Tag: Alex Kurtzman

[March 8, 2021]
San Francisco, CA – In a startling revelation with great potential consequences to the future of humanity, large space-faring warships belonging to the once thought fictional United Federation of Planets, Klingon Empire, and Romulan Star Empire from “Star Trek” continuity appeared in the upper atmosphere over 24-593 Federation Drive, future home of Starfleet Headquarters, with an ultimatum for the people of the United States – “Stop making terrible Star Trek.”

“This Alex Kurtzman P’Tok that writes your shows is defaming the future of our galaxy!” shouted the commander of the Klingon vessel, the T’Kala.  “Our fallen brothers in Stovokor cry out in shame over the bleeding of their honor!  This human Kurtzman portrays us as cannibalistic, Trump-supporting, bald orc MONSTERS who fly pyramid ships through the stars like imbeciles!”

“We do not approve of the humanistic propaganda in your ‘Star Trek: Picard’ that claims the Romulan Star Empire lacks enough ships to even evacuate its own citizens from its homeworld in the event of a disaster.” Added Commander Revok of the Romulan Bird of Prey, the Va’nera. “What kind of threat would we be to your Federation in ‘The Next Generation’ if we didn’t even have more than a handful of ships to our name?  As our misguided Vulcan cousins would say, that is highly illogical.  Two can play at this misguided war of false information, Humans.”

“Give them a chance!” Alex Kurtzman replied, in a message sent to the ships hovering over San Francisco from a safe underground bunker at an unspecified location nearby.  “I know you all are obsessed with Star Trek being EXACTLY how it used to be, but give my shows a chance!  They’re full of love!  And really stupid things!  Love and really stupid things!  Kind of like a family!”

“A woman from an alternate universe in the distant past defeated a hologram from far in the future by blinking at it,” replied Captain John Tolliver of the U.S.S. Everlast.  “How does that even work?”

“Uh…” Kurtzman stuttered.

“Romulan agents blew up the shipyards building a fleet to save our people in the Romulus system from being annihilated by a supernova blast.” Commander Revok of the Va’nera added.  “Why would we do such a thing?”

“Well…” Kurtzman swallowed hard.

“That honorless woman that stars in your ‘Lower Decks’ garbage said all Klingons have apostrophes in their names.” Captain Kah’lok of the Klingon T’Kala interjected, angrily.  “That is racist human filth!  Has she not heard of the great Kang and Kodos?  What of the Federation’s own Lieutenant Commander Worf?  Have you not even heard of HIM???”

“I, uh… I don’t know who that is.” Kurtzman scratched his head.

The Klingon ship charged its weapons.

“Wait, all of you, listen to me, I’m sure there’s a better way!” another signal appeared from somewhere in the area, broadcast to the gathered starships from a nearby television studio in Los Angeles, this time from former Star Trek child actor, Wil Wheaton, who played the character, “Wesley Crusher” on “The Next Generation”. “If I learned anything from my time on TNG, it’s that aggression and violence never solve anything.  Come on, Everybody, let’s come together and believe that!”

The Klingon ship fired immediately on Wil Wheaton’s location and nothing more was ever spoken of the matter by anyone.

“Wait, let’s… sit down… and… talk… about this… together.” Another Star Trek actor intervened, hailing the future ships from a fan replica of the original series Enterprise given to him as a gift for reading a fan script with him.  “This is… Captain… James T. Kirk… played by… Bill Shatner.  I am… pleading with you… in the… name of peace… You must… stand down… and… listen to me…”

“It appears that man is having a seizure.” a science officer on the bridge of the U.S.S. Everlast noted, as their crew attempted to decipher the cryptic communication.  “He keeps… stopping and starting his sentences.  Is it some kind of code?”

Before any of the ships from the future could understand what William Shatner was talking about, another ship from the future, who had apparently followed the first three ships through the same convenient “anomaly of the week” they used to appear here, emerged at once above the innocent San Francisco skies and began immediately firing some kind of advanced tractor beam at Alex Kurtzman’s location.

“Resistance is futile.  Your future and your lore will be assimilated.” the Borg Cube announced, as the other three ships from the future raised their shields and began firing their weapons in vain against the massive block of interlocking technology.  “Once the future of the Alpha Quadrant becomes known to the Borg in its entirety, we can alter our strategies to more quickly assimilate the species in your sectors.”

“Wait… strange alien ship… you must not absorb that… contradictory… nonsense…” William Shatner tried in vain to hail the Borg ship from his apparently somewhat working fan replica of the Enterprise.  “Your minds… cannot… handle… the… terrible… writing!”

The Borg Ship exploded.

“No…” William Shatner ripped off his shirt while overacting before a nonexistent studio audience.  “I… tried… to… warn them.”

“It’s alright!  We managed to beam Alex Kurtzman onto the Everlast in the very nick of time.” Captain John Tolliver announced, as his Galaxy-class ship cancelled Red Alert status upon confirmation of the Borg Cube’s destruction.  “Funny how Federations ships always manage to do that when stuff explodes.”

“Come on, then, let’s return to the future.  We can deal with this… Kurtzman… once we are back in our time.” Captain Kah’lok shouted, before returning with the Federation and Romulans back to the 24th century.

“Good, they think they’ve settled things.” a voice echoed quietly amongst the Los Angeles rubble created by the Klingon ship T’Kala’s disruptors.  A few seconds later, a smiling Wil Wheaton phased back into regular space using the reality warping powers taught to him by “The Traveller” on “Star Trek: The Next Generation”, laughing quietly to himself as he watched the starships from the future escape in the fading light of their impulse engine exhaust.  “They think they’ve stopped me, because they took away Kurtzman.  They have no idea.  I can EASILY find another to take his place.”

Wil Wheaton smiled before looking directly at nearby passersby and talking to them as if they had any idea who he was or what he was talking about.

“All of the destruction of ‘Star Trek’,” he began, “reducing it from a beloved, intellectually-driven franchise about optimism and hope for the future, into a bland, dark, dystopian mishmash of generic science fiction concepts executed with no emotional or philosophical depth.  It was me.  It was ALWAYS me.  I hated them for making me ‘Wesley Crusher’.  I hated them for making me a laughing stock.  Now I will make TREKKIES look pathetic!  I will make ‘STAR TREK’ the laughing stock.  I will show EVEN THE FUTURE ITSELF what it’s like to be the butt of everyone’s jokes!  I will make everyone pay for all those videos on YouTube that compile together all the cast members of TNG saying ‘Shut up, Wesley.’ to me…”

Laughing maniacally with a standard evil Bond villain laugh, Wil Wheaton then turned once again to the stunned passersby gathered around him in the wreckage of the Los Angeles studio he had been scheming in when the ships from the future appeared.

“What, no ‘villain reveal’ song after I show my true colors to the world?” Wil Wheaton frowned.  “I really need to find my way onto Disney Plus.  If I was a secret villain on Disney Plus, they definitely would have given me a catchy ‘villain reveal’ song.”

According to sources close to “The Eye of Zatara”, Alex Kurtzman has not been seen on the planet Earth since the appearance of the strange ships from the future.  Wil Wheaton, however, now confirmed live and well, has been spotted multiple times in the California area, sitting down with LucasFilm’s own Kathleen Kennedy of Star Wars sequel trilogy “fame”, and whispering to her as if offering her some kind of deal.

<Insert Orchestral Ending Music>