Star Trek Discovery – The Eye of Zatara

[SATIRE] Mystery in the San Francisco Skies – Actual Starships from ‘Star Trek’ Time Travel to Stop Alex Kurtzman

[March 8, 2021]
San Francisco, CA – In a startling revelation with great potential consequences to the future of humanity, large space-faring warships belonging to the once thought fictional United Federation of Planets, Klingon Empire, and Romulan Star Empire from “Star Trek” continuity appeared in the upper atmosphere over 24-593 Federation Drive, future home of Starfleet Headquarters, with an ultimatum for the people of the United States – “Stop making terrible Star Trek.”

“This Alex Kurtzman P’Tok that writes your shows is defaming the future of our galaxy!” shouted the commander of the Klingon vessel, the T’Kala. “Our fallen brothers in Stovokor cry out in shame over the bleeding of their honor! This human Kurtzman portrays us as cannibalistic, Trump-supporting, bald orc MONSTERS who fly pyramid ships through the stars like imbeciles!”

“We do not approve of the humanistic propaganda in your ‘Star Trek: Picard’ that claims the Romulan Star Empire lacks enough ships to even evacuate its own citizens from its homeworld in the event of a disaster.” Added Commander Revok of the Romulan Bird of Prey, the Va’nera. “What kind of threat would we be to your Federation in ‘The Next Generation’ if we didn’t even have more than a handful of ships to our name? As our misguided Vulcan cousins would say, that is highly illogical. Two can play at this misguided war of false information, Humans.”

“Give them a chance!” Alex Kurtzman replied, in a message sent to the ships hovering over San Francisco from a safe underground bunker at an unspecified location nearby. “I know you all are obsessed with Star Trek being EXACTLY how it used to be, but give my shows a chance! They’re full of love! And really stupid things! Love and really stupid things! Kind of like a family!”

“A woman from an alternate universe in the distant past defeated a hologram from far in the future by blinking at it,” replied Captain John Tolliver of the U.S.S. Everlast. “How does that even work?”

“Uh…” Kurtzman stuttered.

“Romulan agents blew up the shipyards building a fleet to save our people in the Romulus system from being annihilated by a supernova blast.” Commander Revok of the Va’nera added. “Why would we do such a thing?”

“Well…” Kurtzman swallowed hard.

“That honorless woman that stars in your ‘Lower Decks’ garbage said all Klingons have apostrophes in their names.” Captain Kah’lok of the Klingon T’Kala interjected, angrily. “That is racist human filth! Has she not heard of the great Kang and Kodos? What of the Federation’s own Lieutenant Commander Worf? Have you not even heard of HIM???”

“I, uh… I don’t know who that is.” Kurtzman scratched his head.

The Klingon ship charged its weapons.

“Wait, all of you, listen to me, I’m sure there’s a better way!” another signal appeared from somewhere in the area, broadcast to the gathered starships from a nearby television studio in Los Angeles, this time from former Star Trek child actor, Wil Wheaton, who played the character, “Wesley Crusher” on “The Next Generation”. “If I learned anything from my time on TNG, it’s that aggression and violence never solve anything. Come on, Everybody, let’s come together and believe that!”

The Klingon ship fired immediately on Wil Wheaton’s location and nothing more was ever spoken of the matter by anyone.

“Wait, let’s… sit down… and… talk… about this… together.” Another Star Trek actor intervened, hailing the future ships from a fan replica of the original series Enterprise given to him as a gift for reading a fan script with him. “This is… Captain… James T. Kirk… played by… Bill Shatner. I am… pleading with you… in the… name of peace… You must… stand down… and… listen to me…”

“It appears that man is having a seizure.” a science officer on the bridge of the U.S.S. Everlast noted, as their crew attempted to decipher the cryptic communication. “He keeps… stopping and starting his sentences. Is it some kind of code?”

Before any of the ships from the future could understand what William Shatner was talking about, another ship from the future, who had apparently followed the first three ships through the same convenient “anomaly of the week” they used to appear here, emerged at once above the innocent San Francisco skies and began immediately firing some kind of advanced tractor beam at Alex Kurtzman’s location.

“Resistance is futile. Your future and your lore will be assimilated.” the Borg Cube announced, as the other three ships from the future raised their shields and began firing their weapons in vain against the massive block of interlocking technology. “Once the future of the Alpha Quadrant becomes known to the Borg in its entirety, we can alter our strategies to more quickly assimilate the species in your sectors.”

“Wait… strange alien ship… you must not absorb that… contradictory… nonsense…” William Shatner tried in vain to hail the Borg ship from his apparently somewhat working fan replica of the Enterprise. “Your minds… cannot… handle… the… terrible… writing!”

