Author: The Historian

[SATIRE] The “Eye of Zatara” Investigates –
THE CUBE EARTH THEORY

[Original Article: Sunday, October 31, 2021]

There are some things about the world around us that we tend not to question, things we believe in and cling to so whole-heartedly, we cannot even imagine them being any different– the color of the sky, for instance, or the taste of fresh apple pie.  But what if one of these fundamental truths about our world could be challenged, or even proven wrong?  What would we say to these facts?  Would we even accept them at all?

The earth is a marvelous place, a sphere with a circumference of over 40,000 kilometers.  But what if the earth isn’t a sphere at all?  What if the earth, that we all know and love, is actually a cube, a wayward dice cast into our humble little solar system by some great celestial being that got caught in the gravity of our friendly yellow Sun and began a small orbit around it millennia ago?  What if everything that our government have ever told us about the nature of the earth was propaganda meant to keep us from finding out we are living on borrowed time, travelers on the side of a cube in a massive galactic game of craps?  A game that someday soon will continue… rolling our earth and everything on it into some unknown part of the galaxy again as our macrocosmic benefactor struggles in vain to win their celestial equivalent of casino chips using us.  Would you accept that?

Those who gamble often, may acknowledge a fickle mistress known as “Lady Luck” when hoping cards or dice to turn in their favor.  Similarly, the spirit of wilderness on our own beloved “planet” is often referred by the maternal monicker, “Mother Nature”.  What if these two feminine figures of nature and chance are one and the same, the essence of the unique cube-shaped “world” we call our own?  Pablo Picasso, when developing as an artist, started with the style of “realism”, but grew to surpass it, turning to a new style that he himself would pioneer, a style known as “cubism” – as “cubism” is apparently the next step beyond our current concept of “realism”.

We see proof of this in more recent events, as well.  Why would NASA have to fake the moon landing, when the moon is so very close to our own dear sweet little planet, and should be easy for us to send a ship up, even with 1960’s technology, and land on?  Because NASA did not realize that the moon, like our Earth, is also a six-sided cube, and missed the moon with their Apollo 11 rocket, landing instead on the planet of Mars, and forcing them to send faked footage of Neil Armstrong’s landing to television viewers back home while overlaying this footage with the real audio of Apollo 11’s crew landing on what they thought was the moon… but was actually Mars.

Even in fictional media, we see dice at the center of some of our most prominent thoughts about space and time, with a golden dice hanging from the top of the Millennium Falcon’s cockpit in Star Wars, drawing added attention in more recent entries in the franchise, a dice that… unbeknownst to all but the most hardcore of Star Wars fans… says ‘This Is Earth’ in ancient Corellian across it.  How could this completely true and completely unfabricated fact be real if we do not, in fact, live on a planet that is known by some to be a cube?

Here is an experiment that you can try at home that clearly proves that the Earth is not round or flat, but is actually a cube.  Find a long, flat table in your house that is capable of supporting your weight and carefully climb on top of it after cleaning off everything else on the table that could otherwise invalidate your experiment.  Stand on the very center of the table and begin walking slowly to the table’s edge one step at a time, and then continue walking after you reach the end of the table.  You fall down and hurt yourself, right?  Well, have you ever fallen down and hurt yourself while walking in a straight line on a mostly flat part of the Earth?  No, you haven’t, right?  Then, the Earth can’t be flat.  Next, find something round like a bean bag chair laying around your house and set it down in the center of the table from before, repeating the experiment while starting, this time, on top of the bean bag chair and walking forward until you fall off the end of the table again.  OUCH!  The earth can’t be round then!  Finally, take a small step ladder and set it down in front of the end of the table to simulate the edge of a cubed planet’s surface and repeat the experiment one more time, but when you get to the edge of the table, walk down the step ladder instead of continuing forward off the edge of the now perpendicular corner of your experimental model of Earth.  See?  You didn’t get hurt this time, just like in real life!  The earth MUST, in fact, be a cube!

Now that you have this knowledge, the question for you then is what to do with it.  Many corrupt forces in our world such as the United States government, China, Bigfoot, Facebook, the international “Big Five” companies, Blockbuster Video, and my Great Aunt Gertrude will belittle, insult, or even threaten you if they hear you speaking the truth about our six-sided planet Earth.  They may even block you from Facebook or, worse, coerce all your friends into un-Friending you like they did all of mine!  (I know it was YOU behind that, Aunt Gertrude, and don’t expect me not to bring it up this Thanksgiving!!!)  Knowing that our world is not round (or even flat) like many around you will constantly assert may lead to nothing but trouble for you, maybe even causing you to second guess (or even abandon) your new beliefs so the hatred and mockery you experience will end.

