Politics – Page 2 – The Eye of Zatara

[SATIRE] Ousted Bill O’Reilly Announces New “Killing” Series Book – “Killing My Career”

[Original Post: May 1, 2017]

New York, NY – Exactly one week after his abrupt ousting from the 8 pm time slot on the Fox News Channel, Republican news commentator Bill O’Reilly has announced the first major step in his unexpected career transition by moving up the timetable of his next mostly ghost written book, another in his recent series of “Killing” books which documents the death or downfall of a major historical person or party in the ever heart-stirring words of the charismatic and articulate Martin Dugard, (no, I don’t know who that is, either), his next likely New York Times bestseller apparently focusing on the public downfall of Mr. Bill O’Reilly himself, with the title “Killing My Career: How the No Spin Zone Spun Out Into the End Zone”.

Shortly after announcing his next work on social media, Bill O’Reilly sat down with CBC News veteran reporter Michael Hamden for an impromptu interview, in which he discussed both his departure from the Fox News Channel and his upcoming new book… sort of.

“I have no intention to bloviate, but I am a jocund, erudite intellectual possessing a clear and overwhelming conglomeration of sapience. The cretins spreading delusive canards like a cudgel against my character are but anserine, obtuse rogues and chimeras who impugn my transcendent excellence armed with but rumors and bavardage. I am no incubus.” Bill O’Reilly explained to a somewhat bewildered-looking Michael Hamden. “In time, those varlets will reveal themselves as charlatans, and my true chivalry and sagacity will eminate prominently throughout this planetoid once again.”

“Uh… what?” Michael Hamden asked with a puzzled look on his face, quickly pulling up a dictionary on his cell phone while Mr. O’Reilly re-ordered his last statement and spoke again.

“They cavil against me, those peevish eldritch ninnyhammers!” Bill O’Reilly clarified (or halfway attempted to), as Michael Hamden looked cluelessly at him as if he were speaking an entirely different language than the veteran reporter. “Vexation! This is not arcane fandangle! I am not a blatherskite! Are you acting the farceur to infuriate me?”

“Ninnyhammer… that’s one of the four monthly vocabularly words on your BillOReilly.com website this month. Are you… just using as many big words as possible to avoid answering my questions about the sexual harassment charges against you?” Michael Hamden asked, raising a suspicous eyebrow against the former master of the “No Spin Zone”, attempting to decipher Bill’s last comment using various references pulled up on his phone. “Blatherskite… ‘A bloviator who goes on and on without making sense’. That’s a ‘Word of the Day’ from March. You’re literally just using all these unnecessary big vocabularly words from your website, aren’t you?”

“Uh… culture war. Old school. Um… Talking Points Memo?” Bill O’Reilly mumbled incoherently before running out of the CBC News studio as quickly as he could. “PRODUCER, CUT HIS MIKE!!!”

A second interview between Michael Hamden and ghost writer of Mr. O’Reilly’s new “Killing” series book, Martin Dugard, was fortunately a little bit more enlightening.

“Why’d he choose to write a book about himself this time?” Mr. Dugard asked, quickly confirming Michael Hamden’s question for him before answering. “Well, Why do you think? So far he’s written books about the ‘Killing’ of George S. Patton, three popular American Presidents, the entire nation of World War II era Japan, and Jesus Christ, the Son of God. Even before being fired from Fox, the only person Bill could think of to write about on the same level as figures like Lincoln and Kennedy is, of course, in his mind – himself. Can you imagine spending every day working with a guy like that?”

Michael Hamden frowned, glancing at the Programming Director of CBC News watching his interview with Martin Dugard through a nearby window looking into Hamden’s office before looking back at Mr. Dugard.

“No, I can’t… Not at all.”

While overwhelmingly high pre-orders of his newly announced “Killing My Career” book have assured Bill O’Reilly’s continued presence in the public spotlight for several years to come, his departure from Fox News has led to other positive developments for several other Republican and conservative commentators still employed by the Fox News network.

“So, you bought a giant money vault on a hill with a golden dollar sign hanging on the outside in which to fill with a literal swimming pool of gold coins to kick and splash around in?” SLNC News reporter Timothy Gibbings asked new 8 PM time slot inhabitant, Tucker Carlson, the opinionist namesake of Fox News Channel’s new and popular “Tucker Carlson Tonight” show.

“Yes, what else would I do with the literal building worth of gold coins given to me by Fox News for anchoring their new weekday primetime line-up?” Tucker asked Timothy Gibbings while wielding his trademark, somewhat blank “What’s wrong with you?” stare.

“O…k…” Timothy Gibbings blinked uncomfortably, not even sure what to do with this interview going further, and unknowingly mumbling something about Trump being Hitler as a nervous twitch inherited from his recent, cult-like mainstream media “induction ceremony” upon joining SLNC News six months prior.

“Did you just compare Trump to Hitler?” Tucker asked, cocking his head slightly to the side in a convicting manner, having heard Timothy Gibbings’ quiet whispers with his nearly superhuman hearing.

“Uh… no, I said Trump works for Putin.” Gibbings caught himself with another quick, instinctual mainstream media comeback. “Yes, I said Trump works for Putin. That’s what I said. And he didn’t go to the recent White House Correspondents’ Dinner, either. Or pay any of his taxes last year. What a tool, huh? Total fascist, that one.”

Tucker Carlson blinked in feigned miscomprehension.

“And what does that have to do with my giant wasteful building of gold coins I swim in like old Scrooge McDuck from the classic Disney cartoon show, ‘Duck Tales’?”

“Uh…”

Several debate points later, Timothy Gibbings was on the floor crying like a baby, and Tucker Carlson had his lead segment for the next airing of “Tucker Carlson Tonight”. Smelling blood in the water, Bill O’Reilly immediately announced the next book in his “Killing” series to be published in a mere two months from now, immediately after the public release of “Killing My Career”, this one called “Killing Timothy Gibbings: The Obvious Bias of the Mainstream Media Exposed”, a book title which immediately swept Mr. O’Reilly up into another big legal controversy, led by several high-paid lawyers for both SLNC News and for the now somewhat desheveled and tear-stained Timothy Gibbings, but also successfully managing to triple online pre-orders of both “Killing My Career” and “Killing Timothy Gibbings” by his die-hard followers and fans.

Mr. O’Reilly’s only official comment regarding the new legal controversy regarding his “Killing Timothy Gibbings” book was to publicly call Mr. Gibbings a “snowflake”. When asked what he meant by this, Mr. O’Reilly merely smiled and told Mr. Gibbings’ lawyers they’d need to get a BillOReilly.com premium membership in order to find an answer to that. He then handed each of them a signed copy of one of his books for being “fair and balanced” before breaking down crying at their feet.

[SATIRE] Obama Admits to Wiretapping Trump Tower, But Only to Record Inbound Prank Calls to Trump

(Original Post: March 6, 2017)

Washington, D.C. – Capitol Hill is in a stir today as seemingly unsubstantiated claims by President Trump over the weekend that Trump Tower had been wiretapped by agents in the Obama administration during his run for Presidency have apparently been confirmed by former President Obama, but with a strange caveat. Apparently, the only calls wiretapped from Trump Tower were inbound prank calls made by Obama officials to Donald Trump they wanted to “post to YouTube someday” because “[they’re] freaking hilarious”.

