Joe Biden – The Eye of Zatara

[SATIRE] “Taste of Space” in Coca-Cola Starlight Revealed to Just Be Stale Sugar Cookies

By: “The Gatekeeper”

St. Laramie Parish, LA – Customers struggled to push their way into their favorite “Dollar General” in downtown Madville today as Coca-Cola slowed its production of “Coca-Cola Starlight”, a limited time product made to “Taste Like Space”, which apparently means to taste like the stale sugar cookies Coca-Cola was buying from various dollar stores throughout the country to make the drink.

“One day, Coca-Cola was buying every single cheap, flavorless, lightly frosted sugar cookie we had in stock, and, the next, boom… we have so many ‘Super Sugary Wafers’ the automatic doors can’t even push open through the things to let the regulars in.” Dollar General manager Dale Bakerston reported to CBC News reporter Michael Hamden, Jr. this morning. “I guess people didn’t like the flavor of the stars or whatever.”

Coca-Cola denies using years old discount brand sugar cookies to create the distinct kick of their new Coca-Cola brand product, however, and says the increase of ‘Rainbow Happy Cookies’ and ‘Kimbler Elf Delights’ on the shelves of local discount stores is just a coincidence.

“Coca-Cola harvested a unique blend of unusual, cosmological flavors to mix together into the masterpiece that is our limited edition ‘Coca-Cola Starlight’ product, and that’s why millions of customers with poor taste throughout the country have celebrated the beverage with open arms and even opener wallets.” Director of Marketing at Coca-Cola, Inc., Todd Fizz, told online news outlet NowNews last week. “You really think we’d crush up stale shortbread cookies and sugar into a Coca-Cola and call it something new? I mean, come on, this is Coca-Cola we’re talking about. We’d never do something cheap like that, and admit it. Never! Besides, the sales of Coca-Cola Starlight have been incredible! Stellar… even.”

“Isn’t that just because people are accidentally buying Starlight while reaching for what a few months ago would have been a Cherry Coke?” NowNews asked in reply, while shaking their head at Mr. Fizz’s obvious pun. “Everywhere I go, it seems like store vendors are just replacing the Cherry Coke spots in their fridges with Starlight, and the label color is almost identical. You don’t even realize you got cheated until you leave the store and take a sip. By, then, it’s too late to get a refund.”

“You sound like you’re speaking from experience…” Todd Fizz answered thoughtfully before noticing the still half-full bottle of “Starlight” in his interviewer’s trash can.

“I am.”

As Coca-Cola continues to deny the use of ‘Frosted Fun Cookies’ and ‘No Stuff Fun-REO’s’ in making their “Starlight” flavor, “Dollar General” and “Dollar Tree” stores throughout the country continue to face the problem of how to keep walkways through their businesses clear of the literal flood of years-old, stale, one dollar treats now pouring into their stores continuously with every single truck delivery from their suppliers.

At the time of reporting, President of “Family Dollar”, Buck Quarters, had devised a potential solution for his own company, at least. By relabeling all ‘Flashy Family Cooksters’ and other similar products as “baby formula”, he sold every single package in every store overnight for $10 a pop, making enough profit to singe off his taste buds with lasers so he could never even theoretically taste a Coca-Cola Starlight again.

“It was worth it.” was the only reply he gave to “The Eye of Zatara” when requested for comment.

“The Eye of Zatara” has yet to investigate rumors from the southern border of newborns being fed these ‘Flashy Family Cooksters’ after Family Dollar’s new ‘baby formula’ was purchased en masse by the Biden administration and given to them.

[SATIRE] Biden Accepts Newest Challenge from Vladimir Putin – “Lightsaber Duel” in Place of Televised Debate

(Original Post: March 22, 2021)

Imperial Palace, Coruscant – Preparations are being hastily made for what is being called a “Duel of the Fates” as Vladimir Putin, President of Russia, escalated his previous challenge to Joe Biden for a televised debate, now requesting a Jedi lightsaber duel in the heart of the Imperial Palace on planet Coruscant, a request which U.S. President Biden has, surprisingly, accepted.

Leaving a spaceport in Moscow clothed entirely in black robes, Vladimir Putin, also known as “Darth Sykkle”, activated the hyperdrive on his small Imperial model shuttlecraft to take him to the Palace on Coruscant ahead of Biden, to await him, lightsaber in hand, ready to show all of America the power of the Communist “red side” of the Force.

