Social Media – The Eye of Zatara

[February 23, 2020]

Washington, D.C. – In an unexpected announcement, U.S. President Joe Biden revealed in a press conference this morning that not only will he be continuing to add the “Space Force” to the U.S. armed forces, as initiated by the Trump administration, but will also be adding another new military branch known as the “MySpace Force”, in order to combat “misinformation” and “foreign government interference” targeting the population through “hip, new” social media outlets like “MySpace” and “AOL chat rooms”.

“In the digital age, we have to fight our enemies on the field of technology.” the President explained, while clearly reading what he was saying off of notes scribbled on the inside of his right hand with blue pen. “And so, to prevent foreign… wait, what does that say? Horse? Worse?”

“That’s ‘Wars’…” the Vice President leaned in and whispered into the 46th President’s ear.

“Bratwurst? No, thank you, I’m not hungry.” Biden continued, now abandoning his script entirely. “Ok, listen, People, we gotta band together to protect our folks in the red, white, and blue from Commie bullies using Yahoo! search engines and LiveJournals to target our kids. To that end, the MySpace Force will be established to train digital soldiers to fight… What was I saying again? Where am I? Wait, no, get away, Kamala, I remember. To fight the wars of the future on popular social media platforms like Myface, Spacebook, YouChat, and SnapTube. It’s for the children, gosh darn it!

While most reporters simply bowed at the President’s feet in awe in response to his historic announcement, one asking him what flavor of ice cream he thinks will be the favorite of soldiers in the MySpace Force, intern reporter Michael Hamden, Jr. from CBC News was not so elated.

“Wait, is this in addition to the ‘Voltron Force’ you said would be joining the Space Force last week?” Hamden Jr. asked, as the the President leaned down to respectfully sniff the hair of each reporter gathered at his feet one at a time. “The one that you said would be building ‘multi-colored lion-shaped robots’ that can combine together to form ‘Voltron, Defender of the Universe’ and fight Russians with its ‘Lion Torches’ and ‘Blazing Sword’? Also, isn’t that all from a cartoon from the 80’s?”

“Clearly, the President was joking about the Voltron Force…” Vice President Harris replied, stepping quickly up to the press conference podium to glare down the inexperienced CBC News reporter.

“Wait, I said that?” Biden chimed in unexpectedly. “That sounds like a great idea! Let’s do that instead, Kamala!”

“No, Joe, you don’t mean that…” the Vice President placed a firm hand on the President’s shoulder, increasing the pressure with a smile.

“Ow, not again! My leg! You’re breaking my leg!” Biden shouted, while flailing his arms frantically. “Somebody, call Corn Pop! I need back-up!”

“What the President means is that in addition to fixing the ‘Space Force’ debacle left to us by the criminal administration that preceded us,” the Vice President spoke to Hamden, Jr. calmly, but in a tone that scared him to the very core of his being, “We will also be investigating social media’s influence on our elections, especially as used by foreign powers to brainwash potential voters into believing things about our candidates and elections that are simply not true. That is what the President means by a ‘MySpace Force’, as he calls it. What quaint euphemisms he speaks in, doesn’t he? We are not, of course, making this a branch of the armed forces. That would be silly.”

“…we’re not?” the Vice President asked, trying unsuccessfully to sniff the Vice President’s hair while being held by her grip on his shoulder.

“No.”

As talking heads on American news networks fiercely debated the idea of adding a “MySpace Force” to the armed services, or to the U.S. government in general, former U.S. President Donald Trump announced he would be adding a “Space Force”, a “MySpace Force”, AND a “Voltron Force” to the military of the country of Vanuatu, which he is now the allegedly elected leader of.

“Joe wants to do good things for the country. I could believe that. But his Vice President won’t let him. So sad.” Donald Trump explained to SLNC News’ chief reporter, Timothy Gibbings, a few hours ago from Vanuatu’s capital of Port Vila. “But I’m President of Vanuatu now, and we’re going to ‘Make Oceania Great Again.’ How can we make Oceania great again? By controlling space, controlling social media, and also by creating lion-shaped robots to guard our wonderful Vanuatu oceans from liberals and terrorists – which are the same thing, by the way – in fact, it was just this morning that I was talking to the former President of Vanuatu before me who is now my butler, and I said ‘Moses, how can we make the world a safer place?’ And after crying about losing to me ‘unconstitutionally’ in an ‘election that didn’t happen’, he said something about hoping I was eaten by wild animals, and it hit me… we won’t just make lion robots to guard the oceans around Vanuatu – we’ll make tiger robots, too! Everyone knows that tigers can beat lions in a fight, hands down. They’re winners. Like me. Our lion and tiger robots will be better than anything that any President of Vanuatu OR the United States has made before me. I guarantee it.”

