Tag: Sports

(Original Post: February 6, 2017)

In a historic turnaround victory that went into overtime for the first time in Super Bowl history, the New England Patriots defeated the Atlanta Falcons 34 to 28 to claim their fifth Super Bowl victory in Super Bowl LI, despite being losing by as much as 25 points to the Falcons earlier in the game.  After a riotous celebration in NRG Stadium in Houston, however, the New England Patriots left the sports arena to return home for a long, well-deserved rest in their hotel room only to be confronted in the parking lot by a cast of actual falcons bent on avenging their namesake in the NFL, swooping down on the unsuspecting players in mass like a Biblical plague.

“It was awful.” an unnamed player from the Patriots team was overheard explaining to Coach Bill Belichick several hours later once Animal Control and EMS had arrived on scene to assist with the unexpected zoological phenomenon.  “There we were, exiting proudly out of the stadium as champions, Vince Lombardi Trophy in hand, when suddenly we saw what looked like a fast-moving cloud approach us from overhead.  By the time we realized they were birds, we were too far away from the stadium entrance to make it back inside in time.  After that, all I remember is being surrounded by feathers and talons.  Feathers and talons.  It was so terrible.  And the screeching.  No… I don’t think I’ll ever forget the screeching…”

Avian experts from across the globe have weighed in to explain the sudden, unexpected attack of what has been confirmed as nearly two thousand peregrine falcons descending at once upon the Super Bowl stadium in Houston, and viciously attacking one of the most successful NFL franchises in the history of football.  Suggested causes have ranged on one hand of the scientific spectrum to unlikely but plausible instigators like global warming or habitat displacement to more radical and supernatural causes such as sorcery, telepathy, and the specific genetic breeding of “attack falcons” by anti-Patriot NFL fans unwilling to let the turnaround defeat of the Atlanta Falcons by the Patriots go unanswered.

“Well, I’m not really supposed to say things like this, but I’m pretty sure it was Lady Gaga.” Sports commentator and former NFL superstar Terry Bradshaw weighed in, in an exclusive interview with SLNC News’ Timothy Gibbings this morning.  “Whatever it is that lady has become, it’s definitely not human.  It wouldn’t surprise me if whatever… thing… she was doing with her body during the Halftime Show didn’t summon these birds out of whatever alternate universe of monsters that girl got her creepy blue leotard and face mask from.  I’m serious about this.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I haven’t eaten in a good five minutes, and someone in Row 2, Seat 35 forgot to take their delicious hot dog with them when they left the stadium tonight.”

Terry Bradshaw then began drooling right on camera, before slipping, unknowingly, into a Homer Simpson accent.

“Mmmm… hot dog.”

While most of the details of the otherworldly falcon attack on the New England Patriots outside NRG Stadium have been more or less sorted out overnight by diligent reporters, one disturbing rumor has persisted since the incident despite any particular evidence to prove or disprove it, with Bill Belichick has thus far refusing to comment on the situation or even acknowledge the unusual question when asked directly by reporters.

“Where’s Tom Brady?” Roger Goodell was reportedly overheard saying to several of the New England Patriots players shortly after the falcon strike, while first aid kits were rushed out to the players to treat their litany of bloody, claw-shaped laceration wounds.

The players reportedly shrugged.

Since then, unconfirmed sources have posted a video to YouTube which supposedly shows the five time Super-Bowl-winning quarterback being carried away by a human-shaped mass of circling and flying peregrine falcons vaguely reminiscent in its silhouette to a skeletal, scythe-wielding Grim Reaper and cloak.  The video shows the quarterback shouting desperately at the birds to let him down, before disappearing into the clouds over Houston crying “I know I wasn’t supposed to win!  I know it was Atlanta’s time to shine!  I remember all the warnings, and I tried my best to lose, I really did!  I swear it!  But, even when I’m intentionally trying to make as many bad passes and plays as possible, I’m still Tom Brady, Baby!  Tom Bleeping Brady!  I can’t lose even when I want to!  Is another Patriots Super Bowl win really that much of an affront to nature itself?”  The question went unanswered, as the supposed video of Tom Brady’s avian abduction cut off at that point.  So far, no sight or sound has been heard of Tom Brady in the media since the incident, but neither has any trace of him been noticed hovering in the skies of Houston engulfed in birds, although small showers of salty, tear-like rain drops have been reported throughout the city of Houston since the falcon attack, a usual sign of Tom Brady’s presence in any given location, according to meteorologists familiar with the often weepy star quarterback.

As football fans throughout the world try to make sense of the results of Super Bowl LI, and also with the most terrifying video-recorded attack of black-winged birds since the days of Alfred Hitchcock, the Atlanta Falcons and New England Patriots are both left alone to lick their respective wounds, one figurative and one literal, each bearing the scars of one of the most interesting and eventful games in NFL history.  Fans of Tom Brady may bear the biggest emotional burden right now, however, as they try to determine the whereabouts of the New England Patriots’ leading man, leaving some to take wildly to the streets of Houston tossing footballs high into the air hoping that Brady, if he’s up there, can catch them and weigh himself down enough with the balls to descend from his flying prison among the Grim Reaper of birds holding him hostage.  Some have raised concern that the air in the balls may serve to counteract their purpose, however, working like balloons to only all the more keep the five time Super-Bowl-winning quarterback aloft in the warm air of Texas.  Justin Hargrove, an avid Brady fan, and local Houston resident reported to CBC News he is not worried about such concerns, however, in a short interview with CBC’s Michael Hamden.

“I’m not big on science or nothing, but, frankly, I think the weight of the ball is more important to the equation here than the lightness of the air contained within it.” A possibly inebriated Mr. Hargrove explained, while brushing pork rind crumbs off of his salsa-stained lucky white Game Day T-shirt.  “But, even if it DID turn out to be a problem, somehow… we all know Brady’s the kind of guy who wouldn’t have any trouble at all letting just enough air out of the balls to give him the edge he needs over the falcons.”

“I agree.” Terry Bradshaw interjected, having somehow wandered into the front lawn of Mr. Hargrove during his interview with CBC News’ Michael Hamden.  “By the way, is that barbecue I smell?”