Tag: Marvel

[REVIEW] “Spider-Man: No Way Home”

By: “The Watchman”

In an infinite multiverse where all things that can happen, do happen, what are the odds that “Spiderman: No Way Home” can live up to the hype? How can a single Spiderman movie possibly hold up to the heavy expectations laid upon it by Marvel fans? If Doctor Strange looked into 14,000,605 possible outcomes for this movie with the Time Stone, only one would be truly satisfying. Fortunately, we live in the universe with that one. “Spiderman: No Way Home” is great!

[MOSTLY SPOILER FREE REVIEW]

Following the cliffhanger ending of the last Tom Holland Spiderman movie in which Mysterio reveals the identity of Spiderman to the entire world, Peter Parker finds it difficult to live a normal life and seeks the help of Doctor Strange to set things right. This ultimately leads to a break in the multiverse itself, causing Spiderman villains from the other Sony Spiderman movieverses to slip into Tom Holland’s reality and attack him. Doctor Octopus from Tobey McGuire’s Spiderman 2 is the first to appear, leading to a chaotic romp throughout the now multiversally-mingled MCU that only further complicates Peter’s already very complicated life as a publically-identified superhero.

Not only does this movie feature multiple villains from previous Spiderman movies, the original actors themselves returning to play many of the parts, but it features the usual cast of characters from the Tom Holland MCU Spiderverse including his best friend Ned, his girlfriend M.J., and other MCU staples like Doctor Strange. The movie is a wonderful mix of intriguing life dilemma and intense super-powered action, a train ride of excellence that never stops all the way until the final moments of the movie, throwing out constant surprises to delight the geeky Spiderman fan in your life mixed with an ample dose of true human courage and heart.

The theme of your actions having consequences is played very heavily in this movie, and it is handled in a very adult and mature way. Not everything has a happy ending. Sometimes things go bad no matter how much you want them to go right, and no matter how honest and true your intentions were at the start. None the less, “With great power, comes great responsibility.” as Uncle Ben’s memory always reminds us, and Tom Holland’s Spiderman is now powerful enough to have to take responsibility for his actions as a superhero, even with the entire world breathing down his neck and criticizing him every step of the way.

It’s hard to talk too much about this movie without giving out significant spoilers, so, let me just say, there are some incredibly awesome things that happen in this movie that I don’t want to spoil for you. You definitely need to see this one for yourself, if you have watched any Spiderman movies in the last decade, and especially if you have seen the last MCU Spiderman movie, “Far from Home”. Watching Tom Holland’s Spiderman fight old fan-favorite villains like Alfred Molina’s vicious Doctor Octopus from Spiderman 2 is genuinely enjoyable, made more complicated by the Daily Bugle videotaping everything Spiderman does in another version of J. Jonah Jameson’s familiar crusade against masked vigilantes.

In the end, “Spiderman: No Way Home” is a lesson about choice and responsibility, and about what it means to be a hero in a world where doing the right thing can be very costly and difficult. While choosing to be fun and light-hearted whenever possible in true Marvel style, it still refuses to shy away from tough issues – it refuses to sunshine over every frowny face in the world with a spray paint can of distracting action and humor. No, in true comic book hero fashion, the movie courageously battles these issues directly, fighting them like Spiderman does his own menagerie of villains. What conclusion does Tom Holland’s Spiderman come to at the end of all of this, shall we say, multiversal madness? Well, I’m afraid you’ll have to watch the movie for yourself to find that out! (This is a mostly spoiler free review, after all!) I HIGHLY recommend you see it at your next opportunity if movies like this are even REMOTELY on your radar. And, if you’ve only seen it once, I’d even recommend you see it again, or buy the DVD and watch it. The movie really is just that good.

Final score for “Spiderman: No Way Home” is a very impressive 9/10, one short web swing away from total perfection, a very successful attempt at creating a thoroughly enjoyable outing for our friendly neighborhood Spiderman.

Final Score: 9/10
“One of the best MCU movies to date, filled with nostalgia for returning Spiderman fans, and enough true, unfiltered character and heart to make forever Spiderman fans out of everyone else. Listen to your friends who have seen it! Don’t miss out on this one!!!”

[SATIRE] Donald Trump Boycotts “The Falcon and the Winter Soldier” – Says MCU Should Focus on “Making Captain America Great Again”

(Original Post: March 26, 2021)

Port Vila, Vanuatu – According to an exclusive report obtained by senior investigator for CBC News, Michael Hamden, former U.S. President Donald Trump has officially boycotted the new Disney+ original series, “The Falcon and the Winter Soldier”, claiming Disney should instead focus on “Making Captain America Great Again” by creating a new series starring the MCU’s Captain America, Steve Rogers, as portrayed by actor Chris Evans.