President Biden was scheduled to appear in a follow-up press conference on the ‘MySpace Force” later this evening, but it has been postponed indefinitely due to the President being “all tied up today”. Some visitors to the White House around this time reported hearing “Let me out, Kamala!” ringing through the halls near the residence portion of the mansion, but their Twitter accounts were banned when they tried to post about it.

(Original Post: February 24, 2017)

Westbury, New Jersey – Following their successful interaction on the recently launched “Technical Test” for Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon Wildlands, nineteen year old gamers Michael Markenson and Lila Peachtree, who each live on different sides of the small town of Westbury, New Jersey, have announced via social media today their transition into a new type of tactical co-operative endeavor, a real life dating sim they call an “Open Beta relationship”.

“I really didn’t expect this when I invited Lila, AKA GamerGirlBetterThanYou7, to party up with me, Mike, and my college buddy, Ramos, to take on the Santa Blanca Cartel in the Open Beta for Ghost Recon.” fellow Westbury, New Jersey gaming enthusiast John Blackwell, AKA xHedshotz4Daysx, announced via a comment on Instagram about the shocking local development this morning. “I mean, I know they both live in Westbury, but I never really thought they’d hit it off like that. I really just wanted to play Ghost Recon, but the two of them wouldn’t stop blabbing about saving the environment and wanting to open a pet shelter someday or something. It was kind of distracting, honestly. I got taken down by Unidad like five times because the two of them were too busy talking about how they both wanna see Paris some day to cover me when I went in with my MP5. Honestly, I’m probably not going to invite them to my party tonight when I boot up the game again.”

When asked by friends and followers on Twitter about the details of their new relationship, Michael initially declined to further comment, but Lila stepped up fearlessly to offer just enough information to silence the gaggle of gossipers’ endless queries.

“Frankly, I just started talking with Michael, AKA 4c3Gunner111597, yesterday, and we aren’t even meeting in real life for the first time until tomorrow.” Lila explained, while customizing her character’s appearance on the Ghost Recon loadout menu. “So, we’re going to keep our relationship in the Open Beta stage for now. We’ll spend a week or two trying out some romantic features, and, if it looks like the Game of Love is something that’s going to be worth paying full price for, we’ll pre-order a full relationship right then and there. Otherwise, we’ll just move on. Things are looking good so far, though. I’m not sure if I should be sharing this, but, last night after playing Ghost Recon, Michael called me and we spent several hours in Team Chat together on the phone, discussing strategies for the Game of Love, as well as other things. Frankly, I’ve never had this kind of connection with someone before, so it feels like a real Achievement for me personally.”

“Being with Lila makes me feel like a new console.” Michael then added, spurred on by the boldness of his new girlfriend in talking about their new romance, and now ready to publicly throw in his two cents worth. “I know our Open Beta relationship is going to need a lot of patches and updates to keep it running smoothly, and I’m going to need a lot of Free Space in my life to make room for all these changes. We might get mad at each other, and have to shut down online functionality for an hour or two until we cool off. And even once we’re in a full version relationship, we’ll probably have to sit down every three months and shell out a little more emotional capital to download something new into our game to keep things fresh and interesting. Frankly, I think the Game of Love is worth it, however, and I’m willing to go so far as delete whatever other games and apps in my life try get in the way of our romantic simulation to ensure I have enough space in my heart for GamerGirlBetterThanYou7.”

After Lila responded to this comment with a winky face emoticon, Michael added a little more, before booting up his console to play Ghost Recon again until Lila gets off work at HighCostCo later this evening.

“Maybe it’s too early to say this, but I’ve always been a one console man.” Michael explained, as family and friends followed along nosily on his various social media feeds on the subject. “And like an X-Box, I think Lila may just be the One for me. As many other games and apps I used to fill my time before I met her, my hard drive just didn’t feel complete until the night I downloaded our relationship into my life. No matter how other parties like Nintendo may try to seduce me to their side in the future, I just don’t think I’ll ever Switch. I may have a lot of other Followers in my real life, but there will forever be only one girl in the Friends List of my heart.”

Michael and Lila’s mutual friend, John Blackwell, reportedly vomited a little in his mouth after reading Michael’s above posts in his Facebook Newsfeed, before unfriending him on all social avenues possible, and inviting two other high school friends to party up on Ghost Recon with him and his college buddy, Ramos, for the duration of the game’s Open Beta. Michael and Lila, however, were too busy fawning over one another on social media to even notice.