Tag: Shopping

[SATIRE] New PS5 Announced with Features for Most Loyal Customers – Playstation 5 “Scalper’s Edition”

[February 17, 2020]

San Meteo, California – In an unexpected announcement today, Sony Interactive Entertainment (SIE) President Jim Ryan revealed to reporters that the newest in their popular line of video console devices, the PlayStation 5, which was first made available to the public starting November 12th of last year, already has a new streamlined and upgraded version coming out that will be releasing to the public in very limited quantities starting as soon as the end of this month.

“We here at Sony Interactive Entertainment try to be as responsive as possible to our customers’ wishes,” Mr. Ryan explained to the reporters gathered at his San Meteo Headquarters earlier this afternoon, “So, we have decided to thank these very same customers by releasing a new version of the PlayStation 5 that is specifically tailored to the needs of those who have made our new product launch such a success.  As a result, the PS5-SE, or PlayStation 5 ‘Scalper’s Edition’, will be available for purchase for exactly five minutes and only for exactly five minutes on every major commercial store in the country’s website on a date to be announced to select persons on the Internet later this month.”

“The Scalper’s Edition will offer a variety of features that will help it to stand out against its normal Playstation 5 counterparts, features specifically suggested to us by the bots that have formed the bulk of Playstation 5 buyers.” Mr. Ryan continued, “This will include the ability to list itself on Craig’s List and/or Ebay with a single touch of a button on the side of the console, an official legal release from SIE absolving the purchaser of any and all legal responsibility for re-selling the PS5-SE at whatever marked up price that they wish, a box for the PS5-SE that looks like another PS5-SE and can be sold to gullible parents online who don’t know better, and a series of special ‘Lockdown’ codes that will allow the original purchaser to shut down the PS5-SE console at any given time from anywhere in the world allowing them to extort additional money from anyone they sell it to whenever they want for as long as the console is in someone else’s possession.”

“We believe these features will help the Playstation 5 to truly stand out from his major competiton, the X-Box Series X, which has not cornered as much of the scalper market as our console, and will struggle all the more to keep up with our scalper sales once these new features are added to our base PS5 product.” Mr. Ryan concluded.

Reporters were elated with the new announcement from Mr. Ryan, although most of them has no idea what a video game console was or how it worked, and immediately asked if the SIE President would take down their email addresses to notify them personally when the PS5-SE becomes available, hoping to purchase one for their children and grandchildren who were unable to obtain regular versions of the PlayStation 5 last November.

“Sure, I’ll take your email addresses.” Mr. Ryan nodded enthusiastically.  “But I will definitely make sure the consoles go on sale for a while before I actually notify you, so, by the time you receive an update from me to go and buy one, they will all be in the hands of our target customer base: bot-using internet scalpers.”

Microsoft has reportedly responded to this announcement by releasing a new X-Box version of their own, the X-Box Series XRSX-X, which is exactly like the regular X-Box Series X, except it has more letters branded on the outside of the console, and actually does work as a mini-fridge when not running games.

[SATIRE] “Leather Wrapped Stone” Sells Out at Nordstrom; Lex Luthor Takes Credit

(Original Post: December 13, 2016)

As part of an ingenius plan to finally kill the heroic “Man of Steel”, evil supervillain mastermind Lex Luthor confirmed today that the $85 “Medium Leather Wrapped Stone” recently sold out at Nordstrom stores throughout the country for previously inexplicable reasons was, in fact, supplied to the popular department store chain and marketed by his company, LexCorp, and is comprised mostly of radioactive Kryptonite, a greenish element foreign to Earth’s periodic table that serves as the only known weakness to the otherwise indestructible defender of “Truth, Justice, and the American Way”, Superman.

“The discovery of a new Kryptonite meteor in the Los Angeles area left me with an excellent opportunity.” Lex Luthor announced cockily to a slightly agitated looking Clark Kent from the Daily Planet at a press conference event earlier this morning.  “To put Kryptonite in the home of countless otherwise innocent citizens throughout the country, putting Superman in a ‘Russian Roulette’ situation where entering any well-to-do residence to help its inhabitants could very well lead to his untimely death, as the particle emissions released by Kryptonite are not only toxic to all Kryptonian life forms, but even close proximity to them can rob someone like the ‘Man of Steel’ of his superpowers, leaving him no more powerful than, say, our Mr. Kent here.”