“Yeah, we’re sorry about not getting a warrant or anything, but, Man, once you hear the prank calls, you’re going to be laughing so much, you aren’t even going to care!” President Obama explained to veteran CBC News reporter, Michael Hamden, in a quick interview at Martha’s Vineyard yesterday. “Me and Joe were rolling on the floor laughing so loud the Secret Service rushed in, thinking we’d been attacked or something. Sorry, agents Jackson and Carlisle, even the Leader of the Free World can’t always stop the funny from spilling out.”

While sources close to Donald Trump were apparently very skeptical of the Obama administration’s admissions, at first, continuing to stick by their unprecedented claim that all calls to and from Trump Tower had been wiretapped by President Obama, not just those related to prank calls (despite failing to offer even a single shred of hard evidence to support their assertion), Vice President Joe Biden has apparently stepped in to defend President Obama’s claims, leaking several of the former Commander-in-Chief’s wiretapped calls to the SLNC News Network, which aired them this morning during their 6 am news program, “Silence and Friends”. Since then, transcripted copies of the calls have been provided to a variety of media sources, including “The Eye of Zatara”. Several of the transcripted calls are included, word for word, below:

(October 10th)
[OBAMA]: “Hey, is this Trump Tower?”
[TRUMP]: “Um, yeah, this is Donald Trump. Can I help you with something? Chop, chop, I’m in a hurry today. Lots of things to do in my pink work bathrobe, you know.”
[OBAMA]: [Laughing in the Background.] Yeah, this is, um… Brett O’Connor from the EPA. We just wanna see if your refrigerators are running there in Trump Tower?”
[TRUMP]: “What? Are you serious? Of course they are. How else would we make the best taco bowls, like we do at Trump Tower Grill?”
[OBAMA]: [More Laughing in the Background.] (Whispered) “Here, Joe, you do the punchline. You do it better.”
[BIDEN] “Um, ok, yes, this is Brett O’Connor again. So, the refrigerators ARE running? Ok, well, um, good job destroying the environment, you electricity-guzzling, coal-loving Republican teabagger!” [Loud phone-slamming sound as call is abruptly disconnected.]
[TRUMP]: “What the… (Censored)? [Call disconnects.]”

***
(November 1st)
[BIDEN]: “Um, yes, this is Moe Griden from the FBI. We’re looking into the disappearance of a one Prince Albert from, um… the nation of Albertistan? We heard you have him in a can somewhere in Trump Tower – is that true?”
[PELOSI]: (Whispered from Background.) Hey, let me do this one here. Here, give me the phone. I can take it over from here.
[TRUMP]: “What’s that? Is this Melania? Honey, I told you to stop the drinking. You don’t make any sense when you drink.”
[PELOSI]: (Whispered) Trust me. I’ve got this. (Normal Volume.) “Well, you better go catch him! Oh, crap, I think I messed it up.” [Call disconnects.]

***
(December 11th)
[OBAMA]: “Hey, is this Trump Tower? Is your refrigerator still running?”
[TRUMP]: “Oh, not this again. Look, I’ve got Flynn and Putin on the other line in a Conference Call, can we do this another time already?”
[OBAMA]: “(Censored) You!” [Loud phone-slamming sound as call is abruptly disconnected.]
[TRUMP]: “YOU’RE FIRED! YOU HEAR ME? WHOEVER YOU ARE, WHEREVER YOU ARE, YOU ARE FIRED! EVEN IF I HAVE TO SPEND MY WHOLE FORTUNE DOING IT, I’M GOING TO TRACK WHOEVER YOU ARE DOWN, BUY WHATEVER COMPANY YOU BELONG, AND MAKE ABSOLUTELY SURE YOU DON’T HAVE A JOB THIS TIME NEXT MONTH. YOU HEAR ME, YOU LITTLE PUNK? YOU CROSSED THE WRONG LOUD, MEGALOMANIACALLY-MINDED MILLIONAIRE! DECEMBER IS GOING TO BE YOUR LAST FULL MONTH OF EMPLOYMENT IN THIS COUNTRY… OR ANYWHERE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER!” [Call disconnects.]

“To be fair, he kind of followed through with that threat.” Joe Biden added, in an interview with SLNC News’ Timothy Gibbings earlier today, after the above audio clip was played on Gibbings’ news show, “Racquetball with Timothy Gibbings”, that airs five times a day on SLNC News’ failing left-leaning television network. “I still don’t think he realized who it was that had been calling him until I left my YouTube channel open on Barack’s computer on our way out of the White House in January. Right now, the video’s still set to Private, so he wouldn’t have found it otherwise.”

“Wait, you mean, you’ve already technically posted all this to YouTube?” Timothy Gibbings asked, his eyebrow raising sharply as a clear indication of either shock or stroke.

“Yeah, what’s wrong with that?” Joe asked, somewhat confused, while eating a $70 steak out of his famed Vice Presidential lunch pail right in front of the semi-popular SLNC news anchor. “How else am I going to get Subscribers?”

“Um… well… that’s um… interesting. Very, um… wow. Ok, let me ask you a more sane question, then, if I could, Mister Former Vice President.” Timothy Gibbings stuttered helplessly aloud, knowing his liberal producer wouldn’t allow him to say anything negative towards their decidedly liberal guest despite the overwhelmingly disturbing nature of his last comment, and awkwardly trying to move the interview in another direction as quickly as possible. “Did you and Barack ever wiretap anyone else while making prank calls on them like you did Candidate Trump?”

“Not that I can think of.” Former Vice President Biden answered rather quickly. “Oh, wait, Hillary once, too, but that didn’t work out too well…”

“What do you mean?” Timothy Gibbings pressed the former VP for more details.

“Well, I altered my voice a little and she kind of thought the one prank calling her was this kid who used to work for her as an intern. Jason Heeney or something.” Biden admitted, somewhat sheepishly, a little less amused by this prank than those he had made against then candidate and President-Elect Donald Trump. “The Missing Persons case was officially closed a few weeks ago, I think. The police never did figure out what happened to that boy.”

“I, um… I… I see!” Timothy Gibbings chuckled and swallowed hard, loosening his collar as his show’s producer began to glare at him angrily from the other side of SLNC News Studio 12. “And, with that, I think it’s time for a commercial break. Yes, definitely time for a break. Don’t you agree, folks?”

Racquetball with Timothy Gibbings then concluded their advertsied hour long interview with Joe Biden 30 minutes early, playing a short 10 minute compilation called “The Best of Timothy Gibbings” three more times to fill dead air after returning from an impromptu commercial in the middle of the SLNC News host’s discussion with the former Vice President of the United States about his prank calls on Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.

