Tag: Technology

[SATIRE] Biden to Keep “Space Force”, Also Announces “MySpace Force” to Guard Americans Against “AOL Chat Rooms”

[February 23, 2020]

Washington, D.C. – In an unexpected announcement, U.S. President Joe Biden revealed in a press conference this morning that not only will he be continuing to add the “Space Force” to the U.S. armed forces, as initiated by the Trump administration, but will also be adding another new military branch known as the “MySpace Force”, in order to combat “misinformation” and “foreign government interference” targeting the population through “hip, new” social media outlets like “MySpace” and “AOL chat rooms”.

“In the digital age, we have to fight our enemies on the field of technology.” the President explained, while clearly reading what he was saying off of notes scribbled on the inside of his right hand with blue pen.  “And so, to prevent foreign… wait, what does that say?  Horse?  Worse?”

“That’s ‘Wars’…” the Vice President leaned in and whispered into the 46th President’s ear.

“Bratwurst?  No, thank you, I’m not hungry.” Biden continued, now abandoning his script entirely.  “Ok, listen, People, we  gotta band together to protect our folks in the red, white, and blue from Commie bullies using Yahoo! search engines and LiveJournals to target our kids.  To that end, the MySpace Force will be established to train digital soldiers to fight… What was I saying again?  Where am I?  Wait, no, get away, Kamala, I remember.  To fight the wars of the future on popular social media platforms like Myface, Spacebook, YouChat, and SnapTube.  It’s for the children, gosh darn it!

While most reporters simply bowed at the President’s feet in awe in response to his historic announcement, one asking him what flavor of ice cream he thinks will be the favorite of soldiers in the MySpace Force, intern reporter Michael Hamden, Jr. from CBC News was not so elated.

“Wait, is this in addition to the ‘Voltron Force’ you said would be joining the Space Force last week?” Hamden Jr. asked, as the the President leaned down to respectfully sniff the hair of each reporter gathered at his feet one at a time.  “The one that you said would be building ‘multi-colored lion-shaped robots’ that can combine together to form ‘Voltron, Defender of the Universe’ and fight Russians with its ‘Lion Torches’ and ‘Blazing Sword’?  Also, isn’t that all from a cartoon from the 80’s?”

“Clearly, the President was joking about the Voltron Force…” Vice President Harris replied, stepping quickly up to the press conference podium to glare down the inexperienced CBC News reporter.

“Wait, I said that?” Biden chimed in unexpectedly.  “That sounds like a great idea!  Let’s do that instead, Kamala!”

“No, Joe, you don’t mean that…” the Vice President placed a firm hand on the President’s shoulder, increasing the pressure with a smile.

“Ow, not again!  My leg!  You’re breaking my leg!” Biden shouted, while flailing his arms frantically.  “Somebody, call Corn Pop!  I need back-up!”

“What the President means is that in addition to fixing the ‘Space Force’ debacle left to us by the criminal administration that preceded us,” the Vice President spoke to Hamden, Jr. calmly, but in a tone that scared him to the very core of his being, “We will also be investigating social media’s influence on our elections, especially as used by foreign powers to brainwash potential voters into believing things about our candidates and elections that are simply not true.  That is what the President means by a ‘MySpace Force’, as he calls it.  What quaint euphemisms he speaks in, doesn’t he?  We are not, of course, making this a branch of the armed forces.  That would be silly.”

“…we’re not?” the Vice President asked, trying unsuccessfully to sniff the Vice President’s hair while being held by her grip on his shoulder.

“No.”

As talking heads on American news networks fiercely debated the idea of adding a “MySpace Force” to the armed services, or to the U.S. government in general, former U.S. President Donald Trump announced he would be adding a “Space Force”, a “MySpace Force”, AND a “Voltron Force” to the military of the country of Vanuatu, which he is now the allegedly elected leader of.

