Category: Science Fiction

Beloved science fiction! The future is bright! (Unless it’s written by Alex Kurtzman! Or Rian Johnson…)

[SATIRE] “Star Trek: Discovery” Delayed Until May After Executive Producer Insulted by High Schooler

(Original Post: September 15, 2016)

CBS announced today the delay of their upcoming Star Trek prequel series, “Star Trek: Discovery”, after Executive Producer Bryan Fuller suddenly disappeared during a shoot last week at Pinewood Toronto Studios, pushing the series’ release date from January 2017 to sometime in May.  While CBS has officially declined to comment on the reason for the delay, multiple sources closest to the project have disclosed the details behind Mr. Fuller’s disappearance, and their speculation on the future of the new Star Trek series.

“It was the darndest thing,” Creative Producer Nicholas Meyer explained to popular Star Trek blog “The Wrath of .Com” shortly after CBS’s announcement.  “There we were, filming the third episode for the season, and some overgrown high school kid in a tanktop and jeans wandered into the set, took one look at the Andorian-dressed actors conversing with Bryan at the time, and shouted repeatedly, at the top of his lungs, ‘HOLY CRAP, WHAT A NERD!!!”

“He broke down crying right then and there in the middle of the set.” Rod Roddenberry sighed, speaking to a reporter dressed like a male Seven of Nine while shaking his head.  “He started muttering something about Joxton High School, and then just ran out of the room.  Frankly, we haven’t seen him since.  His family assures us he’s ok, but every time we go by his condo to check on him, all we hear is sobbing through the door, and he refuses to let us in.”

PR agents for Mr. Fuller, however, have denied that the delays in the release of “Star Trek: Discovery” have anything to do with their client, and most certainly are not the result of the 47 year old man being called a “nerd” by a roughly 17 year old bully.  Neighbors of Mr. Fuller, however, interviewed by sources close to “The Eye of Zatara” have exposed startling new details which seem to confirm the accounts reported to Star Trek fan sites by Nicholas Meyer and Rod Roddenberry.

“When we first bought this condo, we almost never saw Mr. Fuller.  It was a kind of running joke between me and my wife that he didn’t really exist,” popular local television anchor Samir Hakari reported to our totally legitimate sources earlier this morning.  “Then, about a week ago, we suddenly heard the door of his condo slam, and then a lot of crying through the walls.  We have excellent insulation here.  I’ve never heard any of my neighbors through the walls before today.  Now… my wife has actually rented a hotel room the last several nights because she hasn’t been able to stay the night in our room and get any sleep.  I… I don’t blame her.”

“I heard the crying, as well,” another neighbor, Natasha Smith-Noranski, also confirmed to super reliable sources connected to “The Eye of Zatara”.  “But that wasn’t actually the strangest thing.  Every day for the last week since Bryan locked himself in his condo, some sort of strange, pimply jock type kid has slipped past the doorman for our condo building when he wasn’t looking, gone up to the second floor, and slid a note underneath Bryan’s door before slipping out the back staircase, and, then, a few minutes later, the crying suddenly gets louder from within the condo.  Bryan’s always been a very kind and conscientious neighbor.  I really hate to see this kind of thing happen to him… even if he really is a big nerd.”

“tlhIngan Hol vIjatlhbe’.  ghu’vam mugh jIH internet lo’.” actor Michael Dorn added, after being spotted hanging around Mr. Fuller’s condo building dressed in full costume as his popular role of Lieutenant Worf from the “Star Trek: The Next Generation” and “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine” series.  “I’m sorry.  I was speaking my native tongue there for a moment.  What I said in Klingon is ‘The actions of this 17 year old child are far from honorable.  Executive Producer Fuller must regain his honor in glorious combat by confronting this tog with the edge of a blood-stained bat’leth.'”

Michael Dorn then cleared his throat.

“Maybe then he can take a look at these script ideas I’ve put together for a new series starring Worf I’ve been hanging around his condo trying to show him for months… I mean, uh, only THEN will he be able to reclaim his family honor, and rest his soul in the glory of Sto-vo-kor with the honored dead should the family of the 17 year old human COWARD attempt retribution!”

When asked by “The Wrath of .Com” if Mr. Fuller’s sudden sensitivity to bullying could potentially cause any further delays in the release of Star Trek: Discovery, especially if his bully should, for example, locate his Facebook or Twitter accounts and continue his harassment onto those fronts, Nicholas Meyer could not give a definitive answer.

“All I can say is I very much hope not.  Bryan Fuller’s feelings may be hurt by being reminded of the harshness of his days in Joxton High School, but there are many, many Star Trek fans out there whose feelings would be hurt just as much or more should this project be cancelled or delayed any further.”

Nicholas Meyer smiled.