It is unclear what the outcome of this battle will be, but video footage supposedly of the battle itself was delivered to the “Eye of Zatara” by an old man in a Hoveround muttering about Benjamin Franklin. The following unconfirmed information is the record of the battle.

“Listen, Buddy, if you wanna… You’re… You’re a knucklehead, you know that? I could… I could kick your one Force pony into next week! You hear me?” President Biden muttered to a house plant hanging on the wall along one side of the duelists’ ring in the heart of the Imperial Palace.

“Mr. Biden, I know you are busy, but, before I cut you down, there is something you must know…” Darth Sykkle smiled beneath the black Sith hood of his robes, igniting the crimson blade of his silver-hilted energy sword.

“Look, if you’re about to say you’re my father, you’re a heck of a lot older than you look.”

“No…” Vladimir Putin answered with an insidious cackle. “I am… CORN POP’S father. I am the reason he went down the wrong path, and threatened you at that pool you used to work at.”

Hearing this, U.S. President Biden’s expression changed in an instant, the once frail-looking leader standing up tall and facing Darth Sykkle with a ferocious look of knowing determination as he activated his own “Luigi Green” colored lightsaber and raised it in challenge like a master fencer’s rapier towards the face of the corrupted Russian dictator.

“Not good enough.” Putin laughed as he waved his hand at Biden, striking him with a burst of Force energy and throwing him down the staircase located directly behind him on the dueling platform. “And, by the way, that’s the SECOND time I’ve thrown you down a staircase with the Force in the last week, Mr. President!”

Putin laughed maniacally, as Biden collapsed pathetically on the staircase.

“It’s over…” Putin smiled as he walked to the top of the staircase and stared down at the once again confused and befuddled American leader.

“It is NOT.” Another voice chimed in from the shadows, as a new weapon activated behind Darth Sykkle, revealing the face of a black and red armored Kamala Harris holding a large, shuriken-like, four-bladed lightsaber ring, each blade on the weapon a shade of red matching exactly the color of freshly spilt blood.

“What?” Putin raised an eyebrow in confusion, turning around to face his new challenger.

“It is said with Sith there are always two – a Master and an Apprentice. This is true.” Vice President Harris showed but the tiniest hint of a smirk as she threw her strange lightsaber at Putin in a blur too fast for his eyes to even track, cutting him down in a single slashing movement without giving him so much as a chance to defend himself against her. “You made the mistake of challenging the Apprentice. Now you fall before the Master…”

“And you have made the same mistake…” another voice echoed in the old duelists’ arena, an odd, unnaturally-colored, orange-skinned right hand reaching down to retrieve the still glowing red lightsaber from the injured Putin’s grasp, a “Luigi Green” saber already shining in his left. “You have slain MY Apprentice – one I picked on the Russia version of my show, The Apprentice. Now, thanks to that, once I finish you, I will control Vanuatu, the United States, Coruscant, AND Russia. Then, I will make the whole GALAXY great again!”

The strange orange alien with a fuzzy, hair-like growth on his head chuckled, wrapped head-to-toe in a red cloak made out of “MAGA” hats overlaid on an awkwardly-drawn American flag with the incorrect number of stars and stripes on it.

“Kamala… or, should I say… Darth Ka-Maula…” former President Trump smiled in the light of his two stolen lightsabers, glowing bright in each of his hands from the fallen Apprentices of the two Dark Lords now facing off against one another at last. “Winning is literally my thing. What chance do you think you have against someone like me?”

“Winning may be something you excel at…” the Vice President spoke calmly, using the Force to bring her lightsaber ring weapon back into hand. “But, if I recall correctly, the only time someone stopped you from winning… it was an election, it was last year, and it was ME.”

Trump’s eyes filled with fury, but he said nothing to his confident opponent.

“What’s wrong? Nothing to say without Twitter to hide behind?” Kamala mocked, raising her weapon in challenge to the 45th President.

“I’m going to beat you so bad even a Dominion voting machine can’t put you back together again…” Trump smiled, charging at Kamala as the two clashed blades in an epic cascade of sparking flashes of light.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the background, a third figure watched over the battle, interlacing her fingers and smiling silently to herself, cloaked in a shadow of the Force so thick that even the Dark Lords clashing before her had no idea she was even there at all.

