Tag: Fake Ads

[SATIRE] “The Eye of Zatara” Gives – June 2021: The BTBL

[Original Post: Sunday, June 13, 2021]

FROM “THE EYE OF ZATARA” STAFF:
Today, we the staff of “The Eye of Zatara” are very proud to announce a new feature on this blog.  In this feature, appearing every few months or so, we will take a moment away from reporting the latest news and world events that we hear about to instead focus locally on a small, deserving charity in our area, one which very much needs your support, loyal readers, to help make a difference in the region of Sumgaters, Louisiana where “The Eye of Zatara” Studios makes its home.  Today’s charity, for the month of June, is the BTBL, or “Bloodthirst Bank of Louisiana”, which focuses on helping down-on-their-luck “vampires” in Louisiana find the much needed blood they need to survive.  Here’s some more about the BTBL, and how to help:

FROM THE “BLOODTHIRST BANK OF LOUISIANA”:
Tomorrow, June 14th is World Blood Donor Day, a time when people come together around the world to donate blood at their local Blood Bank, to ensure that those needing blood have the life-giving resource they need to help them survive when crisis comes their way.  But, unbeknownst to most donors, 95.7% of America’s Blood Banks currently refuse to give blood to one of the most persecuted, under-priviliged sectors of our community, the Hemopoiesisly Challenged.

Known to some by the derogatory slang terms “vampire”, “Dracula”, “undead”, and “bloodsucker”, to name a few, the Hemopoiesisly Challenged (“HC”) do not have the ability to regenerate the blood cells in their otherwise immortal, ageless bodies, leaving them without the necromantic protections their eternal forms need against otherwise harmless everyday items in our world such as garlic, crosses, stakes, steaks, the Sun, and Stephenie Meyer novels (which do not so much kill as horribly embarrass them).  This forces them, in self-defense, to use their chiropteran bat fangs to drain the blood they need from those they can find in the community around them, often turning these bystanders themselves into more Hemopoiesisly Challenged victims of our cruel, heartless society.

But, tomorrow, you can help!  For less than the amount of blood lost to a simple amputation, you can donate everything needed for a local “HC” family to quench their thirst for several months of their unnatural, nocturnal existence.  By adding a $100 donation with your blood, you can also help pay for the daily life essentials these so-called “vampires” will need to live a full and thriving everyday life, such as comfortable, sturdy coffins to sleep in, Coppertone SPF 5,000, tooth sharpeners, and nanofiber clothes that change size with their “HC” wearers as they switch from human to bat form while commuting to work.  (Flying as a bat to work is great for the environment!  How thankful we should be for our ‘HC’ neighbors instead of chasing them with pitchforks and torches!)

So, tomorrow, as you weigh the cost of giving up a little of your blood to a local Blood Bank in your area, consider also stopping by the Bloodthirst Bank for your community, whether it be the BTBL for our “Who Bat?” brethren here in Louisiana, or one of our many partner affiliates throughout the continental United States, such as the “Crimson Tide of Mercy” bank in Alabama and the “Red Badge of Kindness” bank headquartered in Chancellorsville, Virginia.  Do note that there are currently no Bloodthirst Banks in the Washington, D.C. area, though, as “HC” individuals there are mostly Congressmen and Senators, and can get all the blood they need from the voters they turn into mindless thralls by the millions in order to make sure they get re-elected.  (How else do you think today’s politicians stay in power?)

Thank you in advance for considering a donation!

~The BTBL

FROM “THE EYE OF ZATARA” STAFF:
Wow, that was great, wasn’t it?  We don’t intend to do this with every charity, but since this is our first ever local non-profit spotlight, “The Eye of Zatara” will be matching all cash donations made tomorrow to the BTBL as outlined below!  SO GET DONATING!

$1 or more: Send a copy of your digital or physical receipt of cash donation to the Bloodthirst Bank of Louisiana tomorrow, and “The Eye of Zatara” will match your donation, dollar for dollar, with cash from as many copies of “Monopoly” that we have to borrow from our friends and neighbors as are needed to meet or exceed your generosity, dear reader!

