Timothy Gibbings – The Eye of Zatara

[SATIRE] Donald Trump Boycotts “The Falcon and the Winter Soldier” – Says MCU Should Focus on “Making Captain America Great Again”

(Original Post: March 26, 2021)

Port Vila, Vanuatu – According to an exclusive report obtained by senior investigator for CBC News, Michael Hamden, former U.S. President Donald Trump has officially boycotted the new Disney+ original series, “The Falcon and the Winter Soldier”, claiming Disney should instead focus on “Making Captain America Great Again” by creating a new series starring the MCU’s Captain America, Steve Rogers, as portrayed by actor Chris Evans.

“The Falcon and the Winter Soldier are side characters. Losers!” Donald Trump explained, while relaxing on the golden throne he built in a mansion in the heart of the small Pacific island nation of Vanuatu, as Hamden interviewed him. “Disney should focus on winners, like the original Avengers, and especially, my favorite Avenger, Captain America. You know when I was a kid, I had a solid gold Captain America action figure my parents bought for me? I used to play with it all day, until a reporter from CNN came over to my house and stole it from me because he hates America.”

“I think we’re getting a little off topic…” Hamden interjected, scratching his head as he tried to make sense of the notes he had written down thus far.

“Yes, of course, like I was saying, the Falcon can fly. So what? I have five gold-plated private jets that I can fly in whenever I want. That doesn’t make me a superhero. I AM a superhero, but it isn’t only because I can fly.” Donald Trump explained, while eating a Taco Bowl flown over to him from the cafeteria in Trump Tower using one of his aforementioned golden jets, a little cheese spilling from the Taco Bowl on the orange-colored ‘Trump Man’ costume he was wearing. “And the Winter Soldier? Some guy with a rough life who fights with a metal arm? Boo hoo, I had a rough life too! I mean, come on, Superman would have a field day with this joker. I think even Joe Biden could beat him in a fight, and he lost to Vladimir Putin a few days ago after falling down some stairs again!”

“So, you’re boycotting the series?” Mr. Hamden jumped in, trying to keep Donald Trump on topic. “And I assume you’re encouraging your followers both here and in the United States to do the same?”

“Of course! Honestly, I had a great Twitter post all planned out to really ‘rally the troops’, so to speak, and put a little fire under the Disney CEO’s feet. But, then, I remembered that horrible thing that happened when all those Unamerican liberals at Twitter got scared and decided to ban me.” Donald Trump continued, holding out his phone to show the inappropriate Tweet he had all typed out in his Twitter app that refused to post even after multiple presses of the “Submit” button. “Obviously, Twitter’s in bed with Disney, just like they are with the Dominion voting machines. So sad! Just wait until I start my own social media company. I’d like to see them try to ban me from that! They can’t – in fact, I’ll ban them! Twice, even!”

As Donald Trump’s interview with Michael Hamden continued on for… quite some time… after this point, Jeremy Renner, the actor who plays Avengers character “Hawkeye” in the MCU, shared some harsh words of his own about the new Disney+ series in a quick sitdown interview with SLNC News’ Timothy Gibbings in Los Angeles.

“Look, HAWK-Eye. It’s in my name. I’m supposed to be the main bird-themed hero in the Marvel Cinematic Universe!” Renner ranted angrily, fiddling dangerously with an actual working longbow in his hand that was aimed just to the left of Timothy Gibbings. “DC has Hawk-MAN, and Marvel has Hawk-EYE. I’m Hawk-EYE. Where’d this Falcon guy even come from? Some side character from one of the Captain America movies? I fought in New York against the Chitauri! I’m one of the original Avengers, for Stark’s sake! Now he and Bucky have this fancy new series, and no one’s going to even want to watch my MCU show when it comes out! Hey, it’s… It’s… It’s still coming out, right? You haven’t heard anything about that, huh?”

“Um…” Timothy Gibbings paused, watching the longbow pointed extremely close to his left side very carefully. “Everything’s fine as far as I know…”

Even the Atlanta Falcons seemed annoyed at their name being used for an up-and-coming major MCU hero without their team being involved in the show’s production at all. Teaming up with the same swarm of actual peregrine falcons that went after the Patriots following the Falcons’ overtime loss to them in Super Bowl LI, they attempted to ambush and abduct series stars Anthony Mackie and Sebastian Stan outside a cast party for the show near a busy Los Angeles intersection only to be overpowered by two working Iron Man suits that Elon Mask had gifted the two actors with after the successful reception of their show by general audiences.

“Look, I don’t care what Donald Trump says, I don’t care what Jeremy Renner says, and I sure as heck don’t care what the Atlanta Patriots have to say about anything after losing to Tom Brady in ’17,” Anthony Mackie said in a brief comment to the Associated Press following the mass falcon attack. “‘The Falcon and the Winter Soldier’ is a good show. Maybe even a GREAT show. And while the idea of making ‘Captain America Great Again’ appeals to me, too… I think the idea of making the entire MCU great again, like it was leading up to Endgame, appeals to me even more!”

Sebastian Stan quietly added a final comment.

“Also, Mephisto, the X-Men, and Galactus all show up in the show’s final episode.” Stan revealed, as fanboys across the Internet exploded simultaneously into multi-colored streamers of confetti, joy, and dreams. “Just kidding! Or am I? Watch our show, and see for yourself!”

A final MCU actor, Benedict Cumberbatch, who plays “Doctor Strange” in the Marvel Cinematic Universe was also asked about “The Falcon and the Winter Soldier” and gave an “on the record” comment this afternoon to a small news service.

“I went forward in time to view alternate futures. To see all possible television shows I could watch in the next six months. I saw fourteen million, six hundred and five futures.” he explained to Internet news site, NowNews.

“In how many did you NOT watch ‘The Falcon and the Winter Soldier’?” the online reporter asked.

Benedict Cumberbatch smiled.

“None.”

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] Biden Addresses Crisis at Border – “Sky Wall” to Be Built on Northern Border to Keep Out Canadian Geese

(Original Post: March 16, 2021)

Derby Line, Vermont – Citizens on the Canadian border town of Derby Line, Vermont celebrated today as the Biden administration announced plans to begin construction on a new “Sky Wall” to help keep Canadian Geese from flying freely into our country.

“The racist right would like you to focus only on immigration across our Southern border,” Press Secretary Jen Psaki explained to reporters gathered in the White House press briefing room this morning. “Our new Pokéball initiatve helps address this problem, but the time has come to circle back to our Canadian border. Geese swarming unchecked into our country are stealing the bread from old ladies that American ducks would otherwise receive. How are these ducks supposed to feed their families?”