Faced with the new information that has come out about the very limited Obama wiretaps of Trump Tower, most senior Trump officials have now announced they are no longer pursuing this matter, but would appreciate if former Vice President Joe Biden would at least delete the relevant videos from his YouTube channel rather than opening them to public view, even for “Subscribers”. President Trump himself, however, has only buckled down on his original claim since these facts came to light, now insisting that every phone call he made from any device or location since he first joined the Presidential race was monitored and/or recorded by the Obama administration, and, furthermore, that the refrigerators in Trump Tower have very low energy usage, and, thus, are not destroying the environment as insinuated by President Obama during his prank call on Trump Tower early last October.

“The Eye of Zatara” attempted to reach out to Spokesman for the President, Sean Spicer, for further comment on this story from the White House, but he did not immediately return our calls. According to Internet news blog, NowNews, Mr. Spicer was busy today visiting a Washington, D.C. area doctor for a last minute appointment seeking a prescription for high blood pressure medication, or, alternatively, just a friendly shoulder for him to cry on, but these reports, however likely they may be, are currently unsubstantiated.

[SATIRE] SAG Announces All Upcoming TV and Movie Roles to Be Filled by Jeff Goldblum; Other Actors/Actresses Too Busy with Politics

(Original Post: February 11, 2017)

In a surprising announcement by the Screen Actors’ Guild association today, starting March 1, 2017, all future television and movie roles will, for the foreseeable future, be filled exclusively by Oscar and Emmy nominated actor, Jeff Goldblum, best known for his classic roles in the “Jurassic Park” and “Independence Day” franchises. The 64-year-old Pennsylvania-born actor will be filling in for both male and female parts, using carefully-applied make-up and wardrobe modifications to align his appearance with that of the original actor or actress chosen to play the part before this announcement, imitating their speaking and acting style to the best of his ability, to make it appear as if he were really that actor or actress, albeit in a much more awkward, nerdy, and clearly Goldblumish way.

“It’s unfortunate that we had to do this, but actors and actresses are bound to a higher calling than simply that of entertainers,” Carrie Redtep of the Screen Actors’ Guild association explained to Michael Hamden, senior reporter from CBC News in an impromptu press conference late Thursday. “Until Hollywood’s actors and actresses complete the extensive work required of them for the next four years by their primary career path of political activists, they simply do not have the time or energy to spend on their side jobs as television and movie personalities. Fortunately, Mr. Goldblum, whose political beliefs are much too complicated for him to explain even using his large vocabulary and smooth, but almost incomprehensible, cadence, has agreed to step up and fill the entertainment opportunities of Hollywood’s greats until they can achieve the political success the rest of country overwhelmingly requires of them as people who play make believe for a living.”

Jeff Goldblum himself, despite being worked nearly to the bone, seems to be alright with the arrangement, calling it a “Kafkaesque metamorphosis of his career, serendipitiously driven by his subconscious Descartian declaration of self by ego, personifying himself, not unsurprisingly, in a Shakesperean employment of comedy and tragedy that rotates endlessly in Samsara, bringing phoenix-like revival to his previous Mephistophelian temptations of surrender to obscurity and allowing herald-like re-declaration of his personal inventory in a monomyth-like reinterpretation of self, akin to Odysseus’ ostentacious self-revelation on his unprophesied return to his familiar, sadly patriarchal power structure in the conclusion of Homer’s sweeping epic as generally interpreted by modern scholastic reasoning.”

As of the posting of this article, no translation to the above text has been offered by the Screen Actors’ Guild or Mr. Goldblum.

While the full details and exact duration of the total replacement of all television and movie roles by Jeff Goldblum have yet to be clarified by anyone in Hollywood outside of a vague “four to eight years – maybe less, if we get our way” timetable offered by Miss Redtep to SLNC News’ Timothy Gibbings near the end of her press conference, it is clear that the March 1st, 2017 date of its beginning is a hard start, as a new season of “Law and Order: Normal Victims Unit” in which both primary New York City detectives, their stalwart police chief, the District Attorney, the ADA, and all suspects, victims, criminals, and on-lookers will be played by Mr. Goldblum, is set to air Wednesday the 1st, beginning with a two part special in which a twisted serial killer (played by Jeff Goldblum) is randomly poisoning orders of Chinese delivery in the New York City area, resulting in the death of a sitting judge (played by Jeff Goldblum) who was the childhood mentor of Assistant District Attorney Jeff Coldwin (played by Jeff Goldblum), resulting in him starting to blur the lines of right and wrong, threatening not only to end his career as an Assistant District Attorney, but to endanger the lives of Detective Mike Endsgrove (played by Jeff Goldblum) and Detective Karrin Niyachek (played by Jeff Goldblum), who get caught up in the serial killer’s dangerous web while trying to rein in ADA Coldwin. The episode will guest star Jeff Goldblum as a conscientious and observant street performer who provides the crucial clue needed to finally track down the serial killer, ending his reign of terror and saving ADA Coldwin’s career.

During his interview with the Screen Actors’ Guild’s Carrie Redtep, Michael Hamden attempted to press the now impatient-looking PR rep for more information, but was quickly brushed off as Miss Redtep exited into a large, black, stretch limousine waiting parked for her on a nearby curb and honking.

“I’d like to provide more information on the calling the American people have placed upon Hollywood to act as its moral center in this time of political crisis and division, but, unfortunately, I have a prior engagement.” Miss Redtep explained, while hurrying off in heels and a red, designer dress to meet her limo driver. “I’ve got advance tickets for that new, even filthier ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ sequel, so I can’t tarry, but I’ll be happy to speak to you about Hollywood’s responsibility as the all-knowing conscience of America at a later date, if you’d like to please schedule something with my Administrative Assistant.”

As of the posting of this article, no further information has been offered by Carrie Redtep, or anyone else from the Screen Actors’ Guild, to the media on the subject of Jeff Goldblum’s total assimilation of all American television and movies roles. An entertainment reporter, however, is claiming on popular news blog, NowNews, that he saw Miss Redtep leaving the theater playing her long anticipated “Fifty Shades Darker” movie Thursday night only about halfway into the flick, quickly buying a ticket for “Lego Batman” before switching films, her face as beet red as her dress. She was, unfortunately, the only viewer to do so.

[SATIRE] President Trump Forgets to Change Toilet Paper Roll After Using Last Piece; Democratic Protesters Flood the Streets

(Original Post: February 2, 2017)

In a shocking revelation that has made even Republican politicians once strongly supportive of President Trump cringe and back away from the now beleaguered new President, an unnamed White House staff member reported in a candid whistleblower interview with SLNC News’ Timothy Gibbings this morning that after spending “an inordinate time” in the White House bathroom closest to the Oval Office last night, the 45th President of the United States used the last fragment of toilet paper from the current roll in the tissue holder next to the bathroom’s only porcelain throne, and, after only lightly washing his hands, left the bathroom for a National Security briefing he was now a few minutes late for… WITHOUT replacing the toilet paper roll he had expended for the next unsuspecting victim to his scandalous Stall of Shame to use.

