Tag: MacGyver

(Original Post: January 18, 2017)

As reported by multiple other news outlets within the last twenty-four hours, a CIA dump of thousands of pages of once classified documents has made information once only available by cumbersomely thumbing through archives in person now readily accessible by anyone with a computer or smartphone and a decent internet connection.  In an “Eye of Zatara” exclusive follow-up on this unshockingly normal news, however, actor David Duchovny, known famously for his role as the UFO-hunting FBI agent Fox Mulder on the recently revived television series, “The X-Files”, is completely uninterested in these files, despite the inclusion of actual U.S. government reports of UFO sightings and details on the U.S. Army’s “Stargate Project” which investigated human psychic ability with a focus on remote viewing, the ability to psychically obtain information outside the capabilities of one’s other five senses and from a distance.

A source close to the “Man Behind Mulder” reported earlier on the actor’s behalf that “[…]while some of these documents are, admittedly, interesting in my opinion, this is, unfortunately, not an opinion shared by Mr. Duchovny.  It’s important to understand that while David may try to get into the mind of his characters on screen in order to accurately portray them to his audience, he, in fact, sometimes holds very different thoughts and opinions on various topics than do these fictional persons, as do all actors and actresses.”

When this source was asked by CBC News intern reporter (and “Eye of Zatara” reader!) Michael Hamden, Jr. if he was just saying that because “the Smoking Man is watching”, the source reportedly slammed the door in Michael Hamden, Jr.’s face, and refused further comment.  Unable to get further information from anyone close to David Duchovny, Michael Hamden, Jr. attempted to follow-up with other actors from the “X-Files” TV show, including Gillian Anderson (Dana Scully) and Mitch Pileggi (Assistant Director Walter Skinner), to see if either of them had a message to the ever-manipulated American people about the secret information their government is clearly trying to hide from them, but that is now readily accessible via this Internet document release.

“How did you get this address?” Gillian Anderson reportedly told the eager young reporter, before motioning for a paid bodyguard to escort the CBC intern from her newly-acquired beachfront property on the northeastern coast of the Canadian province of Nova Scotia.  “I just bought this house yesterday.  What is with you paparazzi, anyway?  I’m barely even on TV anymore.  Why can’t you just leave me alone???”

Mitch Pileggi responded similarly.

“No, um… I’m sorry, you have the wrong condo.  I’m not Mitch Pileggi.  Uh…” the X-Files actor scrambled to come up with a cover story plausible enough to fool the intrepid but naive young reporter.  “I’m his twin brother.  Um… Rich Pileggi.  Yeah, I don’t know where Mitch is.  We’re estranged.  We had a big fight a few years ago, and I haven’t spoken to him since.  Good luck with your story, though.  The elevator’s to the right at the hall if you’ve gotten lost in here or something.  See you later, then.”

By the time Michael Hamden, Jr. realized he was being lied to, Mr. Pileggi had already closed and locked his condo door, in addition to alerting building security.  Out of leads, the intern reporter returned to his original objective – getting a direct statement from David Duchovny on the subject, and staked out a hotel in Honolulu that the “X-Files” actor was rumored to be staying at on an impromptu vacation, eventually catching sight of the brooding actor as he returned to his room just after 2 am to get some rest following a late night luau on another noted actor’s private beach.

“Mr. Duchovny!  Mr. Duchovny!” Michael Hamden, Jr. rushed over to the exhausted actor and celebrity with an old school tape recorder in his hand, startling Mr. Duchovny who hurriedly fumbled through his pockets for his key in a failed attempt to enter the exterior beach front door to his hotel room, a feature he had foolishly thought to be more luxurious and exclusive than a normal inner building hotel room entrance up until that very moment.  “How do you feel about the details of the Stargate Project being made available for normal American citizens to search through online, along with other once classified government information such as UFO sightings?  Do you and Scully have plans to go through this information together and see if you can uncover the truth about extraterrestial life hidden unknowingly within the likely-coded pages to reveal, at last, to the American public?  Is that what you’re doing here in Honolulu?  Meeting secretly with Scully?”

“Stargate Project?” Mr. Duchovny looked at Michael Hamden, Jr. feigning confusion after cobbling together an answer for the young reporter in the brilliant desperation of his incredibly irritated psyche.  “Buddy, I don’t know what they told you, but you’ve got the wrong TV show.  You should be bugging those SG-1 or Atlantis folks about this.  I’m the guy who was on the X-Files.  The government releases something new about Roswell, you come find me.  Until then, go bother Richard Dean Anderson if you want a comment on Stargates.”

As the CBC news intern considered Mr. Duchovny’s words, he successfully slipped back inside and locked his hotel room door, forever ending their conversation at that point.  Taking the “Man Behind Mulder”‘s words to heart, however, Michael Hamden, Jr. did, indeed, track down Richard Dean Anderson, one of the primary actors on successful science fiction television series “Stargate SG-1”, and was just about to board a plane to confront him at a hotel in Atlantic City when he was intercepted by his father, seasoned CBC News Reporter, Michael Hamden, Sr., who took away Michael Jr.’s credit card and reportedly “grounded him in his room like a child” until he was “ready to enter the grown-up world of real journalism”.

The following day, Richard Dean Anderson issued a detailed and elaborate report to the press regarding the information publicly disclosed on the Internet about the government’s Stargate Program, saying “I was hoping a reporter would put 2 and 2 together, and come and ask me about the Stargate Program directly.  But, since none of them ever did, I figured I’d just go ahead and issue a general statement to the press myself.  I’ve got some interesting insights into this topic I’m sure all American people are going to want to hear.”

Despite the bitter irony, neither Michael Hamden, Sr. nor Michael Hamden, Jr. followed up directly with Mr. Anderson for additional comment, perhaps due to rumors that CBC News abruptly terminated its “Intern Reporter” program as a result of extreme negative feedback received by the news organization individually from nearly every major actor and actress on the “X-Files”.

In a follow-up with internet news blog NowNews, however, Richard Dean Anderson failed to substantially elaborate on the shocking revelations of secret government conspiracy exposed by the independent letter he submitted to five major press agencies earlier that day, but did note that he ran out of ink in his only pen while hand-writing the world-shattering statement, almost preventing him from finishing it since he can’t type, but reportedly refilled the ink in the exhausted pen himself using nothing but a plastic cup, a few blackberries, some black paint scrapings, and a bendy straw.