Category: Politics

(Original Post: June 27, 2016)

In a stunning move Thursday, the citizens of planet Alpha Cerissius Minor IV have decided, in a narrow 124,241 to 122,116 vote, to end their affiliation with the powerful and galactically influential Cardassian Union and return to their previous status as an independent, unaffiliated colony world, exactly as the Alpha Cerissian people existed before their forced membership into the Cardassian Union almost 200 years prior. Cardassian Governor Taymor Shokaran has announced his disgust with the Alpha Cerissian people’s decision, and is expected to resign sometime within the next few days, assuming he is not driven from his luxurious governor’s mansion sooner by mobs of Alpha Cerissians brandishing photon torches and disruptor forks.

The Cardassian Union is apparently also unamused by the decision, and is rumored to have dispatched Obsidian Order operatives to Alpha Cerissius immediately after learning of Alpha Cerissius’ decision in order to “ensure the validity of the Alpha Cerissians’ supposed independence vote” and “gently remind the Alpha Cerissian people of the difficulty of maintaining peace on their own in the dangerous political climate of today”. One Cardassian official, not realizing his audio recording device was on at the time, was unintentionally noted as saying “Where did those backwoods Alpha Cerissian hicks learn about naive Federation nonsense like democracy and voting?” Unnamed Obsidian Order sources have traced the possible education of the Alpha Cerissian people to a historical datapad left behind by a Federation trader whose ship’s navigational system became damaged, causing him to drift unintentionally into Cardassian space, before docking and making repairs at a port on Alpha Cerissius’ northern continent of Safiera.

“The Federation will have much to answer for if we determine the rebellion of one of our most profitable trading outposts in the sector to be a result of Earthling brainwashing.” Cardassian Senator Juul Tamatt commented, when asked about this possibility by a reporter yesterday morning. “As if we Cardassians are gullible enough to believe that this propaganda piece… ‘”The Declaration of Independence” and Other Early American Revolutionary Era Documents’… was not written and left on a supply crate in one of Safiera’s busiest markets to intentionally stir up discord among our conquered, I mean, federated peoples.”

United Federation of Planets officials have denied any intentional tampering with the culture of Alpha Cerissius, however, and have shot back, raising concerns about large fleets of Cardassian warships being sent for “training exercises” eerily close to Alpha Cerissius’s location, as detected by the long range sensors of nearby Federation outposts.

“So, first the Federation stirs up rebellion, and now they convict us for training our military personnel? I will not hear anymore of these false accusations…” Senator Tamatt added to his previous statements, when questioned about this new development earlier today. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to find a crate of Horozian Flu vaccine to include with the supplies for the shuttle leaving tonight to pick up the Cardassian officials from Alpha Cerissius. Why? Um, no reason. Oh, yes, I mustn’t forget to have some polarized anti-disruptor riot shields and emergency medical stasis emitters delivered to the shuttle crew, either…”

Realizing he was still being interviewed, Senator Tamatt broke eye contact, pulling nervously at the collar of his uniform, and stammered out a follow-up statement.

“Can never be too careful, you know?”

In other related news, a single Borg drone known as Twelve of Fifteen similarly voted in 1 to 1 decision to vote himself out of the Borg Collective today in an unspecified, remote sector of the Delta Quadrant. According to long range transmissions received from the Federation starship Voyager, when local Delta Quadrant reporters attempted a follow-up interview with Twelve of Fifteen, a new, almost identical drone had filled Twelve of Fifteen’s regeneration slot on Borg Cube #45001201, and no trace of the briefly independent drone could be located with conventional scanning equipment. When asked about Twelve of Fifteen’s current whereabouts, the Borg Collective had no comment, but did assimilate one of our science vessels.