The Borg Ship exploded.

“No…” William Shatner ripped off his shirt while overacting before a nonexistent studio audience. “I… tried… to… warn them.”

“It’s alright! We managed to beam Alex Kurtzman onto the Everlast in the very nick of time.” Captain John Tolliver announced, as his Galaxy-class ship cancelled Red Alert status upon confirmation of the Borg Cube’s destruction. “Funny how Federations ships always manage to do that when stuff explodes.”

“Come on, then, let’s return to the future. We can deal with this… Kurtzman… once we are back in our time.” Captain Kah’lok shouted, before returning with the Federation and Romulans back to the 24th century.

“Good, they think they’ve settled things.” a voice echoed quietly amongst the Los Angeles rubble created by the Klingon ship T’Kala’s disruptors. A few seconds later, a smiling Wil Wheaton phased back into regular space using the reality warping powers taught to him by “The Traveller” on “Star Trek: The Next Generation”, laughing quietly to himself as he watched the starships from the future escape in the fading light of their impulse engine exhaust. “They think they’ve stopped me, because they took away Kurtzman. They have no idea. I can EASILY find another to take his place.”

Wil Wheaton smiled before looking directly at nearby passersby and talking to them as if they had any idea who he was or what he was talking about.

“All of the destruction of ‘Star Trek’,” he began, “reducing it from a beloved, intellectually-driven franchise about optimism and hope for the future, into a bland, dark, dystopian mishmash of generic science fiction concepts executed with no emotional or philosophical depth. It was me. It was ALWAYS me. I hated them for making me ‘Wesley Crusher’. I hated them for making me a laughing stock. Now I will make TREKKIES look pathetic! I will make ‘STAR TREK’ the laughing stock. I will show EVEN THE FUTURE ITSELF what it’s like to be the butt of everyone’s jokes! I will make everyone pay for all those videos on YouTube that compile together all the cast members of TNG saying ‘Shut up, Wesley.’ to me…”

Laughing maniacally with a standard evil Bond villain laugh, Wil Wheaton then turned once again to the stunned passersby gathered around him in the wreckage of the Los Angeles studio he had been scheming in when the ships from the future appeared.

“What, no ‘villain reveal’ song after I show my true colors to the world?” Wil Wheaton frowned. “I really need to find my way onto Disney Plus. If I was a secret villain on Disney Plus, they definitely would have given me a catchy ‘villain reveal’ song.”

According to sources close to “The Eye of Zatara”, Alex Kurtzman has not been seen on the planet Earth since the appearance of the strange ships from the future. Wil Wheaton, however, now confirmed live and well, has been spotted multiple times in the California area, sitting down with LucasFilm’s own Kathleen Kennedy of Star Wars sequel trilogy “fame”, and whispering to her as if offering her some kind of deal.

[SATIRE] Frustrated Trump Names Actual Cabinet to Presidential Cabinet; Furniture Piece Still Derided as “Right Wing Extremist” by Media

(Original Post: November 24, 2016)

After the election of deceased 20th century politician Thomas E. Dewey (reported two weeks ago here on the “Eye of Zatara”) was overturned by the U.S. Supreme Court in a 7 to 1 decision last week, new President-Elect Donald J. Trump has begun the difficult work of creating a Presidential Cabinet to ease his transition into the role of U.S. President next January. After bearing continuous criticism by the media since long before his confirmation as President Elect earlier this month, along with a bombardment of attacks by Hillary Clinton voters on social media calling him everything up to and including a Nazi, apparently unaware of the irony of their own use of hate speech in this manner, Donald Trump has apparently given in to frustration and pressure, and named an actual cabinet he found at Ikea to the position of “Secretary of the Interior”, a decision which has met with immediate backlash from multiple media sources, calling the cabinet a “neocon”, “Teabagger”, and “right wing extremist”.

The cabinet in question – a tall, two-doored black fiberboard and particleboard number, on sale this Black Friday for 50% off which Donald Trump declared as an “immediate savings for the American people”, was chosen for its sturdy frame and stylish features, on recommendation of an Ikea employee named Larry that Trump stumbled into while trying to find the restroom in the vast, small town of a department store. While the cabinet has yet to clarify many of its political positions or plans for the office of the Interior, many commenters on the Fox News Network have celebrated the cabinet as “the most honest politician they have ever met” after meeting both Trump and the cabinet for drinks as is customary for all Newscorp employees immediately after the nightly completion of their primetime programming block on the Fox News channel.

