Tag: Election 2016

[SATIRE] Frustrated Trump Names Actual Cabinet to Presidential Cabinet; Furniture Piece Still Derided as “Right Wing Extremist” by Media

(Original Post: November 24, 2016)

After the election of deceased 20th century politician Thomas E. Dewey (reported two weeks ago here on the “Eye of Zatara”) was overturned by the U.S. Supreme Court in a 7 to 1 decision last week, new President-Elect Donald J. Trump has begun the difficult work of creating a Presidential Cabinet to ease his transition into the role of U.S. President next January.  After bearing continuous criticism by the media since long before his confirmation as President Elect earlier this month, along with a bombardment of attacks by Hillary Clinton voters on social media calling him everything up to and including a Nazi, apparently unaware of the irony of their own use of hate speech in this manner, Donald Trump has apparently given in to frustration and pressure, and named an actual cabinet he found at Ikea to the position of “Secretary of the Interior”, a decision which has met with immediate backlash from multiple media sources, calling the cabinet a “neocon”, “Teabagger”, and “right wing extremist”.

The cabinet in question – a tall, two-doored black fiberboard and particleboard number, on sale this Black Friday for 50% off which Donald Trump declared as an “immediate savings for the American people”, was chosen for its sturdy frame and stylish features, on recommendation of an Ikea employee named Larry that Trump stumbled into while trying to find the restroom in the vast, small town of a department store.  While the cabinet has yet to clarify many of its political positions or plans for the office of the Interior, many commenters on the Fox News Network have celebrated the cabinet as “the most honest politician they have ever met” after meeting both Trump and the cabinet for drinks as is customary for all Newscorp employees immediately after the nightly completion of their primetime programming block on the Fox News channel.

Rachel Maddow on the MSNBC Network, however, very harshly criticized Trump’s choice of the cabinet, saying last night on her show that no one watches or remembers the name of that “The rigidity of the cabinet is typical of those who surround Donald Trump.  They are unmoving extremists, unwilling to bend to the left on any issue to make deals across the aisle.  To the contrary, they stand obstructively in place like a piece of furniture, completely blocking the aisle, funded by Big Retail and born from the destruction of precious trees that produce the oxygen we all need to breathe.  This cabinet is everything we have come to fear from a Donald Trump Presidency, and should be filibustered without a second th-… what’s that word?  I can’t read the teleprompter.  Yes, I’m talking to you, Bill.  Move it down a page, darn it!  There we go… and should be filibustered without a second thought.  There, Bill, was it really that hard to stop flirting with the camera girl and do your freaking job for a minute there?”

Despite the criticism, the Trump Transition Team has not backed down from their decision, however.  To the contrary, they have pushed forward with another wave of similarly controversial Presidential Cabinet picks, with rumors now circulating that the territory of Puerto Rico is now in top consideration for the post of Secretary of State once thought likely to be offered to former vocal Donald Trump critic, Mitt Romney.  When Michael Hamden of CBC News, aware of the literal decision Trump was attempting to make in appointing a state to the Secretary of State position pointed out to Donald Trump at a press conference this morning that Puerto Rico is not technically a state, the President-Elect simply responded “Your mother’s not a state.” and then reflexively added to Mr. Hamden “You’re fired.”

Other rumored Trump selections at this point include Energizer batteries’ drum-wielding pink bunny mascot for the “Secretary of Energy” post, a local San Antonio area farmer familiar with fence posts and plywood for the position of “Secretary of Da’ Fence”, and actor Keifer Sutherland for the post of “Secretary of Homeland Security” based on his “proven ability to get the job done within a single 24 hour time frame”.  Inside sources have added that Trump plans to save money for the American taxpayers by then dissolving the Secretary of Homeland Security post after 24 hours until “next season” when Keifer Sutherland will immediately be rehired for the position, a move Mr. Trump believes will make Keifer Sutherland a “designated survivor” among his picks, a brilliant choice guaranteed to endure all Congressional backlash from the Democratic party in contrast to his other choices.  Contrary to Mr. Trump’s hopes, however, all these rumors, including those about Mr. Sutherland, have only met with further criticism from most of the press and those strongly opposed to the President-Elect on social media.

