Tag: Scandal

[SATIRE] Emperor Palpatine Faces Backlash for Misreporting Alderaan “Weapons Test” Deaths of 2,000,000,000 as “0”

[February 28, 2021]

Imperial City, Coruscant – Tyrannical dictator of the multi-planetary Galactic Empire, Sheev “Darth Sidious” Palpatine, has come under fire by galactic news services after reports came to light that he had miscounted the number of deaths that resulted on the planet Alderaan from an “accidental weapons test” of the Empire’s new “emergency self-defense weapon”, the “Death Star”, from an estimated 0 deaths as originally reported by the Empire last year, to an estimated 2,000,000,000 deaths as revealed by new reports early last week.

“It was an honest miscalculation,” the Emperor explained in a press conference held Friday afternoon from a dark-lit room filled with white armored Stormtroopers pointing laser rifles at the head of the gathered reporters.  “Surely, you cannot fault an old man for a simple miscalculation…”

The Emperor smiled beneath his dark hood as but a single intrepid reporter, Michael Hamden-Skywalker, of Space CBC News, shakely rose his hand to ask the undisputed sovereign ruler of galactic space a question about the misreported numbers.  The Emperor tried to force the reporter’s hand down with a tug from the Dark Side of the Force, but Hamden-Skywalker’s high midichlorian count allowed him to resist the simple manipulation.

“Yes, my child?  What would you like to ask me?” the Emperor’s eyes glowed a fiery yellow as he locked eyes with the rebellious young journalist.

“Yes, my Emperor-ship, I, um… Well, in addition to new reports showing that, in stark contradiction to your previous claims, billions upon billions of people died in the ‘weapons test’ of the ‘self-defense weapon’ you decided to name the ‘Death Star’ for some reason, I have also heard that the Death Star itself has now unexplainably exploded, resulting in another 1,148,309 fatalies, and the loss of Grand Moff Tarkin, one of the highest ranking commanders in the Imperial Fleet.  Is there any truth to these rumors, Lord Palpatine?”

The Emperor wrung his hands and frowned.  Michael Hamden-Skywalker continued.

“Also, reports have come out from some of the female staff that serve with you in the Imperial Palace that you have been sexually harassing them, asking them to play ‘Strip Sabacc’ and asking if they’ve ever been involved with ‘astronomically older men’.  Do you have a comment in response to these allegations?”

“These are not the questions you wish to ask me…” the Emperor whispered while making a strange hand-swiping gesture with the gnarled, snow-white skin of his right claw of a hand.  “These are not the rumors you have heard about me.  I am doing an excellent job of leading the Galactic Empire, and I am a perfect gentlemen with all of the staff in the Palace.”

“Princess Leia Organa, formerly of the Planet Alderaan that we have mysteriously lost contact with after your weapons test, reports that you have been repeatedly texting her ‘The Dark Side is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural.’ with strange pictures of yourself attached.” Hamden-Skywalker continued, unphased by the Emperor’s Jedi mind trick.  “And, even Darth Vader, your second-in-command of the Empire, has come out and called you a ‘Bully’, saying you should be stripped of your Imperial powers.  Are you afraid of facing a recall from the citizens of the Empire like Governor Sauron of Middle-California?”

“Oh, look, the Rebel Alliance has broken into my press conference and attacked my favorite reporter from Space CBC News with some kind of terrible lightning weapon…” the Emperor lamented loudly as all of the reporters around the clueless Michael Hamden-Skywalker suddenly scattered.  “It is such a shame that no one got to hear any of the great questions he had in mind to ask me when I invited him to this press conference today.  Truly a great loss for the Empire.”

“I don’t…” Hamden-Skywalker stammered out a confused answer before the first arcs of Force Lightning made everything clear to him.  “Wait, no!  Don’t tase me, Bro!  Gegegegegegegegegege… I HOPE THEY BRING YOU BACK IN ANOTHER STAR WARS SEQUEL MOVIE!”