“The Falcon and the Winter Soldier are side characters.  Losers!” Donald Trump explained, while relaxing on the golden throne he built in a mansion in the heart of the small Pacific island nation of Vanuatu, as Hamden interviewed him.  “Disney should focus on winners, like the original Avengers, and especially, my favorite Avenger, Captain America.  You know when I was a kid, I had a solid gold Captain America action figure my parents bought for me?  I used to play with it all day, until a reporter from CNN came over to my house and stole it from me because he hates America.”

“I think we’re getting a little off topic…” Hamden interjected, scratching his head as he tried to make sense of the notes he had written down thus far.

“Yes, of course, like I was saying, the Falcon can fly.  So what?  I have five gold-plated private jets that I can fly in whenever I want.  That doesn’t make me a superhero.  I AM a superhero, but it isn’t only because I can fly.” Donald Trump explained, while eating a Taco Bowl flown over to him from the cafeteria in Trump Tower using one of his aforementioned golden jets, a little cheese spilling from the Taco Bowl on the orange-colored ‘Trump Man’ costume he was wearing.  “And the Winter Soldier?  Some guy with a rough life who fights with a metal arm?  Boo hoo, I had a rough life too! I mean, come on, Superman would have a field day with this joker.  I think even Joe Biden could beat him in a fight, and he lost to Vladimir Putin a few days ago after falling down some stairs again!”

“So, you’re boycotting the series?” Mr. Hamden jumped in, trying to keep Donald Trump on topic.  “And I assume you’re encouraging your followers both here and in the United States to do the same?”

“Of course!  Honestly, I had a great Twitter post all planned out to really ‘rally the troops’, so to speak, and put a little fire under the Disney CEO’s feet.  But, then, I remembered that horrible thing that happened when all those Unamerican liberals at Twitter got scared and decided to ban me.” Donald Trump continued, holding out his phone to show the inappropriate Tweet he had all typed out in his Twitter app that refused to post even after multiple presses of the “Submit” button.  “Obviously, Twitter’s in bed with Disney, just like they are with the Dominion voting machines.  So sad!  Just wait until I start my own social media company.  I’d like to see them try to ban me from that!  They can’t – in fact, I’ll ban them!  Twice, even!”

As Donald Trump’s interview with Michael Hamden continued on for… quite some time… after this point, Jeremy Renner, the actor who plays Avengers character “Hawkeye” in the MCU, shared some harsh words of his own about the new Disney+ series in a quick sitdown interview with SLNC News’ Timothy Gibbings in Los Angeles.

“Look, HAWK-Eye.  It’s in my name.  I’m supposed to be the main bird-themed hero in the Marvel Cinematic Universe!” Renner ranted angrily, fiddling dangerously with an actual working longbow in his hand that was aimed just to the left of Timothy Gibbings.  “DC has Hawk-MAN, and Marvel has Hawk-EYE.  I’m Hawk-EYE.  Where’d this Falcon guy even come from?  Some side character from one of the Captain America movies?  I fought in New York against the Chitauri!  I’m one of the original Avengers, for Stark’s sake!  Now he and Bucky have this fancy new series, and no one’s going to even want to watch my MCU show when it comes out!  Hey, it’s… It’s… It’s still coming out, right?  You haven’t heard anything about that, huh?”

“Um…” Timothy Gibbings paused, watching the longbow pointed extremely close to his left side very carefully.  “Everything’s fine as far as I know…”

Even the Atlanta Falcons seemed annoyed at their name being used for an up-and-coming major MCU hero without their team being involved in the show’s production at all.  Teaming up with the same swarm of actual peregrine falcons that went after the Patriots following the Falcons’ overtime loss to them in Super Bowl LI, they attempted to ambush and abduct series stars Anthony Mackie and Sebastian Stan outside a cast party for the show near a busy Los Angeles intersection only to be overpowered by two working Iron Man suits that Elon Mask had gifted the two actors with after the successful reception of their show by general audiences.

“Look, I don’t care what Donald Trump says, I don’t care what Jeremy Renner says, and I sure as heck don’t care what the Atlanta Patriots have to say about anything after losing to Tom Brady in ’17,” Anthony Mackie said in a brief comment to the Associated Press following the mass falcon attack.  “‘The Falcon and the Winter Soldier’ is a good show.  Maybe even a GREAT show.  And while the idea of making ‘Captain America Great Again’ appeals to me, too… I think the idea of making the entire MCU great again, like it was leading up to Endgame, appeals to me even more!”

Sebastian Stan quietly added a final comment.

“Also, Mephisto, the X-Men, and Galactus all show up in the show’s final episode.” Stan revealed, as fanboys across the Internet exploded simultaneously into multi-colored streamers of confetti, joy, and dreams.  “Just kidding!  Or am I?  Watch our show, and see for yourself!”