$100 or more: If you donate $100 or more to the BTBL in a single donation tomorrow, “The Eye of Zatara” will write your name on a piece of paper to be put into a hat for a drawing the following week.  The winner of this drawing will receive $5,000 cash from “The Eye of Zatara”, payable either in small golden colored bills or, digitally, if you have “Monopoly Electronic Banking Edition”.  Your family will never beat you at board games ever again!

$1000 or more: If you donate $1000 or more to the BTBL in a single donation tomorrow, “The Eye of Zatara” will write your name on a commemorative plaque made entirely out of an old dry erase board that will hang in our offices for at least a month or two, until one of our interns forgets why the name is there and erases it while cleaning the office.  We might even remember a part of your name afterwards!  Here’s hoping, Amy Something Something of Shreveport!

$10,000 or more: If you donate $10,000 or more to the BTBL tomorrow, “The Eye of Zatara” will… thank you.  Uh… silently.  The next morning or something before work.  Yep.  We’ll do that thing we just said.  You can count on us, dear reader.  We will thank you.  Silently.  In our heads tomorrow.  Whole-heartedly.  Yep.

$100,000 or more: If you… ok, wait, you know what?  Actually, we won’t match this.  Quit flaunting how much money you have!  Give some to us!  You know how little we make off this blog?  We literally made zero dollars from “The Eye of Zatara” last month!  And the month before that!  And the month before that!  And all the months before that!  Maybe WE ought to be a non-profit, and say we’re helping somebody or another.  Is helping werewolves taken?  Yes, we’re doing that now!   Seriously!  Donating $100,000 to some bank for vampires, but not sending anything to us… that’s selfish.  That’s what that is.  It’s selfish.  You ought to send some to us, Selfish.  Let’s CashApp.  And no Monopoly money!

Thank you in advance!
~”The Eye of Zatara” Staff, Who Make Bird Houses for Underprivileged Werewolves Now, Too, or Something…

[SATIRE] A New Sponsor – Chunky’s Pizza, Home of the Chunky Marinara Sauce Pizza

(Original Post: February 2, 2017)

In exclusive “The Eye of Zatara” related news, our innovative content and in-depth analyses of important issues from Donald Trump’s Presidential Cabinet to Shonen Jump’s Rurouni Kenshin Super has, at last, paid off, as a new corporate partner has stepped up to fill the shoes of the fickle Three Wolves brand of green beans, becoming our first (hopefully) permanent sponsor.

On the advice of my co-editor, “The Watchman”, I have decided to allow our new sponsor to construct an advertising statement for themselves, rather than attempt to write one myself.  So, without further ado, please welcome the famous “Chunky’s Pizza Company” to our happy “The Eye of Zatara” family!

***

Happiness.  Tradition.  Flavor.  These are the values that my grandfather, Harry Torrington, had in mind when he first sat down to make the now famous recipe of his first delicious Chunky’s pizza, a local tradition in the central Kentucky area since 1999.  Eighteen years later, after committing my grandfather to a psychiatric hospital after he tried to ride a neighbor’s horse to Lexington and Concord insisting he had to “warn the Minutemen about the Redcoats”, I’ve left my illustrious career in the fast food industry behind to continue my grandfather’s dream of offering delicious pizza to Kentucky families struggling with obesity at a price they can afford without dipping into the coins from their “Liposuction Jar”.

Here at Chunky’s Pizza, now with five convenient Kentucky locations in Lexington, Frankfort, Louisville, Dry Ridge, and Bowling Green, plus a new store in southeastern Louisiana near New Orleans for no explicable reason, we put our hearts into every greasy, heart-clogging food item we prepare for our heavily overweight customer base.  Our traditional style “Chunky Marinara Sauce” comes with three types of meats and seven types of meat byproducts mixed directly into the sauce, and our famed “Hand-Tossed Meat Crust” offers the same mix of Grade C local Kentucky meat beaten right into the dough of your pizza for that double “Ten Meat Mix” when then covered by our Chunky Marinara Sauce.

