Emperor whispered while making a strange hand-swiping gesture with the gnarled, snow-white skin of his right claw of a hand. “These are not the rumors you have heard about me. I am doing an excellent job of leading the Galactic Empire, and I am a perfect gentlemen with all of the staff in the Palace.”

“Princess Leia Organa, formerly of the Planet Alderaan that we have mysteriously lost contact with after your weapons test, reports that you have been repeatedly texting her ‘The Dark Side is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural.’ with strange pictures of yourself attached.” Hamden-Skywalker continued, unphased by the Emperor’s Jedi mind trick. “And, even Darth Vader, your second-in-command of the Empire, has come out and called you a ‘Bully’, saying you should be stripped of your Imperial powers. Are you afraid of facing a recall from the citizens of the Empire like Governor Sauron of Middle-California?”

“Oh, look, the Rebel Alliance has broken into my press conference and attacked my favorite reporter from Space CBC News with some kind of terrible lightning weapon…” the Emperor lamented loudly as all of the reporters around the clueless Michael Hamden-Skywalker suddenly scattered. “It is such a shame that no one got to hear any of the great questions he had in mind to ask me when I invited him to this press conference today. Truly a great loss for the Empire.”

“I don’t…” Hamden-Skywalker stammered out a confused answer before the first arcs of Force Lightning made everything clear to him. “Wait, no! Don’t tase me, Bro! Gegegegegegegegegege… I HOPE THEY BRING YOU BACK IN ANOTHER STAR WARS SEQUEL MOVIE!”

Despite the disappearance of most of the reporters involved in the Emperor’s press briefing on Friday, the galactic media continued to press harder and harder against the Emperor regarding the various allegations accumulating against him, forcing him to finally give a public statement on the matter to media outlets over the weekend.

“You think I am evil? If you strike me down, you will face something more powerful than you can possibly imagine!” the Emperor hissed threateningly in a brief interview with sympathetic press on NIR, National Imperial Radio, this Sunday evening. “If I go, the Walt Disney Corporation will take over the Galactic Empire in my stead. Then, you shall see the face of true evil!”

Reporters were sent late Sunday evening to the Walt Disney Corporation to request a comment on the remarks made by Emperor Palpatine a few hours earlier, but they have not returned. Rumors suggest they were forcibly made into characters for new Star Wars “The High Republic” novels, and then laughed out of existence due to their poor designs. Michael Hamden-Skywalker’s belongings were found early this morning by Imperial scouts on Tatooine, scarred with lightning and scattered near the edge of a Sarlacc Pit.

In other news, Emperor Palpatine has won an Emmy Award for his charming, reassuring banter with the public during the terrible “Hoth Offensive” instigated by the Rebel Alliance on a distant snow planet.

[SATIRE] Justice League Recommends Superheroes “Double Mask” to Better Protect Their Secret Identities

[February 24, 2021]

Hall of Justice, Washington, D.C. – The superhero organization, Justice League of America, consisting of legendary stalwart defenders of the world such as Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman, has issued new recommendations to ground level superheroes on the streets of America and beyond – specifically, that when going into action, they “double mask” to better protect their secret identities from supervillains trying to rip off their capes and cowls to find out who they are.

“We’ve lost some good heroes lately…” Batman recounted to reporters gathered at the small Justice League press conference on their new “double mask” initiative. “Just last month, the Joker ripped Nightwing’s mask right off his face, snapped a picture of him with a cell phone, and posted it right to Instagram before anyone could stop him. If only he’d listened to me about wearing a second mask… he’d still be out there passive aggressively fighting crime alongside me sometimes.”

“I didn’t realize it when I went on the prowl, but one of the strings on my mask was a little frayed.” The Green Arrow explained, in a social media post supporting the new double mask recommendation, “There I was, fighting my archnemesis, Zach Snyder, (“The Director”), when there’s this… strong breeze out of nowhere, and my mask goes flying across the street into a subway entrance. Good thing I’m CW version Green Arrow, and all of my friends and enemies already know my secret identity anyway.”