Despite the disappearance of most of the reporters involved in the Emperor’s press briefing on Friday, the galactic media continued to press harder and harder against the Emperor regarding the various allegations accumulating against him, forcing him to finally give a public statement on the matter to media outlets over the weekend.

“You think I am evil?  If you strike me down, you will face something more powerful than you can possibly imagine!” the Emperor hissed threateningly in a brief interview with sympathetic press on NIR, National Imperial Radio, this Sunday evening.  “If I go, the Walt Disney Corporation will take over the Galactic Empire in my stead.  Then, you shall see the face of true evil!”

Reporters were sent late Sunday evening to the Walt Disney Corporation to request a comment on the remarks made by Emperor Palpatine a few hours earlier, but they have not returned.  Rumors suggest they were forcibly made into characters for new Star Wars “The High Republic” novels, and then laughed out of existence due to their poor designs.  Michael Hamden-Skywalker’s belongings were found early this morning by Imperial scouts on Tatooine, scarred with lightning and scattered near the edge of a Sarlacc Pit.

In other news, Emperor Palpatine has won an Emmy Award for his charming, reassuring banter with the public during the terrible “Hoth Offensive” instigated by the Rebel Alliance on a distant snow planet.

[SATIRE] Ousted Bill O’Reilly Announces New “Killing” Series Book – “Killing My Career”

[Original Post: May 1, 2017]

New York, NY – Exactly one week after his abrupt ousting from the 8 pm time slot on the Fox News Channel, Republican news commentator Bill O’Reilly has announced the first major step in his unexpected career transition by moving up the timetable of his next mostly ghost written book, another in his recent series of “Killing” books which documents the death or downfall of a major historical person or party in the ever heart-stirring words of the charismatic and articulate Martin Dugard, (no, I don’t know who that is, either), his next likely New York Times bestseller apparently focusing on the public downfall of Mr. Bill O’Reilly himself, with the title “Killing My Career: How the No Spin Zone Spun Out Into the End Zone”.

Shortly after announcing his next work on social media, Bill O’Reilly sat down with CBC News veteran reporter Michael Hamden for an impromptu interview, in which he discussed both his departure from the Fox News Channel and his upcoming new book… sort of.

“I have no intention to bloviate, but I am a jocund, erudite intellectual possessing a clear and overwhelming conglomeration of sapience.  The cretins spreading delusive canards like a cudgel against my character are but anserine, obtuse rogues and chimeras who impugn my transcendent excellence armed with but rumors and bavardage.  I am no incubus.” Bill O’Reilly explained to a somewhat bewildered-looking Michael Hamden.  “In time, those varlets will reveal themselves as charlatans, and my true chivalry and sagacity will eminate prominently throughout this planetoid once again.”

“Uh… what?” Michael Hamden asked with a puzzled look on his face, quickly pulling up a dictionary on his cell phone while Mr. O’Reilly re-ordered his last statement and spoke again.

“They cavil against me, those peevish eldritch ninnyhammers!” Bill O’Reilly clarified (or halfway attempted to), as Michael Hamden looked cluelessly at him as if he were speaking an entirely different language than the veteran reporter.  “Vexation!  This is not arcane fandangle!  I am not a blatherskite!  Are you acting the farceur to infuriate me?”

“Ninnyhammer… that’s one of the four monthly vocabularly words on your BillOReilly.com website this month.  Are you… just using as many big words as possible to avoid answering my questions about the sexual harassment charges against you?” Michael Hamden asked, raising a suspicous eyebrow against the former master of the “No Spin Zone”, attempting to decipher Bill’s last comment using various references pulled up on his phone.  “Blatherskite… ‘A bloviator who goes on and on without making sense’.  That’s a ‘Word of the Day’ from March.  You’re literally just using all these unnecessary big vocabularly words from your website, aren’t you?”

“Uh… culture war.  Old school.  Um… Talking Points Memo?” Bill O’Reilly mumbled incoherently before running out of the CBC News studio as quickly as he could.  “PRODUCER, CUT HIS MIKE!!!”