Rachel Maddow on the MSNBC Network, however, very harshly criticized Trump’s choice of the cabinet, saying last night on her show that no one watches or remembers the name of that “The rigidity of the cabinet is typical of those who surround Donald Trump. They are unmoving extremists, unwilling to bend to the left on any issue to make deals across the aisle. To the contrary, they stand obstructively in place like a piece of furniture, completely blocking the aisle, funded by Big Retail and born from the destruction of precious trees that produce the oxygen we all need to breathe. This cabinet is everything we have come to fear from a Donald Trump Presidency, and should be filibustered without a second th-… what’s that word? I can’t read the teleprompter. Yes, I’m talking to you, Bill. Move it down a page, darn it! There we go… and should be filibustered without a second thought. There, Bill, was it really that hard to stop flirting with the camera girl and do your freaking job for a minute there?”

Despite the criticism, the Trump Transition Team has not backed down from their decision, however. To the contrary, they have pushed forward with another wave of similarly controversial Presidential Cabinet picks, with rumors now circulating that the territory of Puerto Rico is now in top consideration for the post of Secretary of State once thought likely to be offered to former vocal Donald Trump critic, Mitt Romney. When Michael Hamden of CBC News, aware of the literal decision Trump was attempting to make in appointing a state to the Secretary of State position pointed out to Donald Trump at a press conference this morning that Puerto Rico is not technically a state, the President-Elect simply responded “Your mother’s not a state.” and then reflexively added to Mr. Hamden “You’re fired.”

Other rumored Trump selections at this point include Energizer batteries’ drum-wielding pink bunny mascot for the “Secretary of Energy” post, a local San Antonio area farmer familiar with fence posts and plywood for the position of “Secretary of Da’ Fence”, and actor Keifer Sutherland for the post of “Secretary of Homeland Security” based on his “proven ability to get the job done within a single 24 hour time frame”. Inside sources have added that Trump plans to save money for the American taxpayers by then dissolving the Secretary of Homeland Security post after 24 hours until “next season” when Keifer Sutherland will immediately be rehired for the position, a move Mr. Trump believes will make Keifer Sutherland a “designated survivor” among his picks, a brilliant choice guaranteed to endure all Congressional backlash from the Democratic party in contrast to his other choices. Contrary to Mr. Trump’s hopes, however, all these rumors, including those about Mr. Sutherland, have only met with further criticism from most of the press and those strongly opposed to the President-Elect on social media.

“The Cabinet picks of President-Elect Trump clearly prove how out of touch he is with the American electorate,” the cast of “Hamilton” ended the second act of their Broadway show by announcing to their audience, after calling out a man in the front row for his poor fashion choices and a woman near the back of the packed theater venue for an ugly tattoo visible on her shoulder thanks to a sleeveless top she chose to wear to their show, “If Trump wants to be the President for ALL of diverse America, he’s going to have to make picks that specifically appeal to us and our political agenda, and to heck with his own thoughts and voters. Otherwise, he’s a racist, and we’re going to criticize him like all-knowing moral authorities in the middle of each of our shows until he listens to us. Excuse me, Sir, in the third row with the weird grandpa glasses on, we’re trying to lecture you on politics here. Could you please be so kind as to stop chatting to the guy next to you and listen?”

“Look, it comes down to this – I’m going to choose the people in my cabinet that I think will best enable me to win at being President of the United States of America” President-Elect Trump stated in a quick coffee shop interview with a CNN reporter several hours ago, while trying to figure out how to claim his latte from a barista clearly refusing to read the name “Trump” written on the President-Elect’s cup a couple feet away, “If that means making a quality piece of furniture from a reputable business my Secretary of the Interior, then that’s what I’m going to do. You should wait to see what I do with my Czars. I went all out and got Putin’s advice on a couple of those.”

“Oh?” the reporter inquired, growing both curious and nauseous at the same time, a Starbucks manager just behind him dialing the cops to report Trump’s ordering of a cup of coffee under his own name while the President-Elect’s barista continued to shakily hold the Voldemort-monickered cup of joe in his increasingly traumatized young hand, his innocent lips unable to reveal the horrifyingly evil identity of its purchaser.

“Think ‘Nuclear Wessels’.” Trump winked, while drawing a Star Trek logo in the air with his fingers. “Oh, it’s gonna be great. You’ll see. You’ll all see…”

As of the release of this article, neither Walter Koenig or Anton Yelchin would confirm to “Eye of Zatara” sources whether or not the Trump Transition Team had reached out to them about a “Czar” position in his upcoming administration. Unconfirmed reports do, however, identify “Star Trek: Discovery” Executive Producer Bryan Fuller as Trump’s first choice for Presidential speech writer, but claim he declined the position after a jockish high schooler called him a “regressive Republican hack” shortly after meeting with Trump to discuss the possible position, an act which caused the Executive Producer to barricade himself crying in his condo again.