“Yeah, I don’t know about this whole double mask thing, guys.” the Flash chimed in, while trying to clean some blood off the side of his trademark red and yellow costume. “I mean, I rush around town at approximately 90-150 miles per hour, and it’s hard enough to see through this mask/hood thing I’ve got going on at that speed. I tried wearing a second mask the other day while cruisin’ around town on patrol, and… I kind of… crashed into a bunch of things. A BUNCH of things. I think I may have killed a man…”

“Come on, it’s not that hard to see in two masks.” Superman replied, having overheard Flash’s remarks with his super hearing and flown over to join the conversation faster than a speeding bullet.

“Says the guy who doesn’t wear any masks.” the Flash rolled his eyes.

“I am confused. I don’t wear a ‘mask’, per se. Should I wear a double tiara instead?” Wonder Woman chimed in, having made herself invisible to eavesdrop on the conversation, since making things invisible is apparently now one of her powers. “I’m certainly not wearing a regular mask combined with my tiara. I can’t breathe in those things.”

Despite some strong objections to the new policy, many superheroes affiliated with the Justice League have begun alterations to their costume to comply with the new “double mask” recommendation. Others have begun testing a new “secret identity vaccine” that injects some of the Martian Manhunter’s shapeshifting cells into the face of a superhero to let them temporarily alter their appearance in the event that their mask is removed.

Few, however, have noted the strange hand of a powerful cosmic entity who calls himself “Dr. Forcey” in the creation of these new recommendations, one whose relentlessly controlling grip on the superhero industry is not to be trifled with by mortal men, and whose intellect surpasses all imagination. He can do no wrong. His superpower? “Fact-checking” those who oppose his recommendations on social media, making them appear like crackpot lunatics, ostracizing them from all public discourse until they are completely ignored by society, shunned and abandoned even by the heroes and institutions created to protect them. This is all for their own good, however, we have been assured.

Of the major Justice League of America superheroes, only Aquaman was unavailable for comment at this time on the new “double mask” initiative. It is rumored this is because he is in an inpatient alcohol abuse rehabilitation center, after becoming addicted while trying to be “edgy”, a consequence of his addition to the DC Extended Universe movies. Green Lantern was, however, available for comment, but would only say to one lone reporter, “No, I ain’t having any part of this mess. You all figure it out. It’s way too stupid on both sides right now.” Supergirl and Hawkgirl agreed.

[SATIRE] Biden to Keep “Space Force”, Also Announces “MySpace Force” to Guard Americans Against “AOL Chat Rooms”

[February 23, 2020]

Washington, D.C. – In an unexpected announcement, U.S. President Joe Biden revealed in a press conference this morning that not only will he be continuing to add the “Space Force” to the U.S. armed forces, as initiated by the Trump administration, but will also be adding another new military branch known as the “MySpace Force”, in order to combat “misinformation” and “foreign government interference” targeting the population through “hip, new” social media outlets like “MySpace” and “AOL chat rooms”.

“In the digital age, we have to fight our enemies on the field of technology.” the President explained, while clearly reading what he was saying off of notes scribbled on the inside of his right hand with blue pen. “And so, to prevent foreign… wait, what does that say? Horse? Worse?”

“That’s ‘Wars’…” the Vice President leaned in and whispered into the 46th President’s ear.

“Bratwurst? No, thank you, I’m not hungry.” Biden continued, now abandoning his script entirely. “Ok, listen, People, we gotta band together to protect our folks in the red, white, and blue from Commie bullies using Yahoo! search engines and LiveJournals to target our kids. To that end, the MySpace Force will be established to train digital soldiers to fight… What was I saying again? Where am I? Wait, no, get away, Kamala, I remember. To fight the wars of the future on popular social media platforms like Myface, Spacebook, YouChat, and SnapTube. It’s for the children, gosh darn it!

While most reporters simply bowed at the President’s feet in awe in response to his historic announcement, one asking him what flavor of ice cream he thinks will be the favorite of soldiers in the MySpace Force, intern reporter Michael Hamden, Jr. from CBC News was not so elated.