“It just shows where the priorities of this new President lie,” Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer explained a few hours ago to veteran reporter Michael Hamden from CBC News. “He claims to be in favor of capitalism and the average American citizen, but he really just wants to use up all the nation’s resources for his own satisfaction, and leave the rest of us to clean up the mess ourselves… exactly like he did in the White House bathroom by the Oval Office.”

As protestors flood into the streets around the White House carrying signs bearing the slogan of “Make America’s Bathrooms Great Again”, similar protests have continued throughout the night on the campus of UC Berkeley, where Brietbart editor Milo Yiannopoulis was scheduled to make a speech, until a report appeared on popular internet news blog NowNews early yesterday afternoon that Mr. Yiannopoulis had only left a scant 5% tip at a casual dining restaurant he visited in the Berkeley area for lunch that day, despite admittedly receiving “excellent service”. Mr. Yiannopoulis attempted to explain his remarks through a series of statements issued to the protestors a few hours later, but found his poorly constructed arguments were completely unable to break the stout logical wall of “We’re going to break store front windows and burn lots of things” retorted by the linguisticly-superior liberal advocates protesting against him, an argument they made not only rhetorically, but honorably followed through with in spades.

As Donald Trump and those of the conservative or Republican persuasion face continuously increasing scrutiny from those on the left calling them Nazis while at the same time organizing violently against them, (a situation which would be very ironic if Donald Trump was not a racist, sexist, Islamophobe, reincarnated Egyptian mummy who clearly deserves whatever horrible things people say or do across the country in protest of his hatefulness, because if the lessons of Nazi Germany taught us anything, it’s definitely not that the ends don’t justify the means, right?) Republicans are already preparing themselves for the inevitable impeachment proceedings that will be required to remove President Trump from office as the scandal of his failure to replace a toilet paper roll he used the last of in the White House bathroom continues to drive the more kind and intellectual members of the American populace onto the street armed with molotov cocktails, driven by the knowledge that everything Donald Trump does, no matter how small, is in some way subconsciously motivated by his extreme white privilege, and will serve to discriminate against both women and minorities. It may also be worth noting that the White House whistleblower who reported Donald Trump’s lack of courtesy in the bathroom, when they themselves tried to use the facility immediately after the President, is a female of undisclosed minority status with a grandmother who once visited Syria. This, on top of everything else we already know about the newly-elected President, should confirm in all our minds exactly what kind of sinister man he really is.

Newly confirmed Secretary of State Rex Tillerson attempted to deploy the eXxon-Men to deescalate the violence in the protests at UC Berkeley, but they disappeared en route after being greeted by an excited Barron Trump, ten year old son of President Trump, whose middle name has recently been revealed to be “Zemo”. If the eXxon-Men do not turn up soon, whatever the cause may be behind their disappearance, Secretary Tillerson has vowed to create a new superhero team to, among other things, “Avenge” them, but has yet to disclose the name of this proposed second force of super-powered metahumans.

[SATIRE] Anti-Trump Protesters Welcome Refugees in Name of Love “As Long As They Don’t Support Hateful President”

(Original Post: January 30, 2017)

As protests continue to mount over newly-elected President Donald Trump’s recent Executive Order restricting travel into the United States by refugees originating out of seven Muslim countries with a high rate of Islamic radicalization, protest leaders have come out to clarify their goals and the more compassionate position they wish to see taken by the new President going forward, stating their objective as “Welcoming in love any refugee who wishes to seek shelter in our nation of immigrants, no matter what country or culture they originate from… as long they don’t support our hateful, illegitimate, racist President.”

Adam Clu, the primary organizer of a recent anti-Trump protest in New York City, sat down with veteran reporter Michael Hamden from CBC News to discuss the subject in more detail on behalf of his fellow protesters.

“Love Trumps Hate.” Adam explained to Mr. Hamden with a cheesy smile while reflexively holding up his right hand as if clutching an invisible protest sign in it. “The United States has a history of welcoming onto our shores those that the rest of the world rejects, and standing up for those who are shunned and stigmatized by other societies. ‘Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free’. Those words found on the pedestal of the Statue of Liberty have a meaning. We should not be a people that divides the world based on racial, cultural, or political lines, but a people that extends a helping hand to those different from ourselves in the name of friendship for the betterment of our common man.”

Mr. Clu’s face then contorted a little, before continuing his impromptu monologue to the quiet and contemplative Mr. Hamden.

“As long as none of those refugees support that hateful racist that illegitimately sits on the seat of U. S. President in the place of the liberated woman who rightfully won the office, Hillary Clinton.” Adam Clu frowned rather coldly, as his hands began to shake in utter rage simply remembering the blight on the face of the American people that was the 2016 Presidential election. “Anyone who supports that sexist Nazi should be shouted down with wave after wave of protest and personal criticism until they realize just how wrong they are – that they are standing in the way of progress, standing in the way of the American people, standing in the way of the future! It disgusts me to even think of that awful man who pretends to be our President thanks to Russian manipulation of stupid, uneducated conservative teabaggers.”

Mr. Hamden began to grow a little confused.

“I thought you were in favor of love?” Michael Hamden asked, trying to understand the sudden change in tone by his guest, feeling very uneasy about the aggressive rhetoric now being thrown at him by his once docile interviewee.

“Love? Of course I am. Love Trumps Hate.” Adam Clu repeated, an unhealthy smile once again appearing on his mostly botox-paralyzed face, a strange twitch beginning in his left cheek as if he were forcing his face into a muscular display of happiness in contrast to his actual emotions. “Just not for Trump. Or anyone in his Cabinet. Or anyone who voted for Trump. Heaven help anyone who voted for that awful man. You better unfriend me fast on Facebook if you’re a Republican so-called “Friend” of mine, because I am going to be posting EVERY DAY to let you know just how horrible and ignorant a choice you have made, and how disgusting it is that Trump is doing exactly what he promised the American people he would do before winning a large majority of the Electoral College vote. We may have lost the election, although not really, but we are going to emotionally punish the entire rest of the country for it every day until we get what we want – complete and utter submission to our opinions… or else!”

Adam Clu began to chuckle oddly to himself before finishing his interview with Michael Hamden with a final ominous statement.

“We Trump protestors love Freedom of Speech, but Freedom of Speech should not include Freedom of Hate Speech.” Mr. Clu said with an even bigger smile than before on his now all-the-more-twitching face. “And because we protesters stand for everything which is good and loving and just and correct, we correctly define Hate Speech as every opinion that isn’t in line with our own… don’t you?”

Feeling suddenly very nervous, Michael Hamden hurriedly nodded before thanking Mr. Clu for his time, and quickly escorting him out of the CBC News studio in which the interview between the two parties took place.