“Excellent…” Kathleen Kennedy smiled over the battle as Kamala and Trump battled evenly against one another in a tremendous display of swordsmanship and skill. “I’m not sure which of the two of them will win in the end. But, whichever one does… I will make them MY new apprentice…”

A cold chill filled the hearts of everyone in the galaxy.

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] Biden Addresses Crisis at Border – “Sky Wall” to Be Built on Northern Border to Keep Out Canadian Geese

(Original Post: March 16, 2021)

Derby Line, Vermont – Citizens on the Canadian border town of Derby Line, Vermont celebrated today as the Biden administration announced plans to begin construction on a new “Sky Wall” to help keep Canadian Geese from flying freely into our country.

“The racist right would like you to focus only on immigration across our Southern border,” Press Secretary Jen Psaki explained to reporters gathered in the White House press briefing room this morning. “Our new Pokéball initiatve helps address this problem, but the time has come to circle back to our Canadian border. Geese swarming unchecked into our country are stealing the bread from old ladies that American ducks would otherwise receive. How are these ducks supposed to feed their families?”

“I am happy to announce today,” President Biden elaborated, in a small video statement he made in-between “Afternoon Naptime #1” and “Afternoon Naptime #2” on his schedule, “That included in the recently signed COVID relief bill are funds to build the ‘Sky Wall’ needed to protect American interests on the Canadian border. This will consist of an electrified chain link fence covering nearly 6,000 miles of border equipped with motion detection speakers that quack out ‘Keep Out, Aye!’ in goose honks to any approaching Canadian immigrants. The fence will be over 10,000 feet high and will include solar panels made by our good friends in China to power the speakers. End of statement. You can stop reading the teleprompter, Joe. It just went blank. Wait, who… What… Where am I again?”

“There were many on the right and on the left who criticized the Obama administration for not addressing Canadian Goose immigration when they passed the Avian Affordable Care Act in 2010, the bill which promised free moldy bread pieces and discounted health insurance to annoying pond birds in certain low income brackets who qualify,” explained Vice President Harris in a brief sit-down interview with Timothy Gibbings from SLNC News. “The Harris Administration has now done what the Obama Administration was afraid to, constructing a glorious new ‘Sky Wall’ to guard our nation’s children from being woken up at 3 in the morning by loud obnoxious goose honking noises. We have also issued 1400 lb. stimulus breads to American ducks that have been effected by the ongoing Canadian Goose immigration crisis to help them recover financially from previous administrations’ lack of follow-through.”

“My concern is what will be done with the Canadian Geese who are already here.” Senator Ted Cruz tweeted from inside a Pokéball in Carrizo Springs, Texas. “It’s not like they’re simply going to fly south to another country or something in six months. They’re a part of the economy now. Are we going to offer them a pathway to citizenship, or are we going to round them up with some kind of Goose Nets and throw them back into Canada?”

Ted Cruz clarified his position with a following tweet.

“Personally, I hope we use the Goose Nets.”

[SATIRE] Biden Administration Offers “Pokéballs” as Solution to Migrant Housing Facilities

[March 4, 2021]

Washington, D.C. – Facing backlash for increasing the number of “kids in cages” since he took office, U.S. President Joe Biden, along with Satoshi Tajiri, the President of the Japanese video game company “Game Freak”, has announced a new solution to temporarily housing migrant children separated from their parents after crossing the southern border – storing these children electronically as data in small red and white capsule devices known as “Pokéballs”.

“While originally designed for containing elemental monsters such as the electric mouse, Pikachu, or winged fire lizard, Charizard,” Tajiri explained in an interview earlier this morning, “our recently invented real life versions of Pokéballs are as equally good at converting human beings into energy and storing them electronically as they are Pokémon, especially since Pokémon don’t exist yet.”

“No longer will we continue the Trump tradition of putting children in cages!” Biden declared triumphantly to a small gaggle of reporters later in the afternoon. “Instead, we will store children in Pokéballs, and put the Pokéballs in the cages! Win, win!”