“Joe wants to do good things for the country.  I could believe that.  But his Vice President won’t let him.  So sad.” Donald Trump explained to SLNC News’ chief reporter, Timothy Gibbings, a few hours ago from Vanuatu’s capital of Port Vila.  “But I’m President of Vanuatu now, and we’re going to ‘Make Oceania Great Again.’  How can we make Oceania great again?  By controlling space, controlling social media, and also by creating lion-shaped robots to guard our wonderful Vanuatu oceans from liberals and terrorists – which are the same thing, by the way – in fact, it was just this morning that I was talking to the former President of Vanuatu before me who is now my butler, and I said ‘Moses, how can we make the world a safer place?’  And after crying about losing to me ‘unconstitutionally’ in an ‘election that didn’t happen’, he said something about hoping I was eaten by wild animals, and it hit me… we won’t just make lion robots to guard the oceans around Vanuatu – we’ll make tiger robots, too!  Everyone knows that tigers can beat lions in a fight, hands down.  They’re winners.  Like me.  Our lion and tiger robots will be better than anything that any President of Vanuatu OR the United States has made before me.  I guarantee it.”

President Biden was scheduled to appear in a follow-up press conference on the ‘MySpace Force” later this evening, but it has been postponed indefinitely due to the President being “all tied up today”.  Some visitors to the White House around this time reported hearing “Let me out, Kamala!” ringing through the halls near the residence portion of the mansion, but their Twitter accounts were banned when they tried to post about it.

[SATIRE] New PS5 Announced with Features for Most Loyal Customers – Playstation 5 “Scalper’s Edition”

[February 17, 2020]

San Meteo, California – In an unexpected announcement today, Sony Interactive Entertainment (SIE) President Jim Ryan revealed to reporters that the newest in their popular line of video console devices, the PlayStation 5, which was first made available to the public starting November 12th of last year, already has a new streamlined and upgraded version coming out that will be releasing to the public in very limited quantities starting as soon as the end of this month.

“We here at Sony Interactive Entertainment try to be as responsive as possible to our customers’ wishes,” Mr. Ryan explained to the reporters gathered at his San Meteo Headquarters earlier this afternoon, “So, we have decided to thank these very same customers by releasing a new version of the PlayStation 5 that is specifically tailored to the needs of those who have made our new product launch such a success.  As a result, the PS5-SE, or PlayStation 5 ‘Scalper’s Edition’, will be available for purchase for exactly five minutes and only for exactly five minutes on every major commercial store in the country’s website on a date to be announced to select persons on the Internet later this month.”

“The Scalper’s Edition will offer a variety of features that will help it to stand out against its normal Playstation 5 counterparts, features specifically suggested to us by the bots that have formed the bulk of Playstation 5 buyers.” Mr. Ryan continued, “This will include the ability to list itself on Craig’s List and/or Ebay with a single touch of a button on the side of the console, an official legal release from SIE absolving the purchaser of any and all legal responsibility for re-selling the PS5-SE at whatever marked up price that they wish, a box for the PS5-SE that looks like another PS5-SE and can be sold to gullible parents online who don’t know better, and a series of special ‘Lockdown’ codes that will allow the original purchaser to shut down the PS5-SE console at any given time from anywhere in the world allowing them to extort additional money from anyone they sell it to whenever they want for as long as the console is in someone else’s possession.”

“We believe these features will help the Playstation 5 to truly stand out from his major competiton, the X-Box Series X, which has not cornered as much of the scalper market as our console, and will struggle all the more to keep up with our scalper sales once these new features are added to our base PS5 product.” Mr. Ryan concluded.

Reporters were elated with the new announcement from Mr. Ryan, although most of them has no idea what a video game console was or how it worked, and immediately asked if the SIE President would take down their email addresses to notify them personally when the PS5-SE becomes available, hoping to purchase one for their children and grandchildren who were unable to obtain regular versions of the PlayStation 5 last November.

“Sure, I’ll take your email addresses.” Mr. Ryan nodded enthusiastically.  “But I will definitely make sure the consoles go on sale for a while before I actually notify you, so, by the time you receive an update from me to go and buy one, they will all be in the hands of our target customer base: bot-using internet scalpers.”

Microsoft has reportedly responded to this announcement by releasing a new X-Box version of their own, the X-Box Series XRSX-X, which is exactly like the regular X-Box Series X, except it has more letters branded on the outside of the console, and actually does work as a mini-fridge when not running games.

