Category: Plausible History

Greetings from The Watchman.

Six months ago this week, “The Eye of Zatara” was officially launched, and the mental health of the United States of America began a slow but steady decline.  In spite of my warning to this blog’s readers to steer clear of the ridiculousness personified in our articles, the madness contained here has continued to expand, engulfing topics as wide and varied as Star Trek planets voting themselves out of the Cardassian Union, DeLoreans disappearing into thin air after Tesla Autopilots are installed into them, and Olympic torch runners lighting villages on fire.  Today, in alignment with goals that make sense to absolutely no one but The Gatekeeper, we welcome, for the first time, a new contributing member of our “The Eye of Zatara” team, a man known simply as “The Historian” who may be slightly closer to a straight jacket and padded cell than even The Gatekeeper himself.  For all you history buffs out there who stumble across this so-called “blog” of misinformation, please, turn off your computer, load up a good documentary on Netflix, maybe find a good non-fiction book on Kindle, but, whatever you do, do not believe a single word typed by the hands of The Historian.  If at all possible, do not even read them.

That said, on the absolute insistence of The Gatekeeper, I now teeth-clenchingly welcome my new co-editor and contributing writer, a wonderfully paranoid man of questionable sanity and knowledge, whose debut piece on “The Eye of Zatara” is a brief, drooling lecture on the veracity-lacking history of otherworldly creatures he, for some reason, refers to as “wolves”, but whose origins and very existence are far more questionable than even that of commonly investigated cryptozoological mysteries such as the chupacabra.  If you care nothing for yourself and the logical integrity of your rational mind, if through self-loathing you have developed the psychological equivalent of a strong death wish, or if you are simply too ignorant to take my repeated warnings to heart… please enjoy this first post below from The Historian in a new series of articles I have generously entitled “Plausible History”.  Without further ado, here is “Plausible History: Wolves”.

~From “The Watchman”

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Greetings from The Historian!

I am so very happy to finally be a part of “The Eye of Zatara” family, having been an avid reader for several days now after accidentally mistyping a URL in an attempt to read another website I visit more often.  Today, in a new segment on “The Eye of Zatara” entitled “Plausible History”, I plan to discuss in detail a lesser known historical legacy of the monstrous breed of canines known colloquially as “wolves”, creatures I myself have spent many years following and researching at great risk to my own health and well being, believing that some day my knowledge would come to be of use to the world’s history lovers, hopefully including you!

Let us now begin.

[[PLAUSIBLE HISTORY: WOLVES]]

Wolves.  Believed by many to be one Balto-esque journey away from being man’s next best friend and hero, a fluffy, grey-haired savior in the guise of a long canine snout and four padded paws.  But what are wolves really?  Are they really as simple and straightforward as they seem?  Are they really so kind?  Or, are they actually… the most evil creatures to have ever spawned upon God’s green earth since the now long extinct Apocalypseasaurus Rex, a furry Pandora’s Box waiting to unleash all the evils of creation upon those who view them as little more than the overgrown ancestors of their beloved childhood pets.

While some look like dogs, wolves are not a single type of creature, but a variety of terrifying, monstrous man-eaters capable (depending on the breed) of flying, breathing fire, turning invisible, conjuring massive bolts of electrical power like lightning, or even living off blood like a vampire. Believed to have first been summoned to this world in the year 1701 by Sir Isaac Newton through dark, alchemical rituals intended to create a Philosopher’s Stone, but were mostly purged from the world during the English Inquisition of 1835, a counterpart to the Spanish Inquisition started one year after its predecessor’s conclusion, specifically to rid England of wolves and those friendly to and colluding with the horrid creatures.  A second wave of wolves, of two very slightly different breeds, were conjured independently by Russia’s Joseph Stalin and Japanese Emperor Hirohito in the opening days of World War II, combining alchemical texts from Sir Isaac Newton with those of Nostradamus, Dante, Paracelsus, Leonardo de Vinci, and Morgan Le Fey in an attempt to bolster their human forces with equally lethal non-human counterparts, the documents acquired from a hidden cache uncovered beneath the ancient site of Camelot in a white marble tomb inscribed with the name of ancient proto-wizard Merlin.