“Building Pokéballs just to contain children. That’s sad.” former U.S. President Donald Trump shook his head, during a brief conversation on the topic with CBC News reporter Michael Hamden today. “That money could go to better things. Greater things. American things. Like more cages. Children love cages. They’re like little hotels to them. Stick a tiny TV in there, and they’re good for weeks at a time. I usually have the TVs play ‘The Apprentice’ on loop. Don’t want to risk them watching CNN and getting brainwashed by fake news, after all.”

“Kids love Pokémon.” Biden shrugged, when asked how he came up with the idea for the new policy, while sitting down in the prison that is his portion of the White House, with SLNC News Reporter, Timothy Gibbings, while Kamala Harris stood watch outside to make sure the U.S. President didn’t try to sneak out the window again today. “So, I figure, why not treat kids LIKE Pokémon. I’m told they’ll be computer files while in the Pokéballs, so they won’t remember a thing anyway. Not even my hairy legs.”

“When will you begin implementation of the new policy?” Mr. Gibbings asked, trying to get the President’s attention away from a game of Mario Kart he was getting rather involved in on his White House Nintendo Switch.

“Huh? What? Oh, we have already!” the President announced with a smile, before firing a series of red turtle shells at an online player by the name of “BarackYourWorld” but somehow missing with all of them. “The good thing about Pokéballs, I’m told, is you can carry them on a belt on your waist. If you hit something with them, the Pokéball automatically opens to catch them, converting them into computer whatsit. I had a bunch of Border Patrol guys hang around the Alamo and throw Pokéballs at every kid they could see. Caught a bunch of them already! Sent them straight to Carrizo Springs…”

“The Alamo’s not on the border. It’s more of a tourist haven for Americans.” Mr. Gibbings raised an eyebrow at the President.

“Oh…” Biden cocked his head funny, before focusing back on his game of Mario Kart. “That explains all the phone calls I got today.”

Deployment of the new devices at the Alamo aside, many Americans on both sides of the aisle have shown approval of the new policy of storing kids as computer information inside small spherical devices of dubious technology rather than keep them in what were called during Trump’s presidency “cages” but which are now being called “migrant facilities”. However, several prominent voices, both Democrat and Republic alike, have been vocal in their criticism of the new policy.

“Using Pokéballs to corral immigrating children without also giving them at least a $24 minimum wage while in the Pokéballs is a compromise, a deep one.” said Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez shortly before the printing of this article. “I am utterly embarrassed we are even having this conversation about storing children in computerized devices based on Nintendo video games without at least a $24 minimum wage for them also being discussed. Also, I was nearly killed by a Pokéball thrown at me by Ted Cruz last week, so, frankly, I’m not big on supporting such Conservative-friendly technology to begin with.”

“You know good and well I was in Cancun last week.” Ted Cruz replied in a quick social media livestream to Ocasio-Cortez. “My wife said, ‘Ted, it’s your turn to take the trash out tonight, isn’t it?’ and, bam, before she knew it, Cancun. I flew back later that night, but, when I got home, the temperature was below 100, which is very low for Texas, so I hopped right back on my private jet, and flew down to Mexico again. I’d probably be down there right now, honestly, but I stopped in San Antonio to spend some time admiring how beautiful the Alamo is this time of year. Wait, what is that strange man throwing at me? Some kind of… red and white baseball?”

After that, Ted Cruz’s feed cut out.

Despite objections from some on both sides about his Pokéball policy, President Biden is moving forward with immediate implementation of the sweeping changes, equipping every Border Patrol agent and some police officers named Jenny with a full belt of Pokéballs to be used to contain those that would otherwise be thrown into “migrant facilities”.

Those already in facilities are being given the option to stay in their current lodgings, or move into a Pokéball. Sources close to the “Eye of Zatara” have revealed, however, that most have chosen to abandon reality for Pokéballs after their TVs that previously played “The Apprentice” on loop have been switched to playing The CW’s “Batwoman” instead.

[SATIRE] Biden to Keep “Space Force”, Also Announces “MySpace Force” to Guard Americans Against “AOL Chat Rooms”

[February 23, 2020]

Washington, D.C. – In an unexpected announcement, U.S. President Joe Biden revealed in a press conference this morning that not only will he be continuing to add the “Space Force” to the U.S. armed forces, as initiated by the Trump administration, but will also be adding another new military branch known as the “MySpace Force”, in order to combat “misinformation” and “foreign government interference” targeting the population through “hip, new” social media outlets like “MySpace” and “AOL chat rooms”.