A final MCU actor, Benedict Cumberbatch, who plays “Doctor Strange” in the Marvel Cinematic Universe was also asked about “The Falcon and the Winter Soldier” and gave an “on the record” comment this afternoon to a small news service.

“I went forward in time to view alternate futures.  To see all possible television shows I could watch in the next six months.  I saw fourteen million, six hundred and five futures.” he explained to Internet news site, NowNews.

“In how many did you NOT watch ‘The Falcon and the Winter Soldier’?” the online reporter asked.

Benedict Cumberbatch smiled.

“None.”

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] Debate Continues Over Exxon C.E.O. Tillerson – Selection as Secretary of State; Proposal for Superhero Team Known as ‘eXxon-Men’

(Original Post: January 18, 2017)

As the inauguration of 45th United States President, Donald Trump, looms on the horizon but a few days away, debate continues on Capitol Hill about many of the choices made by the President-Elect to fill the seats of his upcoming Cabinet, including his controversial choice to appoint Rex Tillerson, C.E.O. of Exxon Mobil, to the powerful and prestigious post of Secretary of State.  Even after his confirmation hearing last Wednesday, doubts remain for many on both sides of the aisle as to his qualification for the post, including significant bi-partisan concern for his shocking new plan to combat the growing threat posed to global peace by antagonistic nations like Russia by the creation of an elite combat team of oil-altered mutant superheroes known as the “eXxon-Men”, who will directly battle national security threats on a global scale.

“By working with noted psychologist, geneticist, and human rights advocate, Professor Charles Francis Xavier, I have implemented a plan to transform a select group of ‘gifted youngsters’ into a well-rounded superhero fighting team, transformed by contact with experimental derivations of Exxon Mobil product, and wielding powers that no nation on Earth will be able to compete with.” Tillerson explained in an interview with CBC News reporter Michael Hamden yesterday.  “These eXxon Men, even if they are not accepted by some, will prove to the world our American exceptionalism, even if their true names and identities will not be disclosed to the public for fear of personal retaliation against the eXxon Men by their future enemies.”

Despite attempting to retain his journalistic neutrality, Michael Hamden was clearly unnerved by Mr. Tillerson’s proposal, and responded to his bold declaration by asking if there was a specific threat that the Candidate for Secretary of State had in mind when deciding to create a team of super-powered Rogues in the name of national security.

“Magneto.” Mr. Tillerson answered quickly.

“Magneto?” Michael Hamden cocked his head in disbelief.

“I believe you know him as Vladimir Putin, but we in the Trump administration are aware of his true identity.” Mr. Tillerson responded again, with a cocky smile.  “Have you noticed that this man you know as ‘Putin’ never seems to age?  It’s almost as if a shapeshifter had taken his place, and was re-creating him the same way year after year while another shadowy figure pulls the strings from behind the scenes.  As Secretary of State of the United States, I refuse to buy into the Mystique surrounding the President of Russia.”

Following the CBC News interview, other news outlets have sent follow-up questions to Mr. Tillerson regarding his identification of enemies whose otherwise unopposable threat justifies the Havoc that creating a team of teenage oil-mutated superheroes will undoubtedly unleash onto the world of tomorrow.  In a short appearance on Cable news early this morning, Mr. Tillerson shared more of the Sinister threats he imagined would have to stopped, in the end, by his supermutants.

“Shadow King.” Mr. Tillerson explained.  “You may know him as Kim Jong-un.  Have you noticed how similar he is to his father?  It’s almost like his body is just a host, and something more… unnatural… is possessing him, just as it did his father before him.  We in the Trump Administration have named this supernatural astral being the ‘Shadow King’.  Any other questions?”

“Yes, any other enemies you’d care to name today?” the now Jubilant small time morning show host asked Secretary of State Candidate, Rex Tillerson, overjoyed to have someone so prestigious on their humble little broadcast.

“Well, there’s the leadership of Communist China, or as we call them, the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants.” Mr. Tillerson answered.  “We’re also looking into some more local threats for the eXxon-Men to fight.  There was a push to address overweight liberal film maker Michael Moore as ‘The Blob’ in all official Trump administration emails, but some bleeding heart hired by Ivonka shot that one down as ‘offensive’ for whatever reason.  I’ve thrown about the idea of calling David Letterman ‘Sabretooth’, as well, but that’s more for my own personal amusement.”

“I see…” the TV host replied, somewhat confused, before trying to return the conversation to a more serious direction.

When asked if the eXxon-Men would also be equipped to help with war efforts in Iraq and Afghanistan, Mr. Tillerson looked noticeably uncomfortable, before hesitantly commenting that he planned to keep his superhero team out of the “Savage Land” for now, at least until they’re “ready to deal with Sauron’s hypnosis”.

When his multiple interviews revealing information about enemies for the eXxon-Men only seemed to increase rather than decrease the number of questions, concerns, and personal insults received from the press about his eXxon-Men strategy, Tillerson released a final statement just before the publication of this article, and is now refusing to discuss the issue further until his installment as Secretary of State.