“I am happy to announce today,” President Biden elaborated, in a small video statement he made in-between “Afternoon Naptime #1” and “Afternoon Naptime #2” on his schedule, “That included in the recently signed COVID relief bill are funds to build the ‘Sky Wall’ needed to protect American interests on the Canadian border. This will consist of an electrified chain link fence covering nearly 6,000 miles of border equipped with motion detection speakers that quack out ‘Keep Out, Aye!’ in goose honks to any approaching Canadian immigrants. The fence will be over 10,000 feet high and will include solar panels made by our good friends in China to power the speakers. End of statement. You can stop reading the teleprompter, Joe. It just went blank. Wait, who… What… Where am I again?”

“There were many on the right and on the left who criticized the Obama administration for not addressing Canadian Goose immigration when they passed the Avian Affordable Care Act in 2010, the bill which promised free moldy bread pieces and discounted health insurance to annoying pond birds in certain low income brackets who qualify,” explained Vice President Harris in a brief sit-down interview with Timothy Gibbings from SLNC News. “The Harris Administration has now done what the Obama Administration was afraid to, constructing a glorious new ‘Sky Wall’ to guard our nation’s children from being woken up at 3 in the morning by loud obnoxious goose honking noises. We have also issued 1400 lb. stimulus breads to American ducks that have been effected by the ongoing Canadian Goose immigration crisis to help them recover financially from previous administrations’ lack of follow-through.”

“My concern is what will be done with the Canadian Geese who are already here.” Senator Ted Cruz tweeted from inside a Pokéball in Carrizo Springs, Texas. “It’s not like they’re simply going to fly south to another country or something in six months. They’re a part of the economy now. Are we going to offer them a pathway to citizenship, or are we going to round them up with some kind of Goose Nets and throw them back into Canada?”

Ted Cruz clarified his position with a following tweet.

“Personally, I hope we use the Goose Nets.”

[SATIRE] Biden Administration Offers “Pokéballs” as Solution to Migrant Housing Facilities

[March 4, 2021]

Washington, D.C. – Facing backlash for increasing the number of “kids in cages” since he took office, U.S. President Joe Biden, along with Satoshi Tajiri, the President of the Japanese video game company “Game Freak”, has announced a new solution to temporarily housing migrant children separated from their parents after crossing the southern border – storing these children electronically as data in small red and white capsule devices known as “Pokéballs”.

“While originally designed for containing elemental monsters such as the electric mouse, Pikachu, or winged fire lizard, Charizard,” Tajiri explained in an interview earlier this morning, “our recently invented real life versions of Pokéballs are as equally good at converting human beings into energy and storing them electronically as they are Pokémon, especially since Pokémon don’t exist yet.”

“No longer will we continue the Trump tradition of putting children in cages!” Biden declared triumphantly to a small gaggle of reporters later in the afternoon. “Instead, we will store children in Pokéballs, and put the Pokéballs in the cages! Win, win!”

“Building Pokéballs just to contain children. That’s sad.” former U.S. President Donald Trump shook his head, during a brief conversation on the topic with CBC News reporter Michael Hamden today. “That money could go to better things. Greater things. American things. Like more cages. Children love cages. They’re like little hotels to them. Stick a tiny TV in there, and they’re good for weeks at a time. I usually have the TVs play ‘The Apprentice’ on loop. Don’t want to risk them watching CNN and getting brainwashed by fake news, after all.”

“Kids love Pokémon.” Biden shrugged, when asked how he came up with the idea for the new policy, while sitting down in the prison that is his portion of the White House, with SLNC News Reporter, Timothy Gibbings, while Kamala Harris stood watch outside to make sure the U.S. President didn’t try to sneak out the window again today. “So, I figure, why not treat kids LIKE Pokémon. I’m told they’ll be computer files while in the Pokéballs, so they won’t remember a thing anyway. Not even my hairy legs.”

“When will you begin implementation of the new policy?” Mr. Gibbings asked, trying to get the President’s attention away from a game of Mario Kart he was getting rather involved in on his White House Nintendo Switch.

“Huh? What? Oh, we have already!” the President announced with a smile, before firing a series of red turtle shells at an online player by the name of “BarackYourWorld” but somehow missing with all of them. “The good thing about Pokéballs, I’m told, is you can carry them on a belt on your waist. If you hit something with them, the Pokéball automatically opens to catch them, converting them into computer whatsit. I had a bunch of Border Patrol guys hang around the Alamo and throw Pokéballs at every kid they could see. Caught a bunch of them already! Sent them straight to Carrizo Springs…”

“The Alamo’s not on the border. It’s more of a tourist haven for Americans.” Mr. Gibbings raised an eyebrow at the President.

“Oh…” Biden cocked his head funny, before focusing back on his game of Mario Kart. “That explains all the phone calls I got today.”

Deployment of the new devices at the Alamo aside, many Americans on both sides of the aisle have shown approval of the new policy of storing kids as computer information inside small spherical devices of dubious technology rather than keep them in what were called during Trump’s presidency “cages” but which are now being called “migrant facilities”. However, several prominent voices, both Democrat and Republic alike, have been vocal in their criticism of the new policy.

“Using Pokéballs to corral immigrating children without also giving them at least a $24 minimum wage while in the Pokéballs is a compromise, a deep one.” said Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez shortly before the printing of this article. “I am utterly embarrassed we are even having this conversation about storing children in computerized devices based on Nintendo video games without at least a $24 minimum wage for them also being discussed. Also, I was nearly killed by a Pokéball thrown at me by Ted Cruz last week, so, frankly, I’m not big on supporting such Conservative-friendly technology to begin with.”

“You know good and well I was in Cancun last week.” Ted Cruz replied in a quick social media livestream to Ocasio-Cortez. “My wife said, ‘Ted, it’s your turn to take the trash out tonight, isn’t it?’ and, bam, before she knew it, Cancun. I flew back later that night, but, when I got home, the temperature was below 100, which is very low for Texas, so I hopped right back on my private jet, and flew down to Mexico again. I’d probably be down there right now, honestly, but I stopped in San Antonio to spend some time admiring how beautiful the Alamo is this time of year. Wait, what is that strange man throwing at me? Some kind of… red and white baseball?”

After that, Ted Cruz’s feed cut out.

Despite objections from some on both sides about his Pokéball policy, President Biden is moving forward with immediate implementation of the sweeping changes, equipping every Border Patrol agent and some police officers named Jenny with a full belt of Pokéballs to be used to contain those that would otherwise be thrown into “migrant facilities”.

Those already in facilities are being given the option to stay in their current lodgings, or move into a Pokéball. Sources close to the “Eye of Zatara” have revealed, however, that most have chosen to abandon reality for Pokéballs after their TVs that previously played “The Apprentice” on loop have been switched to playing The CW’s “Batwoman” instead.