[SATIRE] “Star Trek: Discovery” Delayed Until May After Executive Producer Insulted by High Schooler

(Original Post: September 15, 2016)

CBS announced today the delay of their upcoming Star Trek prequel series, “Star Trek: Discovery”, after Executive Producer Bryan Fuller suddenly disappeared during a shoot last week at Pinewood Toronto Studios, pushing the series’ release date from January 2017 to sometime in May. While CBS has officially declined to comment on the reason for the delay, multiple sources closest to the project have disclosed the details behind Mr. Fuller’s disappearance, and their speculation on the future of the new Star Trek series.

“It was the darndest thing,” Creative Producer Nicholas Meyer explained to popular Star Trek blog “The Wrath of .Com” shortly after CBS’s announcement. “There we were, filming the third episode for the season, and some overgrown high school kid in a tanktop and jeans wandered into the set, took one look at the Andorian-dressed actors conversing with Bryan at the time, and shouted repeatedly, at the top of his lungs, ‘HOLY CRAP, WHAT A NERD!!!”

“He broke down crying right then and there in the middle of the set.” Rod Roddenberry sighed, speaking to a reporter dressed like a male Seven of Nine while shaking his head. “He started muttering something about Joxton High School, and then just ran out of the room. Frankly, we haven’t seen him since. His family assures us he’s ok, but every time we go by his condo to check on him, all we hear is sobbing through the door, and he refuses to let us in.”

PR agents for Mr. Fuller, however, have denied that the delays in the release of “Star Trek: Discovery” have anything to do with their client, and most certainly are not the result of the 47 year old man being called a “nerd” by a roughly 17 year old bully. Neighbors of Mr. Fuller, however, interviewed by sources close to “The Eye of Zatara” have exposed startling new details which seem to confirm the accounts reported to Star Trek fan sites by Nicholas Meyer and Rod Roddenberry.

“When we first bought this condo, we almost never saw Mr. Fuller. It was a kind of running joke between me and my wife that he didn’t really exist,” popular local television anchor Samir Hakari reported to our totally legitimate sources earlier this morning. “Then, about a week ago, we suddenly heard the door of his condo slam, and then a lot of crying through the walls. We have excellent insulation here. I’ve never heard any of my neighbors through the walls before today. Now… my wife has actually rented a hotel room the last several nights because she hasn’t been able to stay the night in our room and get any sleep. I… I don’t blame her.”

“I heard the crying, as well,” another neighbor, Natasha Smith-Noranski, also confirmed to super reliable sources connected to “The Eye of Zatara”. “But that wasn’t actually the strangest thing. Every day for the last week since Bryan locked himself in his condo, some sort of strange, pimply jock type kid has slipped past the doorman for our condo building when he wasn’t looking, gone up to the second floor, and slid a note underneath Bryan’s door before slipping out the back staircase, and, then, a few minutes later, the crying suddenly gets louder from within the condo. Bryan’s always been a very kind and conscientious neighbor. I really hate to see this kind of thing happen to him… even if he really is a big nerd.”

“tlhIngan Hol vIjatlhbe’. ghu’vam mugh jIH internet lo’.” actor Michael Dorn added, after being spotted hanging around Mr. Fuller’s condo building dressed in full costume as his popular role of Lieutenant Worf from the “Star Trek: The Next Generation” and “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine” series. “I’m sorry. I was speaking my native tongue there for a moment. What I said in Klingon is ‘The actions of this 17 year old child are far from honorable. Executive Producer Fuller must regain his honor in glorious combat by confronting this tog with the edge of a blood-stained bat’leth.'”

Michael Dorn then cleared his throat.

“Maybe then he can take a look at these script ideas I’ve put together for a new series starring Worf I’ve been hanging around his condo trying to show him for months… I mean, uh, only THEN will he be able to reclaim his family honor, and rest his soul in the glory of Sto-vo-kor with the honored dead should the family of the 17 year old human COWARD attempt retribution!”

When asked by “The Wrath of .Com” if Mr. Fuller’s sudden sensitivity to bullying could potentially cause any further delays in the release of Star Trek: Discovery, especially if his bully should, for example, locate his Facebook or Twitter accounts and continue his harassment onto those fronts, Nicholas Meyer could not give a definitive answer.

“All I can say is I very much hope not. Bryan Fuller’s feelings may be hurt by being reminded of the harshness of his days in Joxton High School, but there are many, many Star Trek fans out there whose feelings would be hurt just as much or more should this project be cancelled or delayed any further.”

Nicholas Meyer smiled.

“And the needs of the many must outweigh the needs of the few.”