Tag: Tesla

[SATIRE] 2016 Presidential Election Results: DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMP!

(Original Post: November 9, 2016)

In a stunning reversal of all expected results of the 2016 U.S. Presidential race, it seems write-in candidate and former New York Governor Thomas E. Dewey, a Republican Governor famous for his two failed Presidential bids against Democrat Franklin Delano Roosevelt in the 1940s, has secured the 270 electoral college votes required to clench the office of United States President from both Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton AND Republican candidate Donald J. Trump, according to sources other than just the Chicago Daily Tribune this time.

Dewey, who died from a heart attack in 1971, was originally introduced as a possible write-in candidate for this year’s election by several popular social media outlets and blogs as a joke, but rapidly became a legitimate Presidential choice for 2016, appearing on the ballot in 48 of 50 states plus the District of Columbia, after gaining widespread grassroots support in the face of two extremely unpopular candidates elected in the primaries by both major American political parties.

“We initially rejected Thomas Dewey as a possible choice for the U.S. Presidential race when his supporters first began to approach us,” one unnamed Board of Elections official for the state of New Jersey reported off the record to CBC News reporter Michael Hamden earlier this week, “but the requests to add him to the ballot just kept coming in.  People loved his hard stance on organized crime, and success in prosecuting infamous mobster ‘Lucky Luciano’ as District Attorney of New York County.  They said to themselves ‘This is the kind of man who should be President of the United States.’  After a while, we just couldn’t take all the phone calls and hand-written letters, so we added him to the ballot.  We didn’t actually expect him to win.”

Each earning an even split of 109 electoral votes a piece, Republican candidate Donald Trump and Democrat candidate Hillary Clinton individually conceded to Dewey shortly after confirmation that he had reached a projected total of 276 electoral votes shortly after 3 am Eastern Standard Time this morning.

“We were shocked.” one unnamed Clinton staffer reported to blog NewsNow shortly after Hillary Clinton’s short concession speech.  “We would have understood losing to Trump, as he is at least as alive and breathing as Ms. Clinton, but losing to a deceased Republican Presidential candidate from the 20th Century?  You really can’t guess these kinds of things in politics ahead of time.”

“Wait, there was an election last night?” current Vice President of the United States, Joe Biden, added, after wandering into Clinton Campaign Headquarters by accident while attempting to find a McDonalds serving all night breakfast in the area.  “Who won?  Let me guess, Barack, right?  Wait, am I Vice President again?”

While Hillary Clinton is reported by close personal friends to have taken the news relatively well, only ordering the execution of less than half of her most trusted campaign advisors after reluctantly admitting defeat to Thomas Dewey, multiple media outlets are reporting Donald Trump may not be faring as well, psychologically, with the unexpected defeat.

“He hasn’t stopped eating taco bowls since the concession speech.” Joey Hargrave, producer for Trump’s now cancelled new documentary series “Winning At Everything – The King/President Donald J. Trump Story”, expected to air back-to-back on Fox News for the first 72 hours after the final election results came in, reported to a drooling husk slightly resembling Chris Matthews from MSNBC around 6 am Eastern Standard Time this morning.  “He just says keeps repeating ‘The votes haven’t all been counted yet.  I’ve got to eat more taco bowls.’ over and over again.  I think he’s thrown up at least six or seven times, but he just keeps eating…”

“He’s also barricaded several of the doors in his study with pillows,” Joey Hargrave admitted to the Chris Matthews-esque zombie a few minutes later, while MSNBC’s ratings of the live coverage rapidly fluctuated between one and two television viewers.  “He texted me a picture saying ‘I told you I would build a wall.  Let’s see them cross the border into my office now!’  I really don’t think the man is well…”

While many news outlets are focusing on the reaction of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump to Thomas Dewey’s election as America’s first Necromantic-American President, fewer outlets investigated the effect such a startling turn of fortune is having on other “dark horse” candidates such as Independent candiate Evan McMullin or Libertarian Party choice for President, Gary Johnson.  In fact, as of the time of this article’s publication, no attempt had been made by any news outlet, including our own, to gauge Mr. McMullin or Mr. Johnson’s reactions to Thomas Dewey’s victory, nor those of Green Party Candidate, Jill… Somebody.  This will likely continue to be the case.

Rumors that, due to an accidental deletion of the email sent to advise her of this by Democratic Party officials, defeated candidate Hillary Clinton is actually yet unaware of her loss to Thomas Dewey, and simply executed a portion of her campaign staff for sheer entertainment value, are, as of yet, unsubstantiated.  Rumors that crazed Dewey supporters are frantically trying to hook up a Tesla Auto-Pilot device to the corpse of Thomas Dewey in order to animate him in time for his Presidential inauguration are, also, unconfirmed at this time, but line up with other surfacing reports involving failed attempts to revive him using a red-colored feather dubbed a “Phoenix Down” and a lightning-powered contraption constructed by a technologically-gifted ardent fan of Mary Shelley.