While Adam Clu may not speak for all those opposed to the policies of newly elected President Donald Trump, 105% of all social media users in a poll by upcoming news outet, SLNC News, report they are “extremely sick and tired” of their more politically-minded friends and colleagues using social media to post daily about how “they are completely and utterly correct, and everyone who disagrees with them is awful”, 95% of all social media users report “they are tired of seeing people on social media compare political figures to infamous, genocidal leaders from World War II Era Germany”, and 75% of all social media users report “they are tired of being accused of being a racist/sexist/xenophone/reincarnated Egyptian mummy for having an honest political opinion about a topic with legitimate pros and cons not founded in any form of discrimination”. Meanwhile, only -5% of social media users report enjoying being castigated by their friends and family for having a differing political opinion to their own, -55% of social media users report they agree with President Donald Trump entirely on all of his opinions and policies as stated before and after his inauguration, and -1000% of social media users report that they agree with Donald Trump’s disgusting statements about groping women from his youth which have been played over and over and over and over again in the media as if that is all that there is, ever has been, and ever will be to his character, as legitimately gross, offensive, and worrisome as that statement truly was.

As of the time of this article’s writing, the termination of Acting Attorney General Susan Yates by President Donald Trump was being reported by various mainstream media outlets including CBC News and SLNC News, causing the jobless protestors sitting on the White House lawn in continual complaint against the newly-elected President of the United States to wipe off the dry erase boards on a stick they are now using in place of normal protest signs, and immediately begin brainstorming the new catchphrase of complaint they will begin using tomorrow in response to Trump’s firing of Yates, only stopping their passionate chanting of opinion to occasionally cash entitlement checks from the Federal government that allow them to sustain their lifestyle of continual opposition to the management of the United States, all the while it directly pays to feed them.

[SATIRE] Debate Continues Over Exxon C.E.O. Tillerson – Selection as Secretary of State; Proposal for Superhero Team Known as ‘eXxon-Men’

(Original Post: January 18, 2017)

As the inauguration of 45th United States President, Donald Trump, looms on the horizon but a few days away, debate continues on Capitol Hill about many of the choices made by the President-Elect to fill the seats of his upcoming Cabinet, including his controversial choice to appoint Rex Tillerson, C.E.O. of Exxon Mobil, to the powerful and prestigious post of Secretary of State. Even after his confirmation hearing last Wednesday, doubts remain for many on both sides of the aisle as to his qualification for the post, including significant bi-partisan concern for his shocking new plan to combat the growing threat posed to global peace by antagonistic nations like Russia by the creation of an elite combat team of oil-altered mutant superheroes known as the “eXxon-Men”, who will directly battle national security threats on a global scale.

“By working with noted psychologist, geneticist, and human rights advocate, Professor Charles Francis Xavier, I have implemented a plan to transform a select group of ‘gifted youngsters’ into a well-rounded superhero fighting team, transformed by contact with experimental derivations of Exxon Mobil product, and wielding powers that no nation on Earth will be able to compete with.” Tillerson explained in an interview with CBC News reporter Michael Hamden yesterday. “These eXxon Men, even if they are not accepted by some, will prove to the world our American exceptionalism, even if their true names and identities will not be disclosed to the public for fear of personal retaliation against the eXxon Men by their future enemies.”

Despite attempting to retain his journalistic neutrality, Michael Hamden was clearly unnerved by Mr. Tillerson’s proposal, and responded to his bold declaration by asking if there was a specific threat that the Candidate for Secretary of State had in mind when deciding to create a team of super-powered Rogues in the name of national security.

“Magneto.” Mr. Tillerson answered quickly.

“Magneto?” Michael Hamden cocked his head in disbelief.

“I believe you know him as Vladimir Putin, but we in the Trump administration are aware of his true identity.” Mr. Tillerson responded again, with a cocky smile. “Have you noticed that this man you know as ‘Putin’ never seems to age? It’s almost as if a shapeshifter had taken his place, and was re-creating him the same way year after year while another shadowy figure pulls the strings from behind the scenes. As Secretary of State of the United States, I refuse to buy into the Mystique surrounding the President of Russia.”

Following the CBC News interview, other news outlets have sent follow-up questions to Mr. Tillerson regarding his identification of enemies whose otherwise unopposable threat justifies the Havoc that creating a team of teenage oil-mutated superheroes will undoubtedly unleash onto the world of tomorrow. In a short appearance on Cable news early this morning, Mr. Tillerson shared more of the Sinister threats he imagined would have to stopped, in the end, by his supermutants.

“Shadow King.” Mr. Tillerson explained. “You may know him as Kim Jong-un. Have you noticed how similar he is to his father? It’s almost like his body is just a host, and something more… unnatural… is possessing him, just as it did his father before him. We in the Trump Administration have named this supernatural astral being the ‘Shadow King’. Any other questions?”

“Yes, any other enemies you’d care to name today?” the now Jubilant small time morning show host asked Secretary of State Candidate, Rex Tillerson, overjoyed to have someone so prestigious on their humble little broadcast.

“Well, there’s the leadership of Communist China, or as we call them, the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants.” Mr. Tillerson answered. “We’re also looking into some more local threats for the eXxon-Men to fight. There was a push to address overweight liberal film maker Michael Moore as ‘The Blob’ in all official Trump administration emails, but some bleeding heart hired by Ivonka shot that one down as ‘offensive’ for whatever reason. I’ve thrown about the idea of calling David Letterman ‘Sabretooth’, as well, but that’s more for my own personal amusement.”

“I see…” the TV host replied, somewhat confused, before trying to return the conversation to a more serious direction.

When asked if the eXxon-Men would also be equipped to help with war efforts in Iraq and Afghanistan, Mr. Tillerson looked noticeably uncomfortable, before hesitantly commenting that he planned to keep his superhero team out of the “Savage Land” for now, at least until they’re “ready to deal with Sauron’s hypnosis”.

When his multiple interviews revealing information about enemies for the eXxon-Men only seemed to increase rather than decrease the number of questions, concerns, and personal insults received from the press about his eXxon-Men strategy, Tillerson released a final statement just before the publication of this article, and is now refusing to discuss the issue further until his installment as Secretary of State.

“No matter what you or the American people themselves may think of my plan to create the super-powered force known as the eXxon-Men, the truth is that we are in a different world today than we lived in ten years ago.” the statement read, obtained only a few minutes prior by Eye of Zatara sources. “A vastly different and Marvelous world, but one that threatens to fall like Dominos if we do not embrace the Longshot of creating a superhero team to oppose the Beasts and brutes that threaten its security. The threats we face are real. It may seem a bit of a Gambit to oppose these dangers with force, but I believe we can successfully ride the Storms of our current world if use every knight, rook, and Bishop at our disposal to win this global game of chess known as national security. What choice do we have? If we simply avert our eyes to the truth, if we ignore our duty as stalwart Sentinels of the American dream and refuse to even try to Forge a better world for our children, there is no future for us but this – but to fall to the fierce, united Phalanx of our enemies and watch the world slowly fall, like a dying Phoenix, into the crimson Hellfire of a then well-deserved Apocalypse.”

Attached to the bottom of Mr. Tillerson’s public statement was a similar sentiment from proposed eXxon-Men leader Charles Xavier, as well as a mugshot from a still unidentified, grey-haired older man wearing shades with a scribbled note at the bottom of his picture that this was his “cameo” and that “the eXxon-Men will return in 2018”.

[SATIRE] “Blixo the Red State Reindeer” and the Evil Grummold Grump!