“And the needs of the many must outweigh the needs of the few.”

[SATIRE] Teen Installs Tesla AutoPilot into Delorean; Disappears at 88 MPH

(Original Post: July 7, 2016)

In yet another shocking report revealed today by Tesla Motors concerning their experimental, self-driving “AutoPilot” system, officials in the small town of Hill Valley, California have confirmed the disappearance of one Martin J. McFly in what has been described as “a brilliant flash of otherworldly light leaving two tire tracks of fire extending forward on the road along the projected path of his vehicle”. Mr. McFly, a local delinquent with a history of assault convictions due to what several prosecutors have called a “hair trigger temper instantly ignited by the utterance of the common name for domesticed poultry”, had reportedly come across a Tesla AutoPilot system during a short-lived part time job at a mechanic’s shop, and, on a dare, installed the AutoPilot into a neighbor’s classic Delorean DMC-12 sedan before taking the then stolen vehicle on a brief, computer-guided joy ride.

Mr. McFly’s parents are grief-stricken about his disappearance just over a week ago today, but have refused to give up hope that their boy will someday return to them.

“I just know Marty’s still alive out there somewhere…” his mother, Mrs. McFly babbled, while stuffing her face with a handful of gravy-covered mashed potatoes from a popular fast food restaurant before washing the starchy appetizer down with a glass of cheap wine. “I got a post card from him the other day. Postmarked 1985. I don’t really understand that part, but the point is that my boy is still doing fine, living his life somewhere near… what appears to be a working clock tower, although the photo’s kind of grainy.”

“I’d say it was actually Hill Valley,” his mother added, “but our clock tower hasn’t worked in years.”

Reporters have attempted to interview the owner of the stolen Delorean, a local scientist and inventor, Doctor Emmett Brown, but our sources report that Hill Valley officials ended this line of investigation due to “Mr. Brown’s clearly declining mental state”.

“GREAT SCOTT! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS???” Mr. Brown screamed obliviously into our reporter’s face as she attempted to interview him earlier this morning concerning Mr. McFly’s sudden disappearance. “NO… NO… I DON’T WANT TO KNOW. I CAN’T KNOW. ANY LITTLE PIECE OF INFORMATION YOU GIVE ME COULD CAUSE A TEMPORAL PARADOX THAT THREATENS TO TEAR A HOLE IN THE FABRIC OF THE SPACE/TIME CONTINUUM! OR WORSE, YOUR ADVISING ME OF THE PAST, COULD CAUSE OUR TIMELINE TO VEER OFF INTO AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE, WHERE THE ACTOR, RONALD REAGAN, IS ACTUALLY ELECTED PRESIDENT. AND WHO KNOWS HOW THAT WOULD EFFECT THINGS? THIS ISN’T GOOD. THIS ISN’T GOOD. I’VE GOT TO GO BACK! DON’T YOU AGREE, EINSTEIN? I’VE GOT TO GO BACK NOW!”

“Um… Go where?” our reporter then asked nervously, reaching anxiously for the small can of mace hidden somewhere deep within her purse beneath a couple recently purchased CDs from a band called “The Starlighters”.

“WHAT? YOU STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND? WHY, BACK TO THE FUTURE, OF COURSE!”

At this point, our reporter immediately terminated the interview, fearing for her safety as a result of Mr. Brown’s clearly aggitated and incoherent mental state, and running for the door as quickly as possible before driving off in one of our news vans also at ironically about 88 MPH.

Hill Valley officials say the search for Mr. McFly’s current whereabouts is ongoing, but advise the public not to automatically assume the Tesla AutoPilot system is to blame before the completion of their full investigation.

“It is clear that Delorean DMC-12s do not usually disappear into thin air in the middle of shopping mall parking lots while leaving nothing but a spinning ‘OUTATIME’ vanity plate and trails of sparks and flame on the ground behind them.” Local police chief James Strickland was quoted this morning during a formal press conference on the subject. “Nonetheless, we have learned that Mr. McFly had recently gotten involved in betting on horse races, so we are continuing to investigate this and other angles until Mr. McFly’s whereabouts can, at last, be confirmed.”

“He may also be operating under the alias of ‘Calvin Klein’.” Chief Strickland later added.

When a reporter from BBC News asked if there were any updates on a similar case involving a Tesla AutoPilot system being installed in 1960s London police box held by a collector in Hill Valley before the makeshift transportation device also disappeared without a trace. Mr. Strickland’s only reply was that “The Master” would not allow him to speak on the topic any further. The press conference was then abruptly terminated, and all attendees were advised to watch out for statues going home.

