Kentucky – The Eye of Zatara

(Original Post: February 2, 2017)

In exclusive “The Eye of Zatara” related news, our innovative content and in-depth analyses of important issues from Donald Trump’s Presidential Cabinet to Shonen Jump’s Rurouni Kenshin Super has, at last, paid off, as a new corporate partner has stepped up to fill the shoes of the fickle Three Wolves brand of green beans, becoming our first (hopefully) permanent sponsor.

On the advice of my co-editor, “The Watchman”, I have decided to allow our new sponsor to construct an advertising statement for themselves, rather than attempt to write one myself. So, without further ado, please welcome the famous “Chunky’s Pizza Company” to our happy “The Eye of Zatara” family!

***

Happiness. Tradition. Flavor. These are the values that my grandfather, Harry Torrington, had in mind when he first sat down to make the now famous recipe of his first delicious Chunky’s pizza, a local tradition in the central Kentucky area since 1999. Eighteen years later, after committing my grandfather to a psychiatric hospital after he tried to ride a neighbor’s horse to Lexington and Concord insisting he had to “warn the Minutemen about the Redcoats”, I’ve left my illustrious career in the fast food industry behind to continue my grandfather’s dream of offering delicious pizza to Kentucky families struggling with obesity at a price they can afford without dipping into the coins from their “Liposuction Jar”.

Here at Chunky’s Pizza, now with five convenient Kentucky locations in Lexington, Frankfort, Louisville, Dry Ridge, and Bowling Green, plus a new store in southeastern Louisiana near New Orleans for no explicable reason, we put our hearts into every greasy, heart-clogging food item we prepare for our heavily overweight customer base. Our traditional style “Chunky Marinara Sauce” comes with three types of meats and seven types of meat byproducts mixed directly into the sauce, and our famed “Hand-Tossed Meat Crust” offers the same mix of Grade C local Kentucky meat beaten right into the dough of your pizza for that double “Ten Meat Mix” when then covered by our Chunky Marinara Sauce.

I know. There’s been a lot of talk by some of our competitors on the Internet about that Health Department investigation into our franchise, but, I assure you, the claims that our delicious Chunky Sticks are non-digestible and pass straight through your system intact are baseless smears, made up by those big names in the pizza business to scare you into not giving us any of your business. That’s because they know that once you’ve had your first bite of Chunky’s Pizza, you’ll be hooked, and you won’t ever think about spending your money at a different pizzeria again.

If you’re not sold on Chunky’s Pizza yet, for a limited time, we’re offering all “Eye of Zatara” readers a “Buy One, Get TWO Free” discount on our legendary “Chunky Lover’s” specialty pizza, a 20 inch large pizza pie on our mouth-watering Hand-Tossed Meat Crust slathered almost to the point of being soggy with our ten meat Chunky Marinara Sauce, and then covered generously with layers of Chunky Cheese, old Old World Pepperoni, spicy Italian sausage boils, Black Forest Fire Ham, genuine semi-bacon sprinkles, and a complimentary cup of garlicy Chunky Butter on the side to dip your pizza in for an extra shot of delicious Chunky’s flavor should you so choose!

(Note: “Buy One, Get TWO Free” offer is for Carryout Only, and requires a minimum order of $20 excluding the cost of the initial Chunky’s Lover pizza required to earn two additional Chunky’s Lover pizzas free. Offer may not be available in some, or all locations, and is only valid on weekdays after 5 pm excluding Tuesdays. Many restrictions may apply. Sales tax on an order in which this offer is applied will be doubled for no apparent reason, with the second sales tax amount applied directly to CEO Torrington’s “I Really Want to Buy a Yacht Like My Rich Friends” fund. E pluribus unum. Veni vidi vici. Legal mumbo jumbo. Excelsior. Stop reading this, Stupid.)

So, come on down to Chunky’s Pizza today, and “Taste the Chunky”! Grab a hot slice of a Chunky Lover’s Pizza, a quick order of Chunky Sticks, and wash it all down with your choice of our house made Chunky Cola, Sort-of-Diet Chunky Cola, Chunky Cherry Chunky Cola, or sparkling Brown Creme Soda. Tell them ole’ twenty year old Marty Torrington sent you, and receive a complimentary Chunky Mint or Chunky Toothpick with your order. Now, back to your regularly scheduled, excellent “The Eye of Zatara” article! (Forced wink.) Oh, and tell your friends and blubbery loved ones about us!!!

***

Wow! What an amazing advertisement, and what an amazing company! I’d say more, but Marty Torrington specifically paid me not to, so let me just say this – everyone reading the “Eye of Zatara”, please call Chunky’s Pizza immediately and order yourself a delicious-meat-and-meat-byproduct-filled dinner you and your family won’t ever forget, and not just because it sometimes causes diarrhea!