[SATIRE] Biden to Keep “Space Force”, Also Announces “MySpace Force” to Guard Americans Against “AOL Chat Rooms”

[February 23, 2020]

Washington, D.C. – In an unexpected announcement, U.S. President Joe Biden revealed in a press conference this morning that not only will he be continuing to add the “Space Force” to the U.S. armed forces, as initiated by the Trump administration, but will also be adding another new military branch known as the “MySpace Force”, in order to combat “misinformation” and “foreign government interference” targeting the population through “hip, new” social media outlets like “MySpace” and “AOL chat rooms”.

“In the digital age, we have to fight our enemies on the field of technology.” the President explained, while clearly reading what he was saying off of notes scribbled on the inside of his right hand with blue pen. “And so, to prevent foreign… wait, what does that say? Horse? Worse?”

“That’s ‘Wars’…” the Vice President leaned in and whispered into the 46th President’s ear.

“Bratwurst? No, thank you, I’m not hungry.” Biden continued, now abandoning his script entirely. “Ok, listen, People, we gotta band together to protect our folks in the red, white, and blue from Commie bullies using Yahoo! search engines and LiveJournals to target our kids. To that end, the MySpace Force will be established to train digital soldiers to fight… What was I saying again? Where am I? Wait, no, get away, Kamala, I remember. To fight the wars of the future on popular social media platforms like Myface, Spacebook, YouChat, and SnapTube. It’s for the children, gosh darn it!

While most reporters simply bowed at the President’s feet in awe in response to his historic announcement, one asking him what flavor of ice cream he thinks will be the favorite of soldiers in the MySpace Force, intern reporter Michael Hamden, Jr. from CBC News was not so elated.

“Wait, is this in addition to the ‘Voltron Force’ you said would be joining the Space Force last week?” Hamden Jr. asked, as the the President leaned down to respectfully sniff the hair of each reporter gathered at his feet one at a time. “The one that you said would be building ‘multi-colored lion-shaped robots’ that can combine together to form ‘Voltron, Defender of the Universe’ and fight Russians with its ‘Lion Torches’ and ‘Blazing Sword’? Also, isn’t that all from a cartoon from the 80’s?”

“Clearly, the President was joking about the Voltron Force…” Vice President Harris replied, stepping quickly up to the press conference podium to glare down the inexperienced CBC News reporter.

“Wait, I said that?” Biden chimed in unexpectedly. “That sounds like a great idea! Let’s do that instead, Kamala!”

“No, Joe, you don’t mean that…” the Vice President placed a firm hand on the President’s shoulder, increasing the pressure with a smile.

“Ow, not again! My leg! You’re breaking my leg!” Biden shouted, while flailing his arms frantically. “Somebody, call Corn Pop! I need back-up!”

“What the President means is that in addition to fixing the ‘Space Force’ debacle left to us by the criminal administration that preceded us,” the Vice President spoke to Hamden, Jr. calmly, but in a tone that scared him to the very core of his being, “We will also be investigating social media’s influence on our elections, especially as used by foreign powers to brainwash potential voters into believing things about our candidates and elections that are simply not true. That is what the President means by a ‘MySpace Force’, as he calls it. What quaint euphemisms he speaks in, doesn’t he? We are not, of course, making this a branch of the armed forces. That would be silly.”

“…we’re not?” the Vice President asked, trying unsuccessfully to sniff the Vice President’s hair while being held by her grip on his shoulder.

“No.”

As talking heads on American news networks fiercely debated the idea of adding a “MySpace Force” to the armed services, or to the U.S. government in general, former U.S. President Donald Trump announced he would be adding a “Space Force”, a “MySpace Force”, AND a “Voltron Force” to the military of the country of Vanuatu, which he is now the allegedly elected leader of.

“Joe wants to do good things for the country. I could believe that. But his Vice President won’t let him. So sad.” Donald Trump explained to SLNC News’ chief reporter, Timothy Gibbings, a few hours ago from Vanuatu’s capital of Port Vila. “But I’m President of Vanuatu now, and we’re going to ‘Make Oceania Great Again.’ How can we make Oceania great again? By controlling space, controlling social media, and also by creating lion-shaped robots to guard our wonderful Vanuatu oceans from liberals and terrorists – which are the same thing, by the way – in fact, it was just this morning that I was talking to the former President of Vanuatu before me who is now my butler, and I said ‘Moses, how can we make the world a safer place?’ And after crying about losing to me ‘unconstitutionally’ in an ‘election that didn’t happen’, he said something about hoping I was eaten by wild animals, and it hit me… we won’t just make lion robots to guard the oceans around Vanuatu – we’ll make tiger robots, too! Everyone knows that tigers can beat lions in a fight, hands down. They’re winners. Like me. Our lion and tiger robots will be better than anything that any President of Vanuatu OR the United States has made before me. I guarantee it.”

President Biden was scheduled to appear in a follow-up press conference on the ‘MySpace Force” later this evening, but it has been postponed indefinitely due to the President being “all tied up today”. Some visitors to the White House around this time reported hearing “Let me out, Kamala!” ringing through the halls near the residence portion of the mansion, but their Twitter accounts were banned when they tried to post about it.

[SATIRE] Ousted Bill O’Reilly Announces New “Killing” Series Book – “Killing My Career”

[Original Post: May 1, 2017]

New York, NY – Exactly one week after his abrupt ousting from the 8 pm time slot on the Fox News Channel, Republican news commentator Bill O’Reilly has announced the first major step in his unexpected career transition by moving up the timetable of his next mostly ghost written book, another in his recent series of “Killing” books which documents the death or downfall of a major historical person or party in the ever heart-stirring words of the charismatic and articulate Martin Dugard, (no, I don’t know who that is, either), his next likely New York Times bestseller apparently focusing on the public downfall of Mr. Bill O’Reilly himself, with the title “Killing My Career: How the No Spin Zone Spun Out Into the End Zone”.

Shortly after announcing his next work on social media, Bill O’Reilly sat down with CBC News veteran reporter Michael Hamden for an impromptu interview, in which he discussed both his departure from the Fox News Channel and his upcoming new book… sort of.

“I have no intention to bloviate, but I am a jocund, erudite intellectual possessing a clear and overwhelming conglomeration of sapience. The cretins spreading delusive canards like a cudgel against my character are but anserine, obtuse rogues and chimeras who impugn my transcendent excellence armed with but rumors and bavardage. I am no incubus.” Bill O’Reilly explained to a somewhat bewildered-looking Michael Hamden. “In time, those varlets will reveal themselves as charlatans, and my true chivalry and sagacity will eminate prominently throughout this planetoid once again.”

“Uh… what?” Michael Hamden asked with a puzzled look on his face, quickly pulling up a dictionary on his cell phone while Mr. O’Reilly re-ordered his last statement and spoke again.