“The Cabinet picks of President-Elect Trump clearly prove how out of touch he is with the American electorate,” the cast of “Hamilton” ended the second act of their Broadway show by announcing to their audience, after calling out a man in the front row for his poor fashion choices and a woman near the back of the packed theater venue for an ugly tattoo visible on her shoulder thanks to a sleeveless top she chose to wear to their show, “If Trump wants to be the President for ALL of diverse America, he’s going to have to make picks that specifically appeal to us and our political agenda, and to heck with his own thoughts and voters.  Otherwise, he’s a racist, and we’re going to criticize him like all-knowing moral authorities in the middle of each of our shows until he listens to us.  Excuse me, Sir, in the third row with the weird grandpa glasses on, we’re trying to lecture you on politics here.  Could you please be so kind as to stop chatting to the guy next to you and listen?”

“Look, it comes down to this – I’m going to choose the people in my cabinet that I think will best enable me to win at being President of the United States of America” President-Elect Trump stated in a quick coffee shop interview with a CNN reporter several hours ago, while trying to figure out how to claim his latte from a barista clearly refusing to read the name “Trump” written on the President-Elect’s cup a couple feet away, “If that means making a quality piece of furniture from a reputable business my Secretary of the Interior, then that’s what I’m going to do.  You should wait to see what I do with my Czars.  I went all out and got Putin’s advice on a couple of those.”

“Oh?” the reporter inquired, growing both curious and nauseous at the same time, a Starbucks manager just behind him dialing the cops to report Trump’s ordering of a cup of coffee under his own name while the President-Elect’s barista continued to shakily hold the Voldemort-monickered cup of joe in his increasingly traumatized young hand, his innocent lips unable to reveal the horrifyingly evil identity of its purchaser.

“Think ‘Nuclear Wessels’.” Trump winked, while drawing a Star Trek logo in the air with his fingers.  “Oh, it’s gonna be great.  You’ll see.  You’ll all see…”

As of the release of this article, neither Walter Koenig or Anton Yelchin would confirm to “Eye of Zatara” sources whether or not the Trump Transition Team had reached out to them about a “Czar” position in his upcoming administration.  Unconfirmed reports do, however, identify “Star Trek: Discovery” Executive Producer Bryan Fuller as Trump’s first choice for Presidential speech writer, but claim he declined the position after a jockish high schooler called him a “regressive Republican hack” shortly after meeting with Trump to discuss the possible position, an act which caused the Executive Producer to barricade himself crying in his condo again.

[SATIRE] 2016 Presidential Election Results: DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMP!

(Original Post: November 9, 2016)

In a stunning reversal of all expected results of the 2016 U.S. Presidential race, it seems write-in candidate and former New York Governor Thomas E. Dewey, a Republican Governor famous for his two failed Presidential bids against Democrat Franklin Delano Roosevelt in the 1940s, has secured the 270 electoral college votes required to clench the office of United States President from both Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton AND Republican candidate Donald J. Trump, according to sources other than just the Chicago Daily Tribune this time.

Dewey, who died from a heart attack in 1971, was originally introduced as a possible write-in candidate for this year’s election by several popular social media outlets and blogs as a joke, but rapidly became a legitimate Presidential choice for 2016, appearing on the ballot in 48 of 50 states plus the District of Columbia, after gaining widespread grassroots support in the face of two extremely unpopular candidates elected in the primaries by both major American political parties.

“We initially rejected Thomas Dewey as a possible choice for the U.S. Presidential race when his supporters first began to approach us,” one unnamed Board of Elections official for the state of New Jersey reported off the record to CBC News reporter Michael Hamden earlier this week, “but the requests to add him to the ballot just kept coming in.  People loved his hard stance on organized crime, and success in prosecuting infamous mobster ‘Lucky Luciano’ as District Attorney of New York County.  They said to themselves ‘This is the kind of man who should be President of the United States.’  After a while, we just couldn’t take all the phone calls and hand-written letters, so we added him to the ballot.  We didn’t actually expect him to win.”

