![[SATIRE] New PS5 Announced with Features for Most Loyal Customers – Playstation 5 “Scalper’s Edition”](http://eyeofzatara.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/02/PS5-Jim-Ryan-Announcement.jpg)
[February 17, 2020]
San Meteo, California – In an unexpected announcement today, Sony Interactive Entertainment (SIE) President Jim Ryan revealed to reporters that the newest in their popular line of video console devices, the PlayStation 5, which was first made available to the public starting November 12th of last year, already has a new streamlined and upgraded version coming out that will be releasing to the public in very limited quantities starting as soon as the end of this month.
“We here at Sony Interactive Entertainment try to be as responsive as possible to our customers’ wishes,” Mr. Ryan explained to the reporters gathered at his San Meteo Headquarters earlier this afternoon, “So, we have decided to thank these very same customers by releasing a new version of the PlayStation 5 that is specifically tailored to the needs of those who have made our new product launch such a success. As a result, the PS5-SE, or PlayStation 5 ‘Scalper’s Edition’, will be available for purchase for exactly five minutes and only for exactly five minutes on every major commercial store in the country’s website on a date to be announced to select persons on the Internet later this month.”
“The Scalper’s Edition will offer a variety of features that will help it to stand out against its normal Playstation 5 counterparts, features specifically suggested to us by the bots that have formed the bulk of Playstation 5 buyers.” Mr. Ryan continued, “This will include the ability to list itself on Craig’s List and/or Ebay with a single touch of a button on the side of the console, an official legal release from SIE absolving the purchaser of any and all legal responsibility for re-selling the PS5-SE at whatever marked up price that they wish, a box for the PS5-SE that looks like another PS5-SE and can be sold to gullible parents online who don’t know better, and a series of special ‘Lockdown’ codes that will allow the original purchaser to shut down the PS5-SE console at any given time from anywhere in the world allowing them to extort additional money from anyone they sell it to whenever they want for as long as the console is in someone else’s possession.”
“We believe these features will help the Playstation 5 to truly stand out from his major competiton, the X-Box Series X, which has not cornered as much of the scalper market as our console, and will struggle all the more to keep up with our scalper sales once these new features are added to our base PS5 product.” Mr. Ryan concluded.
Reporters were elated with the new announcement from Mr. Ryan, although most of them has no idea what a video game console was or how it worked, and immediately asked if the SIE President would take down their email addresses to notify them personally when the PS5-SE becomes available, hoping to purchase one for their children and grandchildren who were unable to obtain regular versions of the PlayStation 5 last November.
“Sure, I’ll take your email addresses.” Mr. Ryan nodded enthusiastically. “But I will definitely make sure the consoles go on sale for a while before I actually notify you, so, by the time you receive an update from me to go and buy one, they will all be in the hands of our target customer base: bot-using internet scalpers.”
Microsoft has reportedly responded to this announcement by releasing a new X-Box version of their own, the X-Box Series XRSX-X, which is exactly like the regular X-Box Series X, except it has more letters branded on the outside of the console, and actually does work as a mini-fridge when not running games.