(Original Post: December 23, 2016)
*Read to the bottom for a special holiday message from the “Eye of Zatara”.

From the makers of “Wendy’s Frosty the Tasty Snowman” and the writers of “It’s the Offensive St. Patrick’s Day Irish Stereotype, Charlie Brown!”, this Christmas Day, experience a new holiday classic unlike any you’ve ever seen before. Gather your politically-informed children around the tree and roast chestnuts on a burning collection of your multiple “I Voted” stickers while witnessing the untold story of Santa’s favorite back-up reindeer, “Blixo”, as he sets out on his own magical holiday adventure of social enlightenment in “Blixo, the Red State Reindeer,” premiering Christmas Day on your local CBC affiliate station!

Join Blixo, an otherwise happy and friendly little reindeer from the heavily Republican-controlled state of Texas, as under the influence of conservative talk radio and the Fox News Channel, he fails to identify newly-elected King of the North Pole, the sinister Grummold Grump, as the racist, con artist, and hatemonger that he is, spouting patent absurdities like “Why not at least give him a chance?” or “Maybe you shouldn’t call him a fascist just because you disagree with him politically?”

Everything changes for Blixo, however, after his more tolerant and compassionate friends block him one by one on Facebook until, at last, the lonely little reindeer (and hopefully your more independent-thinking children, as well!) realizes through social shaming and absolute conformity of idea the error of having his own opinion without being looked down on or insulted. Unable to bear the election of Grummold Grump any longer, Blixo joins Rudolph and the gang in a riotous romp of rage and vandalism through the streets of Santa’s Christmas Town, coming upon Mr. Grump’s wife just as she prepares to board a commercial sleigh flight, and shouting her down with entitlement-driven insults and anger.

In the end, Blixo learns that the greatest Christmas present of all is to use the power of social media to paint everyone he disagrees with personally and politically as a World-War-starting dictator, and to never accept or respect the results of any election unless it conforms exactly with his own opinion. The song at the end of the tale summarizes the entire wondrous holiday story, and will keep your children singing happily throughout the remainder of our country’s brief existence before the “End of Days” (the coming inauguration of President-Elect Donald J. Trump). As a thank you for all your support of the CBC Network this year, we’ve gone ahead and included the lyrics for this new musical classic at the end of this article below. Teach your children the words ahead of time for extra social justice bonus points – it’s like saving a tree, but without any of that exhausting cost and sacrifice that saving a tree normally requires!

Happy all-inclusive, not-necessarily-religious, government-sanctioned Work Holidays, Everyone!

***

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen
They all voted rightly, even that rogue Blitzen
But where you aware?
Of the Red State Reindeer who just didn’t care?

Popular leftist opinion,
Says that Grummold Grump is mean,
And if you dare a challenge,
You’ll verbally have your clock cleaned.
All of the other reindeer are tolerant as they can be,
Clearly, if you voted for Grump, you must be a racist, see?

Blixo is a reindeer from a Red State – yes, those old hicks,
Who aren’t educated enough to vote right, probably because they’re from the sticks.

So, if you aren’t a hater,
Compare Grump to Hitler on Facebook,
Otherwise, next time I see you,
I’ll give you that judgmental look.

You know the one I reference,
That liberal-guilt-filled, judgmental look!

***
EDIT: Seriously, people, all the Gatekeeper’s ridiculousness and cleverish satire aside, I know those of you on the left don’t like Donald Trump, and can’t stand the fact that he won the election. I didn’t vote for him, either. (I actually voted Independent for the first and hopefully last time ever.) But, can we all tone down the rhetoric a little? Donald Trump is no Mother Teresa, but he’s not Hitler, he’s not Stalin, he’s just a very egotistical man who got elected because people are so tired of being lied to by the political establishment that they were willing to vote for anyone that promised them something different who actually looked like he had a shot of winning and doing a decent job of leading the country. As we approach Christmas Day, the time many of us celebrate our Lord and Savior’s miraculous birth, and a commonly-recognized time of peace and joy for even those without strong religious belief, can we not come together for a few days as a country and agree to some boundary lines beyond which we won’t go in insulting people we disagree with politically? Just something to think about…

Merry Christmas, Everyone.

~The Watchman

[SATIRE] Frustrated Trump Names Actual Cabinet to Presidential Cabinet; Furniture Piece Still Derided as “Right Wing Extremist” by Media

(Original Post: November 24, 2016)

After the election of deceased 20th century politician Thomas E. Dewey (reported two weeks ago here on the “Eye of Zatara”) was overturned by the U.S. Supreme Court in a 7 to 1 decision last week, new President-Elect Donald J. Trump has begun the difficult work of creating a Presidential Cabinet to ease his transition into the role of U.S. President next January. After bearing continuous criticism by the media since long before his confirmation as President Elect earlier this month, along with a bombardment of attacks by Hillary Clinton voters on social media calling him everything up to and including a Nazi, apparently unaware of the irony of their own use of hate speech in this manner, Donald Trump has apparently given in to frustration and pressure, and named an actual cabinet he found at Ikea to the position of “Secretary of the Interior”, a decision which has met with immediate backlash from multiple media sources, calling the cabinet a “neocon”, “Teabagger”, and “right wing extremist”.

The cabinet in question – a tall, two-doored black fiberboard and particleboard number, on sale this Black Friday for 50% off which Donald Trump declared as an “immediate savings for the American people”, was chosen for its sturdy frame and stylish features, on recommendation of an Ikea employee named Larry that Trump stumbled into while trying to find the restroom in the vast, small town of a department store. While the cabinet has yet to clarify many of its political positions or plans for the office of the Interior, many commenters on the Fox News Network have celebrated the cabinet as “the most honest politician they have ever met” after meeting both Trump and the cabinet for drinks as is customary for all Newscorp employees immediately after the nightly completion of their primetime programming block on the Fox News channel.

Rachel Maddow on the MSNBC Network, however, very harshly criticized Trump’s choice of the cabinet, saying last night on her show that no one watches or remembers the name of that “The rigidity of the cabinet is typical of those who surround Donald Trump. They are unmoving extremists, unwilling to bend to the left on any issue to make deals across the aisle. To the contrary, they stand obstructively in place like a piece of furniture, completely blocking the aisle, funded by Big Retail and born from the destruction of precious trees that produce the oxygen we all need to breathe. This cabinet is everything we have come to fear from a Donald Trump Presidency, and should be filibustered without a second th-… what’s that word? I can’t read the teleprompter. Yes, I’m talking to you, Bill. Move it down a page, darn it! There we go… and should be filibustered without a second thought. There, Bill, was it really that hard to stop flirting with the camera girl and do your freaking job for a minute there?”

Despite the criticism, the Trump Transition Team has not backed down from their decision, however. To the contrary, they have pushed forward with another wave of similarly controversial Presidential Cabinet picks, with rumors now circulating that the territory of Puerto Rico is now in top consideration for the post of Secretary of State once thought likely to be offered to former vocal Donald Trump critic, Mitt Romney. When Michael Hamden of CBC News, aware of the literal decision Trump was attempting to make in appointing a state to the Secretary of State position pointed out to Donald Trump at a press conference this morning that Puerto Rico is not technically a state, the President-Elect simply responded “Your mother’s not a state.” and then reflexively added to Mr. Hamden “You’re fired.”