However, I believe there is value in knowing the truth, value that goes beyond “popular” and “unpopular”, beyond “likes” and “dislikes”, beyond even “friends” and “enemies”.  The truth is the truth no matter how Facebook, Bigfoot, Blockbuster Video, and your extended family respond to it.  And, the truth is, the Earth IS a cube, believe it or not.  They may say there are two sides to every story, but there is only one side to truth… and that side says there are six sides… to the truth about Earth.  What will you choose to believe?

~The Historian

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A wonderful article by The Historian!  Way better than that stupid one you wrote about wolves a few years back that was so unpopular it forced us to fire you for a while.  You might actually last on the payroll a whole year this time!  Here’s hoping, old friend!

~The Gatekeeper

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You talk as if any of us actually get paid for this…

~The Watchman

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😛

~The Gatekeeper

 

[SATIRE] PLAUSIBLE HISTORY: “Wolves”

Greetings from The Watchman.

Six months ago this week, “The Eye of Zatara” was officially launched, and the mental health of the United States of America began a slow but steady decline.  In spite of my warning to this blog’s readers to steer clear of the ridiculousness personified in our articles, the madness contained here has continued to expand, engulfing topics as wide and varied as Star Trek planets voting themselves out of the Cardassian Union, DeLoreans disappearing into thin air after Tesla Autopilots are installed into them, and Olympic torch runners lighting villages on fire.  Today, in alignment with goals that make sense to absolutely no one but The Gatekeeper, we welcome, for the first time, a new contributing member of our “The Eye of Zatara” team, a man known simply as “The Historian” who may be slightly closer to a straight jacket and padded cell than even The Gatekeeper himself.  For all you history buffs out there who stumble across this so-called “blog” of misinformation, please, turn off your computer, load up a good documentary on Netflix, maybe find a good non-fiction book on Kindle, but, whatever you do, do not believe a single word typed by the hands of The Historian.  If at all possible, do not even read them.

That said, on the absolute insistence of The Gatekeeper, I now teeth-clenchingly welcome my new co-editor and contributing writer, a wonderfully paranoid man of questionable sanity and knowledge, whose debut piece on “The Eye of Zatara” is a brief, drooling lecture on the veracity-lacking history of otherworldly creatures he, for some reason, refers to as “wolves”, but whose origins and very existence are far more questionable than even that of commonly investigated cryptozoological mysteries such as the chupacabra.  If you care nothing for yourself and the logical integrity of your rational mind, if through self-loathing you have developed the psychological equivalent of a strong death wish, or if you are simply too ignorant to take my repeated warnings to heart… please enjoy this first post below from The Historian in a new series of articles I have generously entitled “Plausible History”.  Without further ado, here is “Plausible History: Wolves”.

~From “The Watchman”

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Greetings from The Historian!

I am so very happy to finally be a part of “The Eye of Zatara” family, having been an avid reader for several days now after accidentally mistyping a URL in an attempt to read another website I visit more often.  Today, in a new segment on “The Eye of Zatara” entitled “Plausible History”, I plan to discuss in detail a lesser known historical legacy of the monstrous breed of canines known colloquially as “wolves”, creatures I myself have spent many years following and researching at great risk to my own health and well being, believing that some day my knowledge would come to be of use to the world’s history lovers, hopefully including you!

Let us now begin.

[[PLAUSIBLE HISTORY: WOLVES]]

Wolves.  Believed by many to be one Balto-esque journey away from being man’s next best friend and hero, a fluffy, grey-haired savior in the guise of a long canine snout and four padded paws.  But what are wolves really?  Are they really as simple and straightforward as they seem?  Are they really so kind?  Or, are they actually… the most evil creatures to have ever spawned upon God’s green earth since the now long extinct Apocalypseasaurus Rex, a furry Pandora’s Box waiting to unleash all the evils of creation upon those who view them as little more than the overgrown ancestors of their beloved childhood pets.