In a bizarre violation of precedent, Dewey himself remains silent on his victory, and has offered no acceptance victory even after winning the 270+ electoral college votes needed to earn the title Leader of the Free World.  Presumed Vice Presidential electee Earl Warren has remained similarly quiet, despite being named as a possible replacement for Antonin Scalia in the U.S. Supreme Court, assuming Scalia cannot reclaim the seat himself after being equipped with a Tesla Auto-Pilot.

 

[SATIRE] Teen Installs Tesla AutoPilot into Delorean; Disappears at 88 MPH

(Original Post: July 7, 2016)

In yet another shocking report revealed today by Tesla Motors concerning their experimental, self-driving “AutoPilot” system, officials in the small town of Hill Valley, California have confirmed the disappearance of one Martin J. McFly in what has been described as “a brilliant flash of otherworldly light leaving two tire tracks of fire extending forward on the road along the projected path of his vehicle”. Mr. McFly, a local delinquent with a history of assault convictions due to what several prosecutors have called a “hair trigger temper instantly ignited by the utterance of the common name for domesticed poultry”, had reportedly come across a Tesla AutoPilot system during a short-lived part time job at a mechanic’s shop, and, on a dare, installed the AutoPilot into a neighbor’s classic Delorean DMC-12 sedan before taking the then stolen vehicle on a brief, computer-guided joy ride.

Mr. McFly’s parents are grief-stricken about his disappearance just over a week ago today, but have refused to give up hope that their boy will someday return to them.

“I just know Marty’s still alive out there somewhere…” his mother, Mrs. McFly babbled, while stuffing her face with a handful of gravy-covered mashed potatoes from a popular fast food restaurant before washing the starchy appetizer down with a glass of cheap wine. “I got a post card from him the other day. Postmarked 1985. I don’t really understand that part, but the point is that my boy is still doing fine, living his life somewhere near… what appears to be a working clock tower, although the photo’s kind of grainy.”

“I’d say it was actually Hill Valley,” his mother added, “but our clock tower hasn’t worked in years.”

Reporters have attempted to interview the owner of the stolen Delorean, a local scientist and inventor, Doctor Emmett Brown, but our sources report that Hill Valley officials ended this line of investigation due to “Mr. Brown’s clearly declining mental state”.

“GREAT SCOTT! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS???” Mr. Brown screamed obliviously into our reporter’s face as she attempted to interview him earlier this morning concerning Mr. McFly’s sudden disappearance. “NO… NO… I DON’T WANT TO KNOW. I CAN’T KNOW. ANY LITTLE PIECE OF INFORMATION YOU GIVE ME COULD CAUSE A TEMPORAL PARADOX THAT THREATENS TO TEAR A HOLE IN THE FABRIC OF THE SPACE/TIME CONTINUUM! OR WORSE, YOUR ADVISING ME OF THE PAST, COULD CAUSE OUR TIMELINE TO VEER OFF INTO AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE, WHERE THE ACTOR, RONALD REAGAN, IS ACTUALLY ELECTED PRESIDENT. AND WHO KNOWS HOW THAT WOULD EFFECT THINGS? THIS ISN’T GOOD. THIS ISN’T GOOD. I’VE GOT TO GO BACK! DON’T YOU AGREE, EINSTEIN? I’VE GOT TO GO BACK NOW!”

“Um… Go where?” our reporter then asked nervously, reaching anxiously for the small can of mace hidden somewhere deep within her purse beneath a couple recently purchased CDs from a band called “The Starlighters”.

“WHAT? YOU STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND? WHY, BACK TO THE FUTURE, OF COURSE!”

At this point, our reporter immediately terminated the interview, fearing for her safety as a result of Mr. Brown’s clearly aggitated and incoherent mental state, and running for the door as quickly as possible before driving off in one of our news vans also at ironically about 88 MPH.

Hill Valley officials say the search for Mr. McFly’s current whereabouts is ongoing, but advise the public not to automatically assume the Tesla AutoPilot system is to blame before the completion of their full investigation.

“It is clear that Delorean DMC-12s do not usually disappear into thin air in the middle of shopping mall parking lots while leaving nothing but a spinning ‘OUTATIME’ vanity plate and trails of sparks and flame on the ground behind them.” Local police chief James Strickland was quoted this morning during a formal press conference on the subject. “Nonetheless, we have learned that Mr. McFly had recently gotten involved in betting on horse races, so we are continuing to investigate this and other angles until Mr. McFly’s whereabouts can, at last, be confirmed.”

“He may also be operating under the alias of ‘Calvin Klein’.” Chief Strickland later added.

When a reporter from BBC News asked if there were any updates on a similar case involving a Tesla AutoPilot system being installed in 1960s London police box held by a collector in Hill Valley before the makeshift transportation device also disappeared without a trace. Mr. Strickland’s only reply was that “The Master” would not allow him to speak on the topic any further. The press conference was then abruptly terminated, and all attendees were advised to watch out for statues going home.