Tag: Conspiracy

[SATIRE] The “Eye of Zatara” Investigates –
THE CUBE EARTH THEORY

[Original Article: Sunday, October 31, 2021]

There are some things about the world around us that we tend not to question, things we believe in and cling to so whole-heartedly, we cannot even imagine them being any different– the color of the sky, for instance, or the taste of fresh apple pie.  But what if one of these fundamental truths about our world could be challenged, or even proven wrong?  What would we say to these facts?  Would we even accept them at all?

The earth is a marvelous place, a sphere with a circumference of over 40,000 kilometers.  But what if the earth isn’t a sphere at all?  What if the earth, that we all know and love, is actually a cube, a wayward dice cast into our humble little solar system by some great celestial being that got caught in the gravity of our friendly yellow Sun and began a small orbit around it millennia ago?  What if everything that our government have ever told us about the nature of the earth was propaganda meant to keep us from finding out we are living on borrowed time, travelers on the side of a cube in a massive galactic game of craps?  A game that someday soon will continue… rolling our earth and everything on it into some unknown part of the galaxy again as our macrocosmic benefactor struggles in vain to win their celestial equivalent of casino chips using us.  Would you accept that?

Those who gamble often, may acknowledge a fickle mistress known as “Lady Luck” when hoping cards or dice to turn in their favor.  Similarly, the spirit of wilderness on our own beloved “planet” is often referred by the maternal monicker, “Mother Nature”.  What if these two feminine figures of nature and chance are one and the same, the essence of the unique cube-shaped “world” we call our own?  Pablo Picasso, when developing as an artist, started with the style of “realism”, but grew to surpass it, turning to a new style that he himself would pioneer, a style known as “cubism” – as “cubism” is apparently the next step beyond our current concept of “realism”.

We see proof of this in more recent events, as well.  Why would NASA have to fake the moon landing, when the moon is so very close to our own dear sweet little planet, and should be easy for us to send a ship up, even with 1960’s technology, and land on?  Because NASA did not realize that the moon, like our Earth, is also a six-sided cube, and missed the moon with their Apollo 11 rocket, landing instead on the planet of Mars, and forcing them to send faked footage of Neil Armstrong’s landing to television viewers back home while overlaying this footage with the real audio of Apollo 11’s crew landing on what they thought was the moon… but was actually Mars.

Even in fictional media, we see dice at the center of some of our most prominent thoughts about space and time, with a golden dice hanging from the top of the Millennium Falcon’s cockpit in Star Wars, drawing added attention in more recent entries in the franchise, a dice that… unbeknownst to all but the most hardcore of Star Wars fans… says ‘This Is Earth’ in ancient Corellian across it.  How could this completely true and completely unfabricated fact be real if we do not, in fact, live on a planet that is known by some to be a cube?

Here is an experiment that you can try at home that clearly proves that the Earth is not round or flat, but is actually a cube.  Find a long, flat table in your house that is capable of supporting your weight and carefully climb on top of it after cleaning off everything else on the table that could otherwise invalidate your experiment.  Stand on the very center of the table and begin walking slowly to the table’s edge one step at a time, and then continue walking after you reach the end of the table.  You fall down and hurt yourself, right?  Well, have you ever fallen down and hurt yourself while walking in a straight line on a mostly flat part of the Earth?  No, you haven’t, right?  Then, the Earth can’t be flat.  Next, find something round like a bean bag chair laying around your house and set it down in the center of the table from before, repeating the experiment while starting, this time, on top of the bean bag chair and walking forward until you fall off the end of the table again.  OUCH!  The earth can’t be round then!  Finally, take a small step ladder and set it down in front of the end of the table to simulate the edge of a cubed planet’s surface and repeat the experiment one more time, but when you get to the edge of the table, walk down the step ladder instead of continuing forward off the edge of the now perpendicular corner of your experimental model of Earth.  See?  You didn’t get hurt this time, just like in real life!  The earth MUST, in fact, be a cube!

Now that you have this knowledge, the question for you then is what to do with it.  Many corrupt forces in our world such as the United States government, China, Bigfoot, Facebook, the international “Big Five” companies, Blockbuster Video, and my Great Aunt Gertrude will belittle, insult, or even threaten you if they hear you speaking the truth about our six-sided planet Earth.  They may even block you from Facebook or, worse, coerce all your friends into un-Friending you like they did all of mine!  (I know it was YOU behind that, Aunt Gertrude, and don’t expect me not to bring it up this Thanksgiving!!!)  Knowing that our world is not round (or even flat) like many around you will constantly assert may lead to nothing but trouble for you, maybe even causing you to second guess (or even abandon) your new beliefs so the hatred and mockery you experience will end.