“In the digital age, we have to fight our enemies on the field of technology.” the President explained, while clearly reading what he was saying off of notes scribbled on the inside of his right hand with blue pen. “And so, to prevent foreign… wait, what does that say? Horse? Worse?”

“That’s ‘Wars’…” the Vice President leaned in and whispered into the 46th President’s ear.

“Bratwurst? No, thank you, I’m not hungry.” Biden continued, now abandoning his script entirely. “Ok, listen, People, we gotta band together to protect our folks in the red, white, and blue from Commie bullies using Yahoo! search engines and LiveJournals to target our kids. To that end, the MySpace Force will be established to train digital soldiers to fight… What was I saying again? Where am I? Wait, no, get away, Kamala, I remember. To fight the wars of the future on popular social media platforms like Myface, Spacebook, YouChat, and SnapTube. It’s for the children, gosh darn it!

While most reporters simply bowed at the President’s feet in awe in response to his historic announcement, one asking him what flavor of ice cream he thinks will be the favorite of soldiers in the MySpace Force, intern reporter Michael Hamden, Jr. from CBC News was not so elated.

“Wait, is this in addition to the ‘Voltron Force’ you said would be joining the Space Force last week?” Hamden Jr. asked, as the the President leaned down to respectfully sniff the hair of each reporter gathered at his feet one at a time. “The one that you said would be building ‘multi-colored lion-shaped robots’ that can combine together to form ‘Voltron, Defender of the Universe’ and fight Russians with its ‘Lion Torches’ and ‘Blazing Sword’? Also, isn’t that all from a cartoon from the 80’s?”

“Clearly, the President was joking about the Voltron Force…” Vice President Harris replied, stepping quickly up to the press conference podium to glare down the inexperienced CBC News reporter.

“Wait, I said that?” Biden chimed in unexpectedly. “That sounds like a great idea! Let’s do that instead, Kamala!”

“No, Joe, you don’t mean that…” the Vice President placed a firm hand on the President’s shoulder, increasing the pressure with a smile.

“Ow, not again! My leg! You’re breaking my leg!” Biden shouted, while flailing his arms frantically. “Somebody, call Corn Pop! I need back-up!”

“What the President means is that in addition to fixing the ‘Space Force’ debacle left to us by the criminal administration that preceded us,” the Vice President spoke to Hamden, Jr. calmly, but in a tone that scared him to the very core of his being, “We will also be investigating social media’s influence on our elections, especially as used by foreign powers to brainwash potential voters into believing things about our candidates and elections that are simply not true. That is what the President means by a ‘MySpace Force’, as he calls it. What quaint euphemisms he speaks in, doesn’t he? We are not, of course, making this a branch of the armed forces. That would be silly.”

“…we’re not?” the Vice President asked, trying unsuccessfully to sniff the Vice President’s hair while being held by her grip on his shoulder.

“No.”

As talking heads on American news networks fiercely debated the idea of adding a “MySpace Force” to the armed services, or to the U.S. government in general, former U.S. President Donald Trump announced he would be adding a “Space Force”, a “MySpace Force”, AND a “Voltron Force” to the military of the country of Vanuatu, which he is now the allegedly elected leader of.

“Joe wants to do good things for the country. I could believe that. But his Vice President won’t let him. So sad.” Donald Trump explained to SLNC News’ chief reporter, Timothy Gibbings, a few hours ago from Vanuatu’s capital of Port Vila. “But I’m President of Vanuatu now, and we’re going to ‘Make Oceania Great Again.’ How can we make Oceania great again? By controlling space, controlling social media, and also by creating lion-shaped robots to guard our wonderful Vanuatu oceans from liberals and terrorists – which are the same thing, by the way – in fact, it was just this morning that I was talking to the former President of Vanuatu before me who is now my butler, and I said ‘Moses, how can we make the world a safer place?’ And after crying about losing to me ‘unconstitutionally’ in an ‘election that didn’t happen’, he said something about hoping I was eaten by wild animals, and it hit me… we won’t just make lion robots to guard the oceans around Vanuatu – we’ll make tiger robots, too! Everyone knows that tigers can beat lions in a fight, hands down. They’re winners. Like me. Our lion and tiger robots will be better than anything that any President of Vanuatu OR the United States has made before me. I guarantee it.”