Each earning an even split of 109 electoral votes a piece, Republican candidate Donald Trump and Democrat candidate Hillary Clinton individually conceded to Dewey shortly after confirmation that he had reached a projected total of 276 electoral votes shortly after 3 am Eastern Standard Time this morning.

“We were shocked.” one unnamed Clinton staffer reported to blog NewsNow shortly after Hillary Clinton’s short concession speech.  “We would have understood losing to Trump, as he is at least as alive and breathing as Ms. Clinton, but losing to a deceased Republican Presidential candidate from the 20th Century?  You really can’t guess these kinds of things in politics ahead of time.”

“Wait, there was an election last night?” current Vice President of the United States, Joe Biden, added, after wandering into Clinton Campaign Headquarters by accident while attempting to find a McDonalds serving all night breakfast in the area.  “Who won?  Let me guess, Barack, right?  Wait, am I Vice President again?”

While Hillary Clinton is reported by close personal friends to have taken the news relatively well, only ordering the execution of less than half of her most trusted campaign advisors after reluctantly admitting defeat to Thomas Dewey, multiple media outlets are reporting Donald Trump may not be faring as well, psychologically, with the unexpected defeat.

“He hasn’t stopped eating taco bowls since the concession speech.” Joey Hargrave, producer for Trump’s now cancelled new documentary series “Winning At Everything – The King/President Donald J. Trump Story”, expected to air back-to-back on Fox News for the first 72 hours after the final election results came in, reported to a drooling husk slightly resembling Chris Matthews from MSNBC around 6 am Eastern Standard Time this morning.  “He just says keeps repeating ‘The votes haven’t all been counted yet.  I’ve got to eat more taco bowls.’ over and over again.  I think he’s thrown up at least six or seven times, but he just keeps eating…”

“He’s also barricaded several of the doors in his study with pillows,” Joey Hargrave admitted to the Chris Matthews-esque zombie a few minutes later, while MSNBC’s ratings of the live coverage rapidly fluctuated between one and two television viewers.  “He texted me a picture saying ‘I told you I would build a wall.  Let’s see them cross the border into my office now!’  I really don’t think the man is well…”

While many news outlets are focusing on the reaction of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump to Thomas Dewey’s election as America’s first Necromantic-American President, fewer outlets investigated the effect such a startling turn of fortune is having on other “dark horse” candidates such as Independent candiate Evan McMullin or Libertarian Party choice for President, Gary Johnson.  In fact, as of the time of this article’s publication, no attempt had been made by any news outlet, including our own, to gauge Mr. McMullin or Mr. Johnson’s reactions to Thomas Dewey’s victory, nor those of Green Party Candidate, Jill… Somebody.  This will likely continue to be the case.

Rumors that, due to an accidental deletion of the email sent to advise her of this by Democratic Party officials, defeated candidate Hillary Clinton is actually yet unaware of her loss to Thomas Dewey, and simply executed a portion of her campaign staff for sheer entertainment value, are, as of yet, unsubstantiated.  Rumors that crazed Dewey supporters are frantically trying to hook up a Tesla Auto-Pilot device to the corpse of Thomas Dewey in order to animate him in time for his Presidential inauguration are, also, unconfirmed at this time, but line up with other surfacing reports involving failed attempts to revive him using a red-colored feather dubbed a “Phoenix Down” and a lightning-powered contraption constructed by a technologically-gifted ardent fan of Mary Shelley.

In a bizarre violation of precedent, Dewey himself remains silent on his victory, and has offered no acceptance victory even after winning the 270+ electoral college votes needed to earn the title Leader of the Free World.  Presumed Vice Presidential electee Earl Warren has remained similarly quiet, despite being named as a possible replacement for Antonin Scalia in the U.S. Supreme Court, assuming Scalia cannot reclaim the seat himself after being equipped with a Tesla Auto-Pilot.