However, I believe there is value in knowing the truth, value that goes beyond “popular” and “unpopular”, beyond “likes” and “dislikes”, beyond even “friends” and “enemies”.  The truth is the truth no matter how Facebook, Bigfoot, Blockbuster Video, and your extended family respond to it.  And, the truth is, the Earth IS a cube, believe it or not.  They may say there are two sides to every story, but there is only one side to truth… and that side says there are six sides… to the truth about Earth.  What will you choose to believe?

~The Historian

***

A wonderful article by The Historian!  Way better than that stupid one you wrote about wolves a few years back that was so unpopular it forced us to fire you for a while.  You might actually last on the payroll a whole year this time!  Here’s hoping, old friend!

~The Gatekeeper

***

You talk as if any of us actually get paid for this…

~The Watchman

***

😛

~The Gatekeeper

 

[SATIRE] The “Eye of Zatara” Investigates – MEN IN GREEN

[Original Article: Monday, October 4th, 2021]

“You may have heard the rumors about the men in nice suits that show up whenever you see something that… shouldn’t quite exist in our world. The hushed whispers of secret government cover-ups, inhuman infiltrators of our society, and magic-like occurrences that defy modern civilization and its technology. Heck, you may have even seen a movie about these, so-called, “Men in Green”. Well, I am here to tell you that they are very real.

It was a rainy St. Patrick’s Day in the town of Meadup, Louisiana. The precipitation had finally let up, and a rainbow could be seen leading just over a nearby hill to something I could not quite make out. I had taken the week off work to celebrate my wife’s birthday with a cruise we were leaving for tomorrow, so I had the leisure to walk a few minutes forward until I could try to see what was at the end of the little rainbow by my house. That’s when I saw it.

They call them “UPGO”, or “Unidentified Pot of Gold Objects”, small black kettles of otherworldly locomotion that float impossibly above the ground while surrounded in an array of otherworldly lights, all centered around the end of a rainbow, as if the bridge of many colors led, at its far point, to another world beyond imagining, one which I was not supposed to be aware of. A shadowy figure emerged from within the golden metallic coins that littered the top of the floating kettle, a small green-clothed humanoid with a ragged hairy red beard and a hat with a four leaf clover on it. I had seen an honest-to-goodness “little green man”. The minute it saw me, it disappeared. Down into the end of the rainbow in a flash of light with the rainbow disappearing a few short seconds behind it, and I thought that would be the end of my story. Until the next day, when the men in nice suits showed up.

I was almost finished packing for the cruise when I heard a knock at the front door a few rooms away. Tossing another polo shirt into my suitcase, I then hurried over to my home’s threshold and opened the door to be greeted by a suspiciously serious looking middle-aged man in a green suit and tie, along with another man that looked a lot like Will Smith. They flashed some kind of ID in my face, something strange that looked like they had gotten it from the bottom of a cereal box, and started asking me about hearts, stars, horseshoes, clovers, and blue moons. I told them I knew nothing of these things, but had seen a strange pot of gold at the end of a rainbow in my front yard yesterday. They frowned.

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to step outside.” the more serious-looking man said in a somber tone, taking… something… out of his jacket. The strange cylindrical device looked like one of those pens from grade school that could write in any color depending on which button on the top of the pen you pushed first. But on the top of the thick, pen-like machine was what was clearly some kind of plain brown potato. I was more than a little confused.

“Look into the potato please, Sir.” the man said very seriously, while his assistant mumbled something under his breath about making pancakes for Shrek. I refused. Why would I stare at a stupid potato, and what did this have to do with the UPGO I saw the day before?

“We’re from the government, and I need you to look into this potato.” the man said more seriously, reaching for something else inside his emerald suit coat… possibly a weapon? His partner reached for a weapon as well, while whispering to me something about finally being able to make up for “After Earth”. At this point, I’d had enough. I slammed my front door in the face of these strange “Men in Green” and looked for my cell phone to contact the police when, suddenly, some kind of talking dog, a pug, was in my house in front of me, holding the same “potato pen” device as the others. I saw the strange sight for only a moment before a bright emerald light filled my eyes and I woke in my bedroom, laying on the bed beside my still only half-packed suitcase, having apparently fallen asleep while preparing for my cruise.

