Greetings from the only sane editor at the “Eye of Zatara”, the most reluctant affiliate of this otherworldly madness-inducing tabloid known as “The Watchman”.
Now that “The Gatekeeper “has returned from his much-too-short one week hiatus, I feel obligated by conscience to remind this blog’s unknowing victims of the sheer and utter insanity that threatens to infect them like a plague, seeping little by little into their psyche since this blog’s official opening just over four months ago, and perhaps longer for those first exposed to the Gatekeeper’s writings through association on social media.
2016 Brackets – An Objective Analysis – The Gatekeeper began his voyage into mental chaos with this nonsensical set of “brackets” for “March Madness” 2016, featuring such match-ups as St. Joseph’s Hospital versus the Cincinnati Reds and Professor Charles Xavier versus Sir Austin Lloyd Weber State. Utter nonsense.
Clinton Clinton 2016 – In this article, The Gatekeeper announces Hillary Clinton’s choice of Vice President in the 2016 election race – her husband, Bill Clinton.
Ghostbusters??? – A quick look at 2016’s Ghostbusters movie, with Dave Thomas and Jar Jar Binks as main characters, according to the picture.
Ghostbusters??? (Updated) – An even more bizarre analysis of 2016’s Ghostbusters, featuring the starship Enterprise, Casper the Friendly Ghost, and some sort of interdimensional Ronald McDonald monster.
Captain America: Yoohoo Civil War – Some sort of strange rendition of the Captain America poster with chocolate and strawberry beverages mixed into the picture?
Hadron Collider Shutdown Caused by Weasel; Officials Dismiss Reports of “Metahumans” – This one is at least somewhat true. A weasel did chew into some wiring on CERN’s hadron collider in Switzerland. I’m not sure anyone brought up metahumans other than The Gatekeeper, though…
A Mother’s Day Tribute – This is The Gatekeeper’s idea of a touching holiday moment. Oh, I wish it were as simple as it sounded…
Make America Grape Again – Back to politics, now Donald Trump is announcing the entire company behind Welch’s grape juice as his running mate, so he can “Make America Grape Again”. Whatever.
Orange You Tired of Trump? – A collection of additional images related to the last article about Republican presidential hopefuls and their company vice presidents – Tropicana Products included.
Yoohoo Civil War [A Biased and Unfair Review] – Continuing on the theme of “Captain America: Civil War” being “Captain America: Yoohoo Civil War”, here’s the first full review from The Gatekeeper’s friend, Donovan Savage, from the “American Sesquipedalian” magazine, which, as of yet, I have yet to actually confirm even exists.
Gavin Woods Announces “X-Men Origins: X-Aggerator”, First X-Men Movie About a Horse – Here’s a particularly weird one. According to The Gatekeeper, director Gavin Woods has announced the next X-Men movie to be about “X-Aggerator”, who I can only assume to be related to the Preakness winning horse “Exaggerator” from this year. You should probably skip this one.
Fallout Universe Medical Solutions, LLC – “It was like something was missing from who I used to be… That’s when my doctor told me about Psycho.” Yeah, that pretty much summarizes it all right there.
Cardassiexit – Planet Alpha Cerissius Minor IV Votes Out of the Cardassian Union – Apparently, a Star Trek planet voted itself out of the Cardassian Union, coincidentally, about the same time that “Brexit” occurred. It is amazing how The Gatekeeper’s mind works, in a very twisted way. Think Salvador Dali’s melted clocks, except those clocks are sanity itself.
Next Windows Version Cancelled After Project Lead Doesn’t Know What Comes After 10 – So, a programmer doesn’t know how to count beyond 10? Uh huh… ok. It is true that Windows is not planning to make another version of Windows for a while, and will just be sticking with Windows 10 and upgrading it. I doubt it’s because their Project Lead can’t count, however.
“Crisis of Character” and the Fox News Scandal – Ok, this one actually made me laugh a little. Heaven help me for admitting that. Apparently, Hillary Clinton hits someone with a book? Take a look for yourself if you want. After all, who really needs coherent thought? Not The Gatekeeper, clearly.
Teen Installs Tesla AutoPilot into Delorean; Disappears at 88 MPH – Apparently, this is one of The Gatekeeper’s favorite articles. Yes, the name of the teen is Martin J. McFly. You can probably figure out the rest. There may also be a “Doctor Who” reference in there somewhere.
“Pokémon Go” Announced as First Computer Virus Capable of Spreading to Human Host – So, “Pokémon Go” is a computer virus. I guess we’ve all developed antibodies, then? Sorry, that may be a little of my personal bias showing there. Forgive my unprofessionalism. Also, the Pfizer spokesman in this article is named “James Jessen”. Subtle, Gatekeeper. Subtle.