 

[SATIRE] Blog Editor Claims Misinformation Due to Temporal Manipulation by Speedster

(Original Post: October 11, 2016)

The series premieres of the CW’s line-up of DC Comics-based shows has brought joy to many, but anger to others, as spoilers from DC-TV-Spoilers.Com about the main antagonists for Season 3 of The Flash and Season 5 of Arrow have been quickly revealed as untrue, leading many followers of that website to abandon the site, and others redirected to it by other news blogs, including the Eye of Zatara, to also question those referencing and linking to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com’s information.  The editor of that website holds firm to his sources, however, and is claiming that the creation of an alternate timeline is responsible for his supposed misinformation.

“I’m not really sure what happened, but the information I was given was completely accurate at the time I posted it to my blog.  I wouldn’t have typed it up otherwise.” the editor of DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, known only to the Internet community as “Kal-AOL”, explains in a special statement at the top of his news blog.  “Clearly, some sort of Speedster has altered the timeline, and created a new reality in which Usain Bolt is not the primary antagonist for Season 3 of The Flash, and director Zach Synder is not the Green Arrow’s adversary in Season 5 of Arrow.  I’m honestly not sure how this is even possible, but it is the only explanation I can offer.”

Despite the clear impossibility of what Kal-AOL is saying, other bloggers have jumped to his defense, pointing out other inconsistencies with our current interpretation of reality that seems to align with the theory that we are living in an alternate version of the present created by Speedster intervention in the past.

“Has anyone questioning Kal-AOL’s theory even seen Season 4 of Arrow?” fellow Arrow/Flash universe blogger, “Marvin Manhunter”, wrote in an article today on his news blog, “DC Comix Rox”.  “If temporal manipulation was not involved in the making of our current reality, how could a fifth season of Arrow even be made as bad as Season 4 was?  Did you see the choreography?  Black Canary’s primary tactic in battle was to run in a straight line at anyone shooting an automatic weapon at her, and, somehow, not die five minutes into the first episode.  Don’t get me started on the ‘shoot first’ enemies only failing to go for the kill whenever a main character is surrounded, at which point, they suddenly hold back their fire.  Or the enemies basically standing still any time a weaponless main character confronted them, offering absolutely no resistance to someone very slowly and awkwardly punching them, even when that character was outnumbered.  I hope whatever Speedster selfishly ruined the original choreography for Season 4 gets eaten by a time wraith for it.  I really do.”

“And what’s with Hulu not getting CW stuff anymore?” blogger “Flash Ketchum from Earth 2 Pallet Town” wrote on his news blog, “All’s Wells That Ends Thon”, “I definitely remember Hulu getting CW stuff in the original timeline.  This is some parallel universe, multiversal tachyon bullcrap right here, that’s what this is.”

On non-DC-related news blogs, the current U.S. President race between Republican Party candidate Donald Trump and Democratic Party candidate Hillary Clinton has also been cited as compelling evidence of possible temporal tampering.

“The real question you should be asking,” Kal-AOL continued in the original statement on this subject posted late last week to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, “is that if we are really living in an alternate timeline, what can we do to return things back to the way they are supposed to be?”

After several minutes of discussion on his own personal theories on time travel, mostly a mix of Back to the Future and Hot Tub Time Machine, Kal-AOL finally gave the best answer he could to the problem of how to resolve the possible temporal conflict believed to be directly affecting all of reality around us.

“Honestly, I have no idea.” Kal-AOL shrugged, using stage directions to note his shrug in the otherwise article-formatted prose of his most recent blog post.  “And, even if we did fix the timeline, the unfathomable awesome that is Luke Cage might turn out the worse for it.  Whatever your stance on fixing Arrow Season 4, I think you’ll agree with me that’s a risk our world just can’t afford to take.  Forget Donald and Hillary… Luke Cage 2016!”

Since the original posting of this article to the Eye of Zatara, a “Luke Cage” section has been added to Kal-AOL’s blog, DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, much to the protest of his primary DC-based readership – at least, until they watched their first episode of the Netflix Original Series and immediately celebrated along with the rest of us.  Rumors have also begun to circulate that Libertarian Party candidate for U.S. President, Gary Johnson, has replaced his current running mate with the actor from Luke Cage in an attempt to bolster his chances in the election.  It is now estimated he will receive a 0.02% share of the popular vote, up 400% from previous vote estimates of 0.005% before including Luke Cage in his platform.