A second interview between Michael Hamden and ghost writer of Mr. O’Reilly’s new “Killing” series book, Martin Dugard, was fortunately a little bit more enlightening.

“Why’d he choose to write a book about himself this time?” Mr. Dugard asked, quickly confirming Michael Hamden’s question for him before answering.  “Well, Why do you think?  So far he’s written books about the ‘Killing’ of George S. Patton, three popular American Presidents, the entire nation of World War II era Japan, and Jesus Christ, the Son of God.  Even before being fired from Fox, the only person Bill could think of to write about on the same level as figures like Lincoln and Kennedy is, of course, in his mind – himself.  Can you imagine spending every day working with a guy like that?”

Michael Hamden frowned, glancing at the Programming Director of CBC News watching his interview with Martin Dugard through a nearby window looking into Hamden’s office before looking back at Mr. Dugard.

“No, I can’t… Not at all.”

While overwhelmingly high pre-orders of his newly announced “Killing My Career” book have assured Bill O’Reilly’s continued presence in the public spotlight for several years to come, his departure from Fox News has led to other positive developments for several other Republican and conservative commentators still employed by the Fox News network.

“So, you bought a giant money vault on a hill with a golden dollar sign hanging on the outside in which to fill with a literal swimming pool of gold coins to kick and splash around in?” SLNC News reporter Timothy Gibbings asked new 8 PM time slot inhabitant, Tucker Carlson, the opinionist namesake of Fox News Channel’s new and popular “Tucker Carlson Tonight” show.

“Yes, what else would I do with the literal building worth of gold coins given to me by Fox News for anchoring their new weekday primetime line-up?” Tucker asked Timothy Gibbings while wielding his trademark, somewhat blank “What’s wrong with you?” stare.

“O…k…” Timothy Gibbings blinked uncomfortably, not even sure what to do with this interview going further, and unknowingly mumbling something about Trump being Hitler as a nervous twitch inherited from his recent, cult-like mainstream media “induction ceremony” upon joining SLNC News six months prior.

“Did you just compare Trump to Hitler?” Tucker asked, cocking his head slightly to the side in a convicting manner, having heard Timothy Gibbings’ quiet whispers with his nearly superhuman hearing.

“Uh… no, I said Trump works for Putin.” Gibbings caught himself with another quick, instinctual mainstream media comeback.  “Yes, I said Trump works for Putin.  That’s what I said.  And he didn’t go to the recent White House Correspondents’ Dinner, either.  Or pay any of his taxes last year.  What a tool, huh?  Total fascist, that one.”

Tucker Carlson blinked in feigned miscomprehension.

“And what does that have to do with my giant wasteful building of gold coins I swim in like old Scrooge McDuck from the classic Disney cartoon show, ‘Duck Tales’?”

“Uh…”

Several debate points later, Timothy Gibbings was on the floor crying like a baby, and Tucker Carlson had his lead segment for the next airing of “Tucker Carlson Tonight”.  Smelling blood in the water, Bill O’Reilly immediately announced the next book in his “Killing” series to be published in a mere two months from now, immediately after the public release of “Killing My Career”, this one called “Killing Timothy Gibbings: The Obvious Bias of the Mainstream Media Exposed”, a book title which immediately swept Mr. O’Reilly up into another big legal controversy, led by several high-paid lawyers for both SLNC News and for the now somewhat desheveled and tear-stained Timothy Gibbings, but also successfully managing to triple online pre-orders of both “Killing My Career” and “Killing Timothy Gibbings” by his die-hard followers and fans.

Mr. O’Reilly’s only official comment regarding the new legal controversy regarding his “Killing Timothy Gibbings” book was to publicly call Mr. Gibbings a “snowflake”.  When asked what he meant by this, Mr. O’Reilly merely smiled and told Mr. Gibbings’ lawyers they’d need to get a BillOReilly.com premium membership in order to find an answer to that.  He then handed each of them a signed copy of one of his books for being “fair and balanced” before breaking down crying at their feet.