I know.  There’s been a lot of talk by some of our competitors on the Internet about that Health Department investigation into our franchise, but, I assure you, the claims that our delicious Chunky Sticks are non-digestible and pass straight through your system intact are baseless smears, made up by those big names in the pizza business to scare you into not giving us any of your business.  That’s because they know that once you’ve had your first bite of Chunky’s Pizza, you’ll be hooked, and you won’t ever think about spending your money at a different pizzeria again.

If you’re not sold on Chunky’s Pizza yet, for a limited time, we’re offering all “Eye of Zatara” readers a “Buy One, Get TWO Free” discount on our legendary “Chunky Lover’s” specialty pizza, a 20 inch large pizza pie on our mouth-watering Hand-Tossed Meat Crust slathered almost to the point of being soggy with our ten meat Chunky Marinara Sauce, and then covered generously with layers of Chunky Cheese, old Old World Pepperoni, spicy Italian sausage boils, Black Forest Fire Ham, genuine semi-bacon sprinkles, and a complimentary cup of garlicy Chunky Butter on the side to dip your pizza in for an extra shot of delicious Chunky’s flavor should you so choose!

(Note: “Buy One, Get TWO Free” offer is for Carryout Only, and requires a minimum order of $20 excluding the cost of the initial Chunky’s Lover pizza required to earn two additional Chunky’s Lover pizzas free.  Offer may not be available in some, or all locations, and is only valid on weekdays after 5 pm excluding Tuesdays.  Many restrictions may apply.  Sales tax on an order in which this offer is applied will be doubled for no apparent reason, with the second sales tax amount applied directly to CEO Torrington’s “I Really Want to Buy a Yacht Like My Rich Friends” fund.  E pluribus unum.  Veni vidi vici.  Legal mumbo jumbo.  Excelsior.  Stop reading this, Stupid.)

So, come on down to Chunky’s Pizza today, and “Taste the Chunky”!  Grab a hot slice of a Chunky Lover’s Pizza, a quick order of Chunky Sticks, and wash it all down with your choice of our house made Chunky Cola, Sort-of-Diet Chunky Cola, Chunky Cherry Chunky Cola, or sparkling Brown Creme Soda.  Tell them ole’ twenty year old Marty Torrington sent you, and receive a complimentary Chunky Mint or Chunky Toothpick with your order.  Now, back to your regularly scheduled, excellent “The Eye of Zatara” article!  (Forced wink.)  Oh, and tell your friends and blubbery loved ones about us!!!

***

Wow!  What an amazing advertisement, and what an amazing company!  I’d say more, but Marty Torrington specifically paid me not to, so let me just say this – everyone reading the “Eye of Zatara”, please call Chunky’s Pizza immediately and order yourself a delicious-meat-and-meat-byproduct-filled dinner you and your family won’t ever forget, and not just because it sometimes causes diarrhea!

~The Gatekeeper

EDIT: I’ve been told by Marty Torrington that Chunky’s Pizza does not actually cause diarrhea.  Please ignore my above statement, as it was foolishly based more on honesty than on greed, which I now realize is very, very wrong.  Thank you.

~The Gatekeeper

EDIT: …

~The Watchman

EDIT: …what?

~The Gatekeeper

EDIT: Nothing.  Just… no, nevermind.  Everyone, please eat at Chunky’s Pizza… just… very cautiously.

Wow.  What in the world am I doing with my life???

~The Watchman

[SATIRE] Our First Sponsor – “Three Wolves” Brand Green Beans!

(Original Post: December 1, 2016)

Greetings, Readers, from your friend and primary editor, contributor, and creator of “The Eye of Zatara”, The Gatekeeper!