[SATIRE] “Crisis of Character” and the Fox News Scandal

“CRISIS OF CHARACTER” AND THE FOX NEWS SCANDAL
by NENSPAC

(Original Post: July 1, 2016)

As the countdown to November continues among Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump and Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, some on the Republican side are questioning why a recently released book by decorated military officer and former Secret Service agent, Gary J. Byrne, “Crisis of Character”, in which Mr. Byrne describes his experiences in guarding Former President Bill Clinton, often times from his own wife, who was reported to have been considered a threat to her husband’s safety, and, on at least one occasion, appears to have given him a black eye after throwing a vase at his head in a fit of anger, has not gotten almost any attention from the mainstream media.

One reporter brought up this point during a press conference with Mrs. Clinton late last week, asking her if she was aware of this book, and whether or not the allegations contained within it about her hair-trigger fuse and often violent anger did, in fact, have any validity.

“Of course not!” Hillary Clinton laughed politely, while smiling at the litany of reporters gathered around her podium. “This just goes to show that those on the Republican side will say and do anything to keep a woman from being elected President. You know, I haven’t even heard of this book. Tell me, do you have a copy here with you? I’d like to take a picture with it for the press just so everyone can see how ridiculous this whole thing is.”

“I do actually.” the reporter acknowledged, handing Former Secretary of State Clinton a copy from the brown messenger bag hanging from his shoulder. “Here… you can keep it.”

“Why, thank you…” Hillary smiled kindly, before wrenching the book out of the reporter’s hands and chucking it into his face as hard as she could, successfully knocking the reporter unconscious. “Again, there is absolutely NO credibility to any of the claims made in this outlandish book. Do I look like an angry person to you? Maybe when I don’t have my coffee, but I don’t exactly go around throwing things at people when I’m a little caffeine-starved, despite what some of the conservative extremists in the Donald Trump campaign may tell you.”

“Um… Mrs. Clinton?” another reporter chimed in, taking a step back from the first reporter to avoid getting blood on his new dress shoes. “Did you just knock Michael Hamden from CBC News unconscious with a copy of the ‘Crisis of Character’ book he just gave you?”

“No… of course not. That’s ridiculous! What is this, a Tea Party rally?” Clinton smiled, before taking a step down from her podium to rest a hand comfortingly on the second reporter’s shoulder. “Don’t you have any REAL questions to ask me, instead of these Republican talking points memos?”

Feeling instinctual fear for the first time in his entire career as a reporter for the Daily Trumpet, the second reporter, John Lachum from Nebraska, slowly shook his head no while sweating profusely, holding his breath until Mrs. Clinton smiled and took her hand off his shoulder, returning to her podium on the stage above him.

The matter did not drop with Mr. Lachum, however. It was ironically the often liberal-identifying MSNBC network to next bring up the story of Candidate Clinton’s supposed hurling of a bestselling novel at the head of a CBC News reporter, being one of the primary topics on Chris Matthews’ “Hardball” show the next evening.

“Hillary Clinton, physically accosted by a reporter from Fox News, and forced to defend herself by throwing a book at this cowardly extension of the Republican party, who then used another reporter like a human shield, causing that reporter to be knocked unconscious and taken to the hospital for medical treatment. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF ANYTHING THIS RIDICULOUS??? FOX NEWS SHOULD BE ASHAMED, AND, IF THEY HAD ANY DECENCY AT ALL, THEY WOULD APOLOGIZE IMMEDIATELY, BOTH TO ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEED FUTURE PRESIDENT HILLARY CLINTON, AND TO THE CBC REPORTER, MICHAEL HAMDEN, AND HIS FAMILY.”

“Resist, we much. We must. And we will much. About that, be committed.” added Al Sharpton, on his own MSNBC program the next day.

Unable to determine how they even got involved in the apparent media scandal despite having abstained from even sending a reporter to any of Hillary Clinton’s press conferences since just before Christmas, Fox News responded in the only way they knew how, by inviting Donald Trump on each and every one of their evening programs for an interview, and repeatedly discussing the matter with him at length.