I sighed with relief, happy the strange series of events had turned out to merely be the musings of my resting mind. Then, I heard it. The sound of… something… perched on the open sill of my nearby bedroom window.

“If you thought that was bad,” a multi-colored toucan carrying a box of “Froot Loops” under one arm mused in perfect English. “Just wait ’till you see what agents they send now that you’ve seen me.”

My startled scream could be heard all the way to the other side of another fleeting rainbow in the little town of Meadup, Louisiana.”

***
As per our usual standards, “The Eye of Zatara” confirmed the above account with its usual rigorous filtering process before posting it to this website (AKA we asked our ‘Magic 8 Ball’ if it was true and it said ‘Probably’.)  Stay tuned for more in-depth investigations into the strange and paranormal as “Halloween Month” continues on “The Eye of Zatara”!

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] “The Eye of Zatara” Investigates –
ALLEN ABDUCTIONS

[Original Post: Sunday, September 26, 2021]

“The first thing I remember was the lights.  I woke up, and there they were… shining through my window bright as the sun.  I tried to shield my eyes, but it wasn’t enough.  I could still see them even with my eyes closed.  Bluish white, piercing impossibly through my body and my mind.  I should have been scared, but something compelled me instead to follow them.  To seek out that unfathomable glow.  To see what was creating such otherworldly brightness.  To see what wonder of heaven or of earth had invaded the dark little shroud tucked around my early morning bedroom.  Curiosity had gotten the better of me.  Inexplicably, I watched myself as, a moth drawn to a flame, I quickly threw on a jacket over my T-Shirt and stepped outside, expecting… something.

Metallic.  The lights were coming from something metallic.  I strained to see more through the brightness as a loud sound like the foghorns I remember from the lighthouses that dotted the little beach east of my childhood home startled me out of my own head.  Then, I saw the shadows.  The little shadows of what appeared to be humanoid figures stepping out of tall rectangular hatches on either side of the glowing metallic silver mass.  They were wearing strange clothing, old rustic American jumpsuits like those worn by mechanics of several generations gone by.  And, there, over the breast of their uniforms I saw a patch that was identical across each of the barely visible figures now standing darkly in the glow of a halo of bluish white radiance behind them – a name patch that on each and every one of them that said, in faded red cursive lettering, simply… “Allen”.

They grabbed me and tied me to a platform on the back of their silver metallic mass.  I saw a strange symbol engraved upon the front of their giant machinework out of the corner of my eye as I screamed in objection.  The face of a horned ram staring back at me.  And near it, in almost human looking writing, what appeared to be the English word for… “Dodge”?  The Allens took out some fishing line and tied me to cold metal, a kind of flat rectangular storage bay on the back of their oversized silver conveyence, a trail of smoke leading up from the end of a long, loud exhaust tube sticking out from the back of their machine.   Laughing, they opened small cylindrical containers of some kind of foamy beverage and took sips from their unusual refreshment before climbing into the control chamber at the front of their otherworldly vehicle and driving me down the road away from my home… away from everything and everyone that I ever loved… and into a cornfield from which I feared I might never return.  A cornfield known for having strange animal mutilations and aluminum can litterings occurring overnight.

Once they got me to the field, I tried to scream but they simply laughed, and continued to drink out of those strange cylindrical vessels whatever it was they relied on for sustenance.  They took out a rusted, red metal box filled with all kinds of cruel, otherworldly torture devices and began hitting me over the head with what I can only describe as some kind of tiny bent metal rod.  The humanoids responsible for my abduction called it an “Allen Wrench”.  Soon the hitting me over the head with a wrench was joined with what appeared to be human screwdrivers, pliers, claw hammers, and whatever else my sadistic benefactors could find and retrieve from within the horrible depths of their cold metal box.  A receipt from a human “Human Depot” store spilled out puzzlingly from the accursed red container as they reached for a especially vicious looking “Hex Key” (their language, not mine – I have no human word equivalent to offer for it) and begin poking metal parts of it up my nose while drinking more of their frothy chilled space juice and laughing.

Eventually, I must have passed out from terror, because the next thing I knew, I woke up alone in the middle of the cornfield with circles of tire-track-like impressions forming a geometric design in a pattern all around me, several dozen unlucky possums found mutilated (squashed) on the small country road leading away from the field back to town forming a red trail of truth – a small lingering evidence that my humiliation at the hands of the Allens was real.  It was a long time before I felt safe enough to reach into my pocket for my smartphone and call for an Uber to get home.  Longer still before I told my family back home what had happened that night after returning to my humble abode and forcing myself back to bed even knowing I wouldn’t fall sleep while recounting in my head all the horrible, otherworldly things I had heard and seen.