“No matter what you or the American people themselves may think of my plan to create the super-powered force known as the eXxon-Men, the truth is that we are in a different world today than we lived in ten years ago.” the statement read, obtained only a few minutes prior by Eye of Zatara sources.  “A vastly different and Marvelous world, but one that threatens to fall like Dominos if we do not embrace the Longshot of creating a superhero team to oppose the Beasts and brutes that threaten its security.  The threats we face are real.  It may seem a bit of a Gambit to oppose these dangers with force, but I believe we can successfully ride the Storms of our current world if use every knight, rook, and Bishop at our disposal to win this global game of chess known as national security.  What choice do we have?  If we simply avert our eyes to the truth, if we ignore our duty as stalwart Sentinels of the American dream and refuse to even try to Forge a better world for our children, there is no future for us but this – but to fall to the fierce, united Phalanx of our enemies and watch the world slowly fall, like a dying Phoenix, into the crimson Hellfire of a then well-deserved Apocalypse.”

Attached to the bottom of Mr. Tillerson’s public statement was a similar sentiment from proposed eXxon-Men leader Charles Xavier, as well as a mugshot from a still unidentified, grey-haired older man wearing shades with a scribbled note at the bottom of his picture that this was his “cameo” and that “the eXxon-Men will return in 2018”.

[SATIRE] Avengers: Age of Voltron [A Belated Review]

(Original Post: November 29, 2016)

While our usual contributor, “The Gatekeeper”, takes a much needed birthday vacation this week, I received an unusual email at our general “Eye of Zatara” business address from a friend of his named Donovan Savage who writes for the “American Sesquipedalian” magazine based out of Luxingfort, KY.  Apparently, he bought a DVD over the weekend, and reviewed a movie he insists upon calling “Avengers: Age of Voltron” which no one at his magazine will publish – most likely since the movie came out in May of 2015.  On the absolute insistence of The Gatekeeper via instant messenger, however, I have decided to post his review here on “The Eye of Zatara” for your perusal.  Be forewarned, though, this Donovan Savage review doesn’t make much more sense than the usual dissociative mutterings of our dear Gatekeeper…

“Avengers: Age of Voltron”
[A Belated Review]
By: Donovan Savage, Contributing Writer and Editor for the “American Sesquipedalian” Magazine, and Luxingfort, KY Resident

Last Friday, I was lounging in my luxurious, pleather Slothboy recliner in my exquisite studio apartment when I decided to slum it with the less privileged by enjoying a DVD lent to me by a less fortunate colleague in the writing business, another one of those incessant Marvel movies that goes by the name of “Avengers: Age of Voltron”.  After refilling my wine glass with a chilled gentlemanly mixture of 2% cow’s milk and genuine Hershey’s chocolate syrup ordered directly from the Hershey plant in Pennsylvania, I sat back as the familiar, rectangular red and white logo of the pretentious Marvel comic book company scrolled across my massive 30″ flatscreen television and the almighty “Avengers” immediately swung into action fighting some sort of Germans who had appeared to have stolen Queen Elizabeth’s glowing blue crystal scepter or something like that.  I’m not sure, I don’t really understand the politics of this Marvel universe.  I think one of the antagonists’ names was “Libra” or “Zebra” or something.  “Hydra” maybe.  No, that can’t be right.  Greek mythology is far beyond the cognitive awareness of those nerdy comic book types at Marvel.  We’ll just stick with “Zebra” for now.  That seems to be a little more on their level.

Anyway, and Spoiler Alert for anyone who hasn’t seen this movie yet, it turns out the Germans had kidnapped some Russian kids and made them into copies of characters from the Marvel “X-Man” universe using the Queen’s royal powers.  Fortunately, Ironing Man, Brigadier General America, Black Willow, the Hunk, Eagle Eye, and Ben-Hur (?), or, referring to them by their real names, Lance, Keith, Princess Allura, Hunk, Pidge, and Sven, overpower the Germans and hold off the Russians, preventing a repeat of World War II, but, rather than returning Queen Elizabeth’s scepter to her, use it to make a giant fighting robot composed of five smaller lion-shaped robots given life by some sort of glowing MacGuffin Stone in the heart of the Queen’s staff.  Without the teamwork and cooperation of five pilots controlling the fighting robot from the inside, however, it goes berserk, and teams up with the Russians to randomly attack things.