“I think Native Americans should pay taxes just like the rest of us.” Donald Trump explained, while Fox News personality Bill O’Reilly stared introspectively at the button on his broadcast booth to turn off Mr. Trump’s microphone. “Did I mention I love Cinco De Mayo? Trump Tower Grill makes the best taco bowls in town! You’re fired! Sorry, force of habit.”

As Trump continued to ramble on incoherently throughout Fox News’ evening line-up, Michael Hamden released a statement of his own to the media, after being confronted by a reporter on his way back to the hospital to have his stitches removed.

“I don’t really remember a lot about the last few weeks, honestly. Supposedly, it’s a side effect of having such a severe concussion.” Mr. Hamden said hurriedly, looking around nervously for any sign of books flying at him. “All I know is I’m never wearing a messenger bag full of reading materials to another press conference event again. Next time I’m worried about getting bored at work, I’ll just download ‘Generally Disgruntled Birds’ on my phone like everybody else. Or ‘Candy Crush: Diabetes Saga’. Wait… who am I again?”

This news story was sponsored by NENSPAC, the Non-Existent Nonsensical Political Action Committee, which like its name suggests, does not exist. Just like MSNBC’s viewers. Please don’t throw books at us. We don’t have good health insurance here.

[SATIRE] Make America Grape Again

(Original Post: May 12, 2016)

Make America Grape Again 2

As Donald Trump becomes the presumptive 2016 Presidential nominee for the Republican Party, inside sources from within the Trump campaign have supposedly leaked the somewhat shocking extent to which Mr. Trump was willing to go in order to secure his nomination amidst heated opposition from Texas Senator Ted Cruz and Ohio Governor Jon Kasich. Based on opposition research accumulated from former Trump supporters by political operatives close to former Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, Donald Trump was apparently in the process of preemptively naming his choice for Vice President should he secure the nomination, as way to galvanize his supporters, similar to the move made by Democratic hopefuls Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders as reported here in early April (http://eyeofzatara.com/2016/08/06/clinton/).

In a possibly extra-Constitutional move, Mr. Trump planned for the first time in America’s history, to name a company, in its entirety, as his President running mate for the 2016 United States Presidential race. This company, Welch Foods Inc., known primarily for its fruit juice products, would have caused an amendment to Trump’s original campaign slogan of “Make America Great Again” to a new, revised slogan saying “Make America GRAPE Again. TM, Welch Foods Inc., All Rights Reserved.” While Senator Cruz and Governor Kasich were quick to criticize this reported move when it was leaked, additional sources have confirmed that both Cruz and Kasich were planning similar moves, having already been aware of Trump’s plans to unite himself with a grape juice company to strengthen his 2016 Presidential ticket.

In the works for both campaigns was a unification of Ted Cruz and his Vice Presidential company selection, Tropicana Products, with a new campaign slogan of “Orange You Tired of Trump? Vote Cruz!” to appear as the banner for his party bid in a new 30 second ad spot to be run on prime time for three weeks immediately following Senator Cruz’s announcement; and, on Kasich’s side, a slightly more bizarre choice of American apple-based product company, Mott’s, to become his Vice Presidential hopeful with a slogan reading “I Like Applesauce. : ) “, a slogan apparently written by Governor Kasich himself shortly after the selection decision, much to the chagrin of his campaign staff and close supporters.

Whoever becomes President this 2016 election cycle, it is clear that this will be an election to go down in the history books. The only saving grace, for those of us of stable mind, is the sound advice of advisers to the Obama campaign, who, while explaining to the former constitutional law professor why he is unable to run against Hillary Clinton in this year’s Democratic Presidential primaries, talked him out of running commercials replacing Joe Biden with Vice Presidential selection, Ocean Spray Cranberries, Inc., with an ad slogan of “Cran Barry Get Four More Years?” Obama advisors did, however, compliment the President on his choice to replace Joe Biden with absolutely anyone else should he theoretically ever run for any sort of elected office again. Media sources are currently unable to confirm additional reports of an alternate Obama 2016 ad campaign entitled “Only Two Terms? We Need V8 More.”