“Wait, is this in addition to the ‘Voltron Force’ you said would be joining the Space Force last week?” Hamden Jr. asked, as the the President leaned down to respectfully sniff the hair of each reporter gathered at his feet one at a time. “The one that you said would be building ‘multi-colored lion-shaped robots’ that can combine together to form ‘Voltron, Defender of the Universe’ and fight Russians with its ‘Lion Torches’ and ‘Blazing Sword’? Also, isn’t that all from a cartoon from the 80’s?”

“Clearly, the President was joking about the Voltron Force…” Vice President Harris replied, stepping quickly up to the press conference podium to glare down the inexperienced CBC News reporter.

“Wait, I said that?” Biden chimed in unexpectedly. “That sounds like a great idea! Let’s do that instead, Kamala!”

“No, Joe, you don’t mean that…” the Vice President placed a firm hand on the President’s shoulder, increasing the pressure with a smile.

“Ow, not again! My leg! You’re breaking my leg!” Biden shouted, while flailing his arms frantically. “Somebody, call Corn Pop! I need back-up!”

“What the President means is that in addition to fixing the ‘Space Force’ debacle left to us by the criminal administration that preceded us,” the Vice President spoke to Hamden, Jr. calmly, but in a tone that scared him to the very core of his being, “We will also be investigating social media’s influence on our elections, especially as used by foreign powers to brainwash potential voters into believing things about our candidates and elections that are simply not true. That is what the President means by a ‘MySpace Force’, as he calls it. What quaint euphemisms he speaks in, doesn’t he? We are not, of course, making this a branch of the armed forces. That would be silly.”

“…we’re not?” the Vice President asked, trying unsuccessfully to sniff the Vice President’s hair while being held by her grip on his shoulder.

“No.”

As talking heads on American news networks fiercely debated the idea of adding a “MySpace Force” to the armed services, or to the U.S. government in general, former U.S. President Donald Trump announced he would be adding a “Space Force”, a “MySpace Force”, AND a “Voltron Force” to the military of the country of Vanuatu, which he is now the allegedly elected leader of.

“Joe wants to do good things for the country. I could believe that. But his Vice President won’t let him. So sad.” Donald Trump explained to SLNC News’ chief reporter, Timothy Gibbings, a few hours ago from Vanuatu’s capital of Port Vila. “But I’m President of Vanuatu now, and we’re going to ‘Make Oceania Great Again.’ How can we make Oceania great again? By controlling space, controlling social media, and also by creating lion-shaped robots to guard our wonderful Vanuatu oceans from liberals and terrorists – which are the same thing, by the way – in fact, it was just this morning that I was talking to the former President of Vanuatu before me who is now my butler, and I said ‘Moses, how can we make the world a safer place?’ And after crying about losing to me ‘unconstitutionally’ in an ‘election that didn’t happen’, he said something about hoping I was eaten by wild animals, and it hit me… we won’t just make lion robots to guard the oceans around Vanuatu – we’ll make tiger robots, too! Everyone knows that tigers can beat lions in a fight, hands down. They’re winners. Like me. Our lion and tiger robots will be better than anything that any President of Vanuatu OR the United States has made before me. I guarantee it.”

President Biden was scheduled to appear in a follow-up press conference on the ‘MySpace Force” later this evening, but it has been postponed indefinitely due to the President being “all tied up today”. Some visitors to the White House around this time reported hearing “Let me out, Kamala!” ringing through the halls near the residence portion of the mansion, but their Twitter accounts were banned when they tried to post about it.

[SATIRE] Donald Trump Elected President of Vanuatu, According to Trump – Vanuatu People Respond “Please Send Help”

[February 15, 2021]

Port Vila, Vanuatu – In what is being described by him as a “landslide” victory, Donald J. Trump, the former 45th President of the United States of America, has apparently been elected the newly seated President of the small pacific island nation of Vanuatu effective immediately, according to Donald Trump himself and no other sources.