President Biden was scheduled to appear in a follow-up press conference on the ‘MySpace Force” later this evening, but it has been postponed indefinitely due to the President being “all tied up today”. Some visitors to the White House around this time reported hearing “Let me out, Kamala!” ringing through the halls near the residence portion of the mansion, but their Twitter accounts were banned when they tried to post about it.

[SATIRE] Donald Trump Elected President of Vanuatu, According to Trump – Vanuatu People Respond “Please Send Help”

[February 15, 2021]

Port Vila, Vanuatu – In what is being described by him as a “landslide” victory, Donald J. Trump, the former 45th President of the United States of America, has apparently been elected the newly seated President of the small pacific island nation of Vanuatu effective immediately, according to Donald Trump himself and no other sources.

“Yeah that thing in the U.S. didn’t go so well. So sad. But I’m a winner.” Donald Trump explained to CBC News reporter Michael Hamden, apparently on vacation in the remote island nation when the story broke. “I won the 2016 U.S. Presidential election. I won the 2020 U.S. Presidential election. And now I won the 2021 Vanuatu Presidential election. Good for Vanuatu! Now, we can make America great again… but in Vanuatu!”

When asked if he was surprised about the results of the Vanuatu election, sitting Prime Minister of the Parliament in Vanuatu, Bob Loughman, replied, “Very. We only hold elections for President here in our country every 5 years, and the last President took office in 2017. Not only that, but Presidents are elected by Parliament and the Presidents of Regional Councils, not by direct ballot of the people. I’m not sure how Donald Trump got elected exactly.”

Now former Vanuatu President Tallis Obed Moses also weighed in, saying “This is worse than the time that Survivor filmed here.” and “Someone, please send help!”

“That’s fake news!” Donald Trump responded, when asked about the details of the election by CBC News later that day. “CNN wants you to think there is a sitting President here in Vanuatu that I am ‘overthrowing’ in some kind of ‘insurrection’, but the people of Vanuatu have spoken. I am their newly elected President, and will be building a golden throne here in the… whatever Vanuatu has for a White House… with which to rule their good people. Fine people. The best, in fact. That’s why they voted for me!”

Correspondents for internet news site “NowNews” reached out for comment to former Vice President of the United States, Mike Pence, who replaced the Welch’s Grape Juice company as second in command of the nation in the first year of #45’s four year term, to which Mr. Pence replied, “By the grace of glorious heaven, what has he done? That man must be stopped!”

Democratic Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, has already announced piles to file… another… impeachment charge against Donald Trump for his actions in Vanuatu, causing her colleagues to explain to the 79 year old Speaker that the Constitution has no provision for “impeaching” the politician of another country, even if they once held citizenship and office in the United States, to which the Madam Speaker replied, “What? Constitution? What is this, Dungeons and Dragons? I don’t care about Constitution. This is the rule of law we’re talking about!”

All in all, despite several popular hashtags trending on Twitter such as #freevanuatu, #sendhelp, #comegettrump, and #whereisvanuatu, many of the people of Vanuatu themselves seem to have begrudgingly accepted Trump as their new allegedly-elected President.

“President Trump has promised to film a new season of ‘The Apprentice’ here in Vanuatu, which will create many jobs. He is also working on building a wall around Vanuatu to protect us from illegal immigrants which he assures us will be coming across… the ocean… to steal our existing jobs any day now.” one citizen explained to CBC News Reporter Michael Hamden later this evening.

U.S. President Joe Biden was asked about the situation in Vanuatu, but appeared not to understand the question.

“I tell you what, when I was growing up, I had a friend from Vanuatu. Mackey B., we called him. Now Mackey B. was a cool guy, but you didn’t want to cross him. He would fight… errr… I would… well… One time, he fought for me against some bullies, but those bullies followed him back to his house and stood around outside waving sticks and rattling the fences saying ‘Come on out, Mackey B. We’re going to get you.’ But back then, you see… we had these cars called Cadillacs and I had one of those, a nice one!”

