(Original Post: January 1, 2017)
A man in New York City has filed suit against a small circle of friends at a New Year’s Eve party he attended last night claiming that after a rousing rendition of the classic New Year’s Eve carol, “Auld Lang Syne”, by their host, the highly suggestible 38 year resident of the Bronx took the song to heart and “let old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind,” and now cannot remember the names or faces of multiple childhood friends, high school classmates, church acquaintances, and co-workers, causing considerable damage to both his social identity and reputation as a result.
“I work at a furniture store on 2017th Street,” the now acquaintance-less Bernie Roberts of New York explained to Michael Hamden of CBC News earlier this afternoon, “Unlike many other businesses in the area, we were open on New Year’s Day promoting a special sale of up to 50% off select furniture, but when I arrived for my shift, I suddenly realized I didn’t recognize more than one or two of my co-workers, and everyone else was just a blank. I tried my best to pretend that nothing was wrong, but the jig was up pretty quick when I made a crack about how ridiculous it was we were open on New Year’s Day, completely unaware that I was speaking to our boss who had made that very decision. I was nearly fired on the spot. Only by explaining my condition was I able to get out of termination, and only after promising to work extra shifts on my days off for the next couple of months. It’s awful, and it’s all that darned New Year’s song’s fault!”
His career was not the only part of his life affected by the sudden short and long-term memory loss, however, if Mr. Roberts is to be believed.
“Our in-laws are in town for the holidays. You should have seen the look on my wife’s face when I could not remember her mother’s name.” Mr. Roberts admitted with a growing looking of desperation in his eyes. “I thought she was a door-to-door salesman. I told her to ‘Go bother someone else.’ before my wife came out, right on time to hear what I said. I, uh… well, Margerie… my, um, wife hasn’t exactly come home since that…”
Trying to determine the extent of his memory loss, Mr. Roberts opened up his Farcebook account to see how many of his friends on the popular social media site he could still remember. The results were not encouraging.
“Of 207 friends, I can clearly remember about 13.” Mr. Roberts admitted sadly, beginning to grow uncomfortable the more he talked about his unbelievable condition. “Most of them were close family members, a a few of my better friends, and my pastor. Thank goodness I can still remember him. He’s the one I called after Margerie… left with her parents. It’s probably only because we really connected at this big church barbeque in November. Apparently, he’s a big Steelers fan like me, which is pretty rare here in New York.”
When asked how his plan to sue his few remaining friends would help to alleviate his potentially permanent personal damage, Mr. Roberts paused for a moment before giving his answer.
“It won’t. But, perhaps…” Mr. Roberts said with a heavy sigh. “It will give me the resources to get the help I need, or, at the very least, the resources I need to move on…”
At this point in the interview, an unnamed “Eye of Zatara” source allowed to tag along on the CBC News interview due to a personal connection with Mr. Hamden interjected, much to the chagrin of the intrepid CBC News reporter.
“You realize the lyrics about forgetting acquaintances in ‘Auld Lang Syne’ are rhetorical, right?”
“Wha… what?” Bernie Roberts answered shakily, horrified at what he was hearing.
“It’s a rheotorical question. It’s not actually telling you to forget all your old acquaintances. It’s asking whether it’s a good thing to let good friendships be lost in the passage of time. It’s really more of a call to remember your old friends, not forget them.”
“I… I see…” Mr. Roberts answered, his voice cracking with raw emotion. “I didn’t… I really didn’t… know that.”
At this point, the CBC News interview had to be terminated as the interviewee, Mr. Bernie Roberts of New York, had an emotional breakdown in the middle of Michael Hamden’s office, and had to be forcibly removed from the building by security. There are currently no scheduled plans to continue the interview any time soon.