Many of my friends think the entire incident was simply a dream.  Something I made up in my mind, to make myself feel special in some way, as I live out my otherwise boring and uneventful life.  But I and my Uber driver, Diego, know the truth.  I didn’t drive myself out to that cornfield.  And I certainly didn’t tattoo ‘Get ‘Er Done’ and ‘Here’s Your Sign’ on my own back that night.  I encountered something otherworldly and supernatural that will stay with me my whole life… until my very last day on this humble little planet that we call Earth.  And I say humble planet very earnestly, because if that strange night of torture with the Allens taught me anything… it’s that we are not alone in this world.  Allens, in whatever backwoods you find them and in whatever giant pick-up truck they are riding in, are not a trick of the light or an experimental weather balloon to be dismissed.  They are not some new governmental aircraft, or angels, or time travelers, or swamp gas, or wolves.

They are very, VERY real.  And, maybe… just maybe… without you even knowing it right now, there is a slightly sober Allen waiting and watching over you right now, too.  Waiting to shine his lights into your bedroom.  Waiting to take you out into that cornfield.  Waiting to stick a Hex Key up your nose and laugh.

Waiting to shakily tattoo ‘Get ‘Er Done’… forever… in broken, illegible letters on your back.”

~The above account was submitted to the management of “The Eye of Zatara” by a reluctant and trustworthy witness, a man who may or may not have been the ACTUAL cover-up artist who removed the “Get ‘Er Done” and “Here’s Your Sign” tattoos from the back of the anonymous, tortured victim of our story.  As Halloween season approaches, the “Eye of Zatara” will continue to investigate paranormal phenomenon reported to us by various bored employees at businesses we frequent, spending at least thirty minutes verifying the details of these stories before posting them forever on the internet as indisputable fact.

We at “The Eye of Zatara” have an ironclad commitment to finding out the truth about our reality, and sharing that truth with you, our readers, so you can better understand the horrors that could face you in the otherwise innocent world all around you.

Watch the skies, dear Reader.  Or, um… the roads.  Or something.  (Your driveway, maybe?)

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] CIA Releases Information on UFOs and Psychic Phenomenon; David Duchovny Surprisingly Uninterested

(Original Post: January 18, 2017)

As reported by multiple other news outlets within the last twenty-four hours, a CIA dump of thousands of pages of once classified documents has made information once only available by cumbersomely thumbing through archives in person now readily accessible by anyone with a computer or smartphone and a decent internet connection.  In an “Eye of Zatara” exclusive follow-up on this unshockingly normal news, however, actor David Duchovny, known famously for his role as the UFO-hunting FBI agent Fox Mulder on the recently revived television series, “The X-Files”, is completely uninterested in these files, despite the inclusion of actual U.S. government reports of UFO sightings and details on the U.S. Army’s “Stargate Project” which investigated human psychic ability with a focus on remote viewing, the ability to psychically obtain information outside the capabilities of one’s other five senses and from a distance.

A source close to the “Man Behind Mulder” reported earlier on the actor’s behalf that “[…]while some of these documents are, admittedly, interesting in my opinion, this is, unfortunately, not an opinion shared by Mr. Duchovny.  It’s important to understand that while David may try to get into the mind of his characters on screen in order to accurately portray them to his audience, he, in fact, sometimes holds very different thoughts and opinions on various topics than do these fictional persons, as do all actors and actresses.”

When this source was asked by CBC News intern reporter (and “Eye of Zatara” reader!) Michael Hamden, Jr. if he was just saying that because “the Smoking Man is watching”, the source reportedly slammed the door in Michael Hamden, Jr.’s face, and refused further comment.  Unable to get further information from anyone close to David Duchovny, Michael Hamden, Jr. attempted to follow-up with other actors from the “X-Files” TV show, including Gillian Anderson (Dana Scully) and Mitch Pileggi (Assistant Director Walter Skinner), to see if either of them had a message to the ever-manipulated American people about the secret information their government is clearly trying to hide from them, but that is now readily accessible via this Internet document release.