Furious at Lance/Ironing Man for making such a decision without consulting his team leader Keith, the Avengers begin to fight and argue amongst themselves, which proves all the more disastrous after Voltron hijacks the planet Arus and plans to drop it, castle and all, directly on the earth, perhaps directed to do so by King Zarkon whom we see briefly after the credits putting on some sort of weird Fallout 4 Power Fist.  Fortunately, the Avengers recover the original MacGuffin Stone from within Queen Elizabeth’s scepter, and use it to create a new Voltron with which to battle the now evil Voltron fighting on behalf of Planet Doom.  Eliciting the help of the same Russians who previously had attempted to kill them, as well as back-up support from the Highwind from Final Fantasy VII piloted by a slimmer interpretation of Barrett Wallace portrayed by Mace Windu from Star Wars, this new seven man Voltron, “Vision Voltron”, I believe they called it, allows the Avengers to defeat the now outdated five man Voltron created by Lance/Ironing Man earlier, saving the day, although a Russian randomly gets killed for some reason at the end.  They then use Voltron’s Lion Torches to incinerate the entire planet Arus before it hits Earth, which seems like overkill, but the Highwind evacuated everyone first, with the aid of some Golden Chocobos, I believe, so to each his own.

Overall, the movie was quite interesting, with a lot of well-executed action scenes, and a variety of unique combat powers for each member of the “Avengers”/Voltron Force that were satisfying to behold, from Ironing Man’s Haggarium Armor and assorted Fallout energy weapons to Eagle Eye’s cosplay replica of the Green Arrow’s bow to Brigadier General America’s… well, ok, so Brigadier General America’s flag-painted hubcap/frisbee golf disc wasn’t all that interesting, but most of the rest of the characters in “Age of Voltron” had extremely unique and complicated abilities that made action scenes feel kinetic and inventive, even while fighting an endless army of Baby Evil Voltrons controlled by the original Voltron… perhaps they were meant to be Robeasts???

I was excited by the new take on the Voltron Force material.  It has been some time since I saw something new and interesting come out of the Beast King GoLion franchise’s American counterparts, perhaps excluding the new Voltron series on Netflix, as I do not watch “streaming” television shows and movies like an uncivilized ape.  Netflix is the “buffet” of the entertainment world.  True gentlemen watch television live in HD, or not at all, and movies in theaters, and at home only in occasion to remind themselves of their aristocracy, as I am doing here, while redeeming myself from my sin through brilliant intellectual criticism.  I fear others of my standing in the community will look down on me for watching a DVD even for this reason, however, such is my status in the heirarchy of Luxingfort, KY.

To conclude, if I had to rate on a commoner’s scale of 1 to 10, and, oh, how I hate such a scale, the quality of the Avengers: Age of Voltron movie, I would like to give it a strong 8.5, perhaps a 9, I am a little annoyed at the moment after spilling some of my chocolate milk on the carpet while typing up this review.  Chocolate syrup straight from Hershey, PA isn’t cheap, you know, and neither is carpet cleaning, as I can’t be bothered to attempt the job myself.  I am disappointed that, once again, Marvel has been excluding my beloved Yoohoo beverages from their screenplays, but such has been the case ever since I watched “Captain America: Yoohoo Civil War” I am sure, and such will continue to be the case long into the future with that ridiculous “Sam Lee” at the head of Marvel.  The man must be drunk on his success by now, and I feel I will have to keep harping on my point about Yoohoos until Mr. Lee is dragged out of the luxurious party of his fortune to address them.  Even still, he has made a great movie here today in the form of “Avengers: Age of Voltron” and I recommend everyone of you who is not as privileged as myself to purchase a copy of its DVD form from your local distributor of such trivial baubles, and enjoy watching it on your black-and-white television box or whatever it is common people use to watch films on at home these days.  Is Blockbuster still a thing?  No?  No matter, I’m sure you shabby folk can figure it out if you’re motivated enough.  Until next time, this is Donovan Savage from the “American Sesquipedalian” magazine reminding you that “Milk is for boys.  Chocolate milk is for men.”  Farewell, my broad and adoring audience of odd psuedointellectual miscreants.

Head Editor Notes: Donovan Savage is a beloved, albeit personally insulting editor and contributing writer for the “American Sesquipedalian” since its first issue launched in 2007. His recent articles include “Taking the Stairs – The Worst Part of Fire Drills” and “Why Won’t Kelsey Grammar Return My Emails? – A Personal Anecdote”.  Yes, we know he’s crazy.  Please don’t send him angry letters.  It just encourages him.

[SATIRE] Blog Editor Claims Misinformation Due to Temporal Manipulation by Speedster

(Original Post: October 11, 2016)

The series premieres of the CW’s line-up of DC Comics-based shows has brought joy to many, but anger to others, as spoilers from DC-TV-Spoilers.Com about the main antagonists for Season 3 of The Flash and Season 5 of Arrow have been quickly revealed as untrue, leading many followers of that website to abandon the site, and others redirected to it by other news blogs, including the Eye of Zatara, to also question those referencing and linking to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com’s information.  The editor of that website holds firm to his sources, however, and is claiming that the creation of an alternate timeline is responsible for his supposed misinformation.