~The Gatekeeper

EDIT: I’ve been told by Marty Torrington that Chunky’s Pizza does not actually cause diarrhea. Please ignore my above statement, as it was foolishly based more on honesty than on greed, which I now realize is very, very wrong. Thank you.

~The Gatekeeper

EDIT: …

~The Watchman

EDIT: …what?

~The Gatekeeper

EDIT: Nothing. Just… no, nevermind. Everyone, please eat at Chunky’s Pizza… just… very cautiously.

Wow. What in the world am I doing with my life???

~The Watchman

(Original Post: January 1, 2017)

In startling news affecting all staff of “The Eye of Zatara”, an angry mob of protesters, furious after learning that most of the articles of the blog were satirical, chased co-editors “The Gatekeeper” and “The Watchman” clean out of the state brandishing a variety of firearms, pitchforks, and “poking sticks”, despite a failed attempt by “The Gatekeeper” to sing Stephen Foster’s “My Old Kentucky Home” to soothe the crowd.

The musical tribute to his home state worked at first, until “The Gatekeeper” could no longer correctly remember his state song’s lyrics, and began to blur them with the words from other, more generally patriotic tunes, singing “The day goes by like a shadow o’er the heart, With bombs bursting all through the long night, The time has come when red rockets blow apart, All but the flag in the dawn’s early light.” and “Weep no more my lady, for amber waves of grain! For the flag still waves o’er my old Kentucky home, and o’er its purple mountains, home to free and brave.”

At this point, the angry mob howled with bestial fury and a Husqvarna chainsaw was revved up from somewhere in their midst, causing The Gatekeeper and The Watchman to completely abandon any hope of calming their pursuers, and flee for their lives as far south of their former Kentucky brethren as possible, ultimately disappearing in the misty bayous of Louisiana to shake off the last of their dogged hunters before having their possessions transported to a northern New Orleans area safehouse to continue their questionable blogging practices.

“It was inevitable,” The Watchman reported, out of breath, once he and The Gatekeeper had, at last, made it out of mortal danger from their pursuers. “For years, the kind people of Kentucky put up with the growing madness of The Gatekeeper as he honed his undefinable mix of real life inspiration, witty satire, gibberish-like nonsense, subtle references to popular culture, and pure, all-consuming madness. It was only natural that as his ridiculousness reached its peak in the creation of ‘The Eye of Zatara’ blog, it would garner a little backlash from those who had hit the maximum limit of mental destruction from The Gatekeeper that their psyches could bear. Frankly, it is a true compliment to the people of Kentucky that they even lasted so long. We can only pray that our new friends and neighbors in Louisiana will be able to hold out half as long as The Gatekeeper’s delusional tendencies continue still to grow…”

As of the posting of this article, “The Eye of Zatara” staff is safe and sound, and will be producing new content for their blog as soon as possible, unwilling to let a “little thing” like being forcibly driven from their homes stop their right to free expression.

“The Watchman tried to say I should tone it down a bit.” The Gatekeeper admitted, shaking his head, speaking to unnamed “The Eye of Zatara” supporters in an underground bunker earlier this morning. “Tone it down? Like I can tone down the truth! People need to know about Lex Luthor selling Kryptonite rocks via Nordstorm, CBC creating a new Christmas special about Blixo, the ‘Red State Reindeer’, and a ‘Rurouni Kenshin – Super!’ anime and manga coming soon to Japan. My colleague, The Watchman, may call it ‘satire’, but I call it ‘investigative journalism’, and will continue to use the platform ‘The Eye of Zatara’ affords me to inform the American people about these important news stories overlooked by the mainstream media.”

The Gatekeeper then spiked up his hair and gave a thumbs up, before attempting to sound like an immature child.

“That’s my Nindo, my Ninja Way! Believe it!”

“Heaven help us…” The Watchman reportedly added, sighing and shaking his head with a very exhausted look on his face. “I feel like the straight man in a Sonic Drive-In commercial…”

Whatever their future holds, it seems clear that “The Eye of Zatara” plans to continue producing new content in 2017, albeit from their new base location in southeastern Louisiana. As infuriated Kentuckians give up the search one by one for the state’s former residents, and an innocent flock of Louisianians gradually begin to become aware of the insane Frankenstein’s monster now dwelling among them, “The Eye of Zatara” bids a sad farewell to the state that put up with them and their nonsense far longer than seems humanly possible, wondering how long it will be before the next mob drives them away again to another distant corner of the vast Continental United States or far beyond…

Tag: Kentucky

[SATIRE] “The Eye of Zatara” Driven from State of Kentucky By Angry Mob