Other rumored Trump selections at this point include Energizer batteries’ drum-wielding pink bunny mascot for the “Secretary of Energy” post, a local San Antonio area farmer familiar with fence posts and plywood for the position of “Secretary of Da’ Fence”, and actor Keifer Sutherland for the post of “Secretary of Homeland Security” based on his “proven ability to get the job done within a single 24 hour time frame”. Inside sources have added that Trump plans to save money for the American taxpayers by then dissolving the Secretary of Homeland Security post after 24 hours until “next season” when Keifer Sutherland will immediately be rehired for the position, a move Mr. Trump believes will make Keifer Sutherland a “designated survivor” among his picks, a brilliant choice guaranteed to endure all Congressional backlash from the Democratic party in contrast to his other choices. Contrary to Mr. Trump’s hopes, however, all these rumors, including those about Mr. Sutherland, have only met with further criticism from most of the press and those strongly opposed to the President-Elect on social media.

“The Cabinet picks of President-Elect Trump clearly prove how out of touch he is with the American electorate,” the cast of “Hamilton” ended the second act of their Broadway show by announcing to their audience, after calling out a man in the front row for his poor fashion choices and a woman near the back of the packed theater venue for an ugly tattoo visible on her shoulder thanks to a sleeveless top she chose to wear to their show, “If Trump wants to be the President for ALL of diverse America, he’s going to have to make picks that specifically appeal to us and our political agenda, and to heck with his own thoughts and voters. Otherwise, he’s a racist, and we’re going to criticize him like all-knowing moral authorities in the middle of each of our shows until he listens to us. Excuse me, Sir, in the third row with the weird grandpa glasses on, we’re trying to lecture you on politics here. Could you please be so kind as to stop chatting to the guy next to you and listen?”

“Look, it comes down to this – I’m going to choose the people in my cabinet that I think will best enable me to win at being President of the United States of America” President-Elect Trump stated in a quick coffee shop interview with a CNN reporter several hours ago, while trying to figure out how to claim his latte from a barista clearly refusing to read the name “Trump” written on the President-Elect’s cup a couple feet away, “If that means making a quality piece of furniture from a reputable business my Secretary of the Interior, then that’s what I’m going to do. You should wait to see what I do with my Czars. I went all out and got Putin’s advice on a couple of those.”

“Oh?” the reporter inquired, growing both curious and nauseous at the same time, a Starbucks manager just behind him dialing the cops to report Trump’s ordering of a cup of coffee under his own name while the President-Elect’s barista continued to shakily hold the Voldemort-monickered cup of joe in his increasingly traumatized young hand, his innocent lips unable to reveal the horrifyingly evil identity of its purchaser.

“Think ‘Nuclear Wessels’.” Trump winked, while drawing a Star Trek logo in the air with his fingers. “Oh, it’s gonna be great. You’ll see. You’ll all see…”

As of the release of this article, neither Walter Koenig or Anton Yelchin would confirm to “Eye of Zatara” sources whether or not the Trump Transition Team had reached out to them about a “Czar” position in his upcoming administration. Unconfirmed reports do, however, identify “Star Trek: Discovery” Executive Producer Bryan Fuller as Trump’s first choice for Presidential speech writer, but claim he declined the position after a jockish high schooler called him a “regressive Republican hack” shortly after meeting with Trump to discuss the possible position, an act which caused the Executive Producer to barricade himself crying in his condo again.

[SATIRE] 2016 Presidential Election Results: DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMP!

(Original Post: November 9, 2016)

In a stunning reversal of all expected results of the 2016 U.S. Presidential race, it seems write-in candidate and former New York Governor Thomas E. Dewey, a Republican Governor famous for his two failed Presidential bids against Democrat Franklin Delano Roosevelt in the 1940s, has secured the 270 electoral college votes required to clench the office of United States President from both Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton AND Republican candidate Donald J. Trump, according to sources other than just the Chicago Daily Tribune this time.

Dewey, who died from a heart attack in 1971, was originally introduced as a possible write-in candidate for this year’s election by several popular social media outlets and blogs as a joke, but rapidly became a legitimate Presidential choice for 2016, appearing on the ballot in 48 of 50 states plus the District of Columbia, after gaining widespread grassroots support in the face of two extremely unpopular candidates elected in the primaries by both major American political parties.

“We initially rejected Thomas Dewey as a possible choice for the U.S. Presidential race when his supporters first began to approach us,” one unnamed Board of Elections official for the state of New Jersey reported off the record to CBC News reporter Michael Hamden earlier this week, “but the requests to add him to the ballot just kept coming in. People loved his hard stance on organized crime, and success in prosecuting infamous mobster ‘Lucky Luciano’ as District Attorney of New York County. They said to themselves ‘This is the kind of man who should be President of the United States.’ After a while, we just couldn’t take all the phone calls and hand-written letters, so we added him to the ballot. We didn’t actually expect him to win.”

Each earning an even split of 109 electoral votes a piece, Republican candidate Donald Trump and Democrat candidate Hillary Clinton individually conceded to Dewey shortly after confirmation that he had reached a projected total of 276 electoral votes shortly after 3 am Eastern Standard Time this morning.

“We were shocked.” one unnamed Clinton staffer reported to blog NewsNow shortly after Hillary Clinton’s short concession speech. “We would have understood losing to Trump, as he is at least as alive and breathing as Ms. Clinton, but losing to a deceased Republican Presidential candidate from the 20th Century? You really can’t guess these kinds of things in politics ahead of time.”

“Wait, there was an election last night?” current Vice President of the United States, Joe Biden, added, after wandering into Clinton Campaign Headquarters by accident while attempting to find a McDonalds serving all night breakfast in the area. “Who won? Let me guess, Barack, right? Wait, am I Vice President again?”

While Hillary Clinton is reported by close personal friends to have taken the news relatively well, only ordering the execution of less than half of her most trusted campaign advisors after reluctantly admitting defeat to Thomas Dewey, multiple media outlets are reporting Donald Trump may not be faring as well, psychologically, with the unexpected defeat.

“He hasn’t stopped eating taco bowls since the concession speech.” Joey Hargrave, producer for Trump’s now cancelled new documentary series “Winning At Everything – The King/President Donald J. Trump Story”, expected to air back-to-back on Fox News for the first 72 hours after the final election results came in, reported to a drooling husk slightly resembling Chris Matthews from MSNBC around 6 am Eastern Standard Time this morning. “He just says keeps repeating ‘The votes haven’t all been counted yet. I’ve got to eat more taco bowls.’ over and over again. I think he’s thrown up at least six or seven times, but he just keeps eating…”

“He’s also barricaded several of the doors in his study with pillows,” Joey Hargrave admitted to the Chris Matthews-esque zombie a few minutes later, while MSNBC’s ratings of the live coverage rapidly fluctuated between one and two television viewers. “He texted me a picture saying ‘I told you I would build a wall. Let’s see them cross the border into my office now!’ I really don’t think the man is well…”

While many news outlets are focusing on the reaction of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump to Thomas Dewey’s election as America’s first Necromantic-American President, fewer outlets investigated the effect such a startling turn of fortune is having on other “dark horse” candidates such as Independent candiate Evan McMullin or Libertarian Party choice for President, Gary Johnson. In fact, as of the time of this article’s publication, no attempt had been made by any news outlet, including our own, to gauge Mr. McMullin or Mr. Johnson’s reactions to Thomas Dewey’s victory, nor those of Green Party Candidate, Jill… Somebody. This will likely continue to be the case.