“How did you get this address?” Gillian Anderson reportedly told the eager young reporter, before motioning for a paid bodyguard to escort the CBC intern from her newly-acquired beachfront property on the northeastern coast of the Canadian province of Nova Scotia.  “I just bought this house yesterday.  What is with you paparazzi, anyway?  I’m barely even on TV anymore.  Why can’t you just leave me alone???”

Mitch Pileggi responded similarly.

“No, um… I’m sorry, you have the wrong condo.  I’m not Mitch Pileggi.  Uh…” the X-Files actor scrambled to come up with a cover story plausible enough to fool the intrepid but naive young reporter.  “I’m his twin brother.  Um… Rich Pileggi.  Yeah, I don’t know where Mitch is.  We’re estranged.  We had a big fight a few years ago, and I haven’t spoken to him since.  Good luck with your story, though.  The elevator’s to the right at the hall if you’ve gotten lost in here or something.  See you later, then.”

By the time Michael Hamden, Jr. realized he was being lied to, Mr. Pileggi had already closed and locked his condo door, in addition to alerting building security.  Out of leads, the intern reporter returned to his original objective – getting a direct statement from David Duchovny on the subject, and staked out a hotel in Honolulu that the “X-Files” actor was rumored to be staying at on an impromptu vacation, eventually catching sight of the brooding actor as he returned to his room just after 2 am to get some rest following a late night luau on another noted actor’s private beach.

“Mr. Duchovny!  Mr. Duchovny!” Michael Hamden, Jr. rushed over to the exhausted actor and celebrity with an old school tape recorder in his hand, startling Mr. Duchovny who hurriedly fumbled through his pockets for his key in a failed attempt to enter the exterior beach front door to his hotel room, a feature he had foolishly thought to be more luxurious and exclusive than a normal inner building hotel room entrance up until that very moment.  “How do you feel about the details of the Stargate Project being made available for normal American citizens to search through online, along with other once classified government information such as UFO sightings?  Do you and Scully have plans to go through this information together and see if you can uncover the truth about extraterrestial life hidden unknowingly within the likely-coded pages to reveal, at last, to the American public?  Is that what you’re doing here in Honolulu?  Meeting secretly with Scully?”

“Stargate Project?” Mr. Duchovny looked at Michael Hamden, Jr. feigning confusion after cobbling together an answer for the young reporter in the brilliant desperation of his incredibly irritated psyche.  “Buddy, I don’t know what they told you, but you’ve got the wrong TV show.  You should be bugging those SG-1 or Atlantis folks about this.  I’m the guy who was on the X-Files.  The government releases something new about Roswell, you come find me.  Until then, go bother Richard Dean Anderson if you want a comment on Stargates.”

As the CBC news intern considered Mr. Duchovny’s words, he successfully slipped back inside and locked his hotel room door, forever ending their conversation at that point.  Taking the “Man Behind Mulder”‘s words to heart, however, Michael Hamden, Jr. did, indeed, track down Richard Dean Anderson, one of the primary actors on successful science fiction television series “Stargate SG-1”, and was just about to board a plane to confront him at a hotel in Atlantic City when he was intercepted by his father, seasoned CBC News Reporter, Michael Hamden, Sr., who took away Michael Jr.’s credit card and reportedly “grounded him in his room like a child” until he was “ready to enter the grown-up world of real journalism”.

The following day, Richard Dean Anderson issued a detailed and elaborate report to the press regarding the information publicly disclosed on the Internet about the government’s Stargate Program, saying “I was hoping a reporter would put 2 and 2 together, and come and ask me about the Stargate Program directly.  But, since none of them ever did, I figured I’d just go ahead and issue a general statement to the press myself.  I’ve got some interesting insights into this topic I’m sure all American people are going to want to hear.”

Despite the bitter irony, neither Michael Hamden, Sr. nor Michael Hamden, Jr. followed up directly with Mr. Anderson for additional comment, perhaps due to rumors that CBC News abruptly terminated its “Intern Reporter” program as a result of extreme negative feedback received by the news organization individually from nearly every major actor and actress on the “X-Files”.

In a follow-up with internet news blog NowNews, however, Richard Dean Anderson failed to substantially elaborate on the shocking revelations of secret government conspiracy exposed by the independent letter he submitted to five major press agencies earlier that day, but did note that he ran out of ink in his only pen while hand-writing the world-shattering statement, almost preventing him from finishing it since he can’t type, but reportedly refilled the ink in the exhausted pen himself using nothing but a plastic cup, a few blackberries, some black paint scrapings, and a bendy straw.