[SATIRE] Cardassiexit – Planet Alpha Cerissius Minor IV Votes Out of the Cardassian Union

(Original Post: June 27, 2016)

In a stunning move Thursday, the citizens of planet Alpha Cerissius Minor IV have decided, in a narrow 124,241 to 122,116 vote, to end their affiliation with the powerful and galactically influential Cardassian Union and return to their previous status as an independent, unaffiliated colony world, exactly as the Alpha Cerissian people existed before their forced membership into the Cardassian Union almost 200 years prior. Cardassian Governor Taymor Shokaran has announced his disgust with the Alpha Cerissian people’s decision, and is expected to resign sometime within the next few days, assuming he is not driven from his luxurious governor’s mansion sooner by mobs of Alpha Cerissians brandishing photon torches and disruptor forks.

The Cardassian Union is apparently also unamused by the decision, and is rumored to have dispatched Obsidian Order operatives to Alpha Cerissius immediately after learning of Alpha Cerissius’ decision in order to “ensure the validity of the Alpha Cerissians’ supposed independence vote” and “gently remind the Alpha Cerissian people of the difficulty of maintaining peace on their own in the dangerous political climate of today”. One Cardassian official, not realizing his audio recording device was on at the time, was unintentionally noted as saying “Where did those backwoods Alpha Cerissian hicks learn about naive Federation nonsense like democracy and voting?” Unnamed Obsidian Order sources have traced the possible education of the Alpha Cerissian people to a historical datapad left behind by a Federation trader whose ship’s navigational system became damaged, causing him to drift unintentionally into Cardassian space, before docking and making repairs at a port on Alpha Cerissius’ northern continent of Safiera.

“The Federation will have much to answer for if we determine the rebellion of one of our most profitable trading outposts in the sector to be a result of Earthling brainwashing.” Cardassian Senator Juul Tamatt commented, when asked about this possibility by a reporter yesterday morning. “As if we Cardassians are gullible enough to believe that this propaganda piece… ‘”The Declaration of Independence” and Other Early American Revolutionary Era Documents’… was not written and left on a supply crate in one of Safiera’s busiest markets to intentionally stir up discord among our conquered, I mean, federated peoples.”

United Federation of Planets officials have denied any intentional tampering with the culture of Alpha Cerissius, however, and have shot back, raising concerns about large fleets of Cardassian warships being sent for “training exercises” eerily close to Alpha Cerissius’s location, as detected by the long range sensors of nearby Federation outposts.

“So, first the Federation stirs up rebellion, and now they convict us for training our military personnel? I will not hear anymore of these false accusations…” Senator Tamatt added to his previous statements, when questioned about this new development earlier today. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to find a crate of Horozian Flu vaccine to include with the supplies for the shuttle leaving tonight to pick up the Cardassian officials from Alpha Cerissius. Why? Um, no reason. Oh, yes, I mustn’t forget to have some polarized anti-disruptor riot shields and emergency medical stasis emitters delivered to the shuttle crew, either…”

Realizing he was still being interviewed, Senator Tamatt broke eye contact, pulling nervously at the collar of his uniform, and stammered out a follow-up statement.

“Can never be too careful, you know?”

In other related news, a single Borg drone known as Twelve of Fifteen similarly voted in 1 to 1 decision to vote himself out of the Borg Collective today in an unspecified, remote sector of the Delta Quadrant. According to long range transmissions received from the Federation starship Voyager, when local Delta Quadrant reporters attempted a follow-up interview with Twelve of Fifteen, a new, almost identical drone had filled Twelve of Fifteen’s regeneration slot on Borg Cube #45001201, and no trace of the briefly independent drone could be located with conventional scanning equipment. When asked about Twelve of Fifteen’s current whereabouts, the Borg Collective had no comment, but did assimilate one of our science vessels.

[SATIRE] Ghostbusters??? (Updated)

(Original Post: April 18, 2016)

Apologies to all my blog readers. With regret, I must announce that the picture posted online in a previous article which I errantly claimed to be a promotional photo for the upcoming Ghostbusters movie is actually a FAKE. My sincerest apologies to anyone I may have hurt or disappointed as a result of my general laziness and lack of due diligence. To try to make amends, I have spent considerable time scouring the Internet for more ACCURATE information, and, as a result, I have found the original, unedited promotional picture for the genuine upcoming reboot of this classic science fiction movie. I present it to you now, attached to this post, with a promise that in the future I will always fact check my sources before posting anything to social media with a half-hearted claim of veracity. I hope this corrected image share encourages you to watch the actual Ghostbusters movie coming this summer to theaters near you (and coming to trash cans near you shortly thereafter), starring an animated Chandra Nalaar from Magic the Gathering, a cthulhu monster, an alien from District 9, the Prophet of Regret from Halo, and apparently a talking bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken with a woman’s body attached. Hmmm… odd casting choices.