Tag: Sort of Serious

(Original Post: December 23, 2016)
*Read to the bottom for a special holiday message from the “Eye of Zatara”.

From the makers of “Wendy’s Frosty the Tasty Snowman” and the writers of “It’s the Offensive St. Patrick’s Day Irish Stereotype, Charlie Brown!”, this Christmas Day, experience a new holiday classic unlike any you’ve ever seen before.  Gather your politically-informed children around the tree and roast chestnuts on a burning collection of your multiple “I Voted” stickers while witnessing the untold story of Santa’s favorite back-up reindeer, “Blixo”, as he sets out on his own magical holiday adventure of social enlightenment in “Blixo, the Red State Reindeer,” premiering Christmas Day on your local CBC affiliate station!

Join Blixo, an otherwise happy and friendly little reindeer from the heavily Republican-controlled state of Texas, as under the influence of conservative talk radio and the Fox News Channel, he fails to identify newly-elected King of the North Pole, the sinister Grummold Grump, as the racist, con artist, and hatemonger that he is, spouting patent absurdities like “Why not at least give him a chance?” or “Maybe you shouldn’t call him a fascist just because you disagree with him politically?”

Everything changes for Blixo, however, after his more tolerant and compassionate friends block him one by one on Facebook until, at last, the lonely little reindeer (and hopefully your more independent-thinking children, as well!) realizes through social shaming and absolute conformity of idea the error of having his own opinion without being looked down on or insulted.  Unable to bear the election of Grummold Grump any longer, Blixo joins Rudolph and the gang in a riotous romp of rage and vandalism through the streets of Santa’s Christmas Town, coming upon Mr. Grump’s wife just as she prepares to board a commercial sleigh flight, and shouting her down with entitlement-driven insults and anger.

In the end, Blixo learns that the greatest Christmas present of all is to use the power of social media to paint everyone he disagrees with personally and politically as a World-War-starting dictator, and to never accept or respect the results of any election unless it conforms exactly with his own opinion.  The song at the end of the tale summarizes the entire wondrous holiday story, and will keep your children singing happily throughout the remainder of our country’s brief existence before the “End of Days” (the coming inauguration of President-Elect Donald J. Trump).  As a thank you for all your support of the CBC Network this year, we’ve gone ahead and included the lyrics for this new musical classic at the end of this article below.  Teach your children the words ahead of time for extra social justice bonus points – it’s like saving a tree, but without any of that exhausting cost and sacrifice that saving a tree normally requires!

Happy all-inclusive, not-necessarily-religious, government-sanctioned Work Holidays, Everyone!

***

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen
They all voted rightly, even that rogue Blitzen
But where you aware?
Of the Red State Reindeer who just didn’t care?

Popular leftist opinion,
Says that Grummold Grump is mean,
And if you dare a challenge,
You’ll verbally have your clock cleaned.
All of the other reindeer are tolerant as they can be,
Clearly, if you voted for Grump, you must be a racist, see?

Blixo is a reindeer from a Red State – yes, those old hicks,
Who aren’t educated enough to vote right, probably because they’re from the sticks.

So, if you aren’t a hater,
Compare Grump to Hitler on Facebook,
Otherwise, next time I see you,
I’ll give you that judgmental look.

You know the one I reference,
That liberal-guilt-filled, judgmental look!

***
EDIT: Seriously, people, all the Gatekeeper’s ridiculousness and cleverish satire aside, I know those of you on the left don’t like Donald Trump, and can’t stand the fact that he won the election.  I didn’t vote for him, either.  (I actually voted Independent for the first and hopefully last time ever.)  But, can we all tone down the rhetoric a little?  Donald Trump is no Mother Teresa, but he’s not Hitler, he’s not Stalin, he’s just a very egotistical man who got elected because people are so tired of being lied to by the political establishment that they were willing to vote for anyone that promised them something different who actually looked like he had a shot of winning and doing a decent job of leading the country.  As we approach Christmas Day, the time many of us celebrate our Lord and Savior’s miraculous birth, and a commonly-recognized time of peace and joy for even those without strong religious belief, can we not come together for a few days as a country and agree to some boundary lines beyond which we won’t go in insulting people we disagree with politically?  Just something to think about…

Merry Christmas, Everyone.

~The Watchman