“They cavil against me, those peevish eldritch ninnyhammers!” Bill O’Reilly clarified (or halfway attempted to), as Michael Hamden looked cluelessly at him as if he were speaking an entirely different language than the veteran reporter. “Vexation! This is not arcane fandangle! I am not a blatherskite! Are you acting the farceur to infuriate me?”

“Ninnyhammer… that’s one of the four monthly vocabularly words on your BillOReilly.com website this month. Are you… just using as many big words as possible to avoid answering my questions about the sexual harassment charges against you?” Michael Hamden asked, raising a suspicous eyebrow against the former master of the “No Spin Zone”, attempting to decipher Bill’s last comment using various references pulled up on his phone. “Blatherskite… ‘A bloviator who goes on and on without making sense’. That’s a ‘Word of the Day’ from March. You’re literally just using all these unnecessary big vocabularly words from your website, aren’t you?”

“Uh… culture war. Old school. Um… Talking Points Memo?” Bill O’Reilly mumbled incoherently before running out of the CBC News studio as quickly as he could. “PRODUCER, CUT HIS MIKE!!!”

A second interview between Michael Hamden and ghost writer of Mr. O’Reilly’s new “Killing” series book, Martin Dugard, was fortunately a little bit more enlightening.

“Why’d he choose to write a book about himself this time?” Mr. Dugard asked, quickly confirming Michael Hamden’s question for him before answering. “Well, Why do you think? So far he’s written books about the ‘Killing’ of George S. Patton, three popular American Presidents, the entire nation of World War II era Japan, and Jesus Christ, the Son of God. Even before being fired from Fox, the only person Bill could think of to write about on the same level as figures like Lincoln and Kennedy is, of course, in his mind – himself. Can you imagine spending every day working with a guy like that?”

Michael Hamden frowned, glancing at the Programming Director of CBC News watching his interview with Martin Dugard through a nearby window looking into Hamden’s office before looking back at Mr. Dugard.

“No, I can’t… Not at all.”

While overwhelmingly high pre-orders of his newly announced “Killing My Career” book have assured Bill O’Reilly’s continued presence in the public spotlight for several years to come, his departure from Fox News has led to other positive developments for several other Republican and conservative commentators still employed by the Fox News network.

“So, you bought a giant money vault on a hill with a golden dollar sign hanging on the outside in which to fill with a literal swimming pool of gold coins to kick and splash around in?” SLNC News reporter Timothy Gibbings asked new 8 PM time slot inhabitant, Tucker Carlson, the opinionist namesake of Fox News Channel’s new and popular “Tucker Carlson Tonight” show.

“Yes, what else would I do with the literal building worth of gold coins given to me by Fox News for anchoring their new weekday primetime line-up?” Tucker asked Timothy Gibbings while wielding his trademark, somewhat blank “What’s wrong with you?” stare.

“O…k…” Timothy Gibbings blinked uncomfortably, not even sure what to do with this interview going further, and unknowingly mumbling something about Trump being Hitler as a nervous twitch inherited from his recent, cult-like mainstream media “induction ceremony” upon joining SLNC News six months prior.

“Did you just compare Trump to Hitler?” Tucker asked, cocking his head slightly to the side in a convicting manner, having heard Timothy Gibbings’ quiet whispers with his nearly superhuman hearing.

“Uh… no, I said Trump works for Putin.” Gibbings caught himself with another quick, instinctual mainstream media comeback. “Yes, I said Trump works for Putin. That’s what I said. And he didn’t go to the recent White House Correspondents’ Dinner, either. Or pay any of his taxes last year. What a tool, huh? Total fascist, that one.”

Tucker Carlson blinked in feigned miscomprehension.

“And what does that have to do with my giant wasteful building of gold coins I swim in like old Scrooge McDuck from the classic Disney cartoon show, ‘Duck Tales’?”

“Uh…”

Several debate points later, Timothy Gibbings was on the floor crying like a baby, and Tucker Carlson had his lead segment for the next airing of “Tucker Carlson Tonight”. Smelling blood in the water, Bill O’Reilly immediately announced the next book in his “Killing” series to be published in a mere two months from now, immediately after the public release of “Killing My Career”, this one called “Killing Timothy Gibbings: The Obvious Bias of the Mainstream Media Exposed”, a book title which immediately swept Mr. O’Reilly up into another big legal controversy, led by several high-paid lawyers for both SLNC News and for the now somewhat desheveled and tear-stained Timothy Gibbings, but also successfully managing to triple online pre-orders of both “Killing My Career” and “Killing Timothy Gibbings” by his die-hard followers and fans.

Mr. O’Reilly’s only official comment regarding the new legal controversy regarding his “Killing Timothy Gibbings” book was to publicly call Mr. Gibbings a “snowflake”. When asked what he meant by this, Mr. O’Reilly merely smiled and told Mr. Gibbings’ lawyers they’d need to get a BillOReilly.com premium membership in order to find an answer to that. He then handed each of them a signed copy of one of his books for being “fair and balanced” before breaking down crying at their feet.

[SATIRE] Obama Admits to Wiretapping Trump Tower, But Only to Record Inbound Prank Calls to Trump

(Original Post: March 6, 2017)

Washington, D.C. – Capitol Hill is in a stir today as seemingly unsubstantiated claims by President Trump over the weekend that Trump Tower had been wiretapped by agents in the Obama administration during his run for Presidency have apparently been confirmed by former President Obama, but with a strange caveat. Apparently, the only calls wiretapped from Trump Tower were inbound prank calls made by Obama officials to Donald Trump they wanted to “post to YouTube someday” because “[they’re] freaking hilarious”.

“Yeah, we’re sorry about not getting a warrant or anything, but, Man, once you hear the prank calls, you’re going to be laughing so much, you aren’t even going to care!” President Obama explained to veteran CBC News reporter, Michael Hamden, in a quick interview at Martha’s Vineyard yesterday. “Me and Joe were rolling on the floor laughing so loud the Secret Service rushed in, thinking we’d been attacked or something. Sorry, agents Jackson and Carlisle, even the Leader of the Free World can’t always stop the funny from spilling out.”