Rumors that, due to an accidental deletion of the email sent to advise her of this by Democratic Party officials, defeated candidate Hillary Clinton is actually yet unaware of her loss to Thomas Dewey, and simply executed a portion of her campaign staff for sheer entertainment value, are, as of yet, unsubstantiated. Rumors that crazed Dewey supporters are frantically trying to hook up a Tesla Auto-Pilot device to the corpse of Thomas Dewey in order to animate him in time for his Presidential inauguration are, also, unconfirmed at this time, but line up with other surfacing reports involving failed attempts to revive him using a red-colored feather dubbed a “Phoenix Down” and a lightning-powered contraption constructed by a technologically-gifted ardent fan of Mary Shelley.

In a bizarre violation of precedent, Dewey himself remains silent on his victory, and has offered no acceptance victory even after winning the 270+ electoral college votes needed to earn the title Leader of the Free World. Presumed Vice Presidential electee Earl Warren has remained similarly quiet, despite being named as a possible replacement for Antonin Scalia in the U.S. Supreme Court, assuming Scalia cannot reclaim the seat himself after being equipped with a Tesla Auto-Pilot.

[SATIRE] “Crisis of Character” and the Fox News Scandal

“CRISIS OF CHARACTER” AND THE FOX NEWS SCANDAL
by NENSPAC

(Original Post: July 1, 2016)

As the countdown to November continues among Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump and Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, some on the Republican side are questioning why a recently released book by decorated military officer and former Secret Service agent, Gary J. Byrne, “Crisis of Character”, in which Mr. Byrne describes his experiences in guarding Former President Bill Clinton, often times from his own wife, who was reported to have been considered a threat to her husband’s safety, and, on at least one occasion, appears to have given him a black eye after throwing a vase at his head in a fit of anger, has not gotten almost any attention from the mainstream media.

One reporter brought up this point during a press conference with Mrs. Clinton late last week, asking her if she was aware of this book, and whether or not the allegations contained within it about her hair-trigger fuse and often violent anger did, in fact, have any validity.

“Of course not!” Hillary Clinton laughed politely, while smiling at the litany of reporters gathered around her podium. “This just goes to show that those on the Republican side will say and do anything to keep a woman from being elected President. You know, I haven’t even heard of this book. Tell me, do you have a copy here with you? I’d like to take a picture with it for the press just so everyone can see how ridiculous this whole thing is.”

“I do actually.” the reporter acknowledged, handing Former Secretary of State Clinton a copy from the brown messenger bag hanging from his shoulder. “Here… you can keep it.”

“Why, thank you…” Hillary smiled kindly, before wrenching the book out of the reporter’s hands and chucking it into his face as hard as she could, successfully knocking the reporter unconscious. “Again, there is absolutely NO credibility to any of the claims made in this outlandish book. Do I look like an angry person to you? Maybe when I don’t have my coffee, but I don’t exactly go around throwing things at people when I’m a little caffeine-starved, despite what some of the conservative extremists in the Donald Trump campaign may tell you.”

“Um… Mrs. Clinton?” another reporter chimed in, taking a step back from the first reporter to avoid getting blood on his new dress shoes. “Did you just knock Michael Hamden from CBC News unconscious with a copy of the ‘Crisis of Character’ book he just gave you?”

“No… of course not. That’s ridiculous! What is this, a Tea Party rally?” Clinton smiled, before taking a step down from her podium to rest a hand comfortingly on the second reporter’s shoulder. “Don’t you have any REAL questions to ask me, instead of these Republican talking points memos?”

Feeling instinctual fear for the first time in his entire career as a reporter for the Daily Trumpet, the second reporter, John Lachum from Nebraska, slowly shook his head no while sweating profusely, holding his breath until Mrs. Clinton smiled and took her hand off his shoulder, returning to her podium on the stage above him.

The matter did not drop with Mr. Lachum, however. It was ironically the often liberal-identifying MSNBC network to next bring up the story of Candidate Clinton’s supposed hurling of a bestselling novel at the head of a CBC News reporter, being one of the primary topics on Chris Matthews’ “Hardball” show the next evening.

“Hillary Clinton, physically accosted by a reporter from Fox News, and forced to defend herself by throwing a book at this cowardly extension of the Republican party, who then used another reporter like a human shield, causing that reporter to be knocked unconscious and taken to the hospital for medical treatment. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF ANYTHING THIS RIDICULOUS??? FOX NEWS SHOULD BE ASHAMED, AND, IF THEY HAD ANY DECENCY AT ALL, THEY WOULD APOLOGIZE IMMEDIATELY, BOTH TO ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEED FUTURE PRESIDENT HILLARY CLINTON, AND TO THE CBC REPORTER, MICHAEL HAMDEN, AND HIS FAMILY.”

“Resist, we much. We must. And we will much. About that, be committed.” added Al Sharpton, on his own MSNBC program the next day.

Unable to determine how they even got involved in the apparent media scandal despite having abstained from even sending a reporter to any of Hillary Clinton’s press conferences since just before Christmas, Fox News responded in the only way they knew how, by inviting Donald Trump on each and every one of their evening programs for an interview, and repeatedly discussing the matter with him at length.

“I think Native Americans should pay taxes just like the rest of us.” Donald Trump explained, while Fox News personality Bill O’Reilly stared introspectively at the button on his broadcast booth to turn off Mr. Trump’s microphone. “Did I mention I love Cinco De Mayo? Trump Tower Grill makes the best taco bowls in town! You’re fired! Sorry, force of habit.”

As Trump continued to ramble on incoherently throughout Fox News’ evening line-up, Michael Hamden released a statement of his own to the media, after being confronted by a reporter on his way back to the hospital to have his stitches removed.

“I don’t really remember a lot about the last few weeks, honestly. Supposedly, it’s a side effect of having such a severe concussion.” Mr. Hamden said hurriedly, looking around nervously for any sign of books flying at him. “All I know is I’m never wearing a messenger bag full of reading materials to another press conference event again. Next time I’m worried about getting bored at work, I’ll just download ‘Generally Disgruntled Birds’ on my phone like everybody else. Or ‘Candy Crush: Diabetes Saga’. Wait… who am I again?”

This news story was sponsored by NENSPAC, the Non-Existent Nonsensical Political Action Committee, which like its name suggests, does not exist. Just like MSNBC’s viewers. Please don’t throw books at us. We don’t have good health insurance here.