President Biden’s answer to the question apparently continued on from this point, but no reporter was able to stand waiting in the room long enough to hear the rest of the gibberish.

[SATIRE] Obama Admits to Wiretapping Trump Tower, But Only to Record Inbound Prank Calls to Trump

(Original Post: March 6, 2017)

Washington, D.C. – Capitol Hill is in a stir today as seemingly unsubstantiated claims by President Trump over the weekend that Trump Tower had been wiretapped by agents in the Obama administration during his run for Presidency have apparently been confirmed by former President Obama, but with a strange caveat. Apparently, the only calls wiretapped from Trump Tower were inbound prank calls made by Obama officials to Donald Trump they wanted to “post to YouTube someday” because “[they’re] freaking hilarious”.

“Yeah, we’re sorry about not getting a warrant or anything, but, Man, once you hear the prank calls, you’re going to be laughing so much, you aren’t even going to care!” President Obama explained to veteran CBC News reporter, Michael Hamden, in a quick interview at Martha’s Vineyard yesterday. “Me and Joe were rolling on the floor laughing so loud the Secret Service rushed in, thinking we’d been attacked or something. Sorry, agents Jackson and Carlisle, even the Leader of the Free World can’t always stop the funny from spilling out.”

While sources close to Donald Trump were apparently very skeptical of the Obama administration’s admissions, at first, continuing to stick by their unprecedented claim that all calls to and from Trump Tower had been wiretapped by President Obama, not just those related to prank calls (despite failing to offer even a single shred of hard evidence to support their assertion), Vice President Joe Biden has apparently stepped in to defend President Obama’s claims, leaking several of the former Commander-in-Chief’s wiretapped calls to the SLNC News Network, which aired them this morning during their 6 am news program, “Silence and Friends”. Since then, transcripted copies of the calls have been provided to a variety of media sources, including “The Eye of Zatara”. Several of the transcripted calls are included, word for word, below:

(October 10th)
[OBAMA]: “Hey, is this Trump Tower?”
[TRUMP]: “Um, yeah, this is Donald Trump. Can I help you with something? Chop, chop, I’m in a hurry today. Lots of things to do in my pink work bathrobe, you know.”
[OBAMA]: [Laughing in the Background.] Yeah, this is, um… Brett O’Connor from the EPA. We just wanna see if your refrigerators are running there in Trump Tower?”
[TRUMP]: “What? Are you serious? Of course they are. How else would we make the best taco bowls, like we do at Trump Tower Grill?”
[OBAMA]: [More Laughing in the Background.] (Whispered) “Here, Joe, you do the punchline. You do it better.”
[BIDEN] “Um, ok, yes, this is Brett O’Connor again. So, the refrigerators ARE running? Ok, well, um, good job destroying the environment, you electricity-guzzling, coal-loving Republican teabagger!” [Loud phone-slamming sound as call is abruptly disconnected.]
[TRUMP]: “What the… (Censored)? [Call disconnects.]”

***
(November 1st)
[BIDEN]: “Um, yes, this is Moe Griden from the FBI. We’re looking into the disappearance of a one Prince Albert from, um… the nation of Albertistan? We heard you have him in a can somewhere in Trump Tower – is that true?”
[PELOSI]: (Whispered from Background.) Hey, let me do this one here. Here, give me the phone. I can take it over from here.
[TRUMP]: “What’s that? Is this Melania? Honey, I told you to stop the drinking. You don’t make any sense when you drink.”
[PELOSI]: (Whispered) Trust me. I’ve got this. (Normal Volume.) “Well, you better go catch him! Oh, crap, I think I messed it up.” [Call disconnects.]

***
(December 11th)
[OBAMA]: “Hey, is this Trump Tower? Is your refrigerator still running?”
[TRUMP]: “Oh, not this again. Look, I’ve got Flynn and Putin on the other line in a Conference Call, can we do this another time already?”
[OBAMA]: “(Censored) You!” [Loud phone-slamming sound as call is abruptly disconnected.]
[TRUMP]: “YOU’RE FIRED! YOU HEAR ME? WHOEVER YOU ARE, WHEREVER YOU ARE, YOU ARE FIRED! EVEN IF I HAVE TO SPEND MY WHOLE FORTUNE DOING IT, I’M GOING TO TRACK WHOEVER YOU ARE DOWN, BUY WHATEVER COMPANY YOU BELONG, AND MAKE ABSOLUTELY SURE YOU DON’T HAVE A JOB THIS TIME NEXT MONTH. YOU HEAR ME, YOU LITTLE PUNK? YOU CROSSED THE WRONG LOUD, MEGALOMANIACALLY-MINDED MILLIONAIRE! DECEMBER IS GOING TO BE YOUR LAST FULL MONTH OF EMPLOYMENT IN THIS COUNTRY… OR ANYWHERE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER!” [Call disconnects.]