[SATIRE] Teen Installs Tesla AutoPilot into Delorean; Disappears at 88 MPH

(Original Post: July 7, 2016)

In yet another shocking report revealed today by Tesla Motors concerning their experimental, self-driving “AutoPilot” system, officials in the small town of Hill Valley, California have confirmed the disappearance of one Martin J. McFly in what has been described as “a brilliant flash of otherworldly light leaving two tire tracks of fire extending forward on the road along the projected path of his vehicle”. Mr. McFly, a local delinquent with a history of assault convictions due to what several prosecutors have called a “hair trigger temper instantly ignited by the utterance of the common name for domesticed poultry”, had reportedly come across a Tesla AutoPilot system during a short-lived part time job at a mechanic’s shop, and, on a dare, installed the AutoPilot into a neighbor’s classic Delorean DMC-12 sedan before taking the then stolen vehicle on a brief, computer-guided joy ride.

Mr. McFly’s parents are grief-stricken about his disappearance just over a week ago today, but have refused to give up hope that their boy will someday return to them.

“I just know Marty’s still alive out there somewhere…” his mother, Mrs. McFly babbled, while stuffing her face with a handful of gravy-covered mashed potatoes from a popular fast food restaurant before washing the starchy appetizer down with a glass of cheap wine. “I got a post card from him the other day. Postmarked 1985. I don’t really understand that part, but the point is that my boy is still doing fine, living his life somewhere near… what appears to be a working clock tower, although the photo’s kind of grainy.”

“I’d say it was actually Hill Valley,” his mother added, “but our clock tower hasn’t worked in years.”

Reporters have attempted to interview the owner of the stolen Delorean, a local scientist and inventor, Doctor Emmett Brown, but our sources report that Hill Valley officials ended this line of investigation due to “Mr. Brown’s clearly declining mental state”.

“GREAT SCOTT! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS???” Mr. Brown screamed obliviously into our reporter’s face as she attempted to interview him earlier this morning concerning Mr. McFly’s sudden disappearance. “NO… NO… I DON’T WANT TO KNOW. I CAN’T KNOW. ANY LITTLE PIECE OF INFORMATION YOU GIVE ME COULD CAUSE A TEMPORAL PARADOX THAT THREATENS TO TEAR A HOLE IN THE FABRIC OF THE SPACE/TIME CONTINUUM! OR WORSE, YOUR ADVISING ME OF THE PAST, COULD CAUSE OUR TIMELINE TO VEER OFF INTO AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE, WHERE THE ACTOR, RONALD REAGAN, IS ACTUALLY ELECTED PRESIDENT. AND WHO KNOWS HOW THAT WOULD EFFECT THINGS? THIS ISN’T GOOD. THIS ISN’T GOOD. I’VE GOT TO GO BACK! DON’T YOU AGREE, EINSTEIN? I’VE GOT TO GO BACK NOW!”

“Um… Go where?” our reporter then asked nervously, reaching anxiously for the small can of mace hidden somewhere deep within her purse beneath a couple recently purchased CDs from a band called “The Starlighters”.

“WHAT? YOU STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND? WHY, BACK TO THE FUTURE, OF COURSE!”

At this point, our reporter immediately terminated the interview, fearing for her safety as a result of Mr. Brown’s clearly aggitated and incoherent mental state, and running for the door as quickly as possible before driving off in one of our news vans also at ironically about 88 MPH.

Hill Valley officials say the search for Mr. McFly’s current whereabouts is ongoing, but advise the public not to automatically assume the Tesla AutoPilot system is to blame before the completion of their full investigation.

“It is clear that Delorean DMC-12s do not usually disappear into thin air in the middle of shopping mall parking lots while leaving nothing but a spinning ‘OUTATIME’ vanity plate and trails of sparks and flame on the ground behind them.” Local police chief James Strickland was quoted this morning during a formal press conference on the subject. “Nonetheless, we have learned that Mr. McFly had recently gotten involved in betting on horse races, so we are continuing to investigate this and other angles until Mr. McFly’s whereabouts can, at last, be confirmed.”

“He may also be operating under the alias of ‘Calvin Klein’.” Chief Strickland later added.