While some look like dogs, wolves are not a single type of creature, but a variety of terrifying, monstrous man-eaters capable (depending on the breed) of flying, breathing fire, turning invisible, conjuring massive bolts of electrical power like lightning, or even living off blood like a vampire. Believed to have first been summoned to this world in the year 1701 by Sir Isaac Newton through dark, alchemical rituals intended to create a Philosopher’s Stone, but were mostly purged from the world during the English Inquisition of 1835, a counterpart to the Spanish Inquisition started one year after its predecessor’s conclusion, specifically to rid England of wolves and those friendly to and colluding with the horrid creatures.  A second wave of wolves, of two very slightly different breeds, were conjured independently by Russia’s Joseph Stalin and Japanese Emperor Hirohito in the opening days of World War II, combining alchemical texts from Sir Isaac Newton with those of Nostradamus, Dante, Paracelsus, Leonardo de Vinci, and Morgan Le Fey in an attempt to bolster their human forces with equally lethal non-human counterparts, the documents acquired from a hidden cache uncovered beneath the ancient site of Camelot in a white marble tomb inscribed with the name of ancient proto-wizard Merlin.

While these pure original wolves were terrifying enough, some were not content to let their true potential go unrealized.  As the intermingling three species of unmodified wolf spread throughout all the world’s eight continents (Including Xanadu), adapting to a variety of natural environments and feeding upon humans like cattle, many were soon captured and experimented upon by twisted scientists who selective bred out their various traits and capabilities to create refined, elemental varieties of wolf now identified by each of their new primary natures, the “Fire Wolf”, “Ice Wolf”, “Sugar Wolf”, “Dream Wolf”, and “Moose Wolf” coming into being among many other kinds.

Many of these new wolves grew to overcome their captors, however, and now, armed with sentience and a humanesque level of intelligence comparable to fans of Beyonce, form a secret nation of their own in the shadows of this world that works together to attack innocent humans in the same way that carnivorous lions hunt gazelles.  How much control they have over the affairs of this world is uncertain, but their cognitive ability is said to rival, or even surpass us, in some of their more intelligent species like the “Vampire Wolf”, so anything is surely possible.  It is possible that even the United Nations itself has been infiltrated by wolves?  It seems likely.  Perhaps the wolves were even the true source of the hacked DNC emails believed by some to have changed the outcome of the 2016 U.S. Presidential election in favor of now President Donald J. Trump?  Surely, this would explain the lack of an Executive Order from the President blocking wolves from entering the country until further notice, as he has done with refugees from seven Islamic countries.  Could the wolves perhaps even be the true backers of the ridiculously stupid “A Dog’s Purpose” movie, an attempt to create propaganda with which to dull the senses of gullible humans against the ferocity hidden in the canine form, blinding them to the terror that are the more dog-like breeds of wolf, wolves just as dangerous as their more serpentine counterparts (the “Dragon Wolves”)?

How do wolves raise money, you ask, for such wicked schemes?  By taking it out of the wallets of their victims, for one, but primarily, by selling cans of their somehow world famous “Three Wolves” brand green beans!  The evidence is right there on the can – you can see the wolves on the label!  The Illuminati… the New World Order… all these dark forces are connected to wolves and their green beans!  World War III will not be a war of man against man as many people expect, but a war of man against wolf, human against canine, as we fight for our ultimate survival against our otherwise soon-to-be lupine monster overlords who view us the same way that we view a Chunky’s Pizza!  DON’T YOU SEE?  THEY WILL RULE US ALL IF WE DO NOT RESIST THEM!  THEY CANNOT BE STOPPED WITH MERE PASSIVITY!  WE MUST UNITE TOGETHER AS HOMO SAPIENS AND CRUSH THE WOLVES OF THE WORLD BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!!!

Ahem.

I’ve been told by The Watchman that this is all I have space to say today, so I will end things at this point.  Please keep your eyes peeled, however, for the next eye-opening segment of “Plausible History” as I discuss the lost continent of Atlantis, the history of collectible card games, and the Earl of Sandwich’s illegal human cloning project, or maybe none of these things!  Until then, please remember the lessons of history.  After all, as the old saying goes, “Those who do not learn history are going to fail their history class and are doomed to repeat it.”  Wise words indeed there.

As The Gatekeeper often says, “Watch out for wolves, Everyone!”

~The Historian

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EDIT: Thank you, The Historian, for your excellent article, and welcome to “The Eye of Zatara” staff!  I love all the information about wolves, but maybe you should go into more depth on it sometime.  How about a “Plausible History: Wolves – Part Two” in the next week or two???

~The Gatekeeper

EDIT: Part Two???

Oh, heaven help us, please no.  I can’t… after reading that, I just can’t… I might just end ten years of sobreity right here after reading that.  I need… I need a tylenol…

~The Watchman

EDIT: Maybe we should have a party to celebration “The Historian” joining the team.

Anyone else suddenly hungry for green beans?

~The Gatekeeper