“I’m not really sure what happened, but the information I was given was completely accurate at the time I posted it to my blog.  I wouldn’t have typed it up otherwise.” the editor of DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, known only to the Internet community as “Kal-AOL”, explains in a special statement at the top of his news blog.  “Clearly, some sort of Speedster has altered the timeline, and created a new reality in which Usain Bolt is not the primary antagonist for Season 3 of The Flash, and director Zach Synder is not the Green Arrow’s adversary in Season 5 of Arrow.  I’m honestly not sure how this is even possible, but it is the only explanation I can offer.”

Despite the clear impossibility of what Kal-AOL is saying, other bloggers have jumped to his defense, pointing out other inconsistencies with our current interpretation of reality that seems to align with the theory that we are living in an alternate version of the present created by Speedster intervention in the past.

“Has anyone questioning Kal-AOL’s theory even seen Season 4 of Arrow?” fellow Arrow/Flash universe blogger, “Marvin Manhunter”, wrote in an article today on his news blog, “DC Comix Rox”.  “If temporal manipulation was not involved in the making of our current reality, how could a fifth season of Arrow even be made as bad as Season 4 was?  Did you see the choreography?  Black Canary’s primary tactic in battle was to run in a straight line at anyone shooting an automatic weapon at her, and, somehow, not die five minutes into the first episode.  Don’t get me started on the ‘shoot first’ enemies only failing to go for the kill whenever a main character is surrounded, at which point, they suddenly hold back their fire.  Or the enemies basically standing still any time a weaponless main character confronted them, offering absolutely no resistance to someone very slowly and awkwardly punching them, even when that character was outnumbered.  I hope whatever Speedster selfishly ruined the original choreography for Season 4 gets eaten by a time wraith for it.  I really do.”

“And what’s with Hulu not getting CW stuff anymore?” blogger “Flash Ketchum from Earth 2 Pallet Town” wrote on his news blog, “All’s Wells That Ends Thon”, “I definitely remember Hulu getting CW stuff in the original timeline.  This is some parallel universe, multiversal tachyon bullcrap right here, that’s what this is.”

On non-DC-related news blogs, the current U.S. President race between Republican Party candidate Donald Trump and Democratic Party candidate Hillary Clinton has also been cited as compelling evidence of possible temporal tampering.

“The real question you should be asking,” Kal-AOL continued in the original statement on this subject posted late last week to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, “is that if we are really living in an alternate timeline, what can we do to return things back to the way they are supposed to be?”

After several minutes of discussion on his own personal theories on time travel, mostly a mix of Back to the Future and Hot Tub Time Machine, Kal-AOL finally gave the best answer he could to the problem of how to resolve the possible temporal conflict believed to be directly affecting all of reality around us.

“Honestly, I have no idea.” Kal-AOL shrugged, using stage directions to note his shrug in the otherwise article-formatted prose of his most recent blog post.  “And, even if we did fix the timeline, the unfathomable awesome that is Luke Cage might turn out the worse for it.  Whatever your stance on fixing Arrow Season 4, I think you’ll agree with me that’s a risk our world just can’t afford to take.  Forget Donald and Hillary… Luke Cage 2016!”

Since the original posting of this article to the Eye of Zatara, a “Luke Cage” section has been added to Kal-AOL’s blog, DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, much to the protest of his primary DC-based readership – at least, until they watched their first episode of the Netflix Original Series and immediately celebrated along with the rest of us.  Rumors have also begun to circulate that Libertarian Party candidate for U.S. President, Gary Johnson, has replaced his current running mate with the actor from Luke Cage in an attempt to bolster his chances in the election.  It is now estimated he will receive a 0.02% share of the popular vote, up 400% from previous vote estimates of 0.005% before including Luke Cage in his platform.

[SATIRE] Gavin Woods Announces “X-Men Origins: X-Aggerator”, First X-Men Movie About a Horse

(Original Post: May 28, 2016)

Undaunted by the lackluster success of new X-Men movie installment, “X-Men Apocalypse,” Gavin Woods, Director of “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” has announced via Twitter the next in the series of Marvel mutant superflicks, “X-Men Origins: X-Aggerator”. Finally revealing the much wondered about backstory of the genetically mutated superhorse, “X-Aggerator”, on the big screen for all to see, “X-Men Origins: X-Aggerator” will attempt to combine the critically lauded “X-Men: Days of Preakness Past” storyline from Marvel Comics’ short-lived X-Men spin-off series, “X-Horce”, with the new tale of the mutant champion’s past, including his early childhood conflicts with later rival and fellow supermutant horse, “Nyquistsilver”.