“Yeah that thing in the U.S. didn’t go so well. So sad. But I’m a winner.” Donald Trump explained to CBC News reporter Michael Hamden, apparently on vacation in the remote island nation when the story broke. “I won the 2016 U.S. Presidential election. I won the 2020 U.S. Presidential election. And now I won the 2021 Vanuatu Presidential election. Good for Vanuatu! Now, we can make America great again… but in Vanuatu!”

When asked if he was surprised about the results of the Vanuatu election, sitting Prime Minister of the Parliament in Vanuatu, Bob Loughman, replied, “Very. We only hold elections for President here in our country every 5 years, and the last President took office in 2017. Not only that, but Presidents are elected by Parliament and the Presidents of Regional Councils, not by direct ballot of the people. I’m not sure how Donald Trump got elected exactly.”

Now former Vanuatu President Tallis Obed Moses also weighed in, saying “This is worse than the time that Survivor filmed here.” and “Someone, please send help!”

“That’s fake news!” Donald Trump responded, when asked about the details of the election by CBC News later that day. “CNN wants you to think there is a sitting President here in Vanuatu that I am ‘overthrowing’ in some kind of ‘insurrection’, but the people of Vanuatu have spoken. I am their newly elected President, and will be building a golden throne here in the… whatever Vanuatu has for a White House… with which to rule their good people. Fine people. The best, in fact. That’s why they voted for me!”

Correspondents for internet news site “NowNews” reached out for comment to former Vice President of the United States, Mike Pence, who replaced the Welch’s Grape Juice company as second in command of the nation in the first year of #45’s four year term, to which Mr. Pence replied, “By the grace of glorious heaven, what has he done? That man must be stopped!”

Democratic Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, has already announced piles to file… another… impeachment charge against Donald Trump for his actions in Vanuatu, causing her colleagues to explain to the 79 year old Speaker that the Constitution has no provision for “impeaching” the politician of another country, even if they once held citizenship and office in the United States, to which the Madam Speaker replied, “What? Constitution? What is this, Dungeons and Dragons? I don’t care about Constitution. This is the rule of law we’re talking about!”

All in all, despite several popular hashtags trending on Twitter such as #freevanuatu, #sendhelp, #comegettrump, and #whereisvanuatu, many of the people of Vanuatu themselves seem to have begrudgingly accepted Trump as their new allegedly-elected President.

“President Trump has promised to film a new season of ‘The Apprentice’ here in Vanuatu, which will create many jobs. He is also working on building a wall around Vanuatu to protect us from illegal immigrants which he assures us will be coming across… the ocean… to steal our existing jobs any day now.” one citizen explained to CBC News Reporter Michael Hamden later this evening.

U.S. President Joe Biden was asked about the situation in Vanuatu, but appeared not to understand the question.

“I tell you what, when I was growing up, I had a friend from Vanuatu. Mackey B., we called him. Now Mackey B. was a cool guy, but you didn’t want to cross him. He would fight… errr… I would… well… One time, he fought for me against some bullies, but those bullies followed him back to his house and stood around outside waving sticks and rattling the fences saying ‘Come on out, Mackey B. We’re going to get you.’ But back then, you see… we had these cars called Cadillacs and I had one of those, a nice one!”

President Biden’s answer to the question apparently continued on from this point, but no reporter was able to stand waiting in the room long enough to hear the rest of the gibberish.

[SATIRE] Baby Yoda Fired from “The Mandalorian” After Re-Tweeting “Gurgle Gurgle” to Gina Carano Post

[February 14, 2021]

San Francisco, CA – Speculation is rife about Season 3 of LucasFilm’s “The Mandalorian” after yet another actor has been released from their contract due to “abhorrent and unacceptable” posts on their social media accounts. Earlier this week, Gina Carano, who plays the popular Rebel droptrooper Cara Dune, was terminated from LucasFilm after refusing to vote for Joe Biden and Kamala Harris during the 2020 Presidential elections, which she followed up by posting non-conformist, mildly conservative things on her Instagram and Twitter accounts, such as refusing to identify her pronouns in her Twitter bio and reminding people it is not good to hate someone solely for their political ideology.