While these pure original wolves were terrifying enough, some were not content to let their true potential go unrealized.  As the intermingling three species of unmodified wolf spread throughout all the world’s eight continents (Including Xanadu), adapting to a variety of natural environments and feeding upon humans like cattle, many were soon captured and experimented upon by twisted scientists who selective bred out their various traits and capabilities to create refined, elemental varieties of wolf now identified by each of their new primary natures, the “Fire Wolf”, “Ice Wolf”, “Sugar Wolf”, “Dream Wolf”, and “Moose Wolf” coming into being among many other kinds.

Many of these new wolves grew to overcome their captors, however, and now, armed with sentience and a humanesque level of intelligence comparable to fans of Beyonce, form a secret nation of their own in the shadows of this world that works together to attack innocent humans in the same way that carnivorous lions hunt gazelles.  How much control they have over the affairs of this world is uncertain, but their cognitive ability is said to rival, or even surpass us, in some of their more intelligent species like the “Vampire Wolf”, so anything is surely possible.  It is possible that even the United Nations itself has been infiltrated by wolves?  It seems likely.  Perhaps the wolves were even the true source of the hacked DNC emails believed by some to have changed the outcome of the 2016 U.S. Presidential election in favor of now President Donald J. Trump?  Surely, this would explain the lack of an Executive Order from the President blocking wolves from entering the country until further notice, as he has done with refugees from seven Islamic countries.  Could the wolves perhaps even be the true backers of the ridiculously stupid “A Dog’s Purpose” movie, an attempt to create propaganda with which to dull the senses of gullible humans against the ferocity hidden in the canine form, blinding them to the terror that are the more dog-like breeds of wolf, wolves just as dangerous as their more serpentine counterparts (the “Dragon Wolves”)?

How do wolves raise money, you ask, for such wicked schemes?  By taking it out of the wallets of their victims, for one, but primarily, by selling cans of their somehow world famous “Three Wolves” brand green beans!  The evidence is right there on the can – you can see the wolves on the label!  The Illuminati… the New World Order… all these dark forces are connected to wolves and their green beans!  World War III will not be a war of man against man as many people expect, but a war of man against wolf, human against canine, as we fight for our ultimate survival against our otherwise soon-to-be lupine monster overlords who view us the same way that we view a Chunky’s Pizza!  DON’T YOU SEE?  THEY WILL RULE US ALL IF WE DO NOT RESIST THEM!  THEY CANNOT BE STOPPED WITH MERE PASSIVITY!  WE MUST UNITE TOGETHER AS HOMO SAPIENS AND CRUSH THE WOLVES OF THE WORLD BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!!!

Ahem.

I’ve been told by The Watchman that this is all I have space to say today, so I will end things at this point.  Please keep your eyes peeled, however, for the next eye-opening segment of “Plausible History” as I discuss the lost continent of Atlantis, the history of collectible card games, and the Earl of Sandwich’s illegal human cloning project, or maybe none of these things!  Until then, please remember the lessons of history.  After all, as the old saying goes, “Those who do not learn history are going to fail their history class and are doomed to repeat it.”  Wise words indeed there.

As The Gatekeeper often says, “Watch out for wolves, Everyone!”

~The Historian

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EDIT: Thank you, The Historian, for your excellent article, and welcome to “The Eye of Zatara” staff!  I love all the information about wolves, but maybe you should go into more depth on it sometime.  How about a “Plausible History: Wolves – Part Two” in the next week or two???

~The Gatekeeper

EDIT: Part Two???

Oh, heaven help us, please no.  I can’t… after reading that, I just can’t… I might just end ten years of sobreity right here after reading that.  I need… I need a tylenol…

~The Watchman

EDIT: Maybe we should have a party to celebration “The Historian” joining the team.

Anyone else suddenly hungry for green beans?

~The Gatekeeper