After the inclusion of Spiderman, previously a Sony Pictures movie property, into the Marvel Avengers movie anthology, Twitter followers were quick to respond to Gavin Woods’ tweet by asking if this was a sign that X-Aggerator may find himself included in the next Avengers installation, as well, to which Mr. Woods responded almost immediately with the following: “I dont knoo. 😉 Whateerver gets people to watcjh the movey on opneing nite, I gesuss. Lolz. ‪#‎ImDrunkRightNow‬ ‪#‎HesTotallyinAvengers3‬“.

Whether or not X-Aggerator is introduced to the Avengers movie universe as so subtlely hinted at by Mr. Woods, the announcement of another “X-Men Origins” movie to explore this character’s rich and exciting past has been welcomed with open arms by the Marvel fanbase and movie-going community.

“What the ****?” quoted a man dressed like a green half-human half-pterodactyl who would only identity himself by the monicker of Sauron. “First, Ghostbusters, and now this? I might as well just stop asking my mom to take me to the movies.”

“Excelsior!” quoted another man, a grey-haired older gentleman with large, dark glasses, who said he had gone to every premier of X-Men Apocalypse possible in the last twenty-four hours, as he “can’t stand there being a Marvel movie [he is] not somehow a part of.”

Tenatively set to release in the early summer of 2017 alongside other popular movie sequels such as “Fast and Furious MCDXIII” and “The LAST Airbender Hopefully It’s Really the Last One This Time”, “X-Men Origins: X-Aggerator” is sure to delight audiences new and old, and may even greenlight the return of the “X-Horce” comic book series as long awaited by at least a half dozen devoted collectors and fans.

“Holy crap, what have I done?” Gavin Woods added in a follow-up tweet the morning after his possibly intoxicated revelation of the “X-Men Origins: X-Aggerator” project the night before. “Oh well, absolute worst case scenario, Bryan Singer can always retcon it away with another time travel movie, right? Right??? Ah, you know I’m right… ‪#‎DeadpoolLaserEyesRoflSwordHands‬ ‪#‎NeverDirectaMovieWhileDrunk‬ ‪#‎PlotLinesAreForSoberPeopleandtheMalcontented‬ ‪#‎CanBryanSingerFixTerminatorGenisysTooMaybe‬ ‪#‎HashBrowns‬”

(An artist’s rendering of possible box art for “X-Men Origins: X-Aggerator” has been attached to this article for aesthetic purposes. The art depicted may or may not resemble the content of the actual horse-based Marvel superhero movie.)

#HashBrowns

[SATIRE] Yoohoo Civil War [A Biased and Unfair Review]

(Original Post: May 16, 2016)

Hey, a friend of mine who’s Head Editor for the “American Sesquipedalian” magazine sent over this review for the new Captain America movie one of their writers who lives in Luxingfort, KY sent in. Apparently, they didn’t have room for it in their magazine this month, and said I could post it on the “Eye of Zatara” if I wanted. I thought it was pretty good, so I figured I’d share it. I hope you like it, too!

“Captain America: Yoohoo Civil War”
[A Biased and Unfair Review]
By: Donovan Savage, Contributing Writer and Editor for the “American Sesquipedalian” Magazine, and Luxingfort, KY Resident

This last Friday evening, I was graced through my vast social and political connections in town to acquire an exclusive, after public release, free-after-paying-regular-admission-price ticket to the latest Marvel superhero film, “Captain America: Yoohoo Civil War” at the local Royalty cinemas, the girl at the counter, apparently aware of my power and influence, even allowing me to choose my own seat and noting it in the system so no underprivileged freeloader could steal my optimal location while I was securing refreshment, and also bestowing special, movie-enhancing glasses with top-of-the-line, multi-dimensional technology to increase my film enjoyment at no additional charge.

Overall, I had a… reasonably… enjoyable experience, but, as a man of opinion, I feel that to give back to the little people who helped me secure my entertainment for the evening at so little of my own expense, I must share my thoughts and feelings about the movie with any who will listen, and offer a review to other potential moviegoers that would like to know if this movie is worthy of an affluent intellectual’s time. And, so, here is my review. (“Spoiler Warning” would be the commoner’s expression to include at this point, would it not? Bah.)

MOVIE: 9/10 – The movie was well written, well executed, and extremely enjoyable. Despite being called “Yoohoo Civil War”, there was far less connection to the delicious, chocolate and strawberry flavored beverages in the plot than I expected, but the emotional and political conflict that replaced it seemed adequate enough. I was told to stay after the credits for some sort of additional scene, but I can’t be bothered with such things. Credits are best saved for environmentalists and the malcontented.

POPCORN: 6/10 – The popcorn I acquired at the refreshment station that greeted me upon my triumphant entry to the greater Royalty theater complex was buttery and satisfying. I was even offered a small “combination” deal should I also acquire a drink and other amenities from the station, but felt that I had been shown enough preferential treatment for the night and declined, choosing instead to pay individually for my drink. The 6/10 comes from the fact that I spilled some of my popcorn while getting settled into the king-like, reclining throne made available for me instead of a normal movie seat by the Royalty staff. I am not quite sure how me spilling my popcorn is really anyone else’s fault, but I’m sure it had to be as a result of some distraction by the loud movie previews of other films I can’t be bothered to watch all of. Movie previews are for dog breeders and the malcontented.