This week, Disney-imagineered puppet, “Baby Yoda”, showed support for Cara Dune’s radical statements after re-tweeting one of her more egragious posts to his own social media account with the added caption “*gurgle, gurgle*”, which was said in an “affirmative tone” according to several prominent puppet language experts.

“Some have speculated that Baby Yoda, being a child-like puppet, is not aware how to properly use a smart phone, and may have re-Tweeted Cara Dune’s posts by mistake,” explained high level LucasFilm executive S.P. Alpatine, during a press conference on the little green Mandalorian Star’s firing early Friday afternoon. “They have noticed that in addition to the offensive tweets of Cara Dune, Baby Yoda has also re-Tweeted posts from the social media accounts of Bill Clinton, Barbara Bush, the Twitter account for the monument Mount Rushmore, a Twitter account belonging to a 21 year old College student from Oregon that goes by ‘Travis’ who hasn’t posted in three years, and the Twitter for some truly wicked soul committed to the Dark Side of the Force by the name of Darth Sidious, who is in no way myself under another name.”

“Those of us belonging to The Senate… I mean Lucasfilm,” S.P. Alpatine continued, “Have concluded, however, that all of these re-tweets were intentional. Yes, including the one from Travis about how the card shops that sell Yu-Gi-Oh! cards in his hometown have no selection. Baby Yoda is an avid member of the competitive Yu-Gi-Oh! tournament scene, we are claiming. As a result, we have no choice but to terminate the small green animatronic doll from all future LucasFilm projects, to replace him down the road with… I don’t know… Danny Devito, maybe? His politics are right, at least.”

“When I heard that someone other than Gina was being fired from LucasFilm for their tweets, I kind of freaked out.” explained lead actor for “The Mandalorian”, Pedro Pascal. “After all, I compared Trump supporters to the Civil War Confederate Army and World War II German Nazis a month or so ago. Guess no one noticed those posts. Tough break for the kid, though. I’ll miss working with the little guy.”

“If anyone was going to fire you, it would be for being a part of that terrible Wonder Woman 1984 movie,” S.P. Alpatine responded from the crowd, apparently stalking the actors of The Mandalorian now to ensure further compliance with his “plans”. “Do not worry, however. All is proceeding as I have foreseen it…”

Hashtag #CancelDisneyPlus which has been trending on Twitter since Gina Carano’s cancellation, and may only gain more support with the firing of Baby Yoda. LucasFilm President Kathleen Kennedy was questioned about the firing of Baby Yoda, but refused to officially comment except to say, “While it would be unfortunate, if The Mandalorian collapses, I suppose we could always re-direct the resources to a new Star Wars project… like more ‘High Republic’ novels, a Rey spin-off movie, or maybe… that new sequel trilogy Rian Johnson is just aching for the public to see.”

She then began to cackle and laugh maniacally as her face turned ghost white and lightning crackled powerfully from her fingertips, striking George Lucas’ car outside a nearby Los Angeles restaurant and melting it into the shape of a Sith emblem.

[SATIRE] North Korea Abandons Conventional Arms, Announces “Moon-Sized Space Station with Turbo Laser Technology”

[Original Post: May 4, 2017]

Pyongyang – After several failed missile and nuclear weapon tests have slowed down his efforts for a “Super-Mighty Pre-Emptive Strike” against America, megalomaniacal North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un has reportedly abandoned plans to threaten the rest of the world with conventional weaponry, and is now planning on building some sort of “tremendous moon-sized space station armed with turbo laser technology capable of vaporizing planetoids”. Throwing away their crayon on construction paper drawings for liquid fuel rocket technology, North Korean scientists (all three of them) are hurriedly getting out their tracing paper and colored pencils to begin the first stages of creating what Kim Jong-Un has promised to be “the end of that rotting Old Republic, America, and the birth of a glorious new Empire”.