Local Crackpot Starts Nonsensical News Blog, the “Eye of Zatara” – Ah, here we go! My first article! Here is where I warned you and everyone else not to read this terrible blog before I officially accepted the position of co-editor. (Why in the world did I do that, come to think of it? It’s not like I get paid for this.) Why are you still here reading this new article? Save your sanity and hit “Back” on your browser immediately! Sigh. You’re not listening, are you?
Torch Runner Accidentally Starts a Dozen Wildfires with Olympic Flame – This was the first new article posted to the “Eye of Zatara” after its official launch on August 6th. Something about a clumsy torch runner dropping sacred Olympic fire everywhere and burning down some Brazilian villages. It’s more plausible than most things on this site, at least.
Nintendo “Out of Ideas for New Pokémon”; New Games Will Feature Old Pokémon in New Colors – I haven’t picked it up yet, but Pokémon Sun and Moon actually look pretty good to me. They’ve gotten good reviews, too. Apparently, The Gatekeeper thinks otherwise. Read his ridiculousness by clicking the link above if you dare.
Flash Season 3 Antagonist Revealed – Usain Bolt!!! – And here the Arrowverse articles begin with The Gatekeeper claiming Olympic athlete Usain Bolt is the Season 3 antagonist for The Flash. He’s certainly fast enough, that’s true, at least.
Players Excited About Upcoming Pokémon Go Feature – “Fun” – Another Pokémon Go article. This time, a little more negative than the last. There’s some sort of bickering between school kids, some comments supposedly from Niantic, a YouTube video from a real life Meowth dressed like a human – the usual irrationality from The Gatekeeper’s writing.
Arrow Season Five’s Antagonist Has “Failed Everyone” – Yes, it’s Zach Synder, the director for “Batman v. Superman – Dawn of Justice”. Did you really expect anything less from “The Eye of Zatara”?
“Star Trek: Discovery” Delayed Until May After Executive Producer Insulted by High Schooler – Apparently, adults can be bullied, too, and it’s for this reason that The Gatekeeper believes “Star Trek: Discovery” was delayed. If it ends up being anywhere near as disappointing as “Star Trek: Enterprise”, it can be delayed forever for all I care.
Blog Editor Claims Misinformation Due to Temporal Manipulation by Speedster – Here is where “The Eye of Zatara”‘s source, “DC-TV-Spoilers.Com” claims that a time travelling speedster is the reason their information about Usain Bolt and Zach Synder being the antagonists of the next seasons of Flash and Arrow was wrong. I suppose that’s also why Trump’s Vice President-Elect is no longer Welch’s Food Products, too? How convenient. Luke Cage is also mentioned here. Good show.
2016 Presidential Election Results: DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMP! – I don’t even know what to say about this one. Doesn’t that newspaper actually say “Dewey Defeats Truman”? I know it’s folded so that you can only see “Trum”, but still…
Frustrated Trump Names Actual Cabinet to Presidential Cabinet; Furniture Piece Still Derided as “Right Wing Extremist” by Media – This one’s actually rather complex. It looks like it covers everything from the Trump election backlash to the “Hamilton” cast calling out our new Vice President-Elect to Keifer Sutherland’s television career, and something about an employee at Ikea. It might be worth reading if it wasn’t so totally and utterly crazy.
Avengers: Age of Voltron [A Belated Review] – Donovan Savage is back, and, this time, he’s reviewing a movie from last year. How… topical.
Our First Sponsor – “Three Wolves” Brand Green Beans – Oh, look! Our first sponsor, driven off by The Gatekeeper immediately after affiliating themselves with us! I have no idea what all this “wolf” stuff The Gatekeeper was talking about means, but I’m sure we haven’t heard the last of it, as much as that thought very much disturbs me…
Weekly Shonen Jump Announces “Rurouni Kenshin – Super!” for January 2017 – Oh, look, The Gatekeeper likes anime, too! How wonderful. (I’m being sarcastic.) This was yesterday’s article, so this pretty much catches us up. It looks like The Gatekeeper changed the article picture since yesterday. The white background looks better than the pale yellow, so a rare moment of intelligence from my fellow editor there. On another note, if you haven’t seen “Dragon Ball Super” yet, I would definitely recommend it.
Thank you for sticking with me through that exhaustive look at the 29 other posts to “The Eye of Zatara” this year, with my summary here bringing us to exactly 30. I’m sure now that The Gatekeeper’s back in full swing, we’ll still have several more holiday or otherwise-themed scraps of gibberish to look over before the end of the year, so, if you care nothing for your ability to continue distinguishing fiction from reality, stay tuned to the “Eye of Zatara” in the coming weeks. Your local sanitarium will thank you for it!
~The Watchman
Thanks, Watchman. Your kind support of my work is welcome, as always! Remind me to send you a Crystal Pepsi for your trouble. Happy National Edit an Article on Your Own Blog Day!
~The Gatekeeper
There is no such day. Stay out of my articles, you oddly literate lunatic.
~The Watchman