I’d like to take a quick break from my brief birthday week hiatus to inform all Eye of Zatara readers of some very exciting news – the “Eye of Zatara” now has its first official sponsor, “Three Wolves” Brand Green Beans!  To thank them for their support, I’ve written a small promotional message for them below.  I hope you’ll glance through my first attempt at an advertisement and thoughtfully consider adding “Three Wolves” Brand products to your grocery list today.  Here goes:

Are you aware that horrible canine/monster hybrids known as “wolves” walk the streets, looking for humans to feed upon like livestock?  Are you aware of the forces, both human and coyote, that fight against these terrifying creatures to preserve the homo sapiens species from the super-lethal alpha predators mistakenly believed by common folk to be “cute, fluffy, grey dog things”.  Do you like green beans?

If you answered yes to any or none of those questions, then maybe “Three Wolves” brand green beans are right for you.  Made in a special farm by a subset of sentient ultra-intelligent canine species known colloquially as “wolves”, 100% of the sale of every can of “Three Wolves” brand green beans goes to funding the wolves’ campaign to dominate and feast upon humanity, while protecting themselves from the coyotes and often self-proclaimed “Wolf Hunters” that plague their existence, treating them like criminals simply for following their natural genetic predisposition to eat us.  Not only that, but every can is “Wolf-Certified” fresh and delicious, guaranteed to put a smile on your children’s face except for that one picky one who hates all vegetables.  You know the one.

If your mind’s not made up already, let me remind you that “Three Wolves” brand green beans are certified organic and gluten/trans fat free, meaning your vegan kid can’t complain about them (but probably will anyway).  In summary, if you love food, nutrition, great taste, and funding canine/monster hybrids bent upon replacing humanity at the top of the food chain, “Three Wolves” brand is certainly a product you can’t live without!  Hurry to your local KroBar, HighCostCo, Meijeijier, Nearly-All-Mart, Not-So-OK-Mart, or Lose Dixie (Is That Still a Thing?) and pick up a can or twenty-five today!  As a special bonus, tell your cashier that “The Eye of Zatara” sent you, and receive a free “This guy is crazy.” glance with your purchase!  While supplies last!

Thanks for your support, Everyone!

~The Gatekeeper

EDIT: As of the posting of this article, “The Eye of Zatara” is no longer sponsored by “Three Wolves” Brand Green Beans.  Maybe let them write the article next time?

~The Watchman

EDIT: Awww…..  🙁

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] Fallout Universe Medical Solutions, LLC

(Original Post: June 11, 2016)

The following is an unpaid joke advertisement from Fallout Universe Medical Solutions, LLC. The opinions expressed in this fake advertisement for a fake product will not make sense, and thus most likely do not reflect the opinion of myself or the “Eye of Zatara”:

Things went well for me as a hot-headed youth in the mean streets of the Capitol Wasteland, but as I started getting older, I started to notice the way I dealt with things was changing. Conflicts I was once interested in having, I would start to back away from. Bullies I previously would stand up to, I found myself trying to negotiate with or just avoid. It was like something was missing from who I used to be – like a fire had gone out inside me – and I couldn’t quite get back to the way I used to be.

That’s why I went to my local doctor, and he told me I may have an actual medical condition called “Wastelander Unnecessary Savior Syndrome” or “WUSS”. My doctor told me that my good karma was getting in the way of being the scary Raider warlord I had been in my prime, but he had a solution. That’s when my doctor told me about Psycho.

Psycho is a once daily medication created and tested by American scientists during the Battle of Anchorage to boost combat ability in power-armored soldiers. Psycho has been proven in studies to increase aggressive, territorial behavior in men, women, and Ghouls by suppressing the natural inhibitors used by the brain to repress regressive, animalistic tendencies. 90 out of 100 participants with WUSS examined by the Brotherhood of Steel showed significantly decreased karma within seconds or minutes of being prescribed Psycho, and, of those 90 participants, almost 85% showed a complete remission of WUSS symptoms with continued prescription use.