While sources close to Donald Trump were apparently very skeptical of the Obama administration’s admissions, at first, continuing to stick by their unprecedented claim that all calls to and from Trump Tower had been wiretapped by President Obama, not just those related to prank calls (despite failing to offer even a single shred of hard evidence to support their assertion), Vice President Joe Biden has apparently stepped in to defend President Obama’s claims, leaking several of the former Commander-in-Chief’s wiretapped calls to the SLNC News Network, which aired them this morning during their 6 am news program, “Silence and Friends”. Since then, transcripted copies of the calls have been provided to a variety of media sources, including “The Eye of Zatara”. Several of the transcripted calls are included, word for word, below:

(October 10th)
[OBAMA]: “Hey, is this Trump Tower?”
[TRUMP]: “Um, yeah, this is Donald Trump. Can I help you with something? Chop, chop, I’m in a hurry today. Lots of things to do in my pink work bathrobe, you know.”
[OBAMA]: [Laughing in the Background.] Yeah, this is, um… Brett O’Connor from the EPA. We just wanna see if your refrigerators are running there in Trump Tower?”
[TRUMP]: “What? Are you serious? Of course they are. How else would we make the best taco bowls, like we do at Trump Tower Grill?”
[OBAMA]: [More Laughing in the Background.] (Whispered) “Here, Joe, you do the punchline. You do it better.”
[BIDEN] “Um, ok, yes, this is Brett O’Connor again. So, the refrigerators ARE running? Ok, well, um, good job destroying the environment, you electricity-guzzling, coal-loving Republican teabagger!” [Loud phone-slamming sound as call is abruptly disconnected.]
[TRUMP]: “What the… (Censored)? [Call disconnects.]”

***
(November 1st)
[BIDEN]: “Um, yes, this is Moe Griden from the FBI. We’re looking into the disappearance of a one Prince Albert from, um… the nation of Albertistan? We heard you have him in a can somewhere in Trump Tower – is that true?”
[PELOSI]: (Whispered from Background.) Hey, let me do this one here. Here, give me the phone. I can take it over from here.
[TRUMP]: “What’s that? Is this Melania? Honey, I told you to stop the drinking. You don’t make any sense when you drink.”
[PELOSI]: (Whispered) Trust me. I’ve got this. (Normal Volume.) “Well, you better go catch him! Oh, crap, I think I messed it up.” [Call disconnects.]

***
(December 11th)
[OBAMA]: “Hey, is this Trump Tower? Is your refrigerator still running?”
[TRUMP]: “Oh, not this again. Look, I’ve got Flynn and Putin on the other line in a Conference Call, can we do this another time already?”
[OBAMA]: “(Censored) You!” [Loud phone-slamming sound as call is abruptly disconnected.]
[TRUMP]: “YOU’RE FIRED! YOU HEAR ME? WHOEVER YOU ARE, WHEREVER YOU ARE, YOU ARE FIRED! EVEN IF I HAVE TO SPEND MY WHOLE FORTUNE DOING IT, I’M GOING TO TRACK WHOEVER YOU ARE DOWN, BUY WHATEVER COMPANY YOU BELONG, AND MAKE ABSOLUTELY SURE YOU DON’T HAVE A JOB THIS TIME NEXT MONTH. YOU HEAR ME, YOU LITTLE PUNK? YOU CROSSED THE WRONG LOUD, MEGALOMANIACALLY-MINDED MILLIONAIRE! DECEMBER IS GOING TO BE YOUR LAST FULL MONTH OF EMPLOYMENT IN THIS COUNTRY… OR ANYWHERE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER!” [Call disconnects.]

“To be fair, he kind of followed through with that threat.” Joe Biden added, in an interview with SLNC News’ Timothy Gibbings earlier today, after the above audio clip was played on Gibbings’ news show, “Racquetball with Timothy Gibbings”, that airs five times a day on SLNC News’ failing left-leaning television network. “I still don’t think he realized who it was that had been calling him until I left my YouTube channel open on Barack’s computer on our way out of the White House in January. Right now, the video’s still set to Private, so he wouldn’t have found it otherwise.”

“Wait, you mean, you’ve already technically posted all this to YouTube?” Timothy Gibbings asked, his eyebrow raising sharply as a clear indication of either shock or stroke.

“Yeah, what’s wrong with that?” Joe asked, somewhat confused, while eating a $70 steak out of his famed Vice Presidential lunch pail right in front of the semi-popular SLNC news anchor. “How else am I going to get Subscribers?”

“Um… well… that’s um… interesting. Very, um… wow. Ok, let me ask you a more sane question, then, if I could, Mister Former Vice President.” Timothy Gibbings stuttered helplessly aloud, knowing his liberal producer wouldn’t allow him to say anything negative towards their decidedly liberal guest despite the overwhelmingly disturbing nature of his last comment, and awkwardly trying to move the interview in another direction as quickly as possible. “Did you and Barack ever wiretap anyone else while making prank calls on them like you did Candidate Trump?”

“Not that I can think of.” Former Vice President Biden answered rather quickly. “Oh, wait, Hillary once, too, but that didn’t work out too well…”

“What do you mean?” Timothy Gibbings pressed the former VP for more details.

“Well, I altered my voice a little and she kind of thought the one prank calling her was this kid who used to work for her as an intern. Jason Heeney or something.” Biden admitted, somewhat sheepishly, a little less amused by this prank than those he had made against then candidate and President-Elect Donald Trump. “The Missing Persons case was officially closed a few weeks ago, I think. The police never did figure out what happened to that boy.”

“I, um… I… I see!” Timothy Gibbings chuckled and swallowed hard, loosening his collar as his show’s producer began to glare at him angrily from the other side of SLNC News Studio 12. “And, with that, I think it’s time for a commercial break. Yes, definitely time for a break. Don’t you agree, folks?”

Racquetball with Timothy Gibbings then concluded their advertsied hour long interview with Joe Biden 30 minutes early, playing a short 10 minute compilation called “The Best of Timothy Gibbings” three more times to fill dead air after returning from an impromptu commercial in the middle of the SLNC News host’s discussion with the former Vice President of the United States about his prank calls on Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.

Faced with the new information that has come out about the very limited Obama wiretaps of Trump Tower, most senior Trump officials have now announced they are no longer pursuing this matter, but would appreciate if former Vice President Joe Biden would at least delete the relevant videos from his YouTube channel rather than opening them to public view, even for “Subscribers”. President Trump himself, however, has only buckled down on his original claim since these facts came to light, now insisting that every phone call he made from any device or location since he first joined the Presidential race was monitored and/or recorded by the Obama administration, and, furthermore, that the refrigerators in Trump Tower have very low energy usage, and, thus, are not destroying the environment as insinuated by President Obama during his prank call on Trump Tower early last October.

“The Eye of Zatara” attempted to reach out to Spokesman for the President, Sean Spicer, for further comment on this story from the White House, but he did not immediately return our calls. According to Internet news blog, NowNews, Mr. Spicer was busy today visiting a Washington, D.C. area doctor for a last minute appointment seeking a prescription for high blood pressure medication, or, alternatively, just a friendly shoulder for him to cry on, but these reports, however likely they may be, are currently unsubstantiated.

[SATIRE] Mardi Gras Signs Up for Jenny Craig Program, Tired of Being Called “Fat Tuesday”

(Original Post: February 27, 2017)

New Orleans, LA- As the people of New Orleans revel in the excitement and tradition of their favorite late February celebration, the southeastern Louisiana area holiday known as “Mardi Gras”, tired of being referred to year after year by the insulting monicker of “Fat Tuesday”, has reportedly signed up with the popular Jenny Craig weight loss program in an attempt to slim down before next year’s festivities, even going so far as to release a “soy-and-tofu-based King Cake substitute” that supposedly has most of the taste of the popular Mardi Gras dessert, but without “all those fattening carbs and sugar”.