Marketed as a “paperweight”, “conversation piece”, or “work of art”, depending on its owner’s subjective whim, the “Leather Wrapped Stone” is now nearly impossible to find, as it is not only completely sold out on Nordstrom’s website, but sold out in nearly all of its individual local stores, as well, despite appearing to be little more than a common pebble in a fancy leather half-pouch resembling something a child might make at Boy Scout Camp for their parents.  When asked how he managed to convince otherwise intelligent, hard-working citizens to invest so much money into something they could easily pick up on the side of the road for free, Lex Luthor simply smiled as a second figure approached from the back of the room to share the podium with him.

“That was my doing,” a tall, bald humanoid with inhuman-looking green skin spoke ominously and somewhat condescendingly to the crowd of reporters gathered at the early morning LexCorp press conference.  “As a 12th level intellect, creating an advertising campaign capable of tricking people with too much money on their hands into purchasing a glorified sling stone was child’s play once Mr. Luthor here provided the Kryptonite to fulfill his part of the plan.  Soon, as our ‘Leather Wrapped Stones’ find themselves in more and more homes, offices, and businesses; moving from residential table and countertops to workplace desks, department store shelves, and countless other locations unforeseen even to the great Superman himself, he will find it impossible to safely continue to help the people of Metropolis or anywhere else in the country, and will be forced to either retire his cape of superheroism, or eventually die after rushing into a smoke-filled room on fire, store being robbed, or home collapsing due to earthquake, only to he himself fall by the hands of one of these lethal, Kryptonian-killing ‘conversation pieces’.”

“One question if I could, Mr. Luthor, and um… Acquaintance.” Michael Hamden of CBC News interjected, getting a little closer to the podium after a sweating and suddenly sick-looking Clark Kent excused himself from the press conference, the journalist glancing over his shoulder at a sample “Leather Wrapped Stone” sitting on a display table in front of Mr. Luther beside a mason jar of “Granny’s Peach Tea” and large, unopened bag of “Jolly Ranchers” candies.

“…it’s Brainiac.” the otherworldly green man answered Mr. Hamden coldly.

“Yes, Mr. Luthor and Mr. Brainiac.” Michael Hamden stuttered a little nervously, before continuing on with his query.  “If you’re trying to kill Superman with these Kryptonite rocks, why announce it to the public?  Why announce it to the world?  Doesn’t that seem a little counterproductive to your goals here?”

Lex Luthor smiled before taking back the podium from his otherworldly supervillain accomplice.

“What does it matter?” Lex’s cocky grin grew wider as he revealed the depth of his criminal genius for all the world to see.  “The Kryptonite stones have all already been purchased.  They’re being shipped to houses across the country as we speak.  They’re being laid in ribbon-wrapped boxes beneath the boughs of lavishly-decorated trees of the well-to-do where they will sleep undisturbed until the joy of Christmas morning.  Don’t you see, Mr. Hamden?  The deed is done!  I’ve already won!  I’ve convinced a nation of fools to buy their own coal for loved ones this holiday season, and now Superman – even almighty Superman – has not the power to stop me.  Merry Christmas, Son of Krypton!  Merry Christmas, oh great Man of Steel!  There is no Grinch to steal Christmas this year, so fly down chimneys to rescue the weak and poor if you dare, but, know, a glowing surprise may be waiting around the tree to deck your halls – and it’s not Rudolph’s nose shining so bright this time.”

Lex Luthor then ended the scheduled press conference by cackling maniacally at the top of his lungs, before awkwardly trying to force multiple people around him to eat Jolly Ranchers for no reason.  The “Man of Steel”, Superman, could not be reached by “Eye of Zatara” sources for comment, but a paranoid-looking Batman has reportedly purchased several new “Leather Wrapped Stones” found hidden in the back of a Nordstrom warehouse in Gotham City several hours ago “just in case [I] need to make him bleed again”.  Fellow “Justice League of America” member Aquaman has also made himself available for comment, but has not received any inquiries or questions from the media at this time, resulting in several tweets of “:(” from the water-based superhero in the last several hours, all of which were ignored by his three Twitter followers.