When a reporter from BBC News asked if there were any updates on a similar case involving a Tesla AutoPilot system being installed in 1960s London police box held by a collector in Hill Valley before the makeshift transportation device also disappeared without a trace. Mr. Strickland’s only reply was that “The Master” would not allow him to speak on the topic any further. The press conference was then abruptly terminated, and all attendees were advised to watch out for statues going home.

[SATIRE] Next Windows Version Cancelled After Project Lead Doesn’t Know What Comes After 10

(Original Post: June 30, 2016)

As millions of disgruntled users continue to begrudgingly rely on the current version of their lazily-accepted new operating system, Windows 10, sources inside the upper levels of Microsoft have confirmed the startling and unexpected termination of the Project Lead behind their next Windows version, Casper Agoteal, after a shocking tweet posted to social media late last week in which the once lauded computer programmer and Windows enthusiast asked fellow Twitterites to advise him “What comes after Windows 10? Wait, wait… don’t tell me. It’s 12, right? I can never remember these things.”

In response, Microsoft loyalists following Mr. Agoteal on social media at first thought he was simply joking, replying with the usual range of humorous acknowledgements, such as “lol”, “good one, Casper”, and “Where’s John Connor?” As the night went on, however, Mr. Agoteal’s Tweets continued. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m not stupid. I’m the guy who designed the touch screen interface for Windows 8, you know. Yeah, that was me. You’re welcome.” was next, immediately followed by, “Look, I only got this job because my dad knows someone on the board. I mean, I can sort of program, but all those numbers. They just run together in my head. I don’t even know what I’m doing here. I can’t lose this job. I won’t go back to McDonalds! Somebody, help me figure out what to call this project!!!”

Before long, the posts grew desperate. It was at this point that Microsoft became aware of the issue. “Oh, no… oh, Man… my boss is calling me. He must have seen my Tweets. Look, I’m just kidding. I know what comes after 10. It’s um… 20. Or, um… 100. I’m not stupid. I’m really not. I really need this job, Man!!!” This was shortly followed by “I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M EVEN DOING HERE… I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT COMPUTERS… SOMEBODY, HELP ME OUT… MY WHOLE LIFE IS LIKE SERIOUSLY FREAKING OVER!!!” Around this time, followers of Mr. Agoteal helpfully began trying to tweet him the answer to his inquiry, that the name of his project should be simply “Windows 11”, but, at the same time, Internet trolls also jumped on the band wagon, suggesting that the next number after 10 in standard mathematics was everything from “10 1/2” to “15” to “Q” to “John Stossel”. Unable to sort through the posts in his increasingly confused and emotional mind, Mr. Agoteal’s “fight or flight response” triggered, and he ran screaming from his computer, curled up immediately in the fetal position, and fell asleep crying on the floor of his studio apartment in downtown Los Angeles, as reported on social media the next morning by some of Mr. Agoteal’s more nosy, and apparently telescope-wielding neighbors.

The Head of Upper Level Programming and Development Technology at Microsoft Industries and Mr. Agoteal’s boss, Double Doctorate in the fields of Computer Science and Communications, “Big Bo” Samns, tweeted the next afternoon, one final time from Mr. Agoteal’s account, before news of his termination hit the press. “Microsoft apologizes for any inconvenience caused by the actions of former Windows 11 Project Lead, Casper Agoteal. Due to core problems with the initial conceptualization of the next Windows version, Microsoft Industries has permanently discontinued the Windows 11 project, and, instead, will issue regular updates to Windows 10 as a permanent, final version of Microsoft Windows, similar to OS-X.” Despite the shocking reversal of Microsoft’s originally announced development schedule, most irritated Windows users were reported as claiming general indifference to the revolutionary announcement.

Since last week, media sources have attempted to reach out to Mr. Agoteal for comment, but have been mostly unsuccessful, with the exception of a single popular computer and technologies blog, The Daily Hard Drive, who fervently claim to have gotten an interview with Mr. Agoteal. The most interesting question of note from that interview, “What are you going to do next after being fired from Microsoft? Are you really going back into the fast food industry?” was asked near the end of the Q&A, at which point, Mr. Agoteal unexpectedly responded, “Nah, my uncle is actually connected to one of the guys who works at Bungie, and he says he can get me a job there making video games if I want. I have a lot of great ideas about how we can re-integrate Call of Duty style weapon loadouts and the Reach reticle bloom back into Halo 6 to make it freaking awesome again. Also, wouldn’t it be cool if Mister Chief was really a chick like that Samus girl in Nintendo?” When advised that Bungie no longer owns the Halo property, but, rather, his former employer, Microsoft does, Mr. Agoteal’s reply was unintelligible, but did ironically contain exactly eleven different variations of vulgarity.