SODA: 8/10 – The soda I purchased along with my popcorn, a “Classic” version of Coca-Cola obviously reserved exclusively for those with the most sophisticated of palettes, was quite delicious, like a fine wine, except hundreds of dollars cheaper. I was even offered a free “refill” since I had purchased a larger, more carafe-like vessel for its consumption than the typical, smaller trinkets chosen by many of the less privileged around me. I took advantage of this “refilling” on my way out of the theater, a final token of respect by the Royalty employees for my seat of influence in the Luxingfort community.

HISTORICAL ACCURACY: 1/10 – This is one point I have to hold against “Yoohoo Civil War”. While I am willing to accept a fair grain of artistic liberty regarding the “Captains of America” and “Tony Stank” characters represented in this movie, I am fairly certain they are not accurate representations of any actual American Civil War personas. The movie begins in some sort of nonsensical city called “Wakanda”, instead of Fort Sumter, as with the actual American Civil War, and the movie only loses more historical veracity from that point. At no point in American history at all, much less during the years of 1861 to 1865, have Union and Confederate armies ever engaged in a firefight by throwing shields and shooting spider webs at one another. What is this nonsense? I enjoyed the movie’s plot line with the same joy I might an imaginative fairy tail, but by saying this movie has some connections to the bloody events that nearly tore the United States apart a few centuries ago, the producers of this film likely have Abraham Lincoln rolling over in his grave. I am fairly certain the sixteenth President of the United States never broke criminals out of prison with a bow and arrow, nor did General Ulysses S. Grant ever run around calling himself “Grant Man” while shrinking to the size of a small bug or insect of some sort. It is almost comical how ridiculous this representation of history was, but my amusement ended when I realized it would likely be treated as accurate by the less intellectual, such as misguided Trump supporters and the malcontented.

ATMOSPHERE: 4/10 – The lighting, sounds, and projection systems built into the futuristic, third-dimensional entertainment venue I was granted access to by the Royalty employees with by privilege-bought, admission price ticket, were all adequate for my needs as a man of leisure seeking entertainment. There was, however, a fair amount of popcorn spilled onto the floor in my area very early on in the “previews” section of the “Yoohoo Civil War” presentation. This was not cleaned up immediately, and was still present when I left the theater viewing room. This is not acceptable. Spilled popcorn on the floor is for libertarians and the malcontented.

YOOHOO REPRESENTATION: 0/10 – Thinking through the movie again as I write this, I realize now there were no actual scenes containing Yoohoo beverages in this film, either in the “previews”, or in the actual movie itself. There may have been something after the credits, but, as I explained before, watching credits is for the xanthophobic and the malcontented. This is an outrage! No accurately-represented Civil War events, and no Yoohoo drinks? I simply cannot ignore this. This is false advertising in the highest sense! Bait and switch! I call bait and switch, my good sirs! Marvel Studios will hear about my discontentment! Yoohoo Civil War may have been one of the best “superhero”-type movies that I have seen in my thirty long years of privilege on this planet, but false advertising is for Klingon speakers, taser owners, and the malcontented! Not for one of my position and station in life! Enough talking about this. My high blood pressure cannot bear it any longer. Just know that “Sam Lee” or whatever his name is will be working at Fed Ex by the time I am done expressing my fury to his superiors.

Overall, “Yoohoo Civil War” is a great movie, one which I recommend to anyone, especially fans of the “superhero” movie archetype, but it has no Yoohoos, and does not mirror the American Civil War in any way. My review “score” for the characters, plot, theme, visuals, soundtrack, action, and excitement of the movie itself is a 9/10. My total review “score” for the movie including factors such as my enjoyment of popcorn, soda, atmosphere, and the movie’s representations of both Yoohoo chocolate beverages and the American Civil War is 4.5/10, and that is quite generous, in my opinion.

Hmph. I don’t even know why I bothered writing such a bothersome piece of mostly advertising documentation. “Movie reviews” are for trading card game collectors, muffin bakers, vegetarians, and the malcontented. They are not worth the time of a busy and affluent intellectual like myself. Where’s my driver? I need a few circles around Polygon Park in my Honda Element to regain my calm…

Head Editor Notes: Donovan Savage is a beloved, albeit somewhat misguided editor and contributing writer for the “American Sesquipedalian” since its first issue launched in 2007. His most famous articles include “Quizno’s? What in the Name of All That is Good is a Quizno’s?” and “The Gentleman’s Guide to Chocolate Milk”. Please don’t email us about him. We have a hard enough job. We have to work with him everyday, you know. I really hope he doesn’t read this…”