“Everyone seems to have just gotten used to me as ‘Fat Tuesday’. Everywhere I go, people smile and wave, calling out my name like it doesn’t kill me a little inside every time they do,” Mardi Gras explained to veteran CBC News reporter, Michael Hamden, during a short interview at New Orleans’ world famous Cafe du Monde yesterday. “But, a hundred years ago, they called me ‘Skinny Tuesday’, or ‘Mardi Maigre’, until a few decades of drinking and eating King Cake made me less of a parade personality and more of a parade float. Yet, as a holiday, I’m expected to just keep smiling, and act like everything’s alright 24/7, even though my identity is shattered and I’m dying inside. Can you imagine what it’s like to live forever like that?”

“Mardi Gras beads barely fit around my neck anymore.” the overweight holiday added, rather sadly, while also trying not to drool over the delicious beignets being eaten by Michael Hamden right in front of him. “I used to be a smiling Jester bringing happiness to everyone around me once a year. Now I’m just a sad clown faking my joy decade after decade while holding in the tears. The drinking helps, but there’s not enough alcohol in Louisiana to really water down what I’m feeling inside. It took me almost a century to admit it, but I need help…”

While many have come out in support of Mardi Gras’ decision to begin a weight loss program in order to return to a healthy lifestyle, other notable celebrities have surprisingly denounced Mardi Gras’ comments for various reasons, one of the most vocal of which is on-again, off-again spokeswoman for Jenny Craig, Kirstie Alley, who is rumored to have been dropped by Jenny Craig at the end of last year after gaining one hundred pounds while on their program, and whose role as the program’s spokeswoman may, according to some reports, pass in a few months to a hopefully slimmer Mardi Gras, assuming he has success with their plan.

“Mardi Gras doesn’t really want a healthy lifestyle. He just wants people to stop calling him fat.” Kirstie Alley announced to Timothy Gibbings from SLNC News in an early interview this morning in SLNC News’ New York studio. “That’s not going to be enough to really make a permanent change in his life. Trust me, I know. If Jenny had any sense in that tiny, anorexic head of hers, she’d wait for me to slim down again, and let me make more commercials for them myself, instead of trusting her future to a freaking green and gold court jester. A freaking green and gold court jester! I mean, things have worked well enough for me and Jenny for years. Why change it now? Just because some immortal personification of a celebration has got some self-esteem problems, she’s going to throw me to the curb like yesterday’s garbage?”

Surprisingly, TV talk show host, major media personality, and founder of the OWN television channel, Oprah Winfrey, has also come out in criticism of Mardi Gras, but for very different reasons.

“It’s like my good friend, Dr. Phil, always says, ‘You gotta love yourself before you can change yourself.’ I’ve been fat, skinny, and everything in-between, sometimes fluctuating hundreds of pounds in a single week, but do you see me getting down on myself? No, I’m always me, and Mardi Gras has got to learn to love himself for who he is, too, if he ever wants to live a productive endless existence as an existential conglomeration of Louisiana festival traditions. Love yourself before you can change yourself… wait, maybe that was actually from a fortune cookie.” Oprah Winfrey trailed off, mumbling to herself a few seconds while trying to determine the actual origin of her poignant quote. “Boy, I sure could go for a fortune cookie right now. ALRIGHT, WHO’S GOT A CHINESE TAKEOUT MENU? MAMA OPRAH IS HUNGRY!”

Unfazed by the negative feedback he’s received from modern celebrities, Mardi Gras has assured the public that he is dedicated to his goal of losing weight, and hopes to return to his previous skinny self no later than the year 2027.

“It’s going to be hard to cut down on the drinking, binge eating, and riotous revelry that have come to define me as a holiday,” Mardi Gras said in a public statement released on his personal website a few hours before this article’s posting on the ‘Eye of Zatara’. “But if a tangible manifestation of beads, booze, and laughter from the heart of Fleur-de-Lis country can’t lose this kind of weight with all the many resources at my disposal as an immortal holiday, what choice do normal people have at shedding a few pounds themselves with the timelines of their short human life spans? I want to give people hope that no matter how many states require them to weigh in at Truck Stops when traveling cross country… no matter how many buffets turn off the lights and pretend to be closed when they pull into the parking lot… no matter how many donut shops and pizzerias send refrigerated trucks on scheduled deliveries to their house every morning just to serve them breakfast… they can lose weight just like I can, if they really put their mind to it, and refuse, no matter what, to give up hope that they can change.”

“Unless they’re film maker Michael Moore.” Mardi Gras later added, with a shrug, in a live video post to his website. “Hey, I want to inspire people, not make them believe the impossible.”

In a related story, Terry Bradshaw has apparently signed up with Weight Watchers in a similar attempt to slim down, after the same swarm of falcons that previously carried off New England Patriots’ quarterback Tom Brady at the end of last month’s Super Bowl attempted to abduct him the following week, but were unable to move him more than an inch or two off the ground before giving up and flying in mass to the nearest veterinary clinic for suspected hernia treatment.

[SATIRE] SAG Announces All Upcoming TV and Movie Roles to Be Filled by Jeff Goldblum; Other Actors/Actresses Too Busy with Politics

(Original Post: February 11, 2017)

In a surprising announcement by the Screen Actors’ Guild association today, starting March 1, 2017, all future television and movie roles will, for the foreseeable future, be filled exclusively by Oscar and Emmy nominated actor, Jeff Goldblum, best known for his classic roles in the “Jurassic Park” and “Independence Day” franchises. The 64-year-old Pennsylvania-born actor will be filling in for both male and female parts, using carefully-applied make-up and wardrobe modifications to align his appearance with that of the original actor or actress chosen to play the part before this announcement, imitating their speaking and acting style to the best of his ability, to make it appear as if he were really that actor or actress, albeit in a much more awkward, nerdy, and clearly Goldblumish way.

“It’s unfortunate that we had to do this, but actors and actresses are bound to a higher calling than simply that of entertainers,” Carrie Redtep of the Screen Actors’ Guild association explained to Michael Hamden, senior reporter from CBC News in an impromptu press conference late Thursday. “Until Hollywood’s actors and actresses complete the extensive work required of them for the next four years by their primary career path of political activists, they simply do not have the time or energy to spend on their side jobs as television and movie personalities. Fortunately, Mr. Goldblum, whose political beliefs are much too complicated for him to explain even using his large vocabulary and smooth, but almost incomprehensible, cadence, has agreed to step up and fill the entertainment opportunities of Hollywood’s greats until they can achieve the political success the rest of country overwhelmingly requires of them as people who play make believe for a living.”