South Korean officials, concerned about North Korea’s new plans, are already theorizing ways to stop Kim Jong-Un’s military scientists before completion of their new weapon, either by stopping the creation of the massive planet-destroying space station outright, or by subtlely sabotaging it in some way to create an exploitable weakness that can be used to destroy the super weapon in the event that Kim Jong-Un is ever able to successfully complete it, possibly hidden in some sort of minor sub-system that would be easy for North Korean scientists to overlook like waste disposal or thermal exhaust ventilation.

Also troubled by the new development in North Korea, President Trump has announced plans to send over two dozen of the nation’s latest military fighter craft, state-of-the-art new fighter jets developed by Lockheed Martin with a revolutionary “folding wing” design technology, which will aid the South Korean air force in the event of all out war against North Korea’s moon-sized space station. These prototype aircraft, currently bearing the experimental fighter plane designation XW-1-6 “Wingwalker”, are rumored to already be in transit now to an undisclosed South Korean military base on the Yavin Peninsula, to be piloted and deployed sometime next week by South Korea’s legendary air force color guard, the Red and Gold Squadrons.

Naming his new theoretical weapon of mass destruction the “Red Star” (after the large red star in a moon-like field of white on the North Korean flag, an emblem that closely resembles this new weapon), Kim Jong-Un has repeatedly ignored all attempts by the United Nations to stop his plans to apparently destroy the entire planet Earth if it does not submit to him. Also confusing is Jong-Un’s simultaneous ultimatums that the West “destroy all the Jedi”, so that “only the Sith will remain”, puzzling Korean translators who speculate that “Jedi” may be an attempt by Kim Jong-Un to say the America word “jet”, as in jet plane, in the English tongue, and that the North Korean dictator is requesting all air forces worldwide to be dismantled if he is to be expected to stop building the Red Star. “Sith” is believed to be a similar error by the North Korean dictator while attempting to say the word “South” in English, although this translation is debated, as it seems unclear as to why the North Korean dictator would want “only the South [to] remain”. Some speculate he is not only mispronouncing, but incorrectly switching the English words for “North” and “South” while arrogantly attempting to mix two languages into his unstable demands.

Whatever the dictator’s intentions, it seems clear that the world community cannot simply allow him to continue with his plans to build a planet-destroying weapon right under their noses. Already, the North Korean dictator has become furious at the posting of a U.S. aircraft carrier, the U.S.S. Alderaan, right off his territorial waters, threatening to make the American aircraft carrier his “first target” immediately after activating the completed Red Star space station. The European Union has already begun probing North Korea for more information about the super weapon, for the first time ever confirming their use of a secret, heavily classified combined European intelligence agency known as the “Bothnian Interest”, named after Scandinavia’s Bothnian Bay rumored to be in close proximity to the hidden location of their underground headquarters, confirming these “Bothnian” agents have already infiltrated and will continue to infiltrate North Korea for more information on their new weapon. In response, Kim Jong-Un threatened the European Union, saying coyly “You want information on my Red Star? Many Bothnians will die to bring you that information.” and “Their mission is not a legal one. It is a criminal one. A Rogue One. I will stop it.”

As Kim Jong-Un moves ahead with his creation of the Red Star super weapon, much of the world is forced to watch and wait, relying on the growing Alliance of nations unwilling to tolerate Kim Jong-Un’s potential domination of our world under threat of total planetary annihilation.

In other news, President of the United Nations General Assembly, Peter Thompson voluntarily stepped down today, being replaced by a new United Nations President more equipped to deal with the growing threat of Darkness posed by nations of North Korea, a quiet and soft-spoken man of mild temperament, Al Patine of the small island nation of Coruscant. The meek but wise Al Patine promised this morning “It is with great reluctance that I have agreed to this calling. Once this crisis has abated, I will lay down the powers you have given me.” He then smiled, slyly, and added, “I love democracy. I love… Earth.” before slinking away into the shadows of the room with a tall man with red body paint on his face, as well as another, more aristocratic looking man who seemed out-of-place as if he had been thrown into the whole situation at the last minute in place of someone else.