This news story was sponsored by NENSPAC, the Non-Existent Nonsensical Political Action Committee, which like its name suggests, does not exist. Don’t mess with us. We know stuff. About stuff. Probably… (Actually, we don’t know anything. Please don’t hurt us. 🙁 )

[SATIRE] Clinton Clinton 2016

(Original Post: April 6, 2016)

In an attempt to further solidify her position as likely Democratic nominee for President, Hillary Clinton made an unprecedented move by announcing her initial choice for running mate should she triumph, as expected, over opponent Bernie Sanders in the Democratic primary.

“The primary responsibility of any Vice-President,” former Governor Clinton began. “Is to take over the seat of President should something, legal perhaps, happen to the current President. Like, for example, an unfounded FBI witch hunt over private email servers. Just for example. Well, I can tell you that my choice for running mate is a pillar of political integrity in the Democratic party, and, most of all, someone who could easily fill the seat of President in my absence. Mostly because he himself was President just a few years short ago! My husband… William Jefferson Clinton!”

As the press went into a buzz over the shocking announcement, fellow Democratic hopeful Bernie Sanders imitated Clinton’s tactics, by also appointing a same last named nominee for Vice President.

“In spite of popular opinion, I do not hate business and I can prove it. Allow me to introduce to you my running mate should I become Democratic nominee for President of the United States… Kentucky’s own Colonel Harland Sanders.”

As puzzled press questioned whether or not Mr. Sanders realized that the actual Colonel Harlan Sanders had been dead for many years, and the man standing next to him was actually an impostor from a KFC television commercial, Sanders looked confused for a few minutes before whispering to the white-suited man standing beside him, and requesting his actual name.

“What I meant, was that my running mate, who LOOKS like Kentucky’s own Colonel Sanders, is local Tennessee actor and Colonel Sanders impersonator, Michael Farthington!”

As Mr. Sanders then proceeded to fall asleep on stage while nuzzling his head against his podium microphone in full view of reporters, his potential running mate, Mr. Farthington began to sell the crowd on KFC’s new “Nashville Hot Chicken”, available at your local Kentucky Fried Chicken store for, according to reporters on scene, “a limited time only”.

“There’s a clear choice for Democratic president nominee this year!” Clinton followed up, in an interview on MSNBC the following day. “The Clinton/Clinton ticket beats any other Presidentual combination out there! And, to quell the rumors before they crop up, no, Monica Lewinsky will not be ‘Secretary of State’ as some of you on the Internet have suggested.”

“Awwww…. why not?” a voice oddly similar to that of former President Bill Clinton interjected from somewhere in the background of the MSNBC studio set.

“BECAUSE I SAID SO, BILL, THAT’S WHY!” Hillary shouted off into the crowd, before making the “I’m watching you” gesture with her fingers by pointing at her eyes and then off at the mysterious figure in the crowd she was addressing.

“What about Socks the cat for Secretary of Defense?”

“WE’LL TALK ABOUT IT AT HOME, BILL!” Hillary interjected, gesturing angrily at the silver-haired gentleman in the distance to quit talking.

“Awwww…. ok.”

When asked for a response by CNN, current Republican frontrunner Donald Trump responded by insulting multiple minority groups, suggesting the creation of a ‘large bonfire’ to scare away terrorists in France, and by selling several CNN employees the first two seasons of “The Apprentice” on Blu-Ray DVD. Also asked the same question by CNN, Ted Cruz merely shook his head and sighed, while John Kasich drooled on himself and asked for a lollipop. During each of these CNN interviews, Mitt Romney snuck onto the set and waved from the background to get viewers’ attention while standing just out of view of each candidate. Current President Obama was unavailable for comment, as he is vacationing in Martha’s Vineyard preceding his upcoming trip next week to Martha’s Vineyard for some much needed R&R.

This news story was sponsored by NENSPAC, the Non-Existent Non-Sensical Political Action Committee, which like its name suggests, does not exist. Do not try to donate to it. It would not work out for you.