(Original Post: August 25, 2016)
In a surprising announcement from spokesman Hijiro Sadokawa at a handheld gaming symposium in Ikebukuro on Sunday, Nintendo has officially confirmed what many in the Pokémon community had already come to suspect.
“It has been over twenty years since the creation of our beloved Pokémon franchise by Satoshi Tajiri in 1995, and, frankly, we’re just out of ideas.” Hijiro confessed before a crowd of gamers gathered for their “Future of Pokémon” panel at the symposium. “We’ve done cats, dogs, birds, ghosts, even an ice cream sundae Pokémon, and, frankly, our creative team just doesn’t have anything left.”
“This does not, however, mean the end of the Pokémon franchise.” Hijiro then went on to clarify, as several overweight older men in Pikachu T-shirts broke down crying in the middle of the crowd. “Instead of featuring new Pokémon, all future Pokémon games, partially starting with Pokémon Sun and Moon, will feature fresh, revolutionary new variations of already existing Pokémon in awesome and exciting alternate color schemes!”
Looking to the left and right of his small stage to confirm the presence of symposium security on either side of him, Hijiro dodged a tomato chucked at his head by a female cosplayer dressed as a Bulbasaur and tried desperately to continue his prepared remarks over the audible booing of the now dwindling crowd of distraught Pokémaniacs.
“We understand this will be a big transition for the Pokémon community to make, which is why we are including several new Pokémon designs in Pokémon Sun and Moon, to help make this as gradual a process as possible for our fans.” Hijiro shouted as a large, hairy man dressed head-to-toe in pink Clefairy-adorned Pokémon merchandise made a quick, unsuccessful attempt to rush the stage, stopped by several members of the symposium’s security detail at the last second before reaching Spokesman Tajiri. “We’ve gathered together all the rejected designs submitted by our creative staff over the years, and from several members of the team’s elementary age children, and transformed them into real, new Pokémon to be included in Pokémon Sun and Moon along with our alternate version Pokémon from Pokémon Red, Blue, and Green. I mean, haven’t you ever wanted a donkey Pokémon that fights with dirt? Meet Mudbray! How about a dead-looking Pikachu that’s actually a ghost? Mimikyu may just be for you! How about a space debris Pokémon that can be broken in battle? Just watch out for Minior showers!”
As the remainder of the once massive crowd gathered before Hijiro for his panel then began to actively throw fan-made Pokéballs (and a couple of actual rocks they called “Geodudes”) at Mr. Sadokawa in mass, symposium security quickly shutdown his panel for the Nintendo spokesman’s safety, and closed the symposium early for the day, promising to post the remainder of Hijiro’s press release on their website for later viewing by event-goers in its entirety. It is unclear if that actually happened, however, as shortly after the time that Mr. Sadokawa’s speech was promised to appear on their website, hackers replaced the full contents of the symposium’s webspace with an animated .gif of Ash Ketchum from the Pokémon anime crying while surrounded by the logos for Pokémon Sun and Moon.
When asked on social media for a follow-up statement to his remarks at the Annual Ikebukuro August Handheld Gaming Symposium, Hijiro Sadokawa simply remarked “If they don’t like it, I guess there’s always Pokémon Go.” Multiple news outlets reported, however, in the following minute, 50% of the overweight, single male demographic of the world shrugged in unison while chorusing “Meh.”
Satoshi Tajiri did not return our calls for a comment, but unnamed sources report a 800% increase in the number of Kleenex boxes and gift cards for comfort food restaurants purchased from his Amazon Prime account and delivered to his residence in the days since the shocking announcement.