“To be fair, he kind of followed through with that threat.” Joe Biden added, in an interview with SLNC News’ Timothy Gibbings earlier today, after the above audio clip was played on Gibbings’ news show, “Racquetball with Timothy Gibbings”, that airs five times a day on SLNC News’ failing left-leaning television network. “I still don’t think he realized who it was that had been calling him until I left my YouTube channel open on Barack’s computer on our way out of the White House in January. Right now, the video’s still set to Private, so he wouldn’t have found it otherwise.”

“Wait, you mean, you’ve already technically posted all this to YouTube?” Timothy Gibbings asked, his eyebrow raising sharply as a clear indication of either shock or stroke.

“Yeah, what’s wrong with that?” Joe asked, somewhat confused, while eating a $70 steak out of his famed Vice Presidential lunch pail right in front of the semi-popular SLNC news anchor. “How else am I going to get Subscribers?”

“Um… well… that’s um… interesting. Very, um… wow. Ok, let me ask you a more sane question, then, if I could, Mister Former Vice President.” Timothy Gibbings stuttered helplessly aloud, knowing his liberal producer wouldn’t allow him to say anything negative towards their decidedly liberal guest despite the overwhelmingly disturbing nature of his last comment, and awkwardly trying to move the interview in another direction as quickly as possible. “Did you and Barack ever wiretap anyone else while making prank calls on them like you did Candidate Trump?”

“Not that I can think of.” Former Vice President Biden answered rather quickly. “Oh, wait, Hillary once, too, but that didn’t work out too well…”

“What do you mean?” Timothy Gibbings pressed the former VP for more details.

“Well, I altered my voice a little and she kind of thought the one prank calling her was this kid who used to work for her as an intern. Jason Heeney or something.” Biden admitted, somewhat sheepishly, a little less amused by this prank than those he had made against then candidate and President-Elect Donald Trump. “The Missing Persons case was officially closed a few weeks ago, I think. The police never did figure out what happened to that boy.”

“I, um… I… I see!” Timothy Gibbings chuckled and swallowed hard, loosening his collar as his show’s producer began to glare at him angrily from the other side of SLNC News Studio 12. “And, with that, I think it’s time for a commercial break. Yes, definitely time for a break. Don’t you agree, folks?”

Racquetball with Timothy Gibbings then concluded their advertsied hour long interview with Joe Biden 30 minutes early, playing a short 10 minute compilation called “The Best of Timothy Gibbings” three more times to fill dead air after returning from an impromptu commercial in the middle of the SLNC News host’s discussion with the former Vice President of the United States about his prank calls on Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.

Faced with the new information that has come out about the very limited Obama wiretaps of Trump Tower, most senior Trump officials have now announced they are no longer pursuing this matter, but would appreciate if former Vice President Joe Biden would at least delete the relevant videos from his YouTube channel rather than opening them to public view, even for “Subscribers”. President Trump himself, however, has only buckled down on his original claim since these facts came to light, now insisting that every phone call he made from any device or location since he first joined the Presidential race was monitored and/or recorded by the Obama administration, and, furthermore, that the refrigerators in Trump Tower have very low energy usage, and, thus, are not destroying the environment as insinuated by President Obama during his prank call on Trump Tower early last October.

“The Eye of Zatara” attempted to reach out to Spokesman for the President, Sean Spicer, for further comment on this story from the White House, but he did not immediately return our calls. According to Internet news blog, NowNews, Mr. Spicer was busy today visiting a Washington, D.C. area doctor for a last minute appointment seeking a prescription for high blood pressure medication, or, alternatively, just a friendly shoulder for him to cry on, but these reports, however likely they may be, are currently unsubstantiated.