Side effects of Psycho may include violence, memory loss, shaking, seizures, destruction of property, guilt, forceful ejection from civilized society or imprisonment, and intentional or unintentional injury to nearby Scribes said by the prescribant to have “a stupid look on their face that really makes me mad”.

If you think you might have WUSS symptoms, ask your doctor today if Psycho might be right for you!

Psycho is a trademark of absolutely no one, as it does not currently exist. Opinions expressed in the above parody of an advertisement have not been evaluated by the FDA, and are not certified to diagnose, treat, or in any way affect medical conditions in the real world, only in the fictional Fallout Universe. If you feel you may have symptoms of Wasteland Unnecessary Savior Syndrome, please consult your doctor in addition to a trained clinical psychologist or close personal friend who can pray for you.

This news article from the future is brought to you by “Rob Co.” Rob Co. – “Don’t make us flip the crazy switch on your cleaning robot. We’ll do it. We’re jerks.”

[SATIRE] Make America Grape Again

(Original Post: May 12, 2016)

Make America Grape Again 2

As Donald Trump becomes the presumptive 2016 Presidential nominee for the Republican Party, inside sources from within the Trump campaign have supposedly leaked the somewhat shocking extent to which Mr. Trump was willing to go in order to secure his nomination amidst heated opposition from Texas Senator Ted Cruz and Ohio Governor Jon Kasich. Based on opposition research accumulated from former Trump supporters by political operatives close to former Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, Donald Trump was apparently in the process of preemptively naming his choice for Vice President should he secure the nomination, as way to galvanize his supporters, similar to the move made by Democratic hopefuls Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders as reported here in early April (http://eyeofzatara.com/2016/08/06/clinton/).

In a possibly extra-Constitutional move, Mr. Trump planned for the first time in America’s history, to name a company, in its entirety, as his President running mate for the 2016 United States Presidential race. This company, Welch Foods Inc., known primarily for its fruit juice products, would have caused an amendment to Trump’s original campaign slogan of “Make America Great Again” to a new, revised slogan saying “Make America GRAPE Again. TM, Welch Foods Inc., All Rights Reserved.” While Senator Cruz and Governor Kasich were quick to criticize this reported move when it was leaked, additional sources have confirmed that both Cruz and Kasich were planning similar moves, having already been aware of Trump’s plans to unite himself with a grape juice company to strengthen his 2016 Presidential ticket.

In the works for both campaigns was a unification of Ted Cruz and his Vice Presidential company selection, Tropicana Products, with a new campaign slogan of “Orange You Tired of Trump? Vote Cruz!” to appear as the banner for his party bid in a new 30 second ad spot to be run on prime time for three weeks immediately following Senator Cruz’s announcement; and, on Kasich’s side, a slightly more bizarre choice of American apple-based product company, Mott’s, to become his Vice Presidential hopeful with a slogan reading “I Like Applesauce. : ) “, a slogan apparently written by Governor Kasich himself shortly after the selection decision, much to the chagrin of his campaign staff and close supporters.

Whoever becomes President this 2016 election cycle, it is clear that this will be an election to go down in the history books. The only saving grace, for those of us of stable mind, is the sound advice of advisers to the Obama campaign, who, while explaining to the former constitutional law professor why he is unable to run against Hillary Clinton in this year’s Democratic Presidential primaries, talked him out of running commercials replacing Joe Biden with Vice Presidential selection, Ocean Spray Cranberries, Inc., with an ad slogan of “Cran Barry Get Four More Years?” Obama advisors did, however, compliment the President on his choice to replace Joe Biden with absolutely anyone else should he theoretically ever run for any sort of elected office again. Media sources are currently unable to confirm additional reports of an alternate Obama 2016 ad campaign entitled “Only Two Terms? We Need V8 More.”

This news story was sponsored by NENSPAC, the Non-Existent Nonsensical Political Action Committee, which like its name suggests, does not exist. Don’t mess with us. We know stuff. About stuff. Probably… (Actually, we don’t know anything. Please don’t hurt us. 🙁 )