[SATIRE] Hadron Collider Shutdown Caused by Weasel; Officials Dismiss Reports of “Metahumans”

(Original Post: May 2, 2016)

The Large Hadron Collider particle accelerator at CERN is offline after a short circuit – caused by a weasel. The unfortunate creature did not survive the encounter with a high-voltage transformer at the site near Geneva City. The LHC was running when a “severe electrical perturbation” occurred in the early hours of Friday morning. A spokesman for CERN said that the weasel did not get into the tunnels, just the electrical facilities.

Anti-accelerator activists have raised concerns of possible environmental effects created by the short circuit of what has been called the “world’s biggest science experiment”. Most notably, some activists are linking the timing of the particle accelerator’s shutdown with the appearance of an unusual electrical storm that occurred in the skies over the streets of Geneva City at approximately the same time. A forensic crime science assistant was critically injured during this storm when a bolt of lightning inexplicably broke through a window of the boy’s otherwise safe loft apartment and hurled him electrified into a shelving unit containing a variety of unspecified, multicolored forensic chemicals. Some activists are now blaming CERN for the boy’s condition.

“If Barry Allen dies, his blood is on CERN’s hands!” one unnamed activist shouted at the once famed genius behind the particle accelerator’s creation at a press conference event Saturday.

“CERN has failed this city…” added another, a brooding activist with smears of green grease paint across his eyes, a possible intimidation tactic to scare the CERN officials attempting to hold their press briefing.

“Wait, this isn’t a Marvel movie…” a strange older gentleman with grey hair and glasses commented in sequence, before wandering off mumbling to himself about homecomings and civil war.

Some activists have gone so far as to also blame CERN for several unusual tornado-like events that have been occurring at various banks and highways across the city since the particle accelerator’s shutdown, claiming that CERN has somehow opened a kind of “Pandora’s box” that could go so far as to change the physical properties of human beings as we now know them, creating strange, new “metahumans” that society has no systems in place to contain.

Of course, not everyone agrees with these activists.

“Despite what some alarmists are saying, there is no substantial evidence to prove the particle accelerator’s shutdown had any effect on the weather or citizens of the peaceful people of Geneva City,” quoted David Singh, a noted Captain in the Geneva City Police Department. “This is not a comic book. A hole in the space-time continuum doesn’t occur every time a science experiment shuts down. Give them a week to get this out of their system, and before long these same crazy people are going to be rambling on about some new nonsense, like freeze ray guns and time travel or something.”

While activists insist otherwise, it is currently true that no provable connection has been to date linking the unusual meteorological occurrences in Geneva City to any explicable phenomenon created by the particle accelerator shutdown. Geneva City Police have advised they will investigate any tangible links they can find between the two events, but advise citizens not to give in to paranoia.

“In the end, the stories you’re hearing from activists are nothing more than pilots for their own imagined works of fiction. Particle accelerators, while highly advanced, cannot cause the kind of supernatural, superheroish events some activists are describing. Barry Allen has links to members of our department, and we will take a personal hand in doing everything we can to make sure he recovers. But, worst case scenario, should Mr. Allen not make the full recovery we are hoping and expecting, our blue league of Justice won’t be any different as a result. We will still continue to fight crime and criminals like we always have done. Nothing has changed here. The future will attest to that ten years from now, I’m sure.”

When further asked about reports of a flaming half-weasel, half-man “Burning Rodent” also reportedly seen in Geneva City moments after the supposed death of the creature that chewed through a cable on CERN’s accelerator, Police Captain David Singh just shook his head and labeled such reports as “silly”.

(Please see http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-36173247 for the original article, “Large Hadron Collider: Weasel Causes Shutdown”.)