Jeff Goldblum himself, despite being worked nearly to the bone, seems to be alright with the arrangement, calling it a “Kafkaesque metamorphosis of his career, serendipitiously driven by his subconscious Descartian declaration of self by ego, personifying himself, not unsurprisingly, in a Shakesperean employment of comedy and tragedy that rotates endlessly in Samsara, bringing phoenix-like revival to his previous Mephistophelian temptations of surrender to obscurity and allowing herald-like re-declaration of his personal inventory in a monomyth-like reinterpretation of self, akin to Odysseus’ ostentacious self-revelation on his unprophesied return to his familiar, sadly patriarchal power structure in the conclusion of Homer’s sweeping epic as generally interpreted by modern scholastic reasoning.”

As of the posting of this article, no translation to the above text has been offered by the Screen Actors’ Guild or Mr. Goldblum.

While the full details and exact duration of the total replacement of all television and movie roles by Jeff Goldblum have yet to be clarified by anyone in Hollywood outside of a vague “four to eight years – maybe less, if we get our way” timetable offered by Miss Redtep to SLNC News’ Timothy Gibbings near the end of her press conference, it is clear that the March 1st, 2017 date of its beginning is a hard start, as a new season of “Law and Order: Normal Victims Unit” in which both primary New York City detectives, their stalwart police chief, the District Attorney, the ADA, and all suspects, victims, criminals, and on-lookers will be played by Mr. Goldblum, is set to air Wednesday the 1st, beginning with a two part special in which a twisted serial killer (played by Jeff Goldblum) is randomly poisoning orders of Chinese delivery in the New York City area, resulting in the death of a sitting judge (played by Jeff Goldblum) who was the childhood mentor of Assistant District Attorney Jeff Coldwin (played by Jeff Goldblum), resulting in him starting to blur the lines of right and wrong, threatening not only to end his career as an Assistant District Attorney, but to endanger the lives of Detective Mike Endsgrove (played by Jeff Goldblum) and Detective Karrin Niyachek (played by Jeff Goldblum), who get caught up in the serial killer’s dangerous web while trying to rein in ADA Coldwin. The episode will guest star Jeff Goldblum as a conscientious and observant street performer who provides the crucial clue needed to finally track down the serial killer, ending his reign of terror and saving ADA Coldwin’s career.

During his interview with the Screen Actors’ Guild’s Carrie Redtep, Michael Hamden attempted to press the now impatient-looking PR rep for more information, but was quickly brushed off as Miss Redtep exited into a large, black, stretch limousine waiting parked for her on a nearby curb and honking.

“I’d like to provide more information on the calling the American people have placed upon Hollywood to act as its moral center in this time of political crisis and division, but, unfortunately, I have a prior engagement.” Miss Redtep explained, while hurrying off in heels and a red, designer dress to meet her limo driver. “I’ve got advance tickets for that new, even filthier ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ sequel, so I can’t tarry, but I’ll be happy to speak to you about Hollywood’s responsibility as the all-knowing conscience of America at a later date, if you’d like to please schedule something with my Administrative Assistant.”

As of the posting of this article, no further information has been offered by Carrie Redtep, or anyone else from the Screen Actors’ Guild, to the media on the subject of Jeff Goldblum’s total assimilation of all American television and movies roles. An entertainment reporter, however, is claiming on popular news blog, NowNews, that he saw Miss Redtep leaving the theater playing her long anticipated “Fifty Shades Darker” movie Thursday night only about halfway into the flick, quickly buying a ticket for “Lego Batman” before switching films, her face as beet red as her dress. She was, unfortunately, the only viewer to do so.

[SATIRE] Patriots Defeat Falcons to Win Super Bowl – Lose to Actual Falcons in Parking Lot on Way to Hotel

(Original Post: February 6, 2017)

In a historic turnaround victory that went into overtime for the first time in Super Bowl history, the New England Patriots defeated the Atlanta Falcons 34 to 28 to claim their fifth Super Bowl victory in Super Bowl LI, despite being losing by as much as 25 points to the Falcons earlier in the game. After a riotous celebration in NRG Stadium in Houston, however, the New England Patriots left the sports arena to return home for a long, well-deserved rest in their hotel room only to be confronted in the parking lot by a cast of actual falcons bent on avenging their namesake in the NFL, swooping down on the unsuspecting players in mass like a Biblical plague.

“It was awful.” an unnamed player from the Patriots team was overheard explaining to Coach Bill Belichick several hours later once Animal Control and EMS had arrived on scene to assist with the unexpected zoological phenomenon. “There we were, exiting proudly out of the stadium as champions, Vince Lombardi Trophy in hand, when suddenly we saw what looked like a fast-moving cloud approach us from overhead. By the time we realized they were birds, we were too far away from the stadium entrance to make it back inside in time. After that, all I remember is being surrounded by feathers and talons. Feathers and talons. It was so terrible. And the screeching. No… I don’t think I’ll ever forget the screeching…”

Avian experts from across the globe have weighed in to explain the sudden, unexpected attack of what has been confirmed as nearly two thousand peregrine falcons descending at once upon the Super Bowl stadium in Houston, and viciously attacking one of the most successful NFL franchises in the history of football. Suggested causes have ranged on one hand of the scientific spectrum to unlikely but plausible instigators like global warming or habitat displacement to more radical and supernatural causes such as sorcery, telepathy, and the specific genetic breeding of “attack falcons” by anti-Patriot NFL fans unwilling to let the turnaround defeat of the Atlanta Falcons by the Patriots go unanswered.

“Well, I’m not really supposed to say things like this, but I’m pretty sure it was Lady Gaga.” Sports commentator and former NFL superstar Terry Bradshaw weighed in, in an exclusive interview with SLNC News’ Timothy Gibbings this morning. “Whatever it is that lady has become, it’s definitely not human. It wouldn’t surprise me if whatever… thing… she was doing with her body during the Halftime Show didn’t summon these birds out of whatever alternate universe of monsters that girl got her creepy blue leotard and face mask from. I’m serious about this. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I haven’t eaten in a good five minutes, and someone in Row 2, Seat 35 forgot to take their delicious hot dog with them when they left the stadium tonight.”

Terry Bradshaw then began drooling right on camera, before slipping, unknowingly, into a Homer Simpson accent.

“Mmmm… hot dog.”

While most of the details of the otherworldly falcon attack on the New England Patriots outside NRG Stadium have been more or less sorted out overnight by diligent reporters, one disturbing rumor has persisted since the incident despite any particular evidence to prove or disprove it, with Bill Belichick has thus far refusing to comment on the situation or even acknowledge the unusual question when asked directly by reporters.

“Where’s Tom Brady?” Roger Goodell was reportedly overheard saying to several of the New England Patriots players shortly after the falcon strike, while first aid kits were rushed out to the players to treat their litany of bloody, claw-shaped laceration wounds.

The players reportedly shrugged.

Since then, unconfirmed sources have posted a video to YouTube which supposedly shows the five time Super-Bowl-winning quarterback being carried away by a human-shaped mass of circling and flying peregrine falcons vaguely reminiscent in its silhouette to a skeletal, scythe-wielding Grim Reaper and cloak. The video shows the quarterback shouting desperately at the birds to let him down, before disappearing into the clouds over Houston crying “I know I wasn’t supposed to win! I know it was Atlanta’s time to shine! I remember all the warnings, and I tried my best to lose, I really did! I swear it! But, even when I’m intentionally trying to make as many bad passes and plays as possible, I’m still Tom Brady, Baby! Tom Bleeping Brady! I can’t lose even when I want to! Is another Patriots Super Bowl win really that much of an affront to nature itself?” The question went unanswered, as the supposed video of Tom Brady’s avian abduction cut off at that point. So far, no sight or sound has been heard of Tom Brady in the media since the incident, but neither has any trace of him been noticed hovering in the skies of Houston engulfed in birds, although small showers of salty, tear-like rain drops have been reported throughout the city of Houston since the falcon attack, a usual sign of Tom Brady’s presence in any given location, according to meteorologists familiar with the often weepy star quarterback.

As football fans throughout the world try to make sense of the results of Super Bowl LI, and also with the most terrifying video-recorded attack of black-winged birds since the days of Alfred Hitchcock, the Atlanta Falcons and New England Patriots are both left alone to lick their respective wounds, one figurative and one literal, each bearing the scars of one of the most interesting and eventful games in NFL history. Fans of Tom Brady may bear the biggest emotional burden right now, however, as they try to determine the whereabouts of the New England Patriots’ leading man, leaving some to take wildly to the streets of Houston tossing footballs high into the air hoping that Brady, if he’s up there, can catch them and weigh himself down enough with the balls to descend from his flying prison among the Grim Reaper of birds holding him hostage. Some have raised concern that the air in the balls may serve to counteract their purpose, however, working like balloons to only all the more keep the five time Super-Bowl-winning quarterback aloft in the warm air of Texas. Justin Hargrove, an avid Brady fan, and local Houston resident reported to CBC News he is not worried about such concerns, however, in a short interview with CBC’s Michael Hamden.

“I’m not big on science or nothing, but, frankly, I think the weight of the ball is more important to the equation here than the lightness of the air contained within it.” A possibly inebriated Mr. Hargrove explained, while brushing pork rind crumbs off of his salsa-stained lucky white Game Day T-shirt. “But, even if it DID turn out to be a problem, somehow… we all know Brady’s the kind of guy who wouldn’t have any trouble at all letting just enough air out of the balls to give him the edge he needs over the falcons.”

“I agree.” Terry Bradshaw interjected, having somehow wandered into the front lawn of Mr. Hargrove during his interview with CBC News’ Michael Hamden. “By the way, is that barbecue I smell?”

[SATIRE] President Trump Forgets to Change Toilet Paper Roll After Using Last Piece; Democratic Protesters Flood the Streets

(Original Post: February 2, 2017)

In a shocking revelation that has made even Republican politicians once strongly supportive of President Trump cringe and back away from the now beleaguered new President, an unnamed White House staff member reported in a candid whistleblower interview with SLNC News’ Timothy Gibbings this morning that after spending “an inordinate time” in the White House bathroom closest to the Oval Office last night, the 45th President of the United States used the last fragment of toilet paper from the current roll in the tissue holder next to the bathroom’s only porcelain throne, and, after only lightly washing his hands, left the bathroom for a National Security briefing he was now a few minutes late for… WITHOUT replacing the toilet paper roll he had expended for the next unsuspecting victim to his scandalous Stall of Shame to use.

“It just shows where the priorities of this new President lie,” Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer explained a few hours ago to veteran reporter Michael Hamden from CBC News. “He claims to be in favor of capitalism and the average American citizen, but he really just wants to use up all the nation’s resources for his own satisfaction, and leave the rest of us to clean up the mess ourselves… exactly like he did in the White House bathroom by the Oval Office.”

As protestors flood into the streets around the White House carrying signs bearing the slogan of “Make America’s Bathrooms Great Again”, similar protests have continued throughout the night on the campus of UC Berkeley, where Brietbart editor Milo Yiannopoulis was scheduled to make a speech, until a report appeared on popular internet news blog NowNews early yesterday afternoon that Mr. Yiannopoulis had only left a scant 5% tip at a casual dining restaurant he visited in the Berkeley area for lunch that day, despite admittedly receiving “excellent service”. Mr. Yiannopoulis attempted to explain his remarks through a series of statements issued to the protestors a few hours later, but found his poorly constructed arguments were completely unable to break the stout logical wall of “We’re going to break store front windows and burn lots of things” retorted by the linguisticly-superior liberal advocates protesting against him, an argument they made not only rhetorically, but honorably followed through with in spades.

As Donald Trump and those of the conservative or Republican persuasion face continuously increasing scrutiny from those on the left calling them Nazis while at the same time organizing violently against them, (a situation which would be very ironic if Donald Trump was not a racist, sexist, Islamophobe, reincarnated Egyptian mummy who clearly deserves whatever horrible things people say or do across the country in protest of his hatefulness, because if the lessons of Nazi Germany taught us anything, it’s definitely not that the ends don’t justify the means, right?) Republicans are already preparing themselves for the inevitable impeachment proceedings that will be required to remove President Trump from office as the scandal of his failure to replace a toilet paper roll he used the last of in the White House bathroom continues to drive the more kind and intellectual members of the American populace onto the street armed with molotov cocktails, driven by the knowledge that everything Donald Trump does, no matter how small, is in some way subconsciously motivated by his extreme white privilege, and will serve to discriminate against both women and minorities. It may also be worth noting that the White House whistleblower who reported Donald Trump’s lack of courtesy in the bathroom, when they themselves tried to use the facility immediately after the President, is a female of undisclosed minority status with a grandmother who once visited Syria. This, on top of everything else we already know about the newly-elected President, should confirm in all our minds exactly what kind of sinister man he really is.

Newly confirmed Secretary of State Rex Tillerson attempted to deploy the eXxon-Men to deescalate the violence in the protests at UC Berkeley, but they disappeared en route after being greeted by an excited Barron Trump, ten year old son of President Trump, whose middle name has recently been revealed to be “Zemo”. If the eXxon-Men do not turn up soon, whatever the cause may be behind their disappearance, Secretary Tillerson has vowed to create a new superhero team to, among other things, “Avenge” them, but has yet to disclose the